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Wednesday, July 17, 2019

More Golf


More Golf


Well it is either golf or nothing at all, so…golf.

I was back on the course for the first time after several weeks at the Shore.  You might think that after three or four weeks of not playing I would have stunk the place out.  Actually, sometimes for us duffers, time off allows you to forget all those bad habits and play better.

Today that was the way.  I was hitting the ball very well…for me that is.  The biggest problem was with the sun, my eyesight, and playing on my own, I did not see where almost every shot went.  I knew I hit it well and the general direction, but did not find most balls until I about tripped over them.

Several shots were on the green, a good place to be, but even though I thought the shots were good, it takes some of the enjoyment away to not immediately see the result.

The next problem I encountered is it was FLAMING HOT.  I did not tee off until 11:30, pretty much peak heat of the day.  It was 95, no breeze and humid as all not-Heaven.

I took regular water breaks and rested in the shade when I could.  I think I was the only golfer on the front nine.  On the eight hole, I waited while grounds people were watering the green.  After about 10 minutes I decided to go ahead and hit even though they did not stop the watering.  As I was lining up my shot, the sprinklers went off on my tee area.  I think they were trying to turn off the sprinklers on the green and hit the tee sprinklers instead.

Their mistake was welcome as I let the sprinklers make several passes at me before I hit.

I barely dragged my behind to the finish, I only played nine…eighteen and I would have melted.  My reward was going to be a tall vodka tonic, but the new grill “Bar” still did not have a liquor license.  I had vodka at home, so my reward just had to wait a bit.

I sipped the drink while still dripping wet and barely able to move.  I will think twice before playing in that heat again.

Oh yeah, I shot 43 for nine holes.  Not bad for an old man.


Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Road Rage Rant


Road Rage Rant
What is it with people that just do not want to give an inch on the highway?  Merging into a traffic-jammed turnpike and there is always some scuzzbag that refuses to let you in.  These scuzzbags generally have NY plates and or drive a BMW…I guess they ae just better than everyone else. 

What do they expect, I’m not allowed on the highway?  If everyone was a scuzzbag that would be the case.  Not surprisingly when you allow these same scuzzbags into a merging lane, they never give you the thank-you wave.

Here is one that is really the squeaky chalk on my blackboard; waiting at a traffic light to turn left, no one behind me, and there is a line across the way about 18 miles deep.  If I cannot make the left turn, I’ll have to wait in the intersection until the light turns back to red.  You might think the first car across the way would delay enough for me to make my left turn. 

You would think wrong. 

NO!! They stomp on the gas as soon as the light turns, they actually start to creep when it is amber on the other side because GOD forbid I turn in front and his trip is delayed an eighteenth of a second…better I wait four minutes in the intersection than this asshat be delayed an eighteenth of a second.

The other day, same above situation, and I stomped on the gas to beat the asshat that was going straight.  The dude actually leaned on his horn and steered towards me like to ram my car, before turning away at the last second.

He sure taught me a lesson!

Here is another tool-for-a-brain that should be banned from my roads.  Coming home from an errand, this asswipe has to tailgate me all the way to my turn off.  Hell, I was only doing ten MPH above the limit. 

As I slowed down to turn right into my development, he sped up and ran within a foot of my rear end without veering to the left.

Taught me another lesson.

Sometimes when these D-bags tailgate me, I pull to the side of the road and let them pass, when I catch up at the next stoplight, I make sure to beep and wave.

Sometimes I wave with one finger.

Sunday, July 14, 2019

I MIGHT BE A PRICK!

I MIGHT BE A PRICK!

I might be a prick.  I don’t think I am a prick, but I just might be.  Why you ask, do I think I might be a prick?

I am not a wealthy man, but I can afford a buck.  Giving one dollar to a worthy cause will not affect my life style.  I should be willing to give a dollar to worthy causes, but apparently I am a prick.

Yesterday Mrs. C and I went grocery shopping.  When my bill was rung up, the cashier asked me, “Would you like to donate a dollar to the Something Something Blah Blah Blah FOR CHILDREN?

I have no idea what this charity was for.  All I heard was FOR CHILDREN.  What cause that ends in FOR CHILDREN would not be worth handing over a single dollar?  Probably none, except apparently I am a prick.

“No thank you, I don’t want to give a measly dollar to the Something Something Blah Blah Blah FOR CHILDREN, because I am a prick!”

