This blog is now sugar FREE, fat FREE, gluten FREE, all ORGANIC and all NATURAL!!

Tuesday, May 31, 2016



I recently stumbled across this article buried on page 36 of “Study This” magazine.  I found it very interesting and informative,

April 31, 2016 CP International

A study by the Santa Monica Institute of SE has determined that previous studies claiming woman are paid less than men for similar jobs has been proven false.  Morris Fenwick, Professor of the schools PC studies and a Social engineer expert says extensive surveys and data collected over a five year period has determined that gender discrimination does not exist as relates to pay for similar jobs.

“We have determined that pay discrimination does in fact exist, but it is not gender related.  Our findings show that short people are paid on average .78 for every $1 earned by tall people.

The science is clear, workers who stand 5’ 7” or taller earn more money on average than workers who are shorter than 5’ 7”.”

Interestingly enough the study finds no salary discrimination for people above 5’ 7”.  A six foot person earns about the same for a similar job as a 5’ 8” person.  For those below 5’ 7” the pay inequity does not vary until the height of 4’ 6”.  Apparently people below 4’ 6” are paid even less on average than 5’ 6” people.

Mr. Fenwick suggests that based on his study gender discrimination laws need to be revoked and laws should be aimed at the pay discrimination of short people.

“We could just take all current laws and substitute ‘Short People’ for ‘Women.’ It should really be quite simple.”

Fenwick goes on further to assert, “This study is a perfect illustration of how concentrating on the wrong factors can arrive at incorrect conclusions.  Perhaps other common beliefs need to be reexamined.  Is climate change really the result of carbon dioxide, or do higher temperatures cause retention of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere? Does lead paint effect peoples intelligence, or do only stupid people eat paint?”

Fenwick is currently petitioning the Government for funds to reevaluate these pressing questions along with many others.

As Fenwick says, “A fact is only something that has not yet been disproved.”

Monday, May 30, 2016

The Weber Grill

The Weber Grill

I purchased my first gas grill in 1982.  I purchased the bargain brand for about $120.  I purchased a new grill every other year as the bargain brand never lasted more than two years.

Thirteen years ago I received a new Weber Grill as a service award for thirty-five years of employment in my firm.  It has worked flawlessly ever since.  I have replaced a few parts for maybe $50 but otherwise it is always been a reliable grill.  It has an electric start that has not failed to fire up the burners on the first push even once in thirteen years.

Lately it has not been functioning perfectly, and though it works pretty well I recently purchased a new Weber Grill.  I am keeping the old grill for that one time a year when I am cooking both chicken and meat for a large group.

The ten grills I purchased previous to the Weber took hours and massive amounts of agida to assemble.  The old Weber took about 15 minutes.  The new Weber was not as simple.  Fortunately Mrs. Cranky loves assembly projects and actually follows directions to a tee.  With Mrs. C manning the directions and putting the grill together and me tightening screws, the new grill was assembled in about an hour.

I am looking forward to grilling my first steak on the new Weber which will in all probability be my last grill.

The Cranky Old Man Blog received no compensation for this post.


Enjoy Memorial Day everyone, our freedom comes courtesy of so many brave men and women.

Thank a Veteran if you can!

Saturday, May 28, 2016



It is time again for
Please keep Anthony Weiner off the controls!

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.  


The Fed has a chatterbox problem – So this is why Stephen Hayes suddenly went on a trip.

West Virginia officer arrested after having sex with a woman – I’ve heard some strange things about West Virginia, but I cannot believe it is illegal to have sex with a woman.

Medical experts warn of ‘dormant butt syndrome’ – Especially dangerous when it begins to rumble.
Pennsylvania man poured gasoline on smoking girlfriend – It is unclear if she was smoking, or smoking-hot, if she was smoking then she was both.
Living in a Town of Two – Two residents in Minowi Nebraska, town is facing it’s 27th run-off in the last mayoral election.  

Ironman sets world record after pulling double-decker bus with his hair – I got nothing.
Man attacked by snake that slithered up through his toilet – Go ahead, admit it, don't you look first for just this reason?

