MY CAR IS POSSESSED

 

MY CAR IS POSSESSED

My 2017 Honda HRV (Harvey) is possessed!  Not repossessed, it is paid for, but possessed by some unknown force.

How is it possessed?  I have no idea.  I am the only owner, so it is not as if some previous Nere-do-well left it with some bad karma, or someone died a horrible death and the soul has not left Harvey. 

But possessed it is.

How?

Last month I left for a 4-mile drive to out local recycle center, Fort Grumpy.  (Yes, Mrs. C thinks I should get a job there too) I recycle once a week, carefully separating glass, plastic and cans, cardboard boxes, and paper into separate containers.  I’m pretty sure all this stuff ends up in the same land fill (several engineering experts in the field have confirmed this) but I still feel like I am doing something good for the environment once a week.

On the way to Ft. G. I pulled out my driver’s license and stuck it up under my sun visor.  

Our Ft. G. Grumps demand proof of residency to drop off recyclables, they are very thorough in ensuring some non-town resident cannot drop their stuff off on our center, so proof of residency is demanded.  I put it in my visor ahead of time to be “soup-nazi” prepared for the Grumps…they will yell!

Half way to the center I glanced up at my visor and the license was not there. 

What the Hell!

I pulled over and looked on the floor, the seats and even under the front seats.  Nothing!  How does a plastic license slip out of the visor and disappear without my even noticing?

I looked all over and nothing.  I drove back home for a more thorough search.  After tearing everything in the front seat apart without finding the license I turned to the back…as if a piece of plastic could slip out of a visor, fly out over the front seat and land on the floor in the back without my noticing a thing.

I found it on the floor almost under the back seat and slightly buried under assorted trash.  Impossible, and yet there it was.

Still hard to find...partially buried

Today I left for Fort Grumpy and once again stuck my ID firmly in the visor.  Once again half way to the center I looked up at the visor and …WTF!  Gone.

I Pulled over to check quickly and once again nothing.  I Drove home and checked all through the front driver and passenger side and again nothing.  I checked the back seats and there was the license.  Directly behind me.

So, without any moving of the visor, without hitting any bumps, the license somehow flew out of the visor, over my shoulder, and landed  behind the driver seat and I did not feel or see a thing.

The car is possessed I tell you!

 

Random Observations

 

Random Observations

 

Shopping with Mrs. Cranky after a painful visit with our tax accountant and I made several random observations.

ONE:

We bought a bathtub mat and some Gorilla Glue at Lowes.  We paid via self-check-out.  I hate self-check-out.  I understand at the supermarket when all 4 to 6 check-outs are busy, but…

At Lowes on a week day at 11:30 the whole giant store had about 5 shoppers.  At the self-check-out there was only Mrs. C and myself, and a Lowes employee to make sure we didn’t steal anything.  Of course, as it always seems to me, we also had to ask said Lowes employee a question about the process. 

It was nice she was there to assist, but when it is so slow, why not just have a cash register for the employee to do an old fashion check out instead of standing there watching?

TWO:

Later we passed a green gas station, “Fuel 4.”

“What the hell is a Fuel 4 gas station?”

“Why, who cares?”

“Just is that a national brand? Is it individually owned? Whose gas is it?  I mean all the big oil stations advertise their gas is the best.  Does Fuel 4 have special cleaning stuff, what is the octane, where does it come from?”

“What do you care, you don’t know the difference anyway?”

“I don’t know, it is just weird, I never heard of “Fuel 4.”

“You’re weird…and a jerk.

THREE:

Here is an observation, why are parking lot spaces so important?  Mrs. C made about three laps around the lot looking for the closest space.

“What the hell, just pick a space, you’ve passed up three spaces already!”

“It’s windy, I want to get closer.”

“You have got to be kidding…windy? Have you seen the price of gas? Time is money, gas is money, pick a damn space!”

“Just shutty! Jerk.”

FOUR:

In the supermarket some people still are wearing a face mask…well two people.  I don’t think those things ever worked for Covid, but I wore them so as to not be accused of killing Grandma.  Maybe those two were on chemo or had a reason to be extra careful, no skin off my teeth.  However, one person still did not have the mask over their nose!  Might as well tattoo “I am really stupid” across your forehead!