The thing is, I just don’t like being hit up for a charity when I am not expecting it.  I don’t like that the store hits me up when I am running up a credit charge.  I don’t like the fact that I won’t be able to declare my contribution as a tax deduction, but the store probably will.  I give a buck and one million other blindsided customers give a buck and the CEO of the grocery store gets his picture in the paper handing over a tax deductible check for $1 million dollars. 

It just bothers me…but then I am a prick.

I give to charities from time to time.  I give to charities I care about, charities that hit close to my home.  If I give a buck to the store, it is one dollar less I have to give to my charities; so I say no and feel like a prick!

“No thank you, I don’t want to give a measly dollar to the Something Something Blah Blah Blah FOR CHILDREN, because I am a prick!”

After the grocery store we went to “Boston Market” to take home our dinner.  Checking out I was asked,

“Would you like to donate a dollar to the CHILDRENS FUND for something something?”

Mrs. C immediately pulled me by the arm, said no thank you and dragged me out of the store before I went on a rant to some poor 17 year old cashier who was only doing her job.

The next time I am asked for a dollar while checking out of a store I am going to ask to see the manager.  When he shows up I am going to ask him if he would like to donate a dollar to the Lustgarten Foundation to find a cure for pancreatic cancer.  If he says no I will just shake his hand and say “Well let’s just call it a draw then.”

If he says yes, I’ll do the same thing.

At least then I won’t feel like a prick.
re-run from July 2015

Friday, July 12, 2019

What Would You Do?


What Would You Do?
Last Tuesday the door of an armored car flew open on I-285 just outside Atlanta.  One hundred and seventy-five thousand dollars in bills scattered along the highway.


Dozens of cars pulled over, people poured out and gathered up the bills as fast as they could.

Apparently, the law says that those who scooped up the bills were guilty of theft.  Clearly these people could not be identified, even if their cars could be traced, how could it be proved they took any money, or how much money they grabbed.

More than likely most of the money will not be recovered.  I assume the loss is covered by insurance so the loss will be spread out among owners of the insurance company and maybe increased insurance rates.  Basically no one will be hurt financially very much if at all.

So…what would you do?

Not pull over?

Pull over and gather as much as you can and keep quiet about it?

Pull over, gather money and return it to the police?

Pull over, gather money and return some to the police?

What would you do?

I might have just driven by without stopping.  All those people, all that money on a busy highway, it could be dangerous. 

Maybe I would have pulled over and grabbed the cash.  I’m a pretty honest guy, but come on now!

If I did pull over and grab the cash, I think I would have eventually turned over the money to the police…guilt and all that.  So far people have turned over only $5000 out of $175,000.

Maybe I would have turned over the cash but kept a 10% finders fee. 

I think I could live with that…maybe.

Tell the truth.  What would you do?

Thursday, July 11, 2019

Watching Grass Grow


Watching Grass Grow

There is some law of human nature that says if a mode of transportation is developed, there will be races for that mode.

Learn to walk…there will be toddler races and eventually Olympic track and field events.

Nice horse…lets race.

Bike…race

Car…race.

Swim…race.

My family used to race sailboats in the summer.  Racing sailboats was exciting.  Watching a sailboat race, not so much.  My Pop used to say it was like watching grass grow. 

Years later I competed with my pop as a team in the race venue that was even more boring than sailboat racing.

My Dad piloted a small single engine airplane.  The tiny airport where he kept his plane also had glider planes.  They had a glider club of which my Dad became a member.  He flew glider planes, and one weekend he took me as part of a team to a glider race.

I think my job as part of the team was to stay out of the way.  I think Dad was on a radio communicating with the pilot information on wind conditions and stuff.

“How” you ask, “do you race gliders?”

It is somewhat like a sailboat race.  There are specific markers that the glider has to reach and then fly off to the next marker.  There was a course much like in sailboat racing, A triangle course as I recall.

A glider will lose altitude as it glides, so how could it actually race around a triangular course?

The pilot looks for “thermals” upward drafts of air.  When it gets in a thermal, he circles in it gaining enough altitude to glide to the next mark and hopefully another thermal.  The pilot needs to keep finding thermals to keep gaining altitude as he glides around the course.

This particular race that my Pop’s took me to, the conditions were not the best.  The planes in the race all found one thermal, but it was not strong enough to reach an altitude which would let them glide to the next mark. 

For about three hours we watched the gliders, (I do not remember how many probably no more than ten) circle around and around in the only thermal they could find and never got high enough to attempt the next mark.

