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Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Pillow Talk

Pillow Talk
Damn, I had a thing for Doris!
Returning on a several hours trip from the wake of a family friend, my wife had Sirius Radio tuned to the seventies channel.  A song came on, “Pillow Talk.” 

“I’ll bet you’ve never heard this song.”

“Of course not, you know I had three children all under ten in the seventies I missed that whole decade and most of the eighties!”

“Do you know what pillow talk is?”

“I know what it is in our house.”


"Let’s see, how about:"
“Can you turn down the volume, I’m trying to sleep, what are you deaf?”


“Very funny, turn it down.”

Then later.

“Why did you change the channel?”

“What?  You were asleep, I don’t want to watch “Family Feud” I want to catch up on “Wicked Tuna.”

“I Can’t sleep to “Wicked Tuna”, it wakes me up!”

“So, I have to watch a show I don’t like so you can sleep because my show wakes you up?”


“That’s crazy, and how do you go from sound asleep to wide awake just because I change the channel to my show?”

“I like the background noise from ‘Family Feud.’  ‘Wicked Tuna’ has too much excitement, it wakes me up...JERK”

“OMG!! OK, I’ll watch “Family Feud.”

Pillow Talk!  How the hell did they make a song about that in the eighties?
From The Urban Dictionary:

Pillow Talk can be any variety of things. It can be before or after being intimate, or without that at all. The point of pillow talk, though, is for two people to enjoy each other's presence through conversation, in a somewhat spontaneous way, but in a way that will let both parties go to bed with clear heads.

OH!  That pillow talk.

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Monday, May 20, 2019

The Origins of SAYINGS

The Origins of SAYINGS

A rework of the best in a series of posts from 2011

Do you ever wonder where the many common sayings we use every day come from?  What are the origins of expressions we hear all the time?  You may be surprised.  Here are more of Cranky’s “ORIGINS OF SAYINGS.”

"Break a Leg"

Meaning: Wish an actor good luck. 
Origin: To bend or break one’s leg was an archaic phrase for taking a bow.  In the theater, a successful performance means taking a curtain call bow, so “Break a leg” is to wish an actor a successful performance.

"Buy The Farm"

Meaning: Die

Origin: Farmers were notorious for having a large mortgage on their property.  When a farmer died and he had life insurance the neighbors would remark, “At least the insurance will pay off the mortgage.  Hence – He bought the farm!

“Don’t yank my crank”

Meaning: Don’t try and fool me.

Origin: Fisherman knew they had a fish on when their crank moved.  As a goof it was common for another fisherman to pull on the line which moved the crank and made the fisherman think he had a fish.  Fisherman used the expression anytime someone tried to fool them, “Hey, don’t yank my crank.”

“There is more than one way to skin a cat”

Meaning: There is more than one way to get a job done.

Origin: This was obviously first said by someone who was not a cat skinner as it turns out there is actually only one way to skin a cat.

“Use your noodle”

Meaning: Think, be smart; use your head.

Origin: In some cultures, pasta is the main course and served from the head of the table. Pasta or the noodle became synonymous with the head.  Thus, to be smart you use your head, or use your noodle.  (Also see “She gives really good noodle!”)

“A stitch in time saves nine”

Meaning: A little precaution saves time in the long run. 
Origin: To stitch a hem before it unravels will save many more stitches in the future.  This phrase makes very little sense to Germans.

 “Get outta the fucking car”

Meaning: Police jargon for “Sir, please exit your vehicle.” 
Origin: First used when Rodney King did not understand “Please,” “Exit,” or “Vehicle.”

 “Pissed off”

Definition: Very angry
Origin: The Pizdoff family of Scranton Pa. was known for their loudness. One day a stranger in town noticed Mrs. Pizdoff arguing boisterously with her husband.  The stranger asked a local what was the argument all about.  The local replied, “oh, it’s nothing, there just Pizdoffs.”

