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Sunday, January 20, 2019

STUPID HEADLINES 012018


STUPID HEADLINES 012018



This weeks stupid headlines and my stupider sometimes sophomoric comments.

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Walmart bans woman who rode cart while drinking wine from Pringles can - Banned from Walmart?  Who knew they had any standards; I guess they draw the line on wine in a Pringles can?

Panties, bras fly from car during nearly 100 mph chase in Indiana It is a well-known fact that most bras and panties can not stay on a car at speeds of 75 mph or higher.

An American president actually had to deny he is a foreign agent – Well someone asked him so I guess he had to deny it.  I suppose if he was asked if he ever sang “Hello Dolly” in drag he would deny that as well.

Americans more likely to die from opioid overdose than in a car accident – Unless you drive a lot, and your odds do change dramatically if YOU DON’T TAKE OPIOIDS!!

Meghan Markle breaks royal protocol with dark pedicure and no tights – “I say, that is outrageous! I also understand that Harry was not wearing a powdered wig!”

Texas drug suspects called cops after somebody stole their weed – Two less geniuses for the Mexican cartel to worry about.

Man caught on camera putting bundle of marijuana in wrong mailbox – Clearly marijuana makes you stupid!

Pennsylvania police department seeking volunteers who can drink to inebriation – Finally, something that I am highly qualified for!

Nebraska college student builds 84 snowmen in one night – His parents must be sooo proud!

Hilton dishwasher awarded $21.5 million for having to work Sundays – Dang, I worked Monday thru Friday for 40 years and didn’t make anything near that much!


The Number 1 Who Gives A Crap story of the week:

Even With Rappers Set To Perform, Super Bowl's Halftime Show Remains Tone-Deaf – Here’s an idea, MARCHING BANDS!!


FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THEWEEK:

Kentucky driver seemingly tries to destroy snowman, surprised when they hit tree stump – I think I love an asshole meeting karma even more than a good dog story.


 











Thursday, January 17, 2019

Why Worry When They Are Home?


Why Worry When They Are Home?

When my son is home I worry.  While he is away, I don’t.  Is it just me?  Why do I worry when he is home?

My youngest son was home for two weeks over his schools Christmas Vacation.  Spencer is a big boy.  He is a Junior in college.  He will be 21 in a month.  We don’t see him often, and we enjoy his visits, but he turns the house upside down.

Mrs. C and I have our routines.  We have schedules.  Spencer is a schedule ruining, routine disturbing machine. 

Missing a hair brush,

“SPENCE!! Have you seen my hair brush?”

Spencer, half asleep, “Ah wah…er…oh yeah, it’s in my jacket.”

No reason to ask why it is in his jacket, I am just happy to get it back.

I need my lighter to start the bar-b-que.

“SPENCE!! DO you have the lighter?”

Spencer, half asleep, “Ah wah…er…oh yeah, it’s in my jacket.”

No reason to ask why it is in his jacket, I am just happy to get it back.

Planning dinner is difficult as Spence does not know when he is visiting his old friends from my former town 20 minutes away.  We eat early then find he is not leaving until 10:30.

He is home at 2:30.

From 10:30 to 2:30 I worry.  Why do I worry?  He is not home 11 months of the year and I never worry any of those times.  Why do I worry when he is home?

He texts me when he gets to his friends, he texts when he is on his way home.  If he should not be driving, he stays at friends and lets me know. 

He is a good driver, why do I worry?

I think it is because we know our children from days when they were very young and very stupid.  It is hard to realize they have become responsible.  Perhaps it is also because I still can remember my days as a college junior and several weeks short of my 21st year. 

Actually, it is definitely because I still can remember my days as a college junior and several weeks short of my 21st year. 

When he is at school in a relatively enclosed, regulated environment with studies to keep him busy I don’t feel responsible for his well-being.  When he is at home, I feel more responsible for keeping him safe.  When he is at home I worry.  It makes very little sense.

Spence left for school last Saturday.

The Cranky house is back to normal.  Our schedules are as we like them.  Our routines are set.  Stuff is where stuff is supposed to be.  All is well again.

I do miss him…but I don’t worry.





Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Directions


Directions

Mrs. C and I are often on the same page.  I can start a sentence, she will finish it.  I can make the most innocuous comment and she will know immediately what I was thinking.

And yet, when it comes to directions we are in different time zones.

Understand, that I am directionally challenged, whereas Mrs. C has some kind of miraculous internal GPS system.  She knows at all times which direction is north and which is south.  I think north is going up hill and south is going downhill.

I suppose it is because of my directional deficiency that when telling me how to get from point A to point B, she over explains directions.

Sometimes this is great.  For instance some people will tell you,

“Go about one mile on rt. 1 and turn left at the third light.”

What is ABOUT one mile? Sometimes it is a half mile, sometimes it seems like five miles.  Then there is that light thing.  If I am at a light and told to turn left at the third light, do I count the light I am at?

Mrs. C will say,

“You go three quarters of a mile on rt. 1 from Forest Ave.  You will want to turn left at Grove, the third light after Forest Ave.  There will be an Exxon station on the north bound side, and a Burger King at the light on your side.”

Super directions.  Mrs. C is great.

Except sometimes she gives too much information.

The other day I had to go to the train station to pick up her sister coming home from Washington DC.

I have been to this station about 100 times.  We were just there the day before when we dropped off the college student to go to Massachusetts.

So I knew the route, but had not actually driven there myself for a long time.  Also, Mrs. C never seems to take the same route to anywhere twice.  She says traffic depends on the time of day, the weather and her mood.

Anyway.

I ask her just to confirm,

“I take the parkway and there is a specific sign for the train station exit, right?”

“Yes, and be sure to turn at the light to get into the station parking lot.”

Great, except the only way you can get into the station is to turn at a traffic light.  It would be impossible to get into the station without turning at a light.  Why would she give me that information?

Now, all the way to the station I am trying to figure out where it is that I should not turn because there is no light and it would screw me up.

When I got to the station there was a light for long term parking that I almost took because I was so intent to make sure I turned at the light.  At the last second I realized the lot I wanted was one more light up.

No problem, all was well, but why did she get me so concerned with that light direction?

When I got home I asked,

“Why did you confuse me with that turn at the light thing?  There is no other way then to turn at the light.  You confused me!”

“I figured that would help, and you were born confused, don’t blame me.”

“But…but.”

“You’re a jerk!”