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Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Home Job Descriptions


Home Job Descriptions




One thing becomes clear when you live with just one person, each person has specific jobs that they are accountable for (I don’t care what your eighth grade teacher taught you, “for which you are accountable” just sounds ridiculous!).

I am the only coffee drinker in the house, several cups a day.  We keep the coffee in a normal sized tin, and we have several huge cans of Kirkland coffee in the pantry.  I use coffee-mate in my coffee which we also keep in a normal sized container and have a huge reserve container in the pantry.

I am the only one to use the coffee or the coffee-mate, and yet I never refilled the small containers when they get low.  It is just not my job.  There was no reason for this, we didn’t take a vote, it just is Mrs. C’s job.  I once tried to refill the coffee and was told,

“Stop, that’s my job!” 

There are a lot of such silly home chores like this.  Chores that anyone could do, but only one person does.

I unload the dishwasher.  She loads the dishes.  When I load any dishes, she redoes my loading.  She will not, however load the flatware.  I find hers in the sink.

“You load the dishes, why don't you load the flatware?”

“Because you complain how I load the flatware, it interferes with your unloading. I load the dishes because you don’t know how.  You’re a man, no man knows how to load a dishwasher; I think it’s in the Bible.”

Yeah, she’s right.

At night, it is my job to turn out the front light.  Mrs. C works three nights a week and comes home at 9 or ten.  She could turn out the light when she comes home, but no, it is my job.  At 10:30 I go downstairs to get a refill of water and turn out the light.  If I forget I am scolded.

It is Mrs. C’s job to fill the humidifier in the bed room.  It is my job to turn it on.  It is my job to turn off the light at night.  There are many such silly jobs in our house with specific responsibilities assigned for no particular rhyme or reason.

Mrs. C does the laundry. I clean the bathrooms, and vacuum the floors.

We took a vote on those chores.  It was one to one.  Apparently her one is bigger than my one.  She says that is also in the Bible.

I should have gone to Sunday School.

Monday, March 30, 2020

More Just For Laughs


More Just For Laughs

Fraternity brother Marty is still at it.  He's doing the work, I'm just posting.

Back soon with my own stuff...maybe.


Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'    
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;   
and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was   SHUT UP   .
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old.  I don't feel anything until noon.  Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet:  if it tastes good spit it out.
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May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.

Sunday, March 29, 2020

THE FOUR SEASON'S SMELL

THE FOUR SEASON'S SMELL

Covid-19 is ruining this spring.  This re-run from March 2014 is a reminder of years before the pandemic.


Spring is upon us.  Winter is putting up a battle, but spring is in the air.  I can feel it.  It may still be 32 degrees, but 32 degrees in March or April just feels much warmer than 32 degrees in January.  I can smell it.  Spring has a smell.  All the seasons smell.

Spring smells new, fresh, like a new car or like clothes fresh out of the dryer.  The flowers, the trees and the grass all emit their spring odor.  Spring smells like linseed oil on leather, it smells like baseball.  Spring smells like open windows and fresh air. 

Summer smells before it is officially upon us.  The world starts to smell slow.  Slow has a smell.  Slow smells like bacon or barbque chicken.  Summer smells slow.  The wind smells slow in summer. Summer is for resting up for what is to come.

I know when fall is near.  I don’t need a calendar, I can smell it.  Fall smells like football.  Yes, football is a smell.  It smells like change, it smells like dying…no, not dying…hibernation.  Fall smells like old air, mulching grass, browning leaves and fermenting fruit.  Fall smells like pie. 

Winter creeps up on us like no other season.  There is fall and suddenly the air is crisp and clean…not fresh like spring, but clean, almost antiseptically clean.  Winter cleanses all the smells of the other seasons.  Winter is a necessary time to rid the world of all the excesses of the other three seasons.  Winter cleanses and prepares us for spring.

Open a window.  Breathe deeply.  Can you smell it?  It may still be cold, but there is no chill.

It smells of spring.