As Oberlin College activism flared, students pushed to banish grades below 'C' – Dang, if they did this when I was in school would have no grades at all.
Why Did Woman With The Giant Inflatable Penis Cross The Road? – Her friend Alice was on the other side and she wanted to see Alice.

96-year-old Heimlich uses namesake maneuver on choking woman – Woman was glad 96 year old was not named Naval.

Pakistani men can beat wives 'lightly,' Islamic council says - "A husband should be allowed to lightly beat his wife if she defies his commands and refuses to dress up as per his desires; turns down demand of intercourse without any religious excuse or does not take bath after intercourse or menstrual periods,"

I wonder what they consider “Lightly.”

Holy Cow! Runaway Bovine Drops From Sky, Damages House – After this, the homeowner says they plan…(should I? I’m sorry, I have to do it) to moo-ve.


Come back next week for more


Follow up to Ralph the Tomato…RIP Ralph
Mrs. C claims I didn’t follow directions, she will be trying a do over with Ralph II…stay tuned.

Friday, May 27, 2016



A cranky opinion for


The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with little expertise on the topic opined.  Opposing opinions are welcome, but they are wrong.  As always, please, no name calling, that means you, you big stupid head.

I just saw an article where 60,000 workers making Apple products in China are being replaced with robots.  In the US, McDonalds is warning that a high minimum wage will make it cost effective to replace workers with robots.

With today’s technology virtually any repetitive job can be replaced by robots, and with computers, as the repetitive job changes, robots can be reprogrammed cheaply.

Years ago when ever automation threatened jobs, the new technology itself created new jobs which were generally higher paying.  Computers and communication devises created new industries and employment was not adversely effected.

I am afraid robots will not have the same effect.  Robots will replace low skill, low income jobs in the near term, and more complicated jobs in the future.  Robots are expensive to develop and institute, but they work for free, will work overtime and will work on holidays.  They are always on time, don’t complain, and they demand no healthcare or retirement expenses.  Robots do not go on strike.

It is only a matter of time.  Perhaps the only good thing for our country will be manufacturing may stay in the States.  When labor only costs the price of a robot, there is no reason to manufacture overseas.  Perhaps we will gain supervisory jobs, but we may lose so many more.

Jobs flipping burgers…gone.  Jobs in landscaping…gone.  Clerical work…gone.

Low to minimum wage jobs, entry level jobs will be hard to find.

We will need workers in skilled positions like never before:  engineers, electricians, plumbers, carpenters, mechanics, welders and more.  Our higher education system needs to produce more skilled workers and less History and Ethnic Study majors.  High school needs to teach advanced computer skills math and communication skills.

Robototics will take over many low wage jobs.  More than ever we need to convert low wage workers into higher wage skilled positions.

It is fine to worry about everyone’s bathroom rights, climate change is a legitimate concern, guns are a worry, and wedding cakes for gay people are a problem, but if we have massive unemployment, those issues will seem insignificant.

The most important thing this country needs to focus on is jobs, good jobs, skilled jobs, jobs that will not be taken over by machines.  If we have massive unemployment, we will have massive crime and massive drug problems, we will have riots.  All the problems this country currently faces will only be magnified if we cannot find new jobs and train workers to fill new job requirements.

Without jobs people have no dignity and without dignity the country as we know it will not survive.

We have problems on the periphery, but we must not take our eyes away from the ball.  It is always the economy stupid.

The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

Thursday, May 26, 2016



I know people associate New Jersey with Turnpike exits, oil refineries and a nasal accent, but we are more, much more.  We have diners and we have the shore…Ok, so not MUCH more, also we are known as the Garden State.

I’m not sure why we are the Garden State.  There are people that say “You cannot beat Jersey corn or Jersey tomatoes.”  These people are all from New Jersey.  Truth is our tomatoes and corn is no better than anyone’s tomatoes and corn, but during two weeks of the summer, Jersey tomatoes and corn is fresher than anyone else’s…assuming you live in New Jersey.