 “Two wrongs don’t make a right”

Meaning: Retaliation of a wrong doing will not make things better.  

Origin: In 1880, two Chinese inventors attempted to develop the incandescent bulb.  The Wong brothers failed and finally gave up on the dream.  Americans mis-interpreted a Japanese article about the effort and 

“Two Wong’s no make a rite”
Turned it into a philosophical saying. 

“I before E except after C or sounds like ay…”

Meaning: A spelling rule. 
Origin: There used to be only three “ie” words in the English language, believe, receive, and neighbor.  This rule is currently useless.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”

Definition: Accept a gift graciously and unconditionally
Origin: Kansas farmer Seth Travers was given a plow horse as a wedding present from his father-in-law.  Before he said thank you Seth checked to see the horse had all its teeth.  He was shot by his insulted father-in-law.

“It’s raining cats and dogs”

Definition: A really heavy rain storm
Origin: Harvey Katz and Charlie Docks were roofing a farm house when a sudden heavy rain storm came up.  Both roofers slipped on the wet shingles.  When the farm owner looked out and saw Harvey and Charlie fall by the window he remarked,

“Look, it’s raining Katz and Docks.”

"Smart as a whip”

Definition: Pretty fucking smart.
Origin: Ever been hit with a whip?  It Fucking SMARTS!

“Dumb as a stump”

Definition: Someone is really stupid.
Origin: Most people believe this refers to a tree stump not being very smart. Actually, it originally came as a reference to a 1900's Akron Ohio resident who was known to be the stupidest man in Ohio; Thomas A. Stumb.

As these are the "best of," aren't you glad I weeded out the bad ones!

Sunday, May 19, 2019

She Did What?

She Did What?
I just read something in the news that has got me wondering.

A young woman in Florida…of course it was Florida…was arrested along with 20 others for solicitation and trafficking in heroin.  A serious charge, but this was only newsworthy on a national scale as this woman had won a million dollars in a lottery not long ago.

That is not what got me wondering.

What caught my eye was the additional charge filed against her.

unlawful use of a two-way communication device”


That’s a crime?  Selling and distributing heroin is pretty serious, why this charge?  Like if we don’t get a conviction for selling drugs, at least we can put her away for a long time for the crime of unlawfully using a two-way communication device?

What was it, a walkie talkie?  A cell phone?  How do you use such a device illegally?

I use a cell phone all the time.  I have never been schooled as to what is lawful use and what is unlawful use of such a device. 

Maybe she took a cell phone a smashed someone over the head.  Would that be unlawful use of a two-way communication device, or would it be assault?

I use my computer to send emails.  Is it a two-way communications device?  I can speak to front door guests on my “Ring” doorbell.  Perhaps I shouldn’t do that.

Please, someone let me know what is lawful and what is unlawful use of a two-way communication device.  Apparently unlawful use of such a device is as serious as dealing drugs.

Until I am sure that I am not breaking the law I will stop all use of any two-way communication devices, so this will be my last post in a while.


Wait, I just Googled and found this:

The 2018 Florida Statutes
Chapter 934 
934.215 Unlawful use of a two-way communications device.—Any person who uses a two-way communications device, including, but not limited to, a portable two-way wireless communications device, to facilitate or further the commission of any felony offense commits a felony of the third degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082, s. 775.083, or s. 775.084.
History.—s. 1, ch. 2001-114.

I should have known; it is only an offense in Florida.  So, if you are in Florida and planning to break the law, do not discuss or plan said law breaking on a cell phone or walkie-talkie.


This has been a Cranky PSA.


Saturday, May 18, 2019

I Hate fill in the blank

I Hate fill in the blank
OK, Back to my cranky roots.  Those readers not on Facebook, you are missing out on a lot of good stuff, a lot of fun stuff.  Here is the stuff you are not missing out on. 

Please do not feel the need to tell me how or why you are not on Facebook, I get it, it is OK. I don’t do the pinter-thing or the snap-stuff or link-up.

