CRANKY
DRESS EXPERTISE
Followers of this blog probably know that this cranky old man knows a lot about wedding dresses. That’s right; I am in touch with my feminine side. I know about wedding dresses because Mrs. C watches a TV show “Say Yes To the Dress.” Mrs. C allows me to watch golf and football without complaining, so I endure “Say Yes To The Dress.”
I know all about dresses, “ruching,” “crumb catchers,” “Princess Dress,” “Mermaid style,” I know them all. I’m not sure about what a “beaded bodice” is, but I love to say it. Beaded bodice...Beaded bodice.
There are a couple of terms I’ll never understand. They have been explained to me, but I
still don’t get it. “Couture”
and “fashion forward.”
I think these are just
terms designers use to keep you off balance and make you feel inferior. It is like in the “Emperors’ New
Clothes” nobody really knows what these terms mean, but no one wants to admit
it.
Couture has been explained
to me as classy, unique and not cheap. Hmmm…classy is
in the eye of the beholder, and in fashion if unique is popular it will soon be
mass produced and sold at a less expensive price, so couture really just means
“EXPENSIVE.” When someone says, "I want something a little more couture," what they are
really asking for is something that looks more expensive.
What a bunch of gobble-dee-gook!
How do you know something
is “fashion forward” until the next fashion statement arrives?” You can look
back on a dress and say "That was fashion forward," or you can
realize it was a piece of crap that no one would ever want to imitate. You might as
well just say, "I want something that is the future of design...whatever that will be."
Like I said; gobble-dee-gook!
One thing I have learned
from this show; Brides…do not bring your gay friend to help pick out a dress.
The gay friend does not
give a dang about what you want, he is just fulfilling a gay dream at your expense. This is his
chance to exert his gay card and he is determined to go to the wedding and tell
everyone, “I picked out the dress; you should have seen the
hideous thing she wanted before I pointed out how dreadful it was!”
The gay friend will put
the kibosh on anything the bride picks out by planting an image that ruins any
choice the bride might like.
“Oh honey, it looks like some fluff just threw up all
over it.” Or “Attention K-Mart shoppers!” Or “I’m sure all the Grandma’s will love it.”
The gay friend always
wants bling, wow factor and ka-pow, but he wants his bling, his wow factor and
his ka-pow…whatever the heck bling, wow factor and ka-pow is.
Enough of this fashion
banter and my feminine side. While I was writing this I have consumed several cans
of a very masculine brand of beer.
I must excuse myself to go
sit down and pee.
I know what a beaded bodice is :) Imagine the top front half of the dress with little beads sewn on it :)
ReplyDeleteI think sometimes brides spend more time looking for dresses than on how they are going to live together happily after they are married :)
betty
I guess that show has replaced all the bridal magazines for feeding our fantasies.
ReplyDeleteWhat's a crumb catcher? I can;t decide if it's something you would actually want on a dress or not ...
ReplyDeleteI'm quite impressed with your expertise on this matter!
ReplyDeleteFunny and true
ReplyDeleteDo you ever watch "Modern Family"? That show makes me howl. Especially the one where the gay couple is choosing their wedding
from a gay wedding planner.
Bwahahahahahahaha. You need to quit watching this show. You are far too in touch with your feminine side.
ReplyDeleteHave a fabulous day Cranky. ☺
For the life of me I can't figure out why wedding "stuff" costs as much as it does. Some fairly simple looking dresses cost thousands, and a cake, although a fairly large one costs about the same. I think the wedding "stuff" industry knows that brides and their mom's (and their gay friends) are so wrapped up in the event they will pay ANYTHING, and they milk it for all they can. The poor dad, who knows better, has no choice but to pay up and shut up. But hey, it's for their little girl. :)
ReplyDeleteHa ha, I was thinking you know entirely too much about fashion but then I realize you are in it for the people watching--plus no friction about sports shows.
ReplyDeleteI lost it at your going to sit down to pee.
I believe 'couture' refers to clothes that are original in design and hand cut and finished in one of the designer salons in Paris, Rome, New York, London, etc. 'Expensive' -- goes without saying! I was once given an original suit by the designer Givenchy. The quality of the fabric as well as its originality; the hand sewn finishing touches, such as hand sewn zippers and linings, not to mention the perfection of the tailoring. I was a budding seamstress at the time and still remember how awesome the garment was in every detail.
ReplyDeleteYou had me laughing from start to finish. About the only thing you mentioned that I do know is beaded bodice.. and bling. I suspect that the best part of those shows would be the gay friend. Fun post. :)
ReplyDeleteThe smartest men sit down to pee.
ReplyDeleteYou probably suspect I have a serious, serious problem with conspicuous consumption. There is a shop nearby that recycles prom and wedding dresses. Emily has got all her prom dresses there, and returned them. Laura went along last time to see what was in store for here. "I don't look good in red," she said in reporting back, "but that dress looked mighty fine on me."
Cranky, I think I love you!! The dresses are for weddings; not coronations.
ReplyDeleteI feel like this makes me a horrible horrible friend, but..... I have on three occasions lied to three different friends that I was deathly ill in order to get out of going with them while they shopped for wedding dresses and bridesmaids dresses. I've learned my lesson now. If I so much as hear a friend whisper the word "wedding," I will leave the immediate vicinity at roughly the speed of sound.
ReplyDeleteIt's not a show I've ever watched, I don't have much interest in wedding dresses. My own was a simple enough affair that took two days for my mother in law to sew. I stitched my own hems. Tossed it into a Goodwill bin years later, one week after the divorce.
ReplyDeleteHeeheehee! Thanks for the warning, i thought i didn't much want to watch this show, and now i know i don't!
ReplyDeleteTwo years ago when my daughter was looking for a wedding dress, she went to NYC and met up with her gay friend from high school. He picked out a mermaid dress for her, but she didn't bite (haha, get it?) Instead she found a J. Crew dress on eBay which ended up being perfect. During that time I watched Yes to the Dress, and was fascinated by what a crazy world it portrays. All those $$$$$!
ReplyDeleteI bow to your knowledge and expertise. Wedding dresses give me the hives and make me feel like my supply of oxygen is getting cut off. For my first wedding, I wore maternity pants and top. For my second wedding, I picked out a dress because it was great for wearing to the office.
ReplyDeleteNobody looks good in a mermaid dress. Not even a mermaid.
ReplyDeleteI just read this to SWMBO and we both laughed out loud!
ReplyDeleteCouture is a tough one, I only kind of "get it" I know what a mermaid dress is, though! Yay mermaids!
ReplyDeleteYou are so funny! But you are right.
ReplyDeleteLisa
I keep thinking my work overalls and brogans will make the fashion mags but it hasn't happened yet.
ReplyDeleteR