Still, we are the Garden State, and I feel compelled to live up to that Garden State tradition.  I love tomatoes, but Mrs. Cranky does not.  I use maybe two or three tomatoes a week to make my tuna or chicken salad.  Tomatoes do not last that long off the vine so I make several trips a week to the store just for tomatoes.  Mrs. C suggested I grow my own this summer.

Great idea!

I have never had any luck growing tomatoes in the past, and tomatoes are probably the easiest vegetable there is to grow.  (I know, it’s a fruit…frig, if conversate is now a word, a tomato is a vegetable!) Mrs. C bought me a “Topsy Turvy,” a system for growing tomatoes upside down.  Easy to water, easy to pick, grow anywhere and away from predators.

We will see.

So far, it cost me $2 for one scrawny plant (I named him Ralph), three fights with Mrs. C over how to place, feed and water the plant into the Topsy Turvy container, and a battle to find a suitable place to hang the plant.

We have no overhang to attach the Topsy Turvy.  I found an old iron plant hanger that sticks in the ground to hang Ralph.  This worked great until I started to fill the Topsy Turvy with dirt.  It holds a lot of dirt and starts to get heavy.  When I added water it got really heavy and with a strong breeze the iron plant hanger started to bend. 

I found another iron plant hanger and angled it into Ralph’s hanger to prop it against the weight and the wind.  I then had to apply duck tape to keep the two from sliding.

Currently all seems to be holding.  Hopefully Ralph will flourish without hitting the ground…I may have to find a way to raise him higher.

Stay tuned.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016


We went out to dinner last night, and several tables from us was a couple on their first date.  I could tell it was their first date from their conversation.  I could hear their conversation because they were loud talkers.  They were loud talkers because they were both about eighty years old and hard of hearing.

This was their first date, they met on-line through a dating service and the old dude's banter was awkward at best.

“So how do you know I’m not a pervert or a sex maniac?”

(Smooth move dude, next you should tell her you have a wood chipper.)

“I did some research on Google. I know where you live and  I didn’t see an arrest record.”

I am far from an expert on dating, but I’m pretty sure this was not getting off to a good start.

The old dude was a real talker.  I’m sure he thought he was doing really well.  The lady had a look on her face like this dinner could not go fast enough.

The conversation went right to the Bible.  This would not be my choice on a first date or any date for that matter.

“Most of the fake stuff, you know like the miracles are just for the ignorant people, to tell them how to live their life.”

“Well I think…”

Interrupting, “I mean stupid people need fairy tales to give them guidance.”

(Dude, Psalms: “Yeah though I blather through the valley of dating death I will fear no bluster.”)

“Well I think…”

Interrupting, “Anyway we probably should talk about something less controversial, what do you think about Hillary, isn’t she a mess?”

“Why, what’s wrong with Hillary?”

(Oh dude…get out now.)

He went on to explain how Hillary’s economic ideas will bankrupt the country.  It’s been a long time since I took economics, but I’m pretty sure this guy was not an economics professor.

Next subject was transvestites, bathrooms and Obama, then how his wife died (Mrs. C suggested she killed herself) to a question about kids.  Before she could answer he started in about all his children and grandchildren.

Mercifully the check finally came and they left.  I’m guessing this was also their last date.  I felt sorry for both of them.  He seemed like an ass-hat, but he is probably a nice man who hasn’t had a date in forty years and just didn’t know what to say.  Dating is hard especially when you’ve been married for like...forever. 

I’m thinking this was a difficult first step for both.  Both are probably lonely.  Dating sucks at any age.

Mrs. Cranky and I hardly said anything at dinner.  We were mostly eavesdropping, but we often don’t say much at dinner.  We don’t have to, were not dating.  I’m glad were not dating. 

I’m glad I have Mrs. Cranky.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016


Mrs. Cranky just showed me a flyer and asked if I would be interested.  The flyer was from a restaurant we frequent that was holding an art clinic.  For $22 they provide the materials and I assume some instruction for you to create whatever you please on canvas.

“Sounds like a nice idea, but I’m not interested in the art, I can’t draw a straight line with a ruler.”

“I thought we could take two cars, have a nice dinner and then I would stay for the art.  It is a Tuesday, so it’s “Deadliest Catch” night on TV.”

