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Monday, May 30, 2011



Sunday June 5 is the date of the fourth annual Cut-a-thon for a cure for Pancreatic Cancer held at the Hair Shop in Parlin New Jersey.  What, you haven’t heard of it?  In my wife’s family it is huge.  My wife Karen and her siblings Maryann, Donna, and John (kinda sounds like the Dion song) lost both of their parents to Pancreatic Cancer.
Maryann runs a hair salon and started the Cut-a-thon four years ago.  Maryann, the hair stylists at her shop and John’s wife Claudine all contribute their time and skill for one day cutting hair.  The proceeds from all these cuts go to the Lustengarten Fund for a cure to this horrible disease. 
Maryann’s husband Mike works his butt off planning and setting up the event.  Donna and Karen help organize the event and do whatever odd jobs are needed.  John, along with various tasks during the event, deals with his three sisters during planning meetings.  This is a very difficult task indeed.
There are five cousins who all chip in to make the Cut-a-thon work. Along with helping at the event, Nicole takes notes at the family meetings.  Lenny, a professional actor and dancer, entertains the children.  Casey face paints at the event, Peter does whatever he is told, and Carly bakes cookies and sells them with lemonade. 
The entire family works hard and contributes whatever skills they have toward making this event a success.  The only one who does almost nothing for this event is me, the Cranky Old Man.
If any of the 6 ½ readers of this blog want to help me out, please donate to the Cut-a-thon through the web site listed below.  All proceeds go to the Lustgarten Foundation to find a cure for Pancreatic Cancer.  Send some cash and tell them the Cranky Old Man sent you. 
In the last two weeks my blog has had 44 visitors from 15 different countries, all expecting to find pornography.  Let’s see if the blogger audience can also show up for a good cause.  Some of you reach lots of people, pass this on and see what the blogger community can do! 
Credit to any donators will be announced in a future blog.  Be a big shot to eight or nine people from around the world!  Or, take this as a call for all good causes; give something to the charity of your choice and let me know.
Thx for listening,
or copy and paste, I can’t do the ctrl + click thing either!
Due to blogger comment issues and a lack of readers, there was only one comment to “Superpowers I Want”.  Sarah P. wins with her desire for “the power to reshape people’s body parts”.  This is clearly a power which could only be bestowed upon a woman!  Congratulations Sarah P. you win free transportation to the beautiful land down under…..AUSTRALIA!! Come to Sayreville New Jersey USA to claim your prize!
The Cranky Old Man will be away until next week.  I am going fishing with Frog!  Thanks to all for your support….Blogger Power Rules!!
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On twitter as   JoeHagyauthor

Saturday, May 28, 2011



Summer is upon us, which means vacations and travel.  With the cost of a gallon of gas doubling from last year it also means empty wallets.  In order to alleviate the pain of the rising cost of gas, I have researched the internet, and tuned into all the TV news suggestions on how to reduce your gas usage.
It turns out that most of us do not drive efficiently.  Learning to drive efficiently can drastically improve your miles per gallon of gas and ease the pressure on your wallet this summer.
Here are 15 helpful tips to improve your mileage: 
1.     Tire pressure – Government experts tell us that improperly inflated tires can reduce your MPG up to 6%.
2.     Each 100 lbs you carry in your car will reduce MPG by 2%
3.     Driving on the highway at 60 mph offers the best mileage; every 5   mph over 60 will cost you 5% efficiency.
4.     When your car idles for over one minute you lose 2% efficiency.
5.     Driving with an open window can cost you 4%.  Use the air conditioner.
6.     If you dog sticks his head out the open window you can lose another 5%.
7.     A roof rack is convenient for bringing extra luggage, but the wind resistance will cost you a whopping 10%.
8.     Bringing family bikes with you?  That bike rack will add weight and wind resistance stripping your gas efficiency by 4%.
9.     Avoid excessive braking. Coasting to a slow stop as opposed to   hard braking can save you 4% on a tank of gas.
10.  Coast down hills. Taking you foot off the accelerator while going downhill can save you 12%.
11.  Waiting for that light to change will cost you 4%.  Whenever possible, run the red light.  Amber means step on it!
12.  Looking for that parking space in the mall can chew up fuel.  Grab the first handicap parking space and save 4%.
13.  Plan you trip ahead of time.  Eliminate getting lost and taking the shortest route will save you 5%.
14.  Accelerate slowly.  Stomping on the accelerator will reduce mileage up to 4%
15.  Drive at off-peak hours.  Avoiding traffic can increase you MPG by 9%.
I have made several changes in my driving habits to follow these 15 tips.  Before travel, I adjust my tire pressure to the correct PSI.  I remove excess baggage, golf clubs, bowling balls, Wife, and kids.  I drive 60 mph on the freeway, down from 85 mph.  I eliminate idle time by running lights and coasting through stop signs.  I will not use a roof rack; I drive with the windows closed and leave bikes and the dog at home.  I coast down hills.  Braking is for sissies. I park in the handicap space and learned to walk with a limp.  I map out my every trip, accelerate slowly, and only drive between 1 and 4 am.
According to Government experts, by applying these simple driving tips I save up to 110% on my former gas usage.

