This blog is now sugar FREE, fat FREE, gluten FREE, all ORGANIC and all NATURAL!!

Tuesday, April 30, 2013



I know, I’m in Aruba, not Jamaica, but the friendliness of the inhabitants of this lovely island reminds me of one of my son’s favorite stories.

I think I may have already stolen this story from him in a previous post, but what is the good of getting old if you can’t repeat yourself?

Years ago while vacationing in Jamaica, my son and his friend were remarking on how friendly all the Jamaicans were.

“Everywhere we go, we are greeted with smiles and a friendly ‘Yeah Mon!’”

I know, it is always the same, ‘Yeah Mon…Yeah Mon’”

“It certainly sounds friendly, what does it really mean?”

“Hell, for all we know it could just be code for ‘Screw you asshole!’”

Unbeknownst to my son and his friend, they were being followed by a Jamaican resort worker.  In response to the assertion that “Yeah Mon” could just mean “Screw you asshole” the Jamaican replied without missing a beat,

“Sometimes Mon…sometimes!”

Monday, April 29, 2013


The Crankys landed in Aruba Friday afternoon.  Yes, I am retired, but sometimes you just have to do nothing at a different venue.

Saturday we slept late and barely made the breakfast cutoff.  We then made some reservations for dinner, and checked out a sunset cruise.  By the time we put on our suits and headed for the beach it was 1:30.

We picked up our chair covers and towels and found two empty chairs right near the water’s edge.  Well not completely empty, one chair had a cover and unused towel that someone had apparently forgotten to return.  Being the good citizen that I am I returned the cover and towel for them.   When I returned to this perfect spot I noticed many other chairs with unused covers and towels on empty chairs.  There was no sign of any occupant other than the unused towels.  I suddenly realized that these seats were reserved.

It was too late to undo my actions, I was committed to these two chairs, even if someone did get up this morning to reserve them with a towel just in case they wanted to go to the beach.  It was, after all, 1:30.  How long can someone reserve the prime chairs on the beach?  What if they never even used these seats?  What a waste.

Mrs. C and I claimed the reserved seats and lay down to absorb some sun.  I dozed off when I was suddenly rudely awakened.  One thousand miles from home and I opened my eyes to an obnoxious New Yorker.  A big New Yorker...with tattoos…tattoos on really big arms.

“Yo pal, youse is on our chairs!”

“How are they your chairs?”

“Dude I got up early this morning to reserve them with my towel!”

“Oh, that was your towel?  I thought someone just forgot it.”

“No! I didn’t forget, these seats are reserved.  Now move it!”

“Ok, ok…my bad…Lets go Mrs. C.”

As we gathered our stuff and started to leave, tattoo man mumbled, “Asshole!”

“Scuse me?”

“I said asshole!”

“Dude, I was leaving, now I think I’ll stay.”

With that, the big arms covered with tattoos pushed me in the chest.

I instinctively punched him hard in the stomach.  He bent over from the blow, and I tomahawked him in the back driving him into the sand face first.


Well actually that scenario played itself over and over in my head for about two hours while I tried to nap, after which I suggested to Mrs. C that we go take a dip in the pool and we left our idyllic spot by the water’s edge.

"Do you really want to go to the pool, or you afraid of being yelled at for stealing a chair?"

"NO! I want to go to the pool!  And I am a little afraid of being yelled at."

No one ever used those chairs the rest of the day.  I checked!  The original “reservist” either never came back to claim his prize, or he saw the Crankys and didn’t want to start a fight.

Regardless, I spent two hours mulling a ridiculous scenario over and over in my head and didn’t get a moments relaxation.

I hate this stupid seat saving tradition at these island resorts.  I pay the same as these other yahoos,  why do they get to save the best seats just because they are early risers.  They just piss me off.

Anyway, we turned in early that first day.  I had to get up early the next morning to reserve two chairs by the water’s edge,  just in case we wanted to use them later on in the day.

Sunday, April 28, 2013



It is time once again for:



This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments
Well, fewer live deer.