“Sure, sounds like a good idea, who knows, maybe you have some artistic talent, after all Casey (step-crank) is very talented, maybe she got some of that from you.”

“I can paint, I used to paint all the time, I gave all my art supplies to Casey.”

“What! You have artistic talent? We’ve been together for 8 years and I am just now finding out you have talent as an artist?”

“You never asked.”

“Why did you give it up?  I wish I had a talent for anything.”

“All the paints and spirits made me dizzy.  I would get high, not in a good way so I stopped.”

“What?  Just open a friggin window, or paint outdoors.”

“Well I could do that I guess.”

“Holy Hannah, 8 years…what other surprises are you hiding?”

“Oh, I have surprises.”

“Here’s an idea, maybe you could try that artistic talent on your grocery list so I could read it, or is your specialty ‘Modern Art’?”

“You’re a jerk!”

Mrs. Cranky's first attempt in 40 years.

Monday, May 23, 2016

I Screwed Up Again

I Screwed Up Again

Mrs. C got home from work early tonight.  She came in the door and then hollered up the stairs.


Full name…not good.

Immediately my mind started whirling, what did I do?

Inside the balloon over my head

Hmm…I did have a cigar and a glass of wine before dinner, but I smoked outside, sprayed Febreze around the deck and put the wine bottle away.  I know I closed and locked the patio door.  I was in the basement, but am positive I turned off the gas heater and shut out all the lights.  I did a load of laundry and have not yet put it in the dryer…no, that can’t be it.  I unloaded the dishwasher, loaded it with my dinner dish, and cleaned the sink.  I have no idea.

OK, here goes.



Mrs. Cranky had a slice of pizza before work and was going to have the last slice of yesterday’s pie when she came home from work.




You’ll never guess what she called me.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Playing With Statistics

Playing With Statistics
a cranky re-run from May 2012

 I tend to be skeptical about experts and statistical analysis.  It is very easy to play with numbers.  It is also easy to pick and choose those numbers which support whatever agenda experts wish to support.

I knew a person who worked for a consulting firm that dealt with the Defense Department.  He told me that when given an assignment to analyze the first question they asked was “What would you like the outcome to be?”

The other day President Obama was touting the new unemployment figures.  The country added 115,000 new jobs and the unemployment rate fell from 8.2% to 8.1%.  Certainly this was a good thing and worth bragging about.  

Wall Street disagreed. 

The market fell.   Some claimed the unemployment rate dropped because many unemployed have become frustrated and have stopped looking for work.  Furthermore it has been pointed out that at the current downward unemployment trend it will take over four years for the country to reach what is considered “full” employment.

It is all just numbers. 

Is the planet warming?  Experts say yes, at the rate of one degree every100 years.  Am I concerned?  Yes.  Am I skeptical?  Well in the world of statistics, one degree every  100 years as measured….umm I don’t know, by whom….umm I don’t know….there is a lot of wiggle room here.  (Relax greenies, I am still concerned.  Just making a point here.  Freeking PC crap.)

If you are dealing with large numbers and want to emphasize a point you use the actual numbers.  I.E. - The President won the last election by over two million votes sounds like a lot doesn’t it.  If you want to minimize a point you use percentage – The President won the last election by less than one percent (Relax this is just a hypothetical example, I do not know or care what the actual numbers were.  You people are so sensitive!)

Inflation is a good one.  How is it measured?  If we use food and fuel, the rate of inflation is high.  If we use appliances like TV’s DVD’s and PC’s the rate of inflation is negative.  How do you factor quality and technological advances into the inflation equation?  It depends on the result you want.

When I worked for Merrill Lynch many years ago, our department provided many trading statistics.  One such statistic was the daily percentage of shares which were traded on the New York Stock Exchange which were executed by Merrill Lynch customers.  It was generally around 5%. 

One day a Wall Street Journal article reported that Merrill Lynch executed 10% of all shares traded on the NYSE.  This number came from the Merrill Lynch CEO, Stan O’Neil. 