Now, if my tank is low, I simply hop in the car and drive to fill up that tank!

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on twitter @ JoeHagyauthor

Thursday, May 26, 2011



Everyone seems to be fascinated these days with superheroes and superpowers.  Batman, Superman, Ironman, Spiderman, Thor, The Green Lantern….. It gets me to thinking, if given a choice what superpowers would I want?
Flying sounds really cool, but without indestructibility it is too dangerous.  Indestructibility carries too much pressure.  This is why Superman seems so miserable.  He has the weight of the world on him.  Anytime bad shit happens he is expected to stop it.  Bank robbery, Hurricane, War, Master criminal, Herpes; Superman is expected to step in and make everything better.  The result?  Superman has no life.  No love life, no kids, he doesn’t go anywhere without carrying around that stupid suit.  Superman has no life!
Spiderman, Batman, Ironman all these superheroes have the same problem.  Too much pressure, they have no life, and they are miserable.  I don’t want that kind of pressure; I would not want that much power.  I want superpowers that other people are not aware of, stuff that would improve the quality of my life.
Superpowers I want:
Twitch my nose, and keep all flying insects at least fifty feet away.
Summer is ruined by these pests.  This superpower would make summer nights so nice, and I would become the most popular person at neighborhood Barbeques!
The ability to mentally make another person hic cup, sneeze, or fart.
This power could stop a holdup, win an argument or a bet, but mostly it would just be fun to fuck with people.  Especially people who just annoy me. 
As I am being lectured on my bad table manners by some pretentious snob, it would be so liberating to be able to make that person hic cup uncontrollably.  Cut me off on the turnpike; you will suffer a sneezing fit.  Bore me to death at a cocktail party; a little farting burst will cheer me up.  This power has endless potential.
The ability to come up with the perfect quip at any time.      
I am always thinking of just the right thing to say to put someone in their place, or break up a party with a roaringly funny comment.  Unfortunately I come up with these clever repartees at least ten minutes too late.  I need the instaquip power!
Ventriloman!   The ventriloquist ability to throw my voice.  
This just seems like fun.  Confusing people, getting other people in trouble, the uses are endless.  Imagine, just as the restaurant patron in the booth behind you is about to order, Ventriloman orders stuffed pig snout for him.  What fun!
Remote-man!  The ability to change the TV channel without anyone knowing.
Waiting for a plane; I don’t want the news when Judge Judy is on channel two.  At a bar; screw the game; I want “Dancing With the Stars.”  Boring party; how about changing that elevator music station to the Playboy Channel.
These superpowers would keep me happy, and I would be the life of the party.  What superpowers do you want out there in blogger land?  Let me hear your comments.  My favorites will be announced at a future date.

For more stuff, buy "Maybe It's Just Me!"