I am a comment whore so I am continuing with a new wrinkle to Stupid Headlines:

Guess the phony headline

One headline is completely made up. Anyone who correctly guesses the phony headline will get a mention in next Sunday’s post.*



72,000 Ladybugs Released in Mall – Riot occurs in battle over little tiny pocketbook sale.

Bride Wears Dress Made From 10,000 Bread Tags Only to find it wouldn’t fit because she gained 46 pounds.

EXCLUSIVE: Ellen DeGeneres And Manager Eric Gold Part After She Tried To Cap Him – Isn’t trying to “Cap” someone like…um…ATTEMPTED MURDER!!

Iran condemns the Boston bombing, with a caveat – “Iran condemns the horrific terrorist act in Boston and we pray for all the victims…except of course any Jews.

Ben Affleck plans to live on $1.50 per day for at least one day – OMG, one whole day!

Ben Affleck preps for colonoscopy – “I have to fast for one whole day!” (ok, this one doesn’t count.)

New Jersey teacher fired for allegedly urinating in classroom – “Is that wrong?  No one ever said anything about peeing in the classroom.  I wouldn’t have done it if I knew it was wrong.”  Teacher takes the Constanza defense.

Ex-MF Global CEO Corzine Sued by TrusteeIf they make a movie about our ex-governor, I am available.

         Ex-Governor Corzine                                                                                Cranky and Melissa



Ford recalls first Model T’s produced in 1908 – Apparently a design flaw causes a running board malfunction after 105 years.

The World's Greatest Tree Planter to Plant a Second Whole Forest – Only two forests?  That is the World’s greatest tree grower? Can we have a recount?

New $100 bill to enter circulation in October – Unfortunately I don’t travel in those circles.

Kansas woman greeted by circus tiger in bathroom – Come on lady, read the signs on the doors…BOYS/Girls/Girowls

Aggressive Girls Put Teenage Boy In Embarrassing State – Boy manages to escape from Arkansas. (Oh relax Arkansasians it’s a joke…Lou, you too Carolyn and Melissa!)

Foot-Long Elephant Bird Egg Sells for More Than $100,000 at Auction – Now the buyer is looking for a twenty pound slab of Elephant bacon.

Samurai sword-wielding Mormon bishop comes to aid of woman being attacked – Sometimes those samurai sword-wielding Mormon bishops are good to have around.

Don't Relax TV Indecency Standards, Viewers Urge the FCC Cause if we see a little titty that shit will fuck us up.


*Last week’s winners who correctly identified the phony headline:

Ants have Aunts…scientists confirm – So do monkeys have uncles?

Non-blogger winners:

Mrs. Cranky

Step-Crank Cassie

The rest of you guessers should be ashamed of yourselves!

Ants have Aunts…DUH!

Saturday, April 27, 2013



A post for Cranky Opinion Saturday


Comments expressing an opposing opinion are welcome, but please…no name calling…that includes you, you big stupid head!


White House tours have been cancelled, airports are experiencing delays, and veterans are having benefits delayed.  All these events and more are blamed on forced Government spending cuts.  The tax payers are feeling the pain, and the need to maintain former Government spending levels is being demonstrated. 

It is somewhat surprising to me that Government cannot cut spending without reducing services. 

“Why does that surprise you Cranky?  Obviously you cannot have the same level of service after you are forced to reduce spending and staffing levels!”

When I worked for a large brokerage firm many years ago, we were told by upper management every other year from 1987 to 2008 to cut spending, usually by ten percent or more.  Our department did this every time and never suffered a loss of productivity.  How?  Why?

There is a certain mentality in middle management of a large corporation which I assume is much the same in Government.  A middle manager’s value is often judged by the number of people reporting to him.  A middle manager is loath to reduce his staff; it makes his position seem less important. 

If you ask a manager if he can reduce his staff by ten percent, he will explain seventy-eight reasons why the department could not function with any less staff and in fact they should be increasing staff. 

When you tell a manager to cut staff by ten percent and that he is expected to still get the job done, staff will be reduced and the job will still be done.