As much as I like Facebook for keeping up with friends and family, and for connecting with friends from days past, I go bonkers over the memes designed to create clicks and hits for someone’s (I don’t know who or how) enhanced pocketbook.

“I Hate fill in the blank, like and share if you agree!”

If I don’t like and share does it mean I like fill in the blank ?  I hate fill in the blank, but why do I have to profess that to the world on Facebook?  Does it make fill in the blank go away? I have lost loved ones to fill in the blank like almost everyone, of course I hate fill in the blank!  I hate old men in raincoats that show their privates in public!  I hate bratty kids in restaurants! I hate stepping in dog shit!  I hate the bubonic plague!

I don’t need to express and share my hatred for stuff on Facebook!

“I love this country, 90% of my friends will not post and share, I know the 10% that will!”

If I don’t post and share, if I am one of the 90%, please don’t infer that I don’t love this country, or that I am ashamed to admit I love this country, please know that it is ridiculous to have to announce it on Facebook!  I love pizza.  I love TV.  I love my family.  I love my friends (well a few of them) I love lots of stuff and things and concepts…I love not having to announce it on Facebook!

“I love my Grand-kids!  Share if you love yours.”

Who doesn’t live their grand-kids, or their kids, or their parents?  Why post it on Facebook?  Send them a card, call them on the phone, say it to their face, it is not something you need to announce on Facebook.

Here’s the thing, Facebook is great for posting pictures of family and friends, it is great for announcing stuff of interest, it is terrific for funny videos of cats and people falling on their ass.  If you want to post what, when and where you are eating dinner go ahead, Burglars love to know when you are not at home.

Facebook is not so great for stirring crap with your opinions and stupid “I hate” and “I love” memes.

If you vote for a politician based on a Facebook opinion, you should never be allowed to vote again.  If you don’t hate fill in the blank, there is something wrong with you, if you don’t love your grand-kids, you did a crappy job raising your grand-kid's parents.

Stop posting the obvious and then acting like you are special and did something great.

“I hate farts in an elevator.” Share if you agree.

“I hate head lice.” I know which friends will share.

“I hate athletes’ foot.” Comment with a frowny face or you will have bad luck for a week.

“I hate Paris in the Winter, especially when it drizzles!” Like or you’re a jerk

Most of all I hate Facebook memes that state the obvious and expect me to confirm I am a compassionate human being by sharing!

Like and share is you agree.

Thursday, May 16, 2019

Baby I Can Drive My Car

Baby I Can Drive My Car
             HELP...either one

When I was younger, so much younger than today, everyone, bragged about, how fast they could make their way.  Those days are gone, so I find, I'm driving really slow. Now I find, I'll lose the time, for mileage that will grow.

Typical comment back in the day:

“I made it from New Brunswick to Atlantic City in an hour and forty-five!  Oh yeah, I had the hammer down on the Garden State Parkway from exit 105 to 38, then caught every light from the Parkway to AC. Beat my old record by 12 minutes!”

It did not matter if you were in a hurry or not, getting from point A to point B in record time was everyone’s goal.  Speeding, weaving in and out of traffic, running the amber to beat the red light was standard practice.  Getting stuck behind a slow truck was infuriating.  Bad weather or a traffic jam would kill a record time.

Yes, we were reckless, crazy.  We had all the time in the world, but were always in a hurry, always wanting to brag, “You wouldn’t believe the time we made!”

Ah, that was years ago, Mrs. C and I drive a little differently these days.

Our new car keeps a running total of the MPG on a trip.  The car advertises 30 MPG on average.  We no longer are concerned with the time on a trip, now it is trying to break the MPG record.

Driving now involves coasting whenever possible.  It is important to accelerate slowly, stomping on the gas pedal ruins your average MPG. 

This driving takes a lot of strategy.

When approaching a traffic light; did it just turn green?  Will I make it?  Should I slow down and coast because I can’t make the light, or should I step on it and try to beat the light?  Will making the light make up for wasted gas by excessive acceleration?