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Stuff That Ruined My Youth

I am always complaining about getting old, but when I think back, being young wasn’t all that great either!  Here are some of the things that ruined my youth:                                                                                      
“Hagy, TAKE A LAP!”
“Gee, I’d like too, but I might have to wash my hair that night.”
High School
 “Ah…I’m sorry; my daughter says she’s not home now.”
“Kiss your Grandma!”
“Pop quiz”
“You need to get a job, that’s what you need!”
“Hey kid; gimme a dollar!”
“Why don’t we just be friends?”
“Not with those grades you won’t”
My only 100 was my IQ test.  I got extra credit for knowing how to spell IQ.
Liver and onions
“Don’t!  Stop that!”
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
Wet Willys
“When pigs fly”
Viet Nam
Parallel parking test
Pulling weeds
Mr. Barnes
Being called to the blackboard with a boner.  
The in-crowd
“That? Oh ah....That’s for practicing mouth to mouth resuscitation.”
“I don’t know, what do you want to do?”
Bra hooks
Atomic Wedgies
Brain freeze
Bill Mazeroski
The Twist

Otherwise I had a very happy youth!
For more stuff, buy "Maybe It's Just Me!"

Sunday, May 22, 2011



I just read a comment from some agnostic praising John Lennon’s “Imagine” for its view that without religion we would not have wars.  It is true that many wars have been waged over religious views.  People are killed every day because of differing religious views. 
Does that mean that religion is bad?
The fact that we have wars over religious views, and people are killed for their religious views, means some PEOPLE are bad, not the beliefs they supposedly fight over.  People are killed for gold.  Wars are fought over oil.  If we eliminated gold and oil would we eliminate wars and killing?  I don’t think so. 
People are killed over relationships, love, and sex.  Would the agnostics want to get rid of sex?  I doubt it. 
Agnostics are intellectuals who take great pleasure in showing other people how stupid they are.  If something cannot be proven by science or fact, then it cannot be true and therefore those that believe things that cannot be true are stupid and worthy of the superior intellectual’s scorn.
Religious beliefs cannot be proven by fact or science; therefore religion is to be scorned.  If there are wars or killing over religion, then the agnostics take great pleasure in pointing to the negative results of religion, as if religion is the cause of the wars or the killing. 
Religion never started a war or killed anyone.  Religion is often used as an excuse to start a war or to kill, but it is not the actual reason.  We have wars and killing because of greed.  Greed for money, greed for power, greed for pleasure, greed because some people want to be fat, rich, and powerful just for the sake of being fat, rich and powerful.
Imagine Lennon’s song said:
Imagine that there is no greed;
It is easy if you try.
Nothing to kill or fight for;
Trust in God to get you by.
Imagine all the people, living in this way...

You may say Lennon is a blasphemer;
But I would not be one.
I just think he was stupid;
Thinking having faith is dumb.

Sorry John, your music is great, but Jesus has a better message! 
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Friday, May 20, 2011



