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Monday, May 21, 2018

Wedding Critique


Wedding Critique



I woke up early Saturday morning with the TV typically tuned to Mrs. C’s favorite show, “Four Weddings.”  This is a show where four brides attend each other’s wedding and then grade them on various factors, like dress, decorations, the reception and so on, all in the hopes of winning a three-day honeymoon to the Holiday Inn in Trinidad and Tobago.

“This one is over the top, but I’d have to take points of on the dress, it is way ugly! And what the hell is the groom wearing, is this a costume theme wedding?”

“This isn’t “Four Weddings” you goof, it is the Royal Wedding with Harry and Meghan.”

“Oh, kind of early isn’t it?”

“It’s in England, different time zone.”

“Oh.”

This was a real WASP* wedding.  Lots of tradition and ceremony, and very little show of emotion. 

Unlike a Jewish wedding, there was no glass stomping or couple in a chair hoisting.

Unlike a Greek wedding there was no plate throwing or dancing to plink-a-tee-plink music.

Unlike an Irish wedding there was no drinking, sweating and vomiting.

Unlike an African American wedding there was no shouting, stomping and group singing.

Unlike an Italian wedding there was no shooting.

(Did I cover enough stereotypes and offend enough?)

No, this was a good old fashion WASP wedding.  Slow, tedious, long, expensive, boring, and emotionless.

The best part of this wedding was the TV commentators. They gushed over every boring nuance of this very WASP wedding, and any hint of feeling or emotion was worthy of comment.

“Simon, I loved how the Prince and Meghan acted, they were so proper and adorable.”

“Yes Margaret, and at one point they almost seemed human, like when the Prince gave out a half smile.”

“Oh. Yes Simon, and the crowd loved it when Harry scratched his ass, just like a real person!”

“Interesting how the Black minister shouted ‘Can I have an AMEN’ and everyone present mumbled, ‘I say, what was that?’”

“Yes Simon, that was delightful.”

“Oh, and the father, Charles, at one point I swear I saw him blink.”

“Did you see Camilla?  I believe a lip reader picked up on a conversation…

WTF Charlie, you couldn’t marry me because I was divorced; this Meghan was divorced and I’ve heard she is only half white.  When did your mum loosen up?’

“Oh yes, and then Charles answered, “Why um…harrumph.”

“So delightful!”

“Wait, here comes a choreographed kiss…Oh my, a royal peck and the crowd goes wild!”

“Simon, is that the Queen, I think it is the Queen.  It is someone under a giant hat alongside an old man who has never been in the sun.”


Ah yes, it was a glorious wedding, pomp, ceremony, expensive and without emotion…every little WASP girl’s dream, but if this was part of “Four Weddings” I’d give it a 4 out of 10.  It was too long, I couldn’t hear some of the vows and the cello music was too slow to dance to.


*White Anglo-Saxon Protestant or With All Seriousness Please.

Sunday, May 20, 2018

STUPID HEADLINES 052018


STUPID HEADLINES 052018
(What, this is Monday? oops)
It is time again for
Oh... SAX!

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY
This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sometimes sophomoric comments.
________________________________
Arizona woman, 31, stalked date, said she wanted to bathe in his blood in one of 65,000 texts – On the plus side, she does have nice honkers!
Meghan Markle, Prince Harry snub 'most beautiful royal' by not inviting her to royal wedding – Apparently, Corgi’s are not their thing.
Pope blesses Lamborghini that sold for $950,000 – Sure that is a lot of money, but this thing can race at God-speed.
Nebraska police nab teen for trying to swipe cat – WTF!  There are only about 2 billion shelters trying to give them away. *
Scientists train spider to jump on command – The command is “Here comes my boot!”
Missouri firefighter takes care of hummingbird that was discovered unresponsive – Nice story, but what was the most amazing to me was the first reader comment on the story Ahh yes. This is why we pay them so much in salary and pensions.” This was from jsmith89104. 
So, jsmith89104, you are the first winner of the Cranky Biggest Flying Asshole Story Commenter of the Week Award! Congratulations jsmith89104!!