A manager of a large corporation will not reduce staff unless he is forced to cut staff.  An owner of a small business will reduce expenses whenever he sees the opportunity because the savings go directly towards his profit.  A manager of a large corporation does not have that same incentive.

A manager of a large corporation sees opportunities to save money, and he tables it for when he is told he has to make cuts.  If someone retires and his position does not need to be replaced due to technology- improving productivity that position will still be replaced.  When times are good, you do not reduce costs.  When profits go down you need to be prepared for mandated expense reduction.   Our company ordered forced expense reductions 8-10 times over a 20 year period, we complied every time and we still got the job done.

Government should have had similar technology enhanced productivity improvements and yet has seen zero forced expense reductions in the last 20 years.  Why has sequestration caused reductions in getting the job done (service)?”

Government has no incentive to reduce expenses (this is government related; it has nothing to do with the party in power.)  Reducing expenses simply makes everyone seem less important and valuable.  When forced by sequestration to reduce staff and expenses, upper management has the incentive to demonstrate that cuts were untenable and will result in reduced services (either that or admit they were not doing their job.)   The more painful those reduced services the better.

If a manager of a large corporation is not able to produce even with reduced staff or resources, he will be replaced.

Taxpayers will feel the pain of sequestration.  If we do not, government managers will be chastised.  The incentive in government is to prove cuts are not possible, not that “we can find a way.”

In government, difficult goals are impossible without increased resources.  The business of government never goes out of business.

In the private sector, where there is competition, the way to accomplish the impossible is simply to mandate it.  Somehow the impossible gets done.


The preceding has been the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

Friday, April 26, 2013



Oh what a fun day Mrs. C and I had today.   We visited my lawyer and made some changes to our Wills.  There is nothing like starting out your day contemplating your death. 

Mrs. C’s main complication was her house, which I currently occupy with her.  Her wish is if that if she checks out before I do, the house would go to her children, but I could stay there as long as I wished.

My issue was if I check out first, my wish is for Mrs. C to get the money from my retirement account where she would use the interest for her expenses and leave the principle to my children when she departs.  It turns out there are problems with a will guaranteeing either of our requests.

It is difficult to give the house to Mrs. C’s children and guarantee they would not kick me out and sell it.  There is no way to guarantee that Mrs. C would use only the interest of an account or that she would not change a Will and leave that account to her children.

The solution is something my lawyer claims is a first.  Both Wills contain a clause which has never been tested in Estate Law.  We developed a “Karma Clause.”

This clause makes it clear to all parties what were the wishes of the deceased.  The clause states that if anyone acts against those expressed wishes they will suffer bad Karma!

Is this clause enforceable? 

Do you really want to find out?    

Thursday, April 25, 2013



Last fall we redid our kitchen.  It looked so nice we had to toss a perfectly good toaster/oven in favor of a new stainless steel appliance that looks pretty but works like crap.

One feature of this toaster/oven is you have to first set a dial to bake, or toast, then set a timer.  In order to toast an English muffin you need to set the timer to dark, and after about ten minutes of an annoying tick, tick, tick it finally goes BING and the muffins are done.

It has taken me a while to learn that before you start the coffee, cook the bacon and fry an egg, you have to put in the muffins first. 

Today, for the third time in two weeks, I put in the muffins and dialed in “Dark,” fixed the coffee, cooked the bacon, and fried an egg.  When the egg was done, I heard the BING, and was ready to enjoy my breakfast.


The toaster oven was set to bake, not toast.  My muffins were warm, but not toasted.  It took ten more minutes to make them toast and by then my eggs and bacon were cold and the coffee too strong.

I shouted agitatedly upstairs,



“You did it again!”

“Did what again?”

“You left the toaster/oven on ‘bake’.”


“So I baked my muffins instead of toasting them!”

“You should have just changed the dial to ‘toast’.”

“No!  You need to change the dial back to ‘toast’ after you're finished baking!”

“Yeah…well now you know how I feel when you leave the toilet seat up!”

Mrs. Cranky logic strikes again.