It is almost June.  Early June is when my friends Frog (named as he looks like the goggle glasses wearing kid on the little rascals) and Catfish (named because…well it just seemed to fit) take an annual three day fly fishing trip to western Maryland.  I have joined Frog and Catfish three of the last six years.  We have a great time, but as I get older this fly fishing thing gets a lot like work.  I’ve yet to decide if I am going this year, or if I will look for an excuse to take a pass.
We stay for free on this trip in a nice house on a beautiful lake.  Frog has a sweet deal with some Guy for this house.  Actually it is a friend whose name is “Something or other” Guy.  I don’t know how he does it, but Frog never goes anywhere and pays.  He has a friend in every state in the union. 
Of course we never fish on this lake which is noted for its large and small mouth bass.  That would be too easy.  Instead we travel 45 minutes to an hour to fly fish for trout in several different Maryland streams.
I enjoy the outdoors, and the trout streams we fish are beautiful, and relaxing…if it wasn’t for the fishing.  Several factors make this endeavor more chore than pleasure.
Frog, Bill to most people Mr. Douwes to neighborhood six year olds, taught me how to fly fish.  Well…he got me to try.  I have acquired some proficiency at this sport which tops most in its ability to frustrate, but  attaching a speck of a fabricated insect to the tiniest line is almost impossible for my tired eyes.  When I lose a “fly”, usually snagged in a tree, I have to whine to Frog like a three year old for him to attach a new fly to my line. 
It takes several “false casts” to let out line before dropping the fly gently in a spot certain to hold a fish.  If your timing is off, these false casts succeed only in creating a giant bird’s nest of tangled knotted line.  I spend much of my fishing time sitting on a rock trying to undo these tangles.
Navigating these streams in full wading gear is also difficult.  Walking on slime covered bowling ball like rocks in a fast stream is not really relaxing. 
Still, all things considered, I have learned to enjoy this pastime and have even caught an occasional trout.  The reason I hesitate to participate in the annual excursion is…… CATFISH!!
Frog is an avid, accomplished fly fisherman.  Catfish, Roy to most people Mr. Miller to neighborhood six year olds, is a certified fishing lunatic.  Catfish is up at dawn and ready to fish.  We call him FTD, fish till dark.  He will not quit till the fish stop biting, and they never stop biting for Catfish.  He could catch fish in a street puddle.  Frog catches four or five fish on a good day.  I catch two or three on a good weekend.  Catfish catches three or four an hour.
Catfish is always on the move.  “Let’s go upstream; let’s go down stream; I’m going to cross the river; there is a stream a few miles from here we should try……”  I am perfectly happy not catching fish where I am and don’t really want to leave to not catch fish somewhere else.
When I move in a stream, I splash and stir up silt scaring all the smart fish.  I then cast my fly with a loud slap and a tangle where I think a fish might be hiding.  Catfish silently sneaks up on his prey, hides behind a rock and lands his fly quietly as if it just fell from the sky right on top of a clueless trout.
I will fish all day with the same fly.  Frog will make frequent changes from a stash of an assortment of self tied lures.  Catfish also has a stash and makes frequent changes, but will whip out gear and tie a special fly on the spot if he sees a feeding trend. 
Frog and Catfish have the fly fishing jargon down to a science.  “Fish on!” Frog will yell when he gets a bite.  “Whatcha got?” Catfish asks.
“Feels like a brownie.”
“Really?  All’s I’ve seen are brookies!”
“Feels like a brown…wait; damn it’s a little rainbow!  I could have sworn it was a brownie.  It fought just like a brownie!”
“What did you catch him with?”
“A mugwig number 8.  I was using a catsinjammer number 4, but I thought I saw something feeding on what looks just like a mugwig!”
“Thanks, I’ll have to tie me one.  Can you loan me some baby skunk tail fur?”
I hook up and I yell, “Got something!” 
“What is it?”
“How the fuck should I know?  It’s either a fish or a lively freaking snagged branch.  Wait…damn, it’s a branch.  I could have sworn it was a fish.  It fought like a fish! ”
“What were you using?”
“A fucking dumb foam ant!  What is the difference?”
“Thought so, branches love those foam ants!”
“Fuck you! Freaking wise guys.
By nine PM I am exhausted, sore and starving.  Even Frog has had enough.  We beg, then drag Catfish away from the stream and head for dinner at Uno’s, the only place still open out in the sticks of western Maryland. 
One day of this I can handle, three days I’m not sure.  I think Frog likes my company.  I make him feel real good about his fishing ability. 
I’m not sure Catfish even knows I am there.   

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Wednesday, May 18, 2011


There is a show on Animal Planet “I Shouldn’t be alive” where people get themselves in horrible situations, face death, and at the last minute manage to escape or be rescued.  In the fifties and sixties my friends and I did things which today it would seem a miracle that we made it to retirement.  Here are the things we did as kids for which:
As an infant, my parents allowed me to sleep on my stomach.
Two kids and only one bike?  No problem one kid would just ride on the handlebars.
I regularly ate peanut butter.  I even took PBJ sandwiches to school and killed no one!
I never used a seatbelt in a car before the age of 22.
I once crossed the road and only looked one way.
In the winter we bumper-hitched (grabbed a ride by skiing on your boots behind a car holding on to the bumper.)
I cut through old man McDermott’s back yard.
I rode bikes and skied without a wearing a helmet.
I Sailed small boats and water-skied without wearing a life jacket.
I took salt tablets before football practice in 98 degree heat.
We Played with BB guns.
I dove in the shallow end of a swimming pool.
I ran with scissors. 
The hill we used for Sledding in the winter was on a busy street.
I ate raw eggs.
I struck a match without closing the cover.
I Drumk and droved (hic).
I had unsafe sex….well I would have.
I ran barefoot all summer…Bees? I ain’t afraid of no stinkin bees!
I passed an 18 wheeler truck on the right.
I stood under a tree in a thunderstorm.
I Called Football Coach Corey “Norm” (Had to run laps until I dropped, but I did survive.)
I once went swimming 45 minutes after eating.
I once prepared raw chicken and did not wash my hands.
I squirt starter fluid over a lit brbq.

