A Totally Uneducated Opinion On The NFL Playoffs

A Totally Uneducated Opinion On The NFL Playoffs

A not so cranky opinion for

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

 I have no opinions this week on politics, religion, the environment, or raising children.  I could go on a rant about the barbaric murder of French cartoonists by fanatic, backward, cowardly, disgusting, sick, demented, one eye-browed strap-on-beard terrorists that represent about 20% of the “Peaceful” Muslim religion, but I’ll let the peaceful 80% speak up instead…chirp…chirp…chirp…  Nothing?  Oh well, while we are waiting here is my uneducated opinion on this weekend’s NFL playoff games.

There was a time when I could offer an educated opinion on NFL football, these days, if the Giants or the Jets are out of the race, I kind of lose interest.  Lack of knowledge and facts, however, has never stopped me from having opinions, so here are my predictions for this week’s games.

As I know almost none of the players and do not know the records or statistics of any of these teams, my opinions are based on weather conditions, game location, uniforms and team names.

Baltimore Ravens vs. New England Patriots

WEATHER FACTOR

Both teams are used to east coast weather; the slightly colder New England temperature should not have any major effect on this game. ADVANTAGE - DRAW

GAME LOCATION

New England fans will be loud, but with the missing “R” from their alphabet they can only yell “Boo Baltimah.”  ADVANTAGE - DRAW

UNIFORMS

New England wears a sissy blue with a funky shoulder pad stripe.  Their helmets have a goofy looking white guy with a star on his head.  Baltimore has black uniforms and their helmet has a nasty black bird which could clearly whip the star-headed white dude with an air attack.  Black is a much tougher color than sissy blue.  ADVANTAGE - RAVENS.

TEAM NAMES

Please!  A raven or a dude with a star on his head? ADVANTAGE - RAVENS

Summary – Nasty black birds pressure white dude with a star on his head forcing turnovers and incompletions…Ravens 27 Patriots 24.

Dallas Cowboys vs. Greenbay Packers

Weather factor

Dallas warm, Greenbay cold.  ADVANTAGE PACKERS

GAME LOCATION

Greenbay is cold and raw; people in Greenbay have nothing but cheese and football.  Dallas is warm, people have lots to do and they say “y’all” a lot.  ADVANTAGE Greenbay

UNIFORMS

Dallas has manly blue numerals with a cool “Lone Star” on their helmet but their pants are sissy blue.  Packers have nasty orange and green colors simple “G” on the helmets.  ADVANTAGE DRAW.

TEAM NAMES

Cowboys have to be tough, but there is that “Brokeback” thing.  Packing stuff is a tough job.  ADVANTAGE PACKERS

Intangible – Packer fans wear giant cheese slice hats, Cowboy fans gawk at scantily clad cheerleaders.  ADVANTAGE PACKERS

Summary – Cowboys can’t take the heat from the nasty cold, Greenbay wears them down…Greenbay 17 Dallas 9

Carolina Panthers vs. Seattle Seahawks

WEATHER FACTOR

Rain, rain, rain, always favors the passing game.  A Seahawk must have a good air attack, Panthers favor the ground.  ADVANTAGE SEAHAWKS

GAME LOCATION

Time zone change favors the home team.  ADVANTAGE SEAHAWKS

UNIFORMS

Panthers have nasty black and blue colors, helmets have a cool nasty looking panther.  Seahawks have monkey vomit green uniforms, but their helmets are cool.  Close call, but ADVANTAGE PANTHERS.

TEAM NAME

A panther obviously has a nasty ground attack vs. a terror in the air Seahawk.  Strength vs. stealth.  ADVANTAGE DRAW

Intangible – Coffee drinkers are alert, grits slow you down. ADVANTAGE SEATTLE

Summary – Strong air attack, speed, and stealth are too much for Panthers…Seattle 34 Panthers 14

Indianapolis Colts vs. Denver Broncos

WEATHER FACTOR

Both teams should be used to cold and snow.  ADVANTAGE DRAW

GAME LOCATION

Mile high, low oxygen. ADVANTAGE DENVER

UNIFORMS

Colts have a classic blue and white with a simple horse shoe on their helmet.  Denver is orange and blue with funky horse on their helmets.  Blue and white trumps orange and blue (close call) and simple beats funky.  ADVANTAGE INDIANAPOLIS

TEAM NAME

Hmmm, a baby horse vs. a nasty bronco.  ADVANDAGE DENVER

Intangible - Denver QB has a manly name, Indianapolis depends on luck.

Summary – A baby horse just can’t keep up with a rough and tumble grown bronco, Broncos out run Colts…Denver 31 Indianapolis 19

Come back next week to bow before my superior prognostication prowess, or deride me for my failure.  Either way come back next week for my League Champion predictions.