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

PICKED A GOOD ONE…ballgame that is

PICKED A GOOD ONE…ballgame that is
Baseball is a great game, and there is nothing like watching a game at the ballpark.  Before my time, kids went to major league games all the time.  Bleacher seats were affordable and a hot dog and a soda could be purchased with blue collar wages.  Sadly that is no longer true.

I only went to Yankee Stadium once when I was a kid.  It was a double header against the Orioles and the Yankees won both games.  My hero, Mickey Mantle, hit a home run in the second game, and I went home six inches off the ground.

I took my two boys ( before Spencer) to the ballpark only one time.  We went to a game on July 15, 1990.  I think I got free tickets through work so I only had to pay for parking, hot dogs and sodas.  It was still probably more than I could comfortably afford.  So Mike, Matt, myself and I believe their two friends, probably Kyle and Ray drove to the big park.  It was the Yankees against the Kansas City Royals.

I don’t remember who won the game, what I do remember and I am sure the boys all remember, was watching two of the greatest athletes of our time play against each other.  Two of the only athletes to be legitimate stars in two different great American sports played against each other.

Bo Jackson, the Heisman award winner as the best college football player of 1985, was in centerfield for the Royals.  Bo was freakishly good at all sports.  He was one of the fastest runners in the world and his strength was legendary.  He played professional football for the Oakland Raiders and Baseball for the Royals.

Dion "Neon Dion" Sanders played centerfield for the Yankees.  Dion was to become an all pro defensive back for several professional football teams, become a Hall-of-famer and he may well have been the best defensive back in football of all time.

It was exciting to see these great two-sport athletes, probably the last players who will ever start for professional teams in two different sports, play in the same game at the same position. 

They put on a show!

Bo Jackson started the show.  In his first at bat he hit a tremendous homerun into the bleachers deep in left field.  The second time at bat, Bo launched a huge shot into the right field upper deck for his second homerun.  In his third at bat, Bo hit a ball into centerfield which it seemed would never come down; three at bats, three homeruns.  Even the hometown fans were waiting for his fourth at bat, to see if the great Bo Jackson could hit four homeruns in one game.

Bo never came to bat a fourth time in that game.  In the eighth inning, Neon Dion Sanders lined a shot to center field.  Bo ran in and dove for the ball, but it was hit too hard and too low.  The drive got by Bo and went to the wall.  Dion rounded the bases with speed that perhaps only Bo Jackson could match and scored on a rare inside-the-park homerun.

Bo was hurt trying to make the catch.  He was out of baseball for six weeks.  When he returned, in his first at bat since the injury, Bo hit a homerun.  He hit four homeruns in four at bats with the fourth coming six weeks after the third.

I wish I could have taken my boys to more big league games, but at least I knew how to pick them.  One of the greatest athletes the world has ever seen hit three consecutive homeruns, one to each field, and a football Hall-of-famer hit a rare inside-the-park homerun in the same game.

Many years before this game, my father went to Yankee Stadium for the only time in his life.  It was a World Series game.  The Yankees won.  Mickey Mantle hit a homerun.  Don Larson pitched the only no-hitter in World Series history.

Two years ago, Spencer was invited by a friend for his first game at the new Yankee Stadium.  Derrick Jeter hit a homerun, the three thousandth hit in his career.

We don’t go to very many games, but we sure know how to pick them.


Tuesday, April 23, 2013

The Three Quarter Flip

The Three Quarter Flip

My Aunt Phil lived in a suburb of Philadelphia.  It was farmland then, it is mostly McMansions now.  Her house was on several acres and she had an in-ground swimming pool.  I spent a week with Aunt Phil one summer.  I think I was about twelve.  I don’t remember the reason I spent this week on “The Farm” (to me it was a farm, there may have been a vegetable patch) probably my parents were on vacation and needed to pawn me off.

It would have been a boring week except for my cousin Ronnie.  Ronnie was two years older than I was.  I spent the week following him around like a puppy dog. 