They should do that TV show on my life because clearly;

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Monday, May 16, 2011



Time to spout off at something that really rattles my bones, sticks in my craw, pisses me off and in general makes me angry.  This is a scam perpetrated by many; it was Freecreditreport.scam that brought it to my attention.
Several years ago I was kicked out of my house by my cheating wife (still don’t know how that works; basically the screamer gets to stay.  In a world of sanity, crazy usually wins the battle, but they still have to live in that head).   Anyway, I was relegated to a one bedroom apartment with a TV, chair, a pot, pan, spoon and a fork.  I signed up for cable and all my utilities and was told by my Gas Company that I needed to have a deposit of $12 because of my poor credit rating.
This was disturbing to me as I had no debt, owned outright the house that I was thrown out of, and always paid my bills on time.  I was concerned because of all the TV ads with the dude playing guitar, and Ben Stein playing whack-a-mole, telling me that a poor credit report would cost me money, keep me from working, cause stomach problems, loss of hair, bad breath, and make the Gas Company require a deposit before turning on my gas.
I wanted to find out about my poor credit rating, so I went online to freecreditreport.scam.  It was a free service, so why not?  It turned out that in order to get the free service they needed my credit card number.  When I got my free credit report, which was actually very good, I noticed just before signing off, a note which said, Unless requested otherwise, you will be charged $7.50 per month.  If your credit changes at any time we will notify you by e-mail. “  I did not want this service, so I decided to “request otherwise.” 
The website offered no box to check which said, “I DO NOT WANT THIS CRAP!  The site did not even offer a phone number to call and say, “I DO NOT WANT THIS CRAP!  I searched the web for an hour and a half before finding a customer service number for freecreditreport.scam.  I was on the phone for another hour pressing numbers which took me through automated circles before finally I was able to scream, “Speak to a human being!” 
I spoke to a nice lady who did acknowledge that I DID NOT WANT THIS CRAP, and updated the system to not charge my account.  She was nice enough to advise me to make sure I checked that I was not charged and gave me a tracking number which would help me if I was charged in error.  I will admit I was never charged for this free service which I did not want.
I am retired.  I have the time to track down these people and not pay for something I DO NOT WANT.  How many people do not even see the small print?  How many people do not have the time to track down the service?  How many people never notice the $7.50 monthly charge?  By the amount of advertising and the height of their scare tactics, I would say a lot! 
Why is your credit report suddenly so important?  It is important because someone figured a way to scare the crap out of you and make tons of money.  Years ago I had a problem getting a mortgage because of my credit report.  The bank told me what the problem was, and I needed to send them a letter explaining why a $30 debt was paid two months late.  It did not cost me $7.50 for life to take care of the issue!
A year ago, my wife (not the nut) went over her credit card statement looking at all charges.  She is an internet addict, and often signs up for “free” services.  She found $65 worth of monthly charges, all in increments of $8 or less, which she was not aware she was paying.  It took her two days to stop these charges from recurring.
The government is always passing laws to protect us from ourselves; can they stop this internet fraud?  When asked for a credit card number, require the vendor to explain in LARGE PRINT what you will be charged for if you do not request “I do not want this crap.”  Then require the vendor to provide an I DO NOT WANT THIS CRAP box to check.  Will this put services that no one really wants out of business?  YES! That’s the point!
By the way, I called the Gas Company and asked with much indignation why they required a $12 deposit when my credit report was in fact quite good.  The response was “I don’t know and we can’t tell you.”
My monthly gas bill was less than the $7.50 monthly charge I almost paid in trying to find out why I was required to give the Gas Company a $12 deposit. 
I think the Gas Company and freecreditreport.scam are in cahoots!
For more cranky crap, buy my book "Maybe It's Just Me!" @ amazon