FIVE:

Also, this had me remembering, as my final random observation, when the supermarkets had arrows in the lanes directing only one way shopping.  At the time I thought that was stupid and said so.  I was severely chastised for that opinion and told that the arrows assured the 6-foot Covid rule.  Seemed to me that  pushing through floating Covid death breath from behind someone would be not less dangerous than crossing through it in a two-way traffic lane.  I let it go back during the Covid scare.  One-way two-way…stupid but what could it hurt.

I will now, several years later, finally get it out of my system,

Those one-way supermarket shopping lanes were really freaking STUPID!!  (Boy that felt good.)

That’s all the observations I’ve got for now.  I think I’d best just listen to Mrs. C and Shutty.

 

 

MRS. C OUTDOES HERSELF

 

MRS. C OUTDOES HERSELF

Happy Valentines Day, or as some call it, Hallmark Holiday Scam Day.

Today, Mrs. C out did herself.  Generally, for any card giving occasion, Mrs. C gets me two cards.  One is comical, the other mushy.  Today she outdid herself and I got two comicals and a mushy.

This is totally unnecessary.  

Given my relationship history, a simple posted note saying, “I don’t expect to be leaving you in the immediate future!” would make my day.

Instead, she spent $21 on cards (Used to be $3.99 a card, but I made the mistake of checking the current price on the back of the cards… yikes!) instead of said sticky note.

I mean it’s her money so…

In addition to the cards, she also managed to find a copy of the High School English writing book that I recently found out was using a Cranky Old Man blog as a homework assignment.  It must have taken an extra effort to find a used copy as it is not available new.

Very cool; thanks Mrs. C. 

                                                     The Book

The Blog

                                                                The Homework assignment

                                                                                 

As someone who hated homework assignments I am delighted to have become one.

In exchange, I got Mrs. C ONE mushy card, and a box of candy. 

I got a Russell Stover assortment.  I once got her a Whitman's Sampler and found out the Whitman's was a trigger from a past bad Valentines Day.  I have been instructed to always get Russell Stover (RS for right stuff) and not Whitman's Sampler (WS for wrong stuff).  RS/WS, Mrs. C’s instructions insure even I get it correct.

We also have reservations to a Fancy Smancy restaurant tonight, that should at least equal extra two cards if not the thoughtful book.

Happy Valentines Day Mrs. C. and thanks for not planning to leave me in the near future! (As far as I know anyway.)

 

CONTACT - Seance with the famous

 

CONTACT - Seance with the famous

 

CONTACT

This is a post from 2011, perhaps read by 7 people.  I still think it is funny, although in these days of people seeking to be offended, it might be inappropriate.

But then I’m old and I don’t care.

 

I recently attended a séance with a local psychic.  I was skeptical at the start, but it must have been real, no one could have made this stuff up.  This psychic specialized in contacting famous people.  She talked to several icons, here is a sample:

 “George Washington, is that you George?”

“Yes it’s me, would I lie?”

“George, why did you chop down that tree?”

“Actually my old man did it, Mom was pissed.  He gave me a buck and I took the rap for him.”

“What?  So you lied?”

“Whatever.”

 

 “Damn, hey, it’s Steve Irwin.  He’s mumbling, I’m not sure what he is saying, what’s that Steve, speak up.”

“A sting ray? Crikey, a fucking sting ray?”

 

“FDR, FDR over here.  Any words for the living?”

“Yes! Jonas, what took you so freaking long?”*

 

“Wow, I have Abe Lincoln, any questions for the Abe?”

“Ask him did he have any regrets.”

“Abe, any regrets?”

“Yes, I think I should have just said 87 years.  That and honestly, I should have skipped the show.”

 

“Marco Polo, is it you?”

“Yes it’s me.  Damn I explored Asia for 24 years, practically invented the modern map, and what am I famous for?  That annoying flipping kids swimming pool game!”

 

“JFK! Mr. President is there anything the USA could have done for you?”

“Don’t ask!”

“What is JFK junior so angry about?”

“Oh, he’s pissed at Sinatra.  Every time he sees him, Sinatra starts singing ‘Come Fly with Me’

 Frank; Frank it’s not that funny!”