Most of the time was spent in the pool.  Ronnie was able to do a full flip off the low diving board, one full turn and land straight in on his feet.  It was my goal to learn to also do a flip off the low board.

I must have attempted 500 flips off that board.  Everyone was completed to three quarter perfection.  A three quarter flip would have me land, legs and feet stretched out, perfectly on my back.  Instead of a silent swish in the water, I landed with a giant slap.  Every attempt was the same, and every attempt was painful, but I was intent on learning to do a perfect flip.  With Ronnie’s guidance and instruction on the last day of my visit I was eventually able to realize that I was never going to complete a full flip.  It took one week for me to learn that if you try really hard and practice for a really long time, there was still some stuff that you will never be able to do.

I never tried to do a flip off a board again.

Fast forward and I had three children all participating on a swim team at a local swim club.  Both my oldest son Mike and the youngest Matt were able to do one and a half flips off the low board.  One and a half turns and they would land a head first swish.   Every time I witnessed their diving I was taken back to my failed and painful attempts.

My daughter, Mary Beth, was on the diving team.  I don’t recall if she could do a double flip, I’m pretty sure she could do a one and a half.  I do remember she was a pretty good diver.  She was not the best on the team as she started diving much later than several other girls, but she was graceful and she was good.

Mary Beth worked hard at diving and she was improving.  Then one day while I was at work I got a call.  Mary Beth slipped off a slightly wet board while practicing.  She came down hard on her leg, the tibia (I think) snapped.  I will not get graphic here, but it was described to me as let’s just say very friggin gruesome.  She was eight weeks or more in a cast, the first week in a wheelchair, and she walked with a slight limp for over a year.

I don’t think Mary Beth ever dove again.

I never told any of my children of my week of three quarter flips.  My sons could do a flip; my daughter could do a flip if the board was not wet.  I don’t think that Spencer, my fifteen year old, has ever tried.

He’s pretty good at most sports. 

I’m going to recommend he stay off the diving board.      

Monday, April 22, 2013

I WEPT TODAY - Cranky re-run Monday


The passing last week of Luigi, my favorite local barber,  a man I really did not know, and the anniversary of "Uncle" Sammy's passing prompted this re-run.  It is dedicated to all the quietly productive people who passed away this last year.  People whose life made the world a better place.  They were cumulatively a greater asset than all the politicians, entertainers, athletes, and leaders of industry that have been honored on the front pages of our papers and on the eleven o’clock TV news.
I wept today for a man I did not know. Mrs. Cranky’s Uncle died this week. He was 79. The funeral was today. I did not know Uncle Sammy. I met him one time two years ago for about two hours. You do not get to know a man in two hours.

Uncle Sammy was really not Mrs. C’s uncle. He was her mom’s cousin which made him her first cousin once removed, or her second was one of those. Apparently he was like an uncle and until he moved to Pennsylvania she and her clan saw Uncle Sammy often. I did not know the man.

Uncle Sammy led a quiet life. He worked at the family bakery, he served in the Army as a clerk, and he worked at a bank. He loved to dance and married his dance partner the lovely Claudette. He had a daughter and two grandchildren. I did not know the man.

Uncle Sammy was small in stature, but he apparently had a huge heart. Whenever Mrs. C or her relatives spoke of Uncle Sammy it was with a tone of respect, fondness and love. I never heard a bad word about the man. I did not know the man.

The funeral was packed with people whose lives were touched by Uncle Sammy. There was much reminiscing. There was laughter. There were many tears. His daughter Giselle read an emotional tribute to her father which somehow covered his life and the people in his life all in about ten minutes. I did not know the man. I wept today.

Uncle Sammy led a quiet and unremarkable life. I did not know the man.

He must have been a very special person.

Why else would I weep for a man I did not know?

Sunday, April 21, 2013



It is time once again for:


This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments
I hate when that happens!*
OK, I am a comment whore so I am adding a new wrinkle to Stupid Headlines:

Guess the phony headline

One headline is completely made up.  Anyone who correctly guesses the phony headline will get a mention in next Sunday’s post.

My Pet is Sneezing and Snorting. What's Going On? – First, check your stash of coke.