My boss wanted to know why our department reported the percentage as 5% and our CEO reported 10%.  The explanation was simple.  Mr. O’Neil’s people took the total shares for a day executed by Merrill customers, 50 million, and the total shares executed on the NYSE, 500 million and came up with the 10% figure. 

The problem is that the NYSE reports shares which change ownership – I buy 100, you sell 100 equals 100 exchanged. The Merrill customer transactions were total executions – I buy 100, you sell 100, total traded equals 200.

I explained this to my boss.  I told him that we always doubled the exchange figure to report the accurate number as 5%.  My boss told me, “The CEO of Merrill Lynch thinks we execute 10% of all trades on the New York Stock Exchange.  From now on, that is the number we will report.” 

So let it be written, so let it be done!

The 10% number was never challenged.

I am skeptical about statistics!       


I'm sensing a theme  
It is time again for


This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.  


New Jersey Is in a Pickle Over Pork Sandwich – Big hoo-ha whether to call new official State Sandwich “Pork Roll” or “Taylor Ham”…We have lots of difficult issues in Jersey. BTW, I vote “Taylor Ham.”

Doctors perform first U.S. penis transplant – I would go on a donor list myself, but my penis has a long history of being rejected.

Drunk roosters captured in New Zealand – “Crock-a-noodle-oodle-oo”

This week’s obligatory stupid headline out of Florida


NYPD crushes dozens of confiscated motorcycles live on Facebook – Un-cycle instead of recycle?

Burglary suspect turns out to be raccoon hiding under plant – Well the raccoon did have a mask.

Milwaukee frozen custard stand under fire over English-only policy – It’s a Spanish neighborhood, but how many words do you need to learn? Chocolate is Chocolate, Vanilla is Vainilla, Sprinkles is Esprinkles…come on people!

New Islamic Mayor Of London Warns Trump Not To Make Terrorists Angry – You mean they decapitate, burn alive, rape, and destroy everything that is non-Muslim now, and they aren’t angry.

9 out of 10 Native Americans not offended by Redskins name, poll reveals – The offended Native American is a dentist who does not recommend Dentine to his patients that chew gum.

Researchers believe two mega tsunamis wiped out ancient shorelines on Mars – Researchers also believe little green dogs survived by heading to high ground but Martians did not heed this early warning.

Three-way fight between a cat, snake and frog – I didn’t even read this article and I know the punch line has to be, “I was talking to the frog!”

‘HALLA-POO-YAH!’: Florida Mom Sees God In Baby’s Soiled Diaper – Florida again! It’s got to be the water.


Come back next week for more:


Friday, May 20, 2016


A cranky opinion for


The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with limited expertise on the topic opined.  Opposing opinions are welcome but are wrong.  As always, please, no name calling and that means you, you big stupid head!

I am pleased to announce that I am now five years without smoking (does an occasional cigar count?)  I am a bit of an expert on quitting smoking; this is the second time I have quit for longer than five years.  You might ask, “Do you have any advice to people that want to quit smoking?”

No, I do not…well I do but I would rather offer advice to people who want someone to quit smoking.*

First of all, every smoker wants to quit.  Every smoker wishes he had never started.  Every smoker knows smoking is not good for his health.  Every smoker hates the inconvenience they go through because of their addiction.  Every smokers are aware that this addiction is very expensive. (Almost) Every smoker feels awful that his addiction makes others uncomfortable and may even put their health at risk.

So, people who want someone they know to quit smoking, stop telling him that smoking is not good for him, that it is expensive and that the smoke stinks.  He knows this and he wants to quit.  Remember smoking is not just a habit.  Habits are difficult to quit, especially when the habit is shared socially by others.  Smoking is also an addiction.  It is a powerful addiction.  Quitting a habit and an addiction is not easy.  Most smokers try to quit as soon as they put out their last cigarette.

My friend Frog’s mother was a heavy smoker right up until she had a heart attack at age 85.  At the hospital the doctor asked her if she smoked.  She said, “I used to, but I quit.” Frog took the doctor aside and told him, “She quit six hours ago, after she had the heart attack.”

Point is, quitting is hard, when you tell a smoker things he knows, when you remind him that he should quit or that he is killing himself and is an inconvenience to those around him, you only make him feel bad and you only trigger the urge to light up another.