Sunday, May 15, 2011

CONTACT - Seance with the famous

I recently attended a séance with a local physic.  I was skeptical at the start, but it must have been real, no one could have made this stuff up.  This physic specialized in contacting famous people.  She talked to several icons, here is a sample:
 “George Washington, is that you George?”
“Yes it’s me, would I lie?”
“George, why did you chop down that tree?”
“Actually my old man did it, Mom was pissed.  He gave me a buck and I took the rap for him.”
“What?  So you lied?”
 “Damn, hey, it’s Steve Irwin.  He’s mumbling, I’m not sure what he is saying, what’s that Steve, speak up.”
“A sting ray? Crikey, a fucking sting ray?”
“FDR, FDR over here.  Any words for the living?”
“Yes! Jonas, what took you so freaking long?”
“Wow, I have Abe Lincoln, any questions for the Abe?”
“Ask him did he have any regrets.”
“Abe, any regrets?”
“Yes, I think I should have just said 87 years.  That and honestly, I should have skipped the show.”
“Marco Polo, is it you?”
“Yes it’s me.  Damn I explored Asia for 24 years, practically invented the modern map, and what am I famous for?  That annoying flipping kids swimming pool game!”
“JFK! Mr. President is there anything the USA could have done for you?”
“Don’t ask!”
“What is junior so angry about?”
“Oh, he’s pissed at Sinatra.  Every time he sees him, Sinatra starts singing ‘Come Fly with Me’ Frank; Frank it’s not that funny!”
“Oh my Lord, it’s Jesus Christ! Jesus, Jesus, are you planning a comeback?”
“Yes, and this time things will be different.  Warn everyone, when I come back don’t cross me!”

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Friday, May 13, 2011



What happened to global warming?  I turned my back and suddenly it is now called climate change.  Is the earth not warming?  It was a year ago.  Of course 35 years ago the earth was cooling.  In my teens I was scared that the next ice age was coming.  In my later years I was panicked that the earth was going to turn into a cinder.  Data showed that the Earth was warming; then data showed that for the last ten years the Earth was cooling.  E-mails then showed that the data was being played with.  What is going on?  Don’t people have to panic about something so the politicians can push their agenda? 
The climate is changing.  How can you dispute that?  Is it changing because of carbon dioxide emissions?  Maybe.  Is the Earth warming or cooling?  Yes!  Yes it is! 
The climate is changing, and it will be cataclysmic!  Hurricane?  Climate change.  Tornado?  Climate change.  Flooding?  Climate change.  Snow storm?  Climate change.  Hurricanes, tornados, flooding, blizzards, drought, earthquake, inflation, acne, allergies and hic cups all due to CLIMATE CHANGE!!
How do I know? Did you have a hurricane, tornado, flood, blizzard, earthquake or the hic cups yesterday?  Well if they happen today, it is a change in the climate, or….. CLIMATE CHANGE! 
The answer to this problem is simple.  Stop driving cars, stop warming your house, stop reading at night and watching TV.  Turn off your stoves; throw away your BBQ, work at home (but don’t use a computer), ground all planes; plant a tree, and stop fucking breathing! Do or don’t do whatever it takes to prevent the unpreventable so you don’t have to hear some politician with a hidden agenda tell you “I told you so!”  This may sound extreme, but we must save the earth.  Save the earth for those poor polar bears. 
Do seals get to vote on that? 
I am a bit tired of the environmental axiom that says if we upset the ecology in any way the earth and all its creatures are doomed.  Bull crap, just stop it!  The earth will change, the ecology will be different, creatures, flora and fauna will adapt.  I’m pretty sure it has always changed.  I know I have not seen a dinosaur in years. 
Stop the scary scenarios of the rising seas flooding our cities.  If it happens it will not be overnight; we will adapt.  We will build walls and dykes.  We will dig trenches and route the water to inland seas over land we currently don’t use.  Who really needs deserts?  Ok, I’ll miss the rattle snakes and horney toads, but I can sacrifice them for Sacramento.  Call me crazy.
Someday we will eliminate the use of fossil fuels.  That will be great.  We will invent new technologies that keep the air and water pure.  Smog will be eliminated; all forms of pollution will be a thing of the past.  All these things will happen and that will be wonderful.  However, the climate will still be changing, and meteorologists will still not be able to predict any change beyond the three day forecast.  We will still have hurricanes, tornadoes, blizzards, floods, droughts, earthquakes, inflation, acne, allergies and hiccups. 
If we don’t it will be because of climate change.  