“Oh my Lord, it’s Jesus Christ! Jesus, Jesus, are you planning a comeback?”

“Yes, and this time things will be different.  Warn everyone, when I come back don’t cross me!”

 

*(The vaccine guy…took me a while, and I wrote it.)

 

 

QR CODES

 

QR CODES

 

Does anyone out there over the age of 50 know what the heck these postage stamp looking things are?  Please enlighten me if you do.

QR Code…stands for Quick something.

I mean I sort of get it, I don’t live under a rock, but what good are they?  They’ve apparently been around for a few years, but it is only recently that I stopped smacking them on my screens thinking it was a bug or something.

It seems that now, instead of typing in WWW.blahblahblah to take you to a web site, or simply double clicking the blue printed site to take you to their page; you point your phone at the QR Code and boom you are there.

I guess young people like this.  They always have their phone at the ready, they love their phones and they love anything new.

Me, I don’t get it.  It does not seem to me, to be any easier to point my phone at a QR Code (and then what, take a picture, just aim it? I’m not really sure) than to double click a web site or even type it in.

I often see on TV, survey requests to vote for anything from your favorite political candidate, to which soap you prefer.

“We’re taking a survey folks, do you A. Vote Republican B. Vote Democrat C. Not sure; or D. Plan to leave the country. Simply use your phone and the QR Code in the corner to choose.”

Once again, I’m not sure what to do with my phone, just point, snap a pic, or whatever, but if I do choose to vote, I have around 11 seconds to find my phone, find the QR Code and…too late it is gone!  Hell, I could have easily typed in the site and voted, but I am QR Code challenged.

What do I do if the QR Code is offered on my computer? Do I use my phone again? I can’t point my computer at it! (Or can I? Is their some new magical technology I don’t know about?) And, If I see the code on my computer, I want to bring up the site on my computer, not my phone.  Am I missing something?

Here is another thing about the QR Code I don’t like:

I don’t trust them!

It has taken me several computer infections to learn to look at the source before opening a site.  When I get an offer for a free 80 inch TV, I check the site before clicking. 

WWW.iownyourcomputer.ru is probably I site I should not click on.  I can’t screen a QR Code (or can I? maybe young people know how.)  Maybe the QR Code is legit, but there is a dust speck on my screen which takes me accidentally to a secret government site and next day the FBI comes knocking at my door.

I fear the time is coming where use of the QR Code will be the only option.

Is paranoia a sign of oncoming dementia?

A Million Dollar Idea

 

A Million Dollar Idea

 

I have a million-dollar idea, but I am too lazy to develop it, so you can have it.

This idea is not only worth a lot of money, but it will help to at least slow down many obnoxious street protesters whose shenanigans are plastered all over the news every night.

Make money and have annoying people shut the front door, what is this idea?

Copywrite!

Years ago, some numnutz copywrote the “Happy Birthday” song.  For years you would almost never hear this song on movies, TV or radio because some clown had the idea to copywrite it and demand a fee for every time anyone wanted to use it. 

Now; people could still sing it at local birthday parties, possibly illegally, but who would know, but any media use would have to pay to play.

Paris Hilton has a copywrite on the phrase “That’s Hot.”

John McEnroe owns “You cannot be serious!”

Mr. T owns “I Pity the Fool!”

And someone actually owns “You’re Fired!”

I Pity the fool TV producer who thinks that’s hot to say you can not be serious…he would probably hear from his boss, “Your Fired!”

I suggest these other phrases also need to be copywritten:

“Hey hey, ho ho, Blah Blah Blah has got to go!”

“No Justice, no peace!”

“One two three four, we don’t want your Blah Blah Blah!”

This would not stop protestors from their clever chants any more than people stopped singing “Happy Birthday” at private parties, but the nightly news shows could not broadcast the annoying chants without paying me (or whoever steals my idea), and finally, these bobble heads would have to invent a protest chant that was clever and not 60 years old.

There it is, my million-dollar idea that also helps keep ass-hats off the evening news.  You can have it, I’m too lazy and at my age would not know what to do with all that money.

“Hey hey, ho ho, copywrite and make some dough!”

You are welcome.