I particularly hated when a six year old at his parents prompting came up to me and said, “Do you know that is bad for you? You should stop!” Ah yes, words of wisdom from a little snot who is still sucking his thumb…always made me fire up a back to back double.

If you want someone to quit, you need to offer support.  Tell him you know smoking is a powerful addiction and if there is anything you can do to help or lend support you are there.  Don’t belittle him or remind him he is stupid; that causes a “fuck you” reflex.  Support gives him the incentive to stick with it.  If he is trying to quit and lights up don’t call him a failure.  Remind him that a slip does not mean he cannot beat the addiction.  

If someone you love is a smoker, do not beat him up about it.  Let him know that you understand and that if he was to quit you would offer support, sympathy, and praise.  Hate the addiction, not the addict.


You can nag him into his grave.

*This advice is aimed at people who want a loved one to quit.  If a nicotine addict inflicts his addiction on you through pure thoughtlessness, you should feel free to give him a piece of you mind.

The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Crabbing Is Not Pretty!

Crabbing Is Not Pretty!

I love watching the reality TV show, “The Deadliest Catch.”  I think this is the only reality TV show that actually is mostly real.  The show follows several crabbing boats out of Alaska in the quest for crustacean gold, King and Opilio Crab.

I suppose part of my interest in this show is that my entire family and I were once crab fishermen.  Not exactly to the extent of the crabbers on the TV show, but I do feel a certain kinship.

My parents retired in the 70’s to a creek off of the Chesapeake Bay on the Eastern Shore of Maryland.  Anyone who lives on the eastern seaboard knows that the “Bay” is famous for its blue claw crab.  Steamed fresh with a generous dose of “Old Bay” seasoning, the blue claw crab is a tasty feast fit for a king.

Crabbing on the creek was similar to crabbing on the Bering Sea, except without that risking your life part. Our boat was a small skiff from which we laid out a string of baits, called a trot line, to catch the blue claws.  A chain on either end of the line kept the baits on the bottom, an empty Clorox bottle (bags on the TV show) floated on either end of the line.

The line was baited about every five feet with a piece of dried eel.  Loading the line with bait and placing it in a large bucket in preparation for running the line was rather sloppy.  Dried eel gets stinky and slippery and disgusting.  This is where I get this posts title.  Preparing a line with a friend who had never crabbed with a trot line before, the newbie complained about the eel mess.  He said solemnly, Crabbing Is Not Pretty.”  

It became a family mantra.

The crab line was slowly released into the creek, and stretched out a bit before letting it “soak” just like on the TV show.  After a good soak the line (100 yards was the legal limit for recreational crabbers) was pulled in.  It was not actually pulled in; it was lifted onto a roller and slowly brought up from the bottom.  As the line went over the roller, crabs (they are not particularly bright creatures) would hold onto the eel and we would net them before they dropped off.  The line then rolled off back to the bottom.  At the end of a run we let it soak again before running the line.

This process went on all day in order to catch enough crab for the entire family (often 16 or more) to enjoy a proper crab feast. 

An average trot line run would yield two or three crab.  A good run might bring in eight or ten.  My SIL, Judy, claims the record of 18 netted on a single run.  When the netting was hot it could get exciting in the skiff with crabs just flung into the boat and missing the bucket.  Crabs in the boat could get angry.  (We did learn interestingly enough, that if you turned a crab on its back and stroked its belly they would fall into a sleep state and be harmless to handle.)

The crabs had to be culled just like on the TV show. The shell had to be a certain size from point to point to be legal, smalls and females were returned to the creek to grow and or create more crabs.
Stolen from YouTube, here are some grizzled Chesapeake crabbers hard at work.   

After a day of hard work crabbing, they were steamed, seasoned and enjoyed with corn on the cob and a beer or two.  The crabs are delicious, but they are sloppy to eat.  Traditionally a paper is spread over the table so after the feast it would just be rolled up with all the shells and guts and lungs (gills) thrown out in one quick clean up.

Like I said, “Crabbing is Not Pretty.”