It’s not easy.  Driving with one eye on the road and another on the MPG calculator to maximize efficiency is risky, but the reward, beating the manufacturer’s suggested mileage, is somehow worth it.

The current record for highest MPG is 38.  Mrs. C holds that record.  My best is 36.  A trip must be at least 20 miles to be official.

The other day we went to my grandson’s first Holy Communion, a one hour forty-minute trip.  When we arrived, my son asked how long it took us.

“Two hours and ten minutes.”

“Two hours and ten?  I make it to your house in under an hour and a half!”

“Yeah, but we did it at 34.5 MPG!”

"You need HELP!"

"Maybe, but baby I can drive my car."

Different generations, different goals.  


Wednesday, May 15, 2019

I Don’t Care

I Don’t Care

I’m getting back to my cranky roots, because…I don’t care.

I just read about a school that is dropping saying “God bless America” after the Pledge of Allegiance.  Apparently, that is considered a prayer.  Apparently, a prayer or mention of God offends, scares and incenses some people, or in this case one person.  Know what?

I don’t care. 

Don’t say the word “God” in a public place, in the park, at school, on the street…knock yourself out.  I don’t care.  Of course, in other countries people who worship any God anywhere, or the wrong God get their head chopped off.  I really don’t like that, that I care about.

There is a lot of concern about women who feel like men or men who feel like women using their preferred-sex bathroom.  Know what.

I don’t care. 

Anyone wants to pee in the men’s room? Go ahead, I don’t care.  I went to a Melissa Etheridge concert last year.  When it was over many lesbian ladies made a big deal about not waiting on the long lines in the lady’s room and using the men’s room.  They acted like it was a big deal, like they were breaking the rules and challenged anyone to stop them.  Know what?

I didn’t care. 

Knock yourself out, pee in the stall.  Just don’t be creepy.  That is my rule in a restroom, male, female or undecided, I could care less…act creepy and we have a problem.

Sexual identification, I don’t care.  In some countries, if you behave contrary to what is commonly expected based on your plumbing, they toss you off a three-story building.  I don’t like that, that I care about.

The ecology gets people upset.  The world is coming to an end and it is our fault.  Maybe.  I don’t know.  It is way too complicated.  If you want me to drive less, stop using plastic bags and straws, no problem, I don’t care.  If it makes you feel good, OK, I’ll stop.  I quit smoking; I can quit plastic. 

I don’t care. 

I read the news and it is chock full of problems.  Problems that did not exist 100 years ago because they were so minuscule compared to the problem of having food to eat and staying warm and dry. 

Recently twenty-five people came down with measles and there is fear of an epidemic.  I remember bringing my kids over to houses where a child had the measles so we could get it over with.  Now there is panic. 

“It is all the fault of those crazy anti-vaxers!” Well, if you are vaccinated what do you care. 

I don’t care.

I guess as I get older, as the I hear the landing gear drop on this great flight of life, things do not bother me as much as they used to.

I’ve been really lucky.  Lucky to live in this country at a time when some of the greatest problems facing people are deciding where to pee, where you can say “God,” reducing cow farts, recycling plastic, people too stupid to get vaccinated catching that disease, and people being mean to other people on this new social media thing.  Know what.

I don’t care.

I care about hunger, shelter, opportunity.  I care about crime, racism, and people who tailgate me in their BMW’s.  All that other stuff, that is for young people to worry about.

I don’t care.

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Keyboard Backlight

Keyboard Backlight
I do most of my computer stuff at night, in bed.  We keep the lights off, or very low as there is also some TV watching going on.  That’s right, this cranky old man can multitask. 

For the last humpty-diddle years, this computer playing at night has been very difficult, especially when trying to write a post. 

My typing is not that good.  I can find most of the keys blind, maybe 85 percent.  Eighty-five percent looks like this.