Hawaii volcano emits massive cloud of ash into sky, but golfers seem oblivious – The rule clearly states that molten hot lave is not a natural hazard and player is allowed a free drop two club lengths away from the lava…if however, the ball was disintegrated from the heat there is a two stroke penalty.
Donald Trump Jr. gave daughter a puppy for her birthday – Unless the puppy is a Russian Wolfhound, why is this in the news?
Mother changes son's name after botched tattoo spells it wrong – Welcome to the world baby Maryamm.
Yanny or Laurel? Trump says, 'I hear covfefe' – That’s funny no matter what your politics.
Meghan Markle stuns in Clare Waight Keller for Givenchy at royal wedding – Personally I was hoping for a Pnina Tornai sleeveless Ballroom with crumb-catcher, a beaded-bodice and some Swarovski crystal bling…this dress had no wow factor!
Why yes, I do watch “Say Yes to The Dress.”
*I could have gone the “Cat Burglar” comment route.
FEEL-GOOD STORY of the WEEK
Hero dog rescues his pal from drowning in pool in viral video – A good dog story always makes me feel-good!
____________________________________
Come back again next week for more
STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Enough!


Enough!

A cranky opinion for

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with little knowledge on the topic opined.  Opposing opinions are wrong.  Suggestions outlined may not be sufficient to solve the problem, they are a start.  Get some smart people on the case with better ideas and fix this crap, but enough is enough. It can be stopped.

Getting on an airplane today is a pain in the butt.  You have to clear your luggage and carry-on, you have to go through an x-ray machine, you have to take off your shoes, belt and whatever; it sucks.  It was a much nicer experience years ago. Today we have been inconvenienced, it is costing us more money, and we have lost some privacy to just fly on a plane.

On the flip side, we have not had hijackings, no planes have been intentionally flown into buildings since 09-11-01.

In addition to the inconvenient checking before boarding a plane, the pilots cabin is more secure, and there may or may not be an air marshal on board who is armed and trained to take down bad people.

It is a pain, it is expensive, but that is what it has come to in order to fly safely.

It is time to do the same in our schools, and probably other soft targets.  You can not go to a concert without at least having your bags checked and often go through personal screening, the same with most sporting events and even Disney theme parks.

Time to stop school shootings.  How?  It will be a pain, it will be expensive, it has to be done.

  1. All students and teachers must have identification to enter school grounds.
  2. All bags must be given at least a cursory check and a few if not all randomly x-rayed.  We must do whatever it takes to make sure bad people can not enter school  with a gun.
  3. Every class room should be equipped with some form deterrent such as mace or pepper spray or even a gun.
  4. In addition to trained security present, especially at opening of the day, there should be unidentified trained armed personnel or, much like air marshals program, the expectation that a school may have such personnel.
  5. Students and teachers must go through periodic, random psychological testing.

Additionally, gun regulations throughout the country must be more stringent than today.  A gun or ammo should not be available for legal purchase to anyone who does not have a license that certifies that a person has proven gun proficiency, knows basic gun safety, and has psychological clearance.  The penalty for selling a gun or ammo to anyone without such a license should be severe enough to discourage such activity.

That’s it!  Enough is enough, we should take whatever steps reasonable to finally end this violence.

Please don’t bother telling me about how we need guns to keep our government honest, number one that is stupid, number two, no one is suggesting taking away your guns.  Never mind, “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people!”  That is stupid on steroids!  Guns clearly make people killing people really fucking efficient.  You do not see any mass murders using knives.

Will these types of regulations and security steps stop the insanity? 

Nothing can assure soft targets are always absolutely safe, but we can sure as hell make it a lot more difficult for whack-a-doodles to heap their destruction on innocent children.

Enough!

The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management, though I’m pretty sure Mrs. Cranky agrees.