For more Cranky Old Man opinions on this see "GLOBAL WARMING" in 
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Monday, May 9, 2011

"Oinky The Pig" (A Cranky Fable for Spoiled Brats)


It seems to me that every friggin celebrity is writing or has published a children’s book.   Madonna published a children’s book, ex-Princess Fergy has published several.  Other celebrity children’s books have been written by: Cal Ripkin Jr., Barack Obama, Al Yankovic, Carly Simon, Julie Andrews, Jamie Lee Curtis, Bob Dylan, Judy Collins, Jeff Foxworthy, and I could go on and on.  I often hear talk-show starlets announcing they are writing a children’s book.  Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap.  These geniuses are so talented.  They sing, dance, act, paint, and if things are slow they slap together a children’s book.  These books always have a wonderful message which is destined to change the world!  Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap.  
I have two problems with this.  Number one, does anyone really buy these books?  Number two, do we even need any more children’s books?  We have Dr. Seuss books, Richard Scary books, Little Toot, The Little Engine That Could, Wacky Wednesday, Go Dog Go, Where The Wild Things Are, Are You My Mother, The Purple Crayon, and other classics; do we need any more?  Two and three year olds can go months and be very happy with just one of these classics.  By the time they can read themselves they still have not experienced all the great children’s books that have already been published.
It seems to me that people keep writing these books because they are so easy to write and everyone is impressed that they are writing a book!
OK, I will try it myself.  Here is a children’s book with a life lesson every child needs to learn.
(A Cranky Fable for Spoiled Brats)
Little Bobby lived on a farm far away from the nearest neighbor.  He was four years old.  He lived with his father, his mother and his older brother, Ben.  Bobby had no friends.  Little Bobby was very lonely.
One day Bobby’s Daddy came home with a wiggly bundle in a blanket.  When he saw what was wiggling in the blanket, Bobby squealed with delight.  Daddy had brought home the cutest, pinkest, funniest little piglet that Bobby had ever seen.  “Can I keep him Daddy?  Can I, Can I?”  Bobby asked.  “Sure you can.”  Daddy said.  “He is yours to play with, yours to clean up after, and yours to feed.”  “Oh thank you,” Bobby said. “I am going to name him Oinky.”
Oinky was the best friend, the only friend, that little Bobby ever had.  “Oh, Oinky”, Bobby said, “you are so smart, so cute.  Oinky I love you!”  Oinky just snorted a cute little snort and nuzzled Bobby under the chin.
For the next year, wherever Bobby went, Oinky followed.  Bobby did his chores.  Oinky was with him.  Bobby went to the swimming hole.  Oinky was with him.  Bobby went fishing.  Oinky was right there.  When Bobby went to bed, Oinky slept right next to his bed.  “Oh, Oinky”, Bobby said, “you are so smart, so cute.  Oinky I love you!”  
As the year went on, and Bobby fed Oinky, the little piglet grew into a pig.  Oinky grew into a big pig.  Daddy came to Bobby and said, “Bobby, I know you love Oinky, but he is getting so big.  He is too big to be a little boy’s pet.”  “But Daddy,” Bobby pleaded, “I love Oinky.”  Daddy just replied, “I know you do Bobby….but….well, you know!”  And Bobby did know.  Bobby was a farm boy.  Bobby was very sad.
That night while everyone was asleep, Oinky smelled smoke.  Smoke was coming out of a shorted out wall socket.  Oinky grunted and grunted until Bobby woke up.  Bobby smelled the smoke and ran to his Daddy. 
“Smoke Daddy!  Oinky smelled it and woke me up; there is a fire!” 
Bobby’s Dad grabbed an extinguisher and ran to where Bobby and Oinky had spotted the fire.  He quickly put out the fire. 
“Well Oinky, I guess we all owe our farm and our lives to you.  Your smelling and your grunting has saved the day!”
“Oh, Oinky”, Bobby said, “Oinky, I love you!”
The next night at dinner, Bobby’s Dad said grace. “Lord, thank you for this family, this farm, and thank you for sending Oinky, who saved us from fire.  Lord, we also thank you for this fine celebratory meal which we are about to enjoy.  Amen.” 
As Daddy carved out slices of flavorful roast pork Bobby exclaimed, “Mmmm mmmm, Oh Oinky, now we are ALL going to LOVE you!”
Damn, what is so hard about writing a children’s book?

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