I can khund most of the kets, 65 pervent/

Not awful, but not very efficient.  In order to see the keys which, I must do to hit at a higher percent of accuracy, I tilt the screen down to put light on the keyboard.

This works pretty well, actually it sucks. I can barely see the keys and it makes it difficult to see the screen.  I kinda need to see the screen.  Major dilemma.

So, for humpty-diddle years I have been typing at night with a tilted screen to see barely see the keys, and then an un-tilt to read what I have typed.

Not very efficient.  Actually, very annoying.

The other night I found this method to be extra annoying.

“Why can’t they have a lighted keyboard on my laptop!”

Mrs. C opined, “Maybe you can light the keyboard.”

“I don’t think so.  When the computer comes on the keyboard lights up, but then it goes off.”

“So. it has lights.”

“Yes, for about 12 seconds!”

“Google keyboard backlight.”

I googled keyboard backlight, and it seems you can turn on a keyboard light for some laptops.  YouTube instructions said Fn + Pf 5 would work…It did not.

I searched my control panel for “Keyboard light.”  Nothing.

This was really frustrating.  If some keyboards can be backlit, why not all.  Why not mine.

“Google keyboard backlight for Lenovo.”

“Good Idea!”


For a Lenovo PC, Fn +Space-bar will turn on your keyboard light.

Eureka, it works. 

Do  I feel stupid for not figuring this out years ago?  Yeah, a little...but
You CAN teach an old crank new tricks.  It only took humpy-diddle years to think that just maybe the keyboard light could be turned on and off as needed, but at least I did figure it out.

Baby steps toward computer wizardry.




Saturday, May 11, 2019

It’s Is All Mom’s Fault

It’s Is All Mom’s Fault

As a Mother's Day post, this re-run reminding that for all the things you great Moms do, you also get to take the blame for your children's short comings...someone has to!

We still love you.

Miss you Mom!

Something I read recently reminded me of my mom.   Mom, like most moms, was great in many ways, but she did have one trait that bugged me no end.  She always had something good to say about everyone.

That doesn’t sound like a bad trait, does it?  Let me put it in context.
A seven-year-old boy comes home all grumpy and Mom asks,
“What’s wrong?”
“Billy Andrews kicked me in the shin for no reason!”
“Well, maybe he was just having a bad day, he’s usually a nice boy…he’s going to be a baseball player you know.”
Who does that?  What mom does not unleash some righteous anger at her son’s tormentor.  Plus, she had to throw in that baseball player stuff.  That’s another thing…I had to compete with what other mothers said their kid was going to be! How do you compete with what someone is going to be?
As a pre-teen, you come home from school dejected about a grade on a composition.
“What’s wrong?”
“Mrs. Gromawitz gave me a B on my paper because I misspelled two words.”
“Well, spelling is important, and you know Mrs. Gromawitz daughter is going to be a famous author and she is a very good speller.”
Crap, not what I wanted to hear.  Hell, I was a bad speller, have always been a bad speller and always will be a bad speller.  Hearing how important spelling is was like telling a slow runner he would always suck at sports.
A teenage Cranky gets off the phone looking disappointed.
“What’s wrong.”
“That stuck-up Cathy Brown can’t go to the dance, says she thinks she'll be busy.”
“Well she probably has to wash her hair that night…she’s going to be a movie star you know.”


I think that this is why I am so cranky.  If I was angry, judged unfairly, or shot down, mom always made excuses.  Maybe if she just stood up for her son, expressed a little righteous indignation on my behalf,  I would not have any pent up anger which has manifested itself into crankiness.
Maybe if I didn’t have to live up to the high achievements my peers were going to reach I would have been more successful myself.  Hell, why even try; who can compete with what someone else is going to be?
Well this has been very enlightening.  All my issues are the fault of my mom.  It is good to get this off my chest and to realize any of my short comings are not my fault.
I guess I’ll get off the couch now and go yell at something on the TV.