Three hours of watching gliders in a circle gaining almost no altitude, just gliding around and around in a tight circle.

The race was eventually called and there was no winner.  Conditions just did not allow the gliders to make any progress.  It was like a sailboat race with no wind.

This was the last glider race I ever watched.  I have searched the internet on glider races and found nothing.  Perhaps this was the last attempt at such a competition. I don’t think my Pop participated in any such race again.

Instead, on weekends we would take bets on which blade of grass would grow the most in a day. 

That’s a lie, we could not take that much excitement.

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

It Gets Hot in Summer


It Gets Hot in Summer




It is a good thing I turned on the news this morning…

“This just in, it is Summer, it gets hot in Summer!” 

And if it isn’t hot enough, we have the “heat humidity index” which tells you that even though the temperature is 88, with the humidity it feels like 127!!

I remember when Summer heat was something we looked forward to.  Running through sprinklers, water balloon fights, sneaking into the country club swimming pool, popsicles, and ice cream.  Apparently, I was lucky to have survived the heat back in those days as today I am warned to

“Stay out of the heat, it is very dangerous!”

But, if you must go outside, here are the TV tips to survive.

1.    Keep hydrated!  At all times have water available, take a sip every five minutes.

2.    Wear light highly breathable clothes, do not wear your winter ski jacket or a rubber suit.

3.    Open windows in cars.  Do not leave a child or pet in a car for even seventeen seconds.

4.    Avoid alcohol.

5.    Stay out of the sun, stay under an umbrella at all times.

6.    Try to limit movement.

7.    Periodically pour ice water over your head.

8.    Sit on a block of ice if possible.

9.    Sweat.

10.  Better yet, stay inside with the air conditioner set to 65 degrees until October.

Enjoy your Summer!

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

An American Hero…RIP


An American Hero…RIP
H. Ross Perot passed away at 89 years old.  Famous for making a lot of money and running for President, the short Texan with the big ears and common-sense speeches once saved the country from a major economic failure and possible 1929 like depression.

You won’t find this information in Wikipedia, it somehow has been almost forgotten.  I did find this article from 1971, but it took a lot of searching.


In short:

In 1970 Wall Street brokerage firms, which in those days were all partnerships not incorporations, were unable to keep up with processing trades and transfers of investment certificates.  It was called a paper crunch.  Computers were not yet sophisticated enough to handle all the transactions from an exploding stock market (10 million shares traded a day was a huge trading day in 1970.)

Two of the largest firms on the street, E.I. Dupont, and Goodbody and Company were in danger of bankruptcy.   If they failed, the loss of confidence in Wall Street would have likely caused a run on Wall Street much like the 1929 run on the banks.  The Countries economy was in big trouble.

The largest firm on the street, Merrill Lynch, agreed to bail out Goodbody and Company, but only if no other large (Too big to fail) firm was allowed to go under.

If E. I. Dupont was not saved, Goodbody and Company would not have been saved and a Wall Street house of cards would have tumbled.

H. Ross Perot stepped in and after much negations, he and his group of investors propped up Dupont.  Dupont was saved from bankruptcy, Merrill stepped in and took over Goodbody and Company, Wall Street stayed in business without skipping a beat.

It seems that most of the world was not aware of the potential economic collapse, very little was spoken about the near disaster.

H. Ross Perot stuck his skinny neck out and helped shore up the mess.

Some say he did it to enhance his fortune, and in the long run the deal may have been profitable (not sure).  I believe he stepped in because he knew how dangerous the situation was.  He stepped in at great risk of his entire fortune.

H. Ross Perot is remembered for his unique character, big ears and common sense.  He is remembered for his Presidential runs which probably swung an election to Bill Clinton.

It seems little is said about his role in saving the country from a depression not seen since 1929.

I will always remember H. Ross Perot as an American Hero.

RIP H. Ross Perot.    

Monday, July 8, 2019

Rainy Day on The Jersey Shore


Rainy Day on The Jersey Shore
Rainy days and Sundays always get me down…NOT!

It is a rainy day on the Jersey Shore.  Drizzly anyway.  Not a bad day, just a drizzly day.  The beach is like a snow flake, no two days are alike.  The beach is quiet, there are few people.  I like it that way from time to time.

I assume kids are in their home playing on a phone, a tablet or watching TV.  Good times. 

What did we do a zillion years ago?

