SHE'S OUTTA YOUR LEAGUE
This cranky re-run is from April 2014
I may or may not have ever mentioned this, if so I am mentioning it again. I have never been a ladies man. I’ve had dates, I’ve had girlfriends, hell I’ve even had three wives, but I’ve never been a ladies man. Most women usually see past my exceedingly good looks and charming personality and find something else way less good looking and not so charming. So far Mrs. C has not looked that deep and still finds me charming…I guess. Anyway, except for Mrs. Cranky I’ve never had much success with women.
The reason for my lack of success? I reached my peak at thirteen. It's true; at thirteen I was a very handsome lad. I had a full head of hair; I had a powerful, athletic physique, a bright smile, reasonably good breath and very little body odor.
It was at thirteen that I had my first kiss. It was behind a candy store. It was a no-tongue kiss with the most magnificent female creature that ever adorned the sixth grade. Not just the sixth grade in Manhasset, Long Island, not just any sixth grade in New York, any sixth grade…anywhere...ever.
The first kiss at thirteen was with Heather Pintertail.
You may think I made that name up as is my wont to do, but no, Heather Pintertail was the name. She had long blonde hair with just the right amount of curl. She had a perfect face with a perfect nose, perfect ears and beautiful skin. Her eyes were haunting and her figure…Oh my God she had a figure. At thirteen she had a figure that women today spend thousands of dollars to construct.
Heather Pintertail was a vision. She was female perfection, and at thirteen I had my first kiss behind a candy store with Heather Pintertail. It was all downhill from there. When I turned fourteen, not long after that behind the candy store kiss I developed pimples, and Heather Pintertail developed a taste for older men. I peaked at thirteen and with it my success with women also peaked.
A year after Miss Pintertail decided she preferred older less pimply faced boys; I was riding in the car with my older brother. Chris spotted Heather Pintertail walking by the road and almost drove over a curb. He did not recognize her from his high school because of course she was several years away from high school though visually she would have been more than welcome.
“Damn! Did you see that? Who the heck was that?”
“That was Heather Pintertail. For a while, I thought she was my girlfriend, but apparently I’m not good enough for her.”
“Good enough! Boy she is so far outta your league you couldn’t even get a bleacher seat to watch her play. Don’t be too upset though, there won’t ever be many in her league, and her league is nothing but trouble. Did you kiss her?”
“Yeah, behind the candy store.”
“Consider yourself lucky. You’ve kissed the best and it didn’t cost you a thing. Girls that look like that are trouble, with those looks everything comes too easy and ultimately they bleed you dry.”
My brother may not have said that last part but if he did he was right.
After my behind the candy store kiss I have had many unsuccessful relationships. There have been many women who preferred washing their hair over dating me. I have gone through a broken engagement and two failed marriages.
Like I said I’ve never been a ladies man. I peaked at thirteen.
I think my luck turned around at sixty-two with Mrs. Cranky.
At least your life turned around at age 62; imagine if it hadn't and you just were known as peaking at 13.ReplyDelete
Not bad - some never peak, they just keep trying ...ReplyDelete
Thank goodness for Mrs Cranky. Pity you had to wait all those years to find her but, like they say, the best is worth waiting for.ReplyDelete
You peaked at 13? Wow, that's way early and then to just fizzle out until you're 62. Well done, Joe. It's more important to have success now then back then.ReplyDelete
Have a fabulous day. ☺
I'm a member of the "Not a Ladies Man" club. I married my high school sweetheart and haven't ever been with anyone else. I consider myself fortunate that I found ONE person to put up with me, much less three.ReplyDelete
It's true you gotta fight your weight, once in a while one get's lucky. My wife was so far past my experience it would have been like sugar ray lenonard fighting muhammad ali in his prime. But it worked, largely because she was patient.ReplyDelete
Kissing behind a candy store sounds pretty awesome to me!ReplyDelete
Lucky for you that you re-peaked at 62!!ReplyDelete
Good thing you said that.
Awwwwww. Well at least Mrs Cranky can spot a good man when she sees it. and vice versa!ReplyDelete
You've just hit your stride. Wait til you're in your nineties....you'll be irresistable.ReplyDelete
Like you I peaked at 12--a bit earlier than you. Sure was fun while it happened wasn't it? Congrats on your repeaking with Mrs. C.ReplyDelete
I know what you mean. I was smitten by Melodee (real name) in the 8th grade. I thought I might have had a chance since my cousin lived next door to her, but that got me little more that a couple of places higher on her "take a number"list. I finally realized I had a better chance of becoming an astronaut and came to my senses. *sigh*ReplyDelete
Still seeking that elusive peak here ..... maybe some day?ReplyDelete
Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. You just got your losses out of the way early so your life story will end with "happily ever after"!ReplyDelete
If there had been "Say Yes to the Dress" on TV way back then, for you to watch with your lady-friend, you might have enjoyed a longer peak...ReplyDelete
Gotta Love women like Mrs. Cranky and Cindy who take care of men like you and I, with them we will be happy.ReplyDelete
I somehow managed to marry way above my league. But she doesn't seem to have figured that out yet, and I'm not gonna be the one to tell her. . .ReplyDelete
I've had some good dates, mediocre dates, and some that I wish had been rained out. When I got out of the Army, I started dating the girl I'd been dating when I was drafted. We've been married ever since.ReplyDelete
:) I'm happy Mrs. C found you or you her.ReplyDelete
Glad you found Mrs. C!ReplyDelete
Are you still in contact with Heather Pintertail? She probably sounds and looks like Roseanne Barr by now...