My Wife Is Too Horney For Me
 |
| Stunt Mrs. C |
Oh, come on
now, you know that is not what this post is really about. I’m a cranky old man, not a dirty old man…well…
Anyway, you
would be surprised how many random Google hits a title with “Wife” and “Horney”
will get.
This is
about my wife who literally (see how that
word is supposed to work)
leans on the car horn at drivers who do anything that bothers her.
My wife who
to most unsuspecting strangers is a demure, quiet, well behaved good Catholic
school raised lady, is quite the opposite when behind a car wheel. Behind the car wheel her in-your-face New
Jersey Italian comes out, and she is behind the wheel a lot as she does not
like the way I drive.
She curses
at other drivers who apparently are all assholes or worse. She often gives them an Italian single digit salute.
What figuratively
kills me, and may someday literally (did it again, see how it works people)
kill me is Mrs. C does not give the horn a gentle “Beep Beep” which says
to the other driver,
“Excuse me, but the light is green, please proceed forward.”
No, she gives the horn a “BEEEEEEEEEEEP” which says to the other driver,
“Hey you friggin a-hole step on the gas I want to get moving you stupid idiot!”
“Excuse me, but the light is green, please proceed forward.”
No, she gives the horn a “BEEEEEEEEEEEP” which says to the other driver,
“Hey you friggin a-hole step on the gas I want to get moving you stupid idiot!”
Now, “Excuse
me, but the light is green, please proceed forward” never got anyone in an altercation.
“Hey you friggin
a-hole step on the gas I want to get moving you stupid idiot!” Is just asking for some muscle-head
to get out and start an animated discussion, or perhaps even just push some nut
job over the edge and show off his brand-new Glock!
Guess who
the muscle-head is going to hold a discussion with? Guess where the nut job is going to point his
Glock? That’s right, Me!
The dude
always gets blamed!
“Would
you stop that, your going to get me in a fight.”
“Well he’s
being stupid!”
“One of
these days someone is going to get out and look for a fight, and the guy that
does that will always be someone who can kick my sorry 73-year-old ass!”
“You’re
crazy.”
“Sure,
and when he gets out of the car, what are you going to do, lean on the horn?”
“I have
to get my emotions out.”
“OK,
fine, but when some dude gets out to kick my ass, I’m going to push your head
against the horn and tell him, ‘Call 911, my wife just had a stroke.’ Then when he goes for his phone, you better step
on the gas and get us the heck out of Dodge!”
“Always good
to have a plan.”
“Or you
could just learn to give a friendly ‘Beep Beep’.”
I am impressed with how thoroughly you've thought this through, and formulated an escape plan.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this I am thankful I no longer drive.
ReplyDeleteI admit to using the horn frequently. I've had it with people on their phones, not paying attention to the traffic light. But yes, a quick beep beep is more appropriate.
ReplyDeleteIn the UK excessive use of the horn is illegal. Also using a cell-phone whilst driving.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
Hahaha--Joe, thanks much for this morning's laugh! I almost sprayed my coffee on my computer when I saw that title in my blog-feed!
ReplyDeleteI'm not even too sure where the horn is on our vehicles (I'm assuming the normal place a horn would be?) I rarely drive these days, but hubby is an aggressive driver because of his long commute he had, so he doesn't like it if someone doesn't take off when the light turns green or doesn't go when they can in making a left hand turn, etc, however, I don't think he is too much of a horn blower. There are a lot of idiot drivers out there though.
ReplyDeletebetty
That was me for years, but not anymore. I just go with the flow if idiots we have here. They are generally on the phone so they don't know when the light turns green and they don't care anything about the 50 cars behind them. I just say, Bless their selfish hearts.
ReplyDeleteHave a fabulous day, Joe. ššš
Ha ha, love your solution. Always good to have a plan firmly in mind. Good luck. We never hear a horn here in tiny town Arkansas. If I do hear one someday, I will look for Mrs. C:)
ReplyDeleteSee the Disney cartoon Mr. Walker and Mr. Wheeler if you want a good laugh about the subject, also confirmation that it's not just Mrs. C.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the laughs :)
ReplyDeleteMy ex, the first one, used to stick his head out the window and yell, "what f...ing shade of green are you waiting for d...head??"
hahaha friendly beep made me laugh harder dear Joe
ReplyDeletewitty title and what a fun post ,i would avoid to pass her lol