When we visited the beach, my Grandparents had a home a block from the ocean.  We could hear the ocean, we could smell the ocean, we could not see the ocean.  The home had a front porch with an awning to protect from the sun.  On a drizzly day it protected from the rain.  The front porch also had a gaggle of cousins... that should probably be a giggle of cousins.

We would sit on that porch on a drizzly day and listen to and smell the ocean.  The giggle of cousins would play chess, checkers, double solitaire, and spit in the ocean (a card game whose rules I forget.)  We played other card games; War, Go Fish, Crazy Eights and Knucks which was pretty much Crazy Eights with a painful knuckle scrapping penalty instead of points.  

We played “Battleship” with pencil and graph paper, “Hangman” and a dice game we called “Yahtzee” all before those games were “invented” and sold by Parker Brothers.

The drizzly days were always fun.  They were a relief from the sun, the bay and the beach.  We did not watch TV, reception was horrible and there were only three channels anyway.  The drizzly days would have driven the parents, aunts and uncles crazy with the giggle of cousins if not for the porch and the games.

An iPhone, a tablet, and TV would have been great to while away the time.

I’m glad all we had were cards, games, and a giggle of cousins.

Sunday, July 7, 2019

NEVER FIRED A GUN

NEVER FIRED A GUN
I don’t think kids have toy guns any more.  Well they probably exist, but I’ll bet in most places they are frowned upon.  Guns are bad.  Guns kill people and animals, and they break things.  Some people like guns.  They enjoy target practice and hunting.  My friend Frog is always trying to get to try skeet shooting.  Can't do it.  

Guns scare me.

I probably don’t like guns because I was taught as a child to not like guns, right? 

Nope. 

When I was a kid I loved playing with toy guns.  I had toy pistols and toy rifles.  I played with other kids in the neighborhood.  We hid behind trees and garbage cans and shot at each other. 

We didn’t just yell “Pow Pow” or “Blam Blam” or even “Bang Bang” though I do recall being able to imitate the ricochet noise we learned from watching westerns, we had caps and cap guns.  Stick’em caps were the most realistic but you had to reload often.  Roll caps were the best, kind of like real assault weapons. Oh how I loved the smell of cap powder in the afternoon.

We shot each other, we shot imaginary Indians (that would be Native Americans) we shot Japs (sorry, we still weren’t eating sushi in the fifties) and we shot wild animals along with “Rama of the Jungle” on TV.  My brothers had a BB gun.  They shot little rubber army men and an occasional bird.  I came from a family of toy guns. 

I’ve never fired a real gun.  I don’t think either of my brothers ever fired a real gun.  My oldest brother once went deer hunting with some Navy buddies.  He bought a new rifle and other stuff just for the hunt.  When he had the chance to take down a deer he could not pull the trigger. 

Actually I guess Jim did have to learn to fire a gun as an officer in the Navy, but I don’t think he ever aimed at anything other than a target.

Well there was that groundhog incident.  My mom had a thing against groundhogs, but Jim missed on purpose.

I remember my pop once shot a squirrel with his friend from Louisiana.  He was depressed for a week.*

What is your point Cranky?

I don’t know, for some reason I remembered cap guns and started to ramble.  Maybe my point is children’s toys and children’s games do not necessarily lead to similar behavior as adults.  Maybe it sometimes gets it out of their systems.

My point is not that hunting is bad, or that people should not have guns.  If I lived in the sticks I would greet every stranger coming down my dirt road with a “howdy” and a shotgun by my side.

So there; no point.  I don’t like guns; I loved playing with toy guns.

So what?

*Italics indicate a wondering mind.
Post familiar? re-run from July 2015

Friday, July 5, 2019

On The NJ Boardwalk (GIRLS)

On The NJ Boardwalk (GIRLS)
I stumbled over this post from July 2016, thought it a good time for a re-run.
As previously mentioned, the boardwalks on the Jersey Shore are full of games and rides.  They were super fun for young boys, until the age of around 13 when interest turned to girls.


The boardwalk was the perfect training ground for learning the boy girl romance dance, though clearly I never learned many steps.


Anyway.


At the shore the girls you meet are never from your home town, often not from the same state.  The participants in the dance are only around for a week or less, and age is not important, everyone lies about their age. If (when) you make a fool of yourself, there is no damage, you will never see the person you just embarrassed yourself with again.


Mostly this experience was all about posturing.  Put on your best cool duds, primp your hair, slap on way too much “English Leather,” hang around the rides, and wait. We waited a lot.  The thrill was in the expectation.  Easy anonymous girls looking for fun…we would find out what those condoms that every boy carried in his wallet were for.


Unfortunately most of us never got past the preening.  We never thought to actually approach a girl; we expected they would come to us.  I do remember one night when my friend and I magically “hooked up" with two really cute young ladies (at the shore, all the girls are really cute.)  We chatted for a few minutes but they had to go somewhere with their parents.  We would meet the next night at the “Tilt-a-whirl” and finally move past the preening stage...the talking and stuff stage!


The next night my friend and I got dizzy from “Tilt-a-whirl” rides.  Cute girls never showed up.  Apparently they were practicing their hook up skills and we were just an experiment.  I think that is as close to a random pick-up as I have ever gotten.


Years later I learned the real art to meeting girls on the boardwalk from my 13 year old son and his best friend. 


We rented a house by a boardwalk.  I could watch my own young son and his friend learn the dance.  While others simply preened and waited, these lads did the unexpected…they actually went up to the girls as they walked by and introduced themselves.  I watched them time after time talking with and walking away with cute young girls.  It seems that the young ladies parading the boardwalk are all hoping for anyone to approach them!

Who knew?
  
I believe these young players arranged meetings with several of the girls they met with their unique method of actually talking.  I don’t think any of these meetings ever actually occurred. 


Some things never change. 

Monday, July 1, 2019

YOU SHOULD KNOW

YOU SHOULD KNOW
 
This is a Mrs. Cranky comment that throws me every time.  Looking back, I think this may not be restricted to Mrs. Cranky, but is a characteristic typical of many woman I have known…the “You Should Know” syndrome.

“Kare, where is the mayo?”

“You should know”

“But I don’t know.”

“Think about it.”

“I don’t feel like thinking about it, why don’t you just tell me?”

Because you should know.”

“But I don’t!”

"You should!" 

"Come on!"

“It is in the pantry.”*

“Great, where in the pantry, there are like 12 shelves?”

“You should know.”

“What the “F”, why should I know?”

“Because a week ago before we went shopping, you told me we had a jar of Mayo behind the corn flakes on the cereal shelf…don’t you remember?”

“Obviously not and why didn’t you just tell me that 5 minutes ago, there’s 5 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back.”

“Because you should have known and not had to ask in the first place”

“But I didn’t know, that is why I…never mind…’Third base!’”

“I know you’re a jerk!”
A re-run from July 2015
*Unopened mayo does not need to be in the fridge, at least in this country.

Sunday, June 30, 2019

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY 063019


STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY 063019
This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.

__________________________________
Men with 'dad bods' are happier, more attractive to women, survey claims – Interesting, of course it was 1000 middle-age men that were surveyed, but still…

Nazi soldiers used performance-enhancing 'super-drug' in World War II – The UN has declared all their victories forfeited.

San Francisco becomes 1st major US city to ban e-cigarettes – It is, however, still OK to shit on their sidewalks.

Betting on Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest denied in New Jersey – Apparently, Jersey legislators think “all the fixin’s” means the contest is rigged.

Rise of mental illness worldwide tied to austerity, inequality, insecurity, UN report says – I did not know that austerity, inequality and insecurity were new phenomena. 

New Jersey fisherman wrangles large shark in the middle of the beach – Telegram…Candygram…Paperboy…LANDSHARK!!

Massachusetts residents see 'tornado of poop' – This is worse than “Sharknado!”

Man needs chopstick surgically removed from hand after attempting beer bottle opening trick – I can’t even eat rice with chopsticks and this dude can open beer cans with them…oh wait, he can’t.

Snake slithering on moving truck is no match for windshield wipers – Oh come on headline writers…windshield “VIPERS” that’s a slam dunk.  “Truck has problem with windshield vipers” or “Wipers no match for vipers” or “Wipers swipe Vipers, scared driver needs diapers!”


What is Joe Biden’s net worth? – I have nothing against Joe Biden, but why would his net be worth any more than anyone’s net?

Texas woman banned from Walmart after eating half a cake, demanding to pay half-price – Almost makes sense, except she wanted to pay half price for the half she didn’t eat.


FEEL GOOD STORY of the WEEK:

Baseball legend Albert Pujols takes the jersey off his back for young fan with Down syndrome – I Always thought Albert was special, this confirms it!