No Children for Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi – After several months of trying, the lesbian couple decided to give up, “I don’t know” Ellen said, “something’s missing!”

Ants have Aunts…scientists confirm – So do monkeys have uncles?

Boat filled with protected species hits coral reef – If that’s not bad enough some of the sailors were smoking!

Michigan judge holds self in contempt, pays $25 fine after his smartphone disrupts hearing – Judge threw out his own sentence on appeal.

Can Evolution Beat Climate Change?Vegas has it 2 to 1 in favor of Climate Change.

 Paris Jackson Calls Michael an 'Incredible Father' – Yes, and John Wayne Gacy was an incredible clown!

Elephant dung beer sells out almost immediately – Well, the elephants eat only the finest hops and barley  so…
Gold Crushed in Historic RoutTax Hikes beats Gold, is set to play the winner of Evolution vs. Climate Change.

Dead whale draws crowds to Puget Sound beachApparently there is not much entertainment on the Puget Sound beach.

The gourmet-cupcake market is crashing – I would have been rich, except my idiot broker sold “cupcake shortening” when I told him to sell “cupcakes short!”**

McDonald's Pushing Employees To Be Cheerier Cheerier than what?

Customer pulls out gun after Walmart employee refuses coupon – Why would you need a coupon if you have a gun?
* Courtesy of Uncle Skip 
Readers are encouraged to submit Stupid Headlines...Thx Uncle Skip

**Cranky Old Man apologizes for all bad puns…it’s the Tourette’s  

Saturday, April 20, 2013



A Cranky Opinion Saturday Post

Opposing views are welcome, but no name calling please, and that means YOU, you big stupid head!

The Cranky Old Man is a lifelong conservative.  I believe that the government that governs least governs best.  Government should perform only those services that private industry cannot.  Government should provide protection for its citizens both externally and internally, maintain roads, and deliver the mail.  That’s about it.  Otherwise stay out of our lives.

Yes I am in favor of some form of gun regulation; that falls under protection of the citizens.  Trust me I am a conservative.  I do not think I have ever voted for a Democrat except maybe in an occasional local election.   So how do I stand on Gay Marriage?

When possible, government should stay out of our lives. 

Do I feel I need protection from Gay people?  No, I’m good, and if they are a threat, why would their being married change anything?

Would allowing Gays to marry ruin our roads?  I don’t think so. 

What about Gay marriage and mail delivery?  It couldn’t hurt.

If Gays could marry, how would it effect my life…? I don’t see how it would. Government should step away; Gay marriage should be legal and recognized.

I understand, “The Bible says Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”  That is very clever.  If you believe that, then you should worship at a church that does not recognize Gay Marriage.  It is your religious right to believe Gays should not marry.  It is not your right to force this religious point of view on others.

Some religions will not recognize second marriages.  Divorced people cannot marry in their church.  Government recognizes divorce and second marriages.  What is the difference? 

It is a simple matter of separation of Church and State in the exact way the founders meant it to be.  Government should not judge religion; religion should not force rules on government.

If you do not recognize Gay marriage (call it legal state recognized union of two individuals if it makes you happy, it is still marriage) you might as well pass a law making homosexual behavior illegal.  You can, it has been done, it does not change people’s behavior.  I am left handed.  Some religious teaching used to say that was a sign of the devil.  They tied children’s left hands and forced them to use their right hand.   This resulted in people with screwed up minds and horrible hand writing.

Let Gay people marry.  Let them have all the rights of heterosexuals.  Let them go through painful expensive divorces.  Let them live the way God apparently intended.  God made Gay people.  God doesn’t make mistakes; we just do not always understand his creations.

It’s funny that often the same people who want Government to get out of our lives when it comes to owning guns, want Government to regulate Gay people’s relationships.

As Adam says, “You can take Steve from me when you pry him from my cold dead fingers.”

I don’t understand homosexuality.  I also don’t understand calculus, but I know it exists, and neither threaten me.

The preceding has been the opinion of a Cranky Old Man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky