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Sunday, January 20, 2019

STUPID HEADLINES 012018


STUPID HEADLINES 012018



This weeks stupid headlines and my stupider sometimes sophomoric comments.

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Walmart bans woman who rode cart while drinking wine from Pringles can - Banned from Walmart?  Who knew they had any standards; I guess they draw the line on wine in a Pringles can?

Panties, bras fly from car during nearly 100 mph chase in Indiana It is a well-known fact that most bras and panties can not stay on a car at speeds of 75 mph or higher.

An American president actually had to deny he is a foreign agent – Well someone asked him so I guess he had to deny it.  I suppose if he was asked if he ever sang “Hello Dolly” in drag he would deny that as well.

Americans more likely to die from opioid overdose than in a car accident – Unless you drive a lot, and your odds do change dramatically if YOU DON’T TAKE OPIOIDS!!

Meghan Markle breaks royal protocol with dark pedicure and no tights – “I say, that is outrageous! I also understand that Harry was not wearing a powdered wig!”

Texas drug suspects called cops after somebody stole their weed – Two less geniuses for the Mexican cartel to worry about.

Man caught on camera putting bundle of marijuana in wrong mailbox – Clearly marijuana makes you stupid!

Pennsylvania police department seeking volunteers who can drink to inebriation – Finally, something that I am highly qualified for!

Nebraska college student builds 84 snowmen in one night – His parents must be sooo proud!

Hilton dishwasher awarded $21.5 million for having to work Sundays – Dang, I worked Monday thru Friday for 40 years and didn’t make anything near that much!


The Number 1 Who Gives A Crap story of the week:

Even With Rappers Set To Perform, Super Bowl's Halftime Show Remains Tone-Deaf – Here’s an idea, MARCHING BANDS!!


FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THEWEEK:

Kentucky driver seemingly tries to destroy snowman, surprised when they hit tree stump – I think I love an asshole meeting karma even more than a good dog story.


 











Thursday, January 17, 2019

Why Worry When They Are Home?


Why Worry When They Are Home?

When my son is home I worry.  While he is away, I don’t.  Is it just me?  Why do I worry when he is home?

My youngest son was home for two weeks over his schools Christmas Vacation.  Spencer is a big boy.  He is a Junior in college.  He will be 21 in a month.  We don’t see him often, and we enjoy his visits, but he turns the house upside down.

Mrs. C and I have our routines.  We have schedules.  Spencer is a schedule ruining, routine disturbing machine. 

Missing a hair brush,

“SPENCE!! Have you seen my hair brush?”

Spencer, half asleep, “Ah wah…er…oh yeah, it’s in my jacket.”

No reason to ask why it is in his jacket, I am just happy to get it back.

I need my lighter to start the bar-b-que.

“SPENCE!! DO you have the lighter?”

Spencer, half asleep, “Ah wah…er…oh yeah, it’s in my jacket.”

No reason to ask why it is in his jacket, I am just happy to get it back.

Planning dinner is difficult as Spence does not know when he is visiting his old friends from my former town 20 minutes away.  We eat early then find he is not leaving until 10:30.

He is home at 2:30.

From 10:30 to 2:30 I worry.  Why do I worry?  He is not home 11 months of the year and I never worry any of those times.  Why do I worry when he is home?

He texts me when he gets to his friends, he texts when he is on his way home.  If he should not be driving, he stays at friends and lets me know. 

He is a good driver, why do I worry?

I think it is because we know our children from days when they were very young and very stupid.  It is hard to realize they have become responsible.  Perhaps it is also because I still can remember my days as a college junior and several weeks short of my 21st year. 

Actually, it is definitely because I still can remember my days as a college junior and several weeks short of my 21st year. 

When he is at school in a relatively enclosed, regulated environment with studies to keep him busy I don’t feel responsible for his well-being.  When he is at home, I feel more responsible for keeping him safe.  When he is at home I worry.  It makes very little sense.

Spence left for school last Saturday.

The Cranky house is back to normal.  Our schedules are as we like them.  Our routines are set.  Stuff is where stuff is supposed to be.  All is well again.

I do miss him…but I don’t worry.





Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Directions


Directions

Mrs. C and I are often on the same page.  I can start a sentence, she will finish it.  I can make the most innocuous comment and she will know immediately what I was thinking.

And yet, when it comes to directions we are in different time zones.

Understand, that I am directionally challenged, whereas Mrs. C has some kind of miraculous internal GPS system.  She knows at all times which direction is north and which is south.  I think north is going up hill and south is going downhill.

I suppose it is because of my directional deficiency that when telling me how to get from point A to point B, she over explains directions.

Sometimes this is great.  For instance some people will tell you,

“Go about one mile on rt. 1 and turn left at the third light.”

What is ABOUT one mile? Sometimes it is a half mile, sometimes it seems like five miles.  Then there is that light thing.  If I am at a light and told to turn left at the third light, do I count the light I am at?

Mrs. C will say,

“You go three quarters of a mile on rt. 1 from Forest Ave.  You will want to turn left at Grove, the third light after Forest Ave.  There will be an Exxon station on the north bound side, and a Burger King at the light on your side.”

Super directions.  Mrs. C is great.

Except sometimes she gives too much information.

The other day I had to go to the train station to pick up her sister coming home from Washington DC.

I have been to this station about 100 times.  We were just there the day before when we dropped off the college student to go to Massachusetts.

So I knew the route, but had not actually driven there myself for a long time.  Also, Mrs. C never seems to take the same route to anywhere twice.  She says traffic depends on the time of day, the weather and her mood.

Anyway.

I ask her just to confirm,

“I take the parkway and there is a specific sign for the train station exit, right?”

“Yes, and be sure to turn at the light to get into the station parking lot.”

Great, except the only way you can get into the station is to turn at a traffic light.  It would be impossible to get into the station without turning at a light.  Why would she give me that information?

Now, all the way to the station I am trying to figure out where it is that I should not turn because there is no light and it would screw me up.

When I got to the station there was a light for long term parking that I almost took because I was so intent to make sure I turned at the light.  At the last second I realized the lot I wanted was one more light up.

No problem, all was well, but why did she get me so concerned with that light direction?

When I got home I asked,

“Why did you confuse me with that turn at the light thing?  There is no other way then to turn at the light.  You confused me!”

“I figured that would help, and you were born confused, don’t blame me.”

“But…but.”

“You’re a jerk!”








Monday, January 14, 2019

Just Keep Playing


Just Keep Playing

I have been diligently trying to learn to play guitar for almost six years.  I can play guitar, but I am still learning to play guitar.  I don’t think you ever stop learning how to play guitar.  There is always something new to learn, you can always play faster and cleaner.

The worlds greatest guitar players are probably still working on new techniques, and to improve their old techniques…always you can improve.

One improvement I have found in my playing is I am developing the ability to play on through my mistakes.  That sounds simple, but the natural inclination, for me at least, has been to stop and start over when I make a mistake.  Any error or chord out of sequence and I would get thrown off and have to start all over.  Often with an "Aw Sh*t" thrown in.

I have noticed at concerts, that the professionals do indeed make mistakes.  They probably often make mistakes that only they or their band-mates notice, part of being a professional is to play on without ruining the piece.

Sometimes a performer will make an obvious mistake or even forget where he is in a song.  The professional does not panic, he just keeps strumming until he finds his place.  Sometimes a singer will just throw in a “La la la la la la la” to fill in his brain fart.  Sometimes they will keep strumming and apologize to the audience.

“Sorry folks, there is a missing verse in there somewhere, I just can’t find it” but they do not stop and just start all over.

I actually enjoy it when these “live” slip ups occur.  It humanizes the performer, and I admire their ability to not panic and work their way through a memory lapse.

This guitar stuff is teaching me about life.  

You never stop learning, trying new things, and improving.  It does not matter that you probably will never reach greatness, and certainly will not reach perfection, it is the attempt that keeps you going.

Playing fast is exciting, but often the music is sweeter if you slow down your pace.
If you make a mistake, screw up in any way as we all do, for me on more than a daily basis, you have to just struggle through it.  There are no do-overs in life, you make mistakes, you learn from them and you keep on playing.

You play until the music stops.

PUSHING THE ENVELOPE

PUSHING THE ENVELOPE
How important is the way a card is placed in an envelope?  To me it is not important at all. I never give it a moment’s thought.  To women it is apparently very important.  Well maybe not all women, but in the small survey of women I have married I find it is very important.
I have never loaded a card correctly into an envelope.
This has been pointed out to me on numerous occasions by everyone in my survey.  I have been instructed in the correct method often.  I still fail; perhaps it is because I do not care. Yes, that would be it, I do not care one whit.
There are only four possible ways to put a card in an envelope.   Mrs. Cranky tells me there are eight ways of which seven are completely incorrect.  No matter how she tries to explain, I can only figure out four ways of which only one is apparently correct.
As there are only four ways to put a card in an envelope and as I do not care one whit how I put a card in an envelope you would think I get it right at least 25% of the time, you would think wrong.  I never ever do it correctly.
I used to always load the card pretty side facing the address side of the envelope.  Not because I cared, but it just seemed to be the way to do it.  I didn’t care, I didn’t think anyone could possibly care, but subconsciously it seemed to be they way a card should be put into an envelope.
Always wrong unless sent to a right handed open-from-the-front person
Still wrong unless sent to a left handed front-opener
It has taken several years of badgering by Mrs. Cranky to get me to change my ways.  I have learned that the card should be placed pretty side away from the address so when the card is opened the recipient will pull it out with the pretty side up. Of course I pointed out to Mrs. Envelope-police, that some people open letters with the address side facing up.
“No one opens an envelope up like that it doesn’t make any sense”

“Well, I think I open the envelope up like you say, but then I turn it around to pull the card out.  My way I will see the pretty side first.  Your way I will see the Hallmark price code first.”
“No one opens the envelope and then turn it around to pull out the card.”
“They could, some do.  Should I ask people how they open their letters before I load their card?”
“You’re a jerk!”
Well I started loading birthday, anniversary, holiday and all greeting cards the Mrs. Cranky way…pretty side away from the address.
Still not good enough.  It turns out there are two ways to place the card in the envelope when it is pretty side down.  Fold up, or fold down, and the correct Mrs. Cranky way is fold down.  That way when you pull the card out it will come out with the pretty side facing and it would be right side up not upside down.  If you load it fold up the card will be pulled out upside down.
Fold up Still wrong unless sent to a lefty
“True, unless the recipient is left-handed, then when he pulls the card out it will be upside down if loaded fold down.  I’m left-handed, maybe that’s why I load cards fold up.  There is no wrong way to load a card, because it all depends on how the recipient tears the envelope and pulls out the card.  Everyone does not do it your way, and if they do, how hard is it to turn a card around?”


Fold down. Apparently this is the correct way.  I still don't care.


“Your way is wrong and it is stupid and that is why you are a jerk!”
Apparently it is not the thought that counts.

re-run from January 2015.


Sunday, January 13, 2019

STUPID HEADLINES 011319


STUPID HEADLINES 011319
It's always the last place you look!

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.

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Saudi women to be notified of divorce by text message – What do they call a pre-nup in Saudi Arabia?  Unnecessary.

Elizabeth Warren in Iowa: 'I am not a person of color' – Maybe not in Iowa, but the rest of the country considers blonde hair and blue eyes to be a color.

Florida man finds out his dad helped deliver him at birth, throws pizza at him – Only in Florida does the delivery man get the pizza! I think he was mad because his Dad’s delivery took over ½ hour.

Rare penny might be worth $1.7M – Keep looking you future pennymillionaires! I think it was found at a gas station chicken store.

Tasting Wine Stimulates Your Brain More Than Math – This is so stupid, why would tasting wine stimulate your math at all?

Paris' first all-nude restaurant closing due to lack of customers – In what universe was this ever a good idea?  Oh yeah, France.

Restaurant manager suspended for racial profiling, throwing chair at black customer: 'I'm not trying to be racist' - Dude, you threw a chair at someone because he was black; “Not Trying?” I’m pretty sure that is racist!

The demise of Sears is rooted in the erosion of American fundamentals – Yes, that and the store sucks!

Man walks into McDonald's with a dead raccoon – No, this is not the start of a stupid joke, this is an actual headline.

Nearly 100,000 au pairs brought to US win $65.5 million settlement in Denver lawsuit – Even a full house of lawyers could not beat au pair.


THE BIGGEST WHO GIVES A CRAP HEADLINE OF THE WEEK:

Mark-Paul Gosselaar hasn’t spoken to his 'Saved by the Bell' co-star Dustin Diamond in 25 years – Stop the presses, the last page of the “WHO GIVES A CRAP GAZETTE” needs a story!


FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE WEEK:

Ex-NASA Engineer Design Glitter Bomb Trap as Revenge for Thieves Stealing His Packages – Sometimes smart people doing stuff to screw with an asshole just makes me feel good…is that wrong?


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Friday, January 11, 2019

Man Vs. The Environment


Man Vs. The Environment




A cranky opinion for

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

The following it the opinion of a cranky old man with absolutely no expertise on the topic opined.  I offer no solutions, only some clap trap from a befuddled mind which may or may not provoke some useful discussion.


It is common in these days of extensive boat and plane travel and man trying to experiment with species new to their native home, for plants or creatures to be destructive to local environs.

Australia seems to be famous for this with introductions of cane toads and rabbits that run a muck and compete with “native” species, often changing the environment.  I put native in quotes, because what is really native?  All creatures and plants are native to earth, if they get moved or introduced to other areas of the planet by man or by seeds floating in the sea or wind, are they invasive, or natural?

Large python snakes in Florida are changing the Everglades.  Asian carp are choking life out of some American waterways.  Man is choking the air with gasses from combusting fuel.

Are these creatures; are we, destroying the environment? 

We are changing the environment, that is for sure.  In the great scheme of things is changing the environment destroying it?  Sure, we may not like it, but other or new species adapt and thrive in any new environment.  Is that bad?  Well it is to us, because for the most point we don’t like change in our environment.

Point is, man is not destroying the environment, we are changing our environment.  Man is not upsetting the ecology, we are part of the ecology.  Where man is special is we can try to control our environment while other creatures cannot.

We can create heat when it is cold, we can cool our environment when it is hot.   In controlling our environment, we may be also changing the environment. 

Does this make man an invasive species, or does it just make us want to thrive as best we can? 

Many of what we call invasive species change the environment.  They also can cause their own demise.  If the change so upsets the environment, eventually the invasive creature destroys the resources that allowed it to thrive.  New species take over, species that do not deplete resources that they rely on.  It may take eons, but the environment is not destroyed, it just changes.

Man has the unique ability to recognize that if we drastically change our environment, eventually we may not be able to adapt.  That is why we replant crops and put quotas on taking wildlife for food or sport.

Man is not destroying the ecology, we are part of the ecology.  If we want to survive, we have to be better than a snake which takes over an island and eventually leaves a desert without birds or rodents to feed on.  The snakes give way to another species that is better adapted to the change the snakes bring about.

Are we changing our environment?  Is man an invasive species? Yes, and yes.  If we want to continue to thrive, we must either stop the “progress” which is changing the environment, or find ways to continue our way of life without changing our environment.

Some experts call for man to stop waste, to control our carbon footprint and in effect go back to a subsistence life style similar to when the country was 90 % farm land. 

There is as much chance of maintaining the environment by going back to a subsistence life style as there is of the pythons in Florida deciding to control their reproduction to levels that can sustain the Everglades current wildlife population.

It is not going to happen!

I am not against cleaner air, water, and stable temperatures, I just believe we need to develop technologies that use the environments resources in ways that will not drastically change it.  

Belt tightening and strict rationing of resources will not work. It just will not; we are not any better in that regard than the snakes.

Incentives to simply preserve our resources through austerity will inevitably fail. 

Long term we need to develop new technologies to maintain and improve our life style while not changing the resources in our environment.

Can man do this? 

If given the right incentives and support, of course we can, we are man.

The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man that upon rereading may just be drivel.  I never know if I am profound or just stupid, I do know that opinions expressed in this blog are not necessarily those of management…Mrs. Cranky.


Thursday, January 10, 2019

You Need To Do A Cost Analysis





"You Need To Do A Cost Analysis"
WARNING
The following post relates to my job over thirty years ago and is as boring as shit.  If you are suffering insomnia it is recommended reading.

Back in the computer stone age, I worked for a stock broker in the Stock Exchange order Processing Department.  Everything we worked with was on mainframe computers accessed by “dumb terminals.”  The dumb terminals accessed information and programs from the main frame computers.

Processed information was maintained on tapes and or printouts, not digitally on a computer.  Our firm’s activity on the Exchanges on any day resulted in a paper print out around six feet high.   After a month those printouts were maintained on film.  Records of sales on the exchanges were maintained on printouts piled about 2-foot-high each day, and then also on film.

We had a dumb terminal to access daily processing information, and a different dumb terminal to make processing entries to the mainframe.

Researching a problem only a day or two old might take only a few minutes, something older could take an hour, something from weeks back could take most of the day.

When a problem was resolved, it often meant taking copies of reports and mailing them to the branch office which raised the issue.

Sometime in the early 90’s, I was asked to test a PC as a replacement to the dumb terminals.

It did not take me very long to realize that number one, the PC could access multiple applications on multiple windows.  This saved time and made research super easy.

I then learned that we could receive and send messages to branch offices on the computer, and not off a teletype machine sent from a specialist teletype operator.  Further it was determined that we could capture information and save it and access it on the PC from multiple servers.

Research could be done from one station and PC; results could be emailed to the office in seconds.

Within a week I reported that this was technology that we needed to pursue and implement ASAP.

I was told,

“We’ll need you to do a cost analysis.”

I did not go to graduate school of business.  I barely limped out of college.  Those needing a “cost analysis” were fresh out of smarty town, there was a book and by golly they were going to go by it.

Now I am not knocking the “cost analysis” process.  In the early days of our computer processing requests, we had spent zillions of dollars, often to save hundreds of dollars. 

This however was a no brainer.

“So” I said, “if McCormack showed you his reaper which would replace and do the work in one day of one hundred workers in a week, would you need a cost analysis?”

“Yes.”

“OK then, 10 PC’s will replace 20 dumb terminals.  The PC’s are $1500 a piece one time, the dumb terminals cost $75 a month each leased from IBM, the leases would last FOREVER.  Research time will be cut in half, requiring less personnel; we can cut paper printed records by about 100 pounds per day and we save about 1000 square feet of storage space.  Besides a night and day improvement in service and accuracy I would calculate the cost savings to be about a large bucket of 100 dollar bills every day.”

“That is not a very professional analysis!”

“Would you do an extensive cost analysis on replacing the horse and buggy with a John Deere Tractor?”

“Yes.”

“Then have at it, I did not take cost analysis in school”

I wonder why I never even got to see where they keep the glass ceiling.

It took about 6 months to slowly start replacing stone age technology with new computer technology.  Maybe two years before we eliminated most of the paper.

The most difficult adjustment was teaching people to double-click with a mouse.
 

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

The Walter 2018


The Walter 2018
The "Walter"

So many winners of the prestigious “Walter” have dropped out of the blogosphere that I almost discontinued the award.  However, a recent blogger that I follow lamented on the demise of BLOG AWARDS which used to be prolific among bloggers.  I decided to once again continue my award.

I believe there cannot be enough blog awards, I have added my own.  It is named after Jeff Dunham’s hysterical cranky old man puppet, “Walter.”
This award recognizes those bloggers who post consistent (2 days a week or more) original, humorous, thought provoking material, and or anyone I damn well feel like awarding it to.
To accept this award, you need only grab it from above and display it on your blog.  (I assume no responsibility if it is stolen copy written material)

There are no questions to answer.

Without further ado, the Walter winners of 2018:

The first award goes to Magical Mystical Mimi @ https://magicalmysticalmimi.com 

Her posts hold no bars, avoid no language, and fits the Walter requirements to a tee.

Congratulations Triple M. 
Go visit her Blog…do it now!

The second award goes to River @ http://river-driftingthroughlife.blogspot.com/

River mixes tales from her life, with fictional stories from writing exercises, along with photos.  I hesitate to give River this award as she has the nerve to occasionally correct my spelling and grammar…still we all have our faults and I just like her.  I believe she is my first Aussie recipient. 
Congratulations River. 

Go visit her Blog and tell her to keep posting!

That is it for this year.  If you did not win, don’t be discouraged, keep posting, I read all the posts of bloggers I follow and your time for a “Walter” will come…if you are nice to me.
To see previous year’s winners: