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Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Signs, Signs Everywhere Signs

Signs, Signs Everywhere Signs

We live in a small community of town houses, maybe 170 units.  There is one main road running thru the complex and several offshoots.  We live on one of the offshoots. 

The streets, unlike many town home communities I have seen, are very wide, which is nice for visitor parking as the driveways are all only one car wide and quite short.  There are some special spaces set aside for parking, but they are often taken by three-car family owners.

I like this little community.  I know almost no one, and I actually kind of like that.  It is quiet, the children mostly well behaved, and everyone seems to be responsibly citizens. 

Lately, some power-hungry community politician has seen fit to throw community rules in everyone’s face and plaster the streets with signs.

First, two years ago, they put in five speed bumps to protect the children who never play in the street.  Those speed bumps must have cost a pretty penny, and in addition to protecting the children who never play in the street from drivers who in the past never needed speed bumping, they are a pain in the ass forcing you to slow down to 5 mph five times just to enter or leave the community.

Once the speed bumps were in place we needed 10 giant signs telling people to watch out for the speed bumps.

Next, apparently someone did not clean up after their dog.  We now have about 20 signs telling people to clean up after their dogs.  I’m pretty sure in this day and age, everyone knows to clean up after their dog, and if they choose to give others the middle finger and leave Fido’s poop on the grass, a sign telling them not to do that will not correct their nasty ways.

Parking has never been a problem in the community.  Because of the wide streets there is plenty of parking.  Sometimes I park on the street so I don’t have to make Mrs. C move her car, as driveways are only one car wide.  Many people park in the street for this reason and it has never…let me say that again, NEVER been a problem for anyone.

Recently no parking signs have popped up along all the streets.  There is a sign on both sides about every 20 yards.  I wonder how much it cost to buy and install around 50 signs to tell people not to park on the street where it has never been a problem to park on the street and where the township does not have authority and does not patrol parking and everyone…let me say that again, EVERYONE just ignores the signs and parks as they have always parked because there is NOT ONE REASON not to park as we have always parked.

I guess all these signs don’t hurt anything, except they are kind of ugly, they are not free, and they serve no purpose what-so-ever, except to annoy me.

Because of these friggin signs, posted because of some anal-retentive board member, I now dangerously fly over the speed bumps, I park on the street even when I don’t want to, and I plan to buy a very big dog and let him shit everywhere when no one is watching.

Tuesday, February 27, 2018


One more Publisher’s Clearing House giveaway has gone without us.  Mrs. C buys crap from PCH.  She religiously fills out around 73 forms that they send to assure that “you are still eligible” for their latest prize.
Friday, I had to stay alert for the doorbell which would bring us the PCH prize which seems to occur several times a year of $5000 a week for life.
No one came.  We lost again.  Sigh…would have been a nice prize.
$5000 a week for life, they don’t put you in the paper so you are not flooded with “friends” and others looking for a piece of the pie. 
$5000 a week for life, not enough to make you move to a gated community of super wealthy people you probably would not get along with. 
$5000 a week for life, enough to pay your debts, buy a new car, help out a few loved ones, and live a very comfortable life, not enough to buy a yacht, multiple homes, diamonds and stuff you don’t really need, stuff you think you would want, but stuff that generally messes up your life.
Probably a good thing we did not win, because this prize carried a little twist.  Not only do you win $5000 a week for life, but you can assign the $5000 a week for one more person's life after you check out.
Now that is a dilemma.  It is a twist sure to end in misery.
I assumed Mrs. C would assign me.
“No, your too old, that would be a waste.  I have to give it to someone who will have a lot more weeks to go.”
“Give it to one of your children then.”
“Whoever did not get it would feel awful, like ‘why didn’t mom give me the money?’”
“You could give to one, but tell him or her to share the money with the other.”
Yeah, like that wouldn’t lead to fighting, not to mention figuring out what is fair dispersal with taxes and stuff.  I think it would end up making the children miserable.”
“Leave it to charity.”
“I think it has to be a person.”
“Set up a trust.”
“I think it has to be a person.”
“That is a problem.”
“It’s a problem I could live with.”
“Maybe, but it is a serious problem that would live after you.”
“Yeah, maybe it is a good thing we didn’t win.”
“I agree.”

Monday, February 26, 2018

Woman Talk

Wopomopen Topopalk

a cranky re-run from February 2015

Women’s ability to communicate better than men’s is well known.  Not necessarily with everyone, but certainly women to women.  Their communication is often complicated and undecipherable by men.  Women can speak volumes with a raised eyebrow, a voice tone change, shoulder shrugs and body posture.  Men often miss non-verbal communication. 

Men just use words.

I remember in school the girls could all read lips.  The boys would get in trouble talking in class while the girls would carry on conversations across the classroom without making a sound.  Perhaps this is why women love soap operas where the characters all whisper; women don’t need to hear dialog, they can see it.

Sometimes women even invent their own language.  They did this when I was in junior high school and they would talk circles around the boys. The girls would be giggling and making faces while we, the boys, had no idea what they were chattering about.

I’m pretty sure it was women who invented “Pig Latin.”  Pig Latin was not too hard to figure out and the boys soon caught on. 

Then the girls invented “OP.”

Even with knowing how OP worked, the girls spoke it so fast; the boys had no idea what they were saying.

In “OP,” you put an “op” before every vowel.  My name, Joe, became Jopo-ope.  I did learn my own name pretty quickly.  If they were talking about Jopo-ope Hopagopy I earned to tune in, but the rest of any conversation was "OP" to me.  If the girls even thought you might be catching on they switched to "EK" which was pretty much the same as "OP" only with EK.  

Sometimes they would mix the two and that was ridiculous.  I could not even recognize Jeko-ope Hopageky.

Mrs. C would say "Yop-o-eku opareke opa jekerk!"

There is a movie out about an indecipherable code the Nazis used in World War II.  The code of nonsense letters was turned into words with   a machine, the “Enigma” machine.  I plan to go to this movie with Mrs. Cranky.  I wonder if she will be able to figure out what the Nazis were saying before the geniuses in the movie crack the code.

OpI Wopo-opuld nopot bopet opagopaopinst opit.
                              (I would not bet against it.)

Sunday, February 25, 2018


it is time again for
This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.
Georgia man force-fed goat cocaine, whiskey – Candy is dandy, but liquor (and cocaine) is quicker.
Russian curler suspected of doping – He had to take something to keep awake!
McDonald's guest left 'devastated' over missing snack ingredient – No cheese in her mozzarella sticks…I would be annoyed, maybe even angry, but DEVASTATED!! This is epic!  It is terrifying how people are watering down super awesome words, it is literally making me freak out!
NASA is contemplating sending a submarine into space – Wouldn’t that just make it a “Spaceship” with a periscope?
Kirstie Alley gets slammed by US Olympic curling team after calling sport 'boring' – Well, curling may not be as exciting as the summer Olympic sport “Watching Grass Grow” but it is certainly not boring.
Woman caught drying underwear with plane's overhead vent – It might not have been so bad if she had taken them off first.
Amsterdam cracking down on tourists in Red Light District who stare at hookers – Smoke pot…no problem.  Prostitution…no problem.  Stare at a hooker…problem.  Where do they draw the line from a peak to a look to a stare?
Massive dust storm turns entire town orange – Has the President been in a dust storm?
Woman caught on camera allegedly stealing from restaurant tip jar – Apparently the woman thought it was a “leave a dollar take a dollar” jar.
Kentucky Fried Chicken ran out of ... chicken – The colonel’s recipe is a secret, but I’m pretty sure one of the main ingredients is CHICKEN!
Woman defecates in pants to hide drugs during arrest – Well, that is disgusting, but the cops have a sense of humor, they charged her with “Tampering with evidence.”
Korean War veteran saves woman from knife-wielding thugs – 88 year old British special forces trained veteran took on 5 young punks with knives and made them run away scared…if that does not make you feel good, nothing will!
Come back next week for more

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Just a Little Research…It’s not that hard

Just a Little Research…It’s not that hard*
Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and a bunch of other places I don’t venture, all are great ways to spread news and ideas.  The problem is, they are not monitored that carefully so the information is not always correct.

Apparently one of the ways the Russians turned the election to Trump was they spent a few million dollars on Facebook and Twitter saying nasty things about Hillary.  I wonder how many votes you can swing spending a few million dollars on social media?  Twelve? Maybe twenty-seven?
The problem with these social media places is there is in fact lots of fake news. 
I see about two or three a day. 
As a public service, I will tell all you idiots that are too stupid to think for yourselves (obviously no readers of this blog) how to tell fake news on social media.
If it seems outrageous, it is probably fake.  If it does not appear on any cable or mainstream media, it is probably fake.  If it makes you angry, it is probably fake.  What to do if you see a story that seems outrageous, does not appear on any cable or mainstream media, and makes you angry?
Google it.
Just go to Google and do a little due diligence. 
I can’t tell you how many times I see a story and go:
“Oh crap, Trump is going to be impeached,” or
Oh crap, Hillary is going to go to jail,” or  

"Damn, eating eggs will make your hair fall out."

Then I google the story and sure enough it is pure crap…Fake news!
And yet the post on Facebook has about 27 comments calling for impeachment, or jail or egg banning!
People...stories on Facebook and Twitter are not verified.  Clowns make stuff up just to rile people up.  Half the time it is a goof without expectations of belief and yet we are conditioned to believe anything that is in print. 
The way to combat fake news, the way to neutralize Russian interference, is do a little research.  You see this stuff on your computer, take about 15 seconds and do your own research. 
It is called Google.
WOW!  That is hard to believe!
Google it.
Oh, I see, it is hard to believe, because it is crap.
Come on people, do a little research, it is not that hard. 

*Oh crap, I mentioned Trump and Hillary, and made an in jest semi political comment, sorry...this post is not intended to be political in nature, comments that interject a political opinion will be deleted. 

Friday, February 23, 2018


Well that title just cost me over half of my readers*.  What the heck, I’ve got nothing today anyhow, so yeah, BASEBALL.

I have been a New York Yankee fan ever since my brother convinced me that the Dodgers, mom’s team, would never beat the Yankees.  I wanted to root for a winner, plus there was “The Mick,” Mickey Mantle.
In those good old days young snots like myself were allowed to have idols.  Today, the Mick would have been exposed as an alcoholic womanizer.  Back in the day, he was protected by the beat reporters who were all also alcoholic womanizers, so we were allowed our hero’s.
So, I was a Yankee fan and a Mickey fan through all the injuries and championships and especially that magical year when he battled Rodger Maris in the race to beat Ruth’s 60 HR record.  Mantle was supposed to beat that record, but I eventually forgave Rodger for taking the title in 1961.
When Mickey passed away I cried.  Not so much for Mickey, but for lost childhood. 
Mickey was soon replaced by a young shortstop, Derek Jeter, as my favorite Yankee.  Derek brought some great years and championships home.
When he retired I kind of lost interest in Baseball.  Many of the players I followed also retired and then they traded Robbie Cano, a young favorite, and I stopped watching Baseball.
Last year I slowly found Baseball again.  I tuned in to watch a young longball hitting catcher, Gary Sanchez, and got hooked on a giant left fielder, Aaron Judge.  The Yankees were hitting homeruns and winning again, and this fair-weather fan was hooked.
It is still Winter in New Jersey, but it is Spring for Baseball in Florida and the new season is upon us.
The Yankees stole the best power hitter in baseball to go along with the best power hitter in their league and the best power hitting catcher in Baseball and maybe the best power hitting shortstop in the game.  They also have a young first baseman who is finally healthy and has a swing designed for the short right field in Yankee Stadium.
There will be a lot of home runs.  There will be a lot of wins.  Baseball will be fun again for this fair-weather fan, and the Yankees will be hated by everyone else.
Bring it on!

*Except Arkansas Patti who has been under the weather lately...Get better AP!

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Just In Case You Are an Idiot

Just In Case You Are an Idiot
What is this thing?
Mrs. Cranky likes to shop on-line.  When I step out of the house I always check to not trip over the latest purchase that FedEx leaves by our front door.  Seldom anything really expensive, usually just stuff that seems really great on TV, in real life…not so much.
Above is her latest purchase.  What is it?
Stop reading now and guess; if you guess correctly, give yourself a WHOOP-TE-DOO!  I’ll wait.
La de da de da…
The latest purchase works very well for cleaning glasses.  (Did you guess correctly?)
It fits on a key chain so you always have it handy. 
If you wear glasses, you know how their lack of cleanliness will creep up on you.  When you do clean them, it is like a whole new world opens up.  I like to clean my glasses often, so I do like this gadget.
My only problem with this new tool is how does it work?  Actually I am not an idiot, once I know what it is I can figure out how to work it.  But in case you are an idiot, they do include instructions.
There are apparently three steps.
          1.      Look at it
2.     Place it near your glasses lens
3.     Place around glasses lenses
I’m not sure they really needed to include instructions, but as long as they have instructions, they should include all necessary steps.  They failed to show several steps.
 They don’t show to gently closing the contraption on the lens.
They don’t show to rub it around each lens.
I Figured out those steps all by my self.
What am I, an Idiot?

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Get Out of There

Get Out of There

Anyone who follows this blog knows I am very fond of Mrs. Cranky.  Yes, I make fun of her but it is just teasing.  The teasing usually comes back at me from testosterone lacking readers by way of comments which tend to side with my wife.  Some readers even call me a jerk. 

Readers also know I like to get away to my basement hideaway to watch TV, practice guitar and mess around on the internet.  I believe Mrs. C also welcomes my time away from her.  I am retired and she only works part time, without alone time our relationship might go stale.

“What are you talking about Cranky?”

Well for instance, we often finish each other’s sentences.  We often have the same thought at the same time.  We enjoy the same restaurants and TV shows.  These are all good things, but sometimes this togetherness goes too far.

This morning, I was on the computer working on a comment to The Old AF Sarge’s blog.  I paused for one second trying to think of just the right word.

“What word are you searching for.”

“What? I’m not searching for any word.”

“Yes you are, I can tell.”

“No, I’m just resting, thinking of nothing.”

“You are searching for a word.”

“Am not.”

“I could help.”

“How would you express ‘progress’, but with a slightly negative connotation?”

“Inevitable change?”

“That works…now get out of my head!”

Marriage is great.  Togetherness is wonderful.  Having mutual interests is nice.  Getting occasional alone time is important, but it is pretty difficult when one partner is able to get inside your head!

I gotta get to the basement.

Monday, February 19, 2018

A Mildly Unpleasant Cranky Sunday

A Mildly Unpleasant Cranky Sunday
Here in cranky townhouse land.
Sunday, we had no plans.  Mrs. Cranky was taking an early afternoon nap, I was in my basement cave playing guitar and watching golf on TV.
Life was good.
Then, when I went upstairs for a snack, I heard a strange noise.  It was the vacuum cleaner. 
I chill ran up my spine.
I was usually the vacuumer, but why the sudden fear?
In a previous life when the vacuum cleaner came out if I was doing nothing, (enjoying oneself on my day off was considered “doing nothing” in a previous life) it meant trouble.  The vacuum cleaning was the portent of things to come…bad things.  Oh, there was nothing to stop the bad things, they were boiling and were going to bubble over no matter what. 
There would be yelling and complaining and chores.  Chores that served no major purpose other than to keep me busy.  When the disease hit, relaxing on a day off made her angry.  When the disease hit, I needed to be moving and busy.  There was still yelling and complaining, and it was generally the same.
“How can you sit around doing nothing watching TV?  You are so lazy and worthless; do I have to do everything myself?”
It didn’t matter that I worked 8 hours a day and commuted 3hours every day in packed trains with smelly disease breathing passengers all week, and once my son was in school she cleaned the breakfast dishes and then spent the afternoons with her friends smoking cigarettes and drinking wine.  I was a lazy good for nothing because I watched TV on a Sunday.
I guess I could have told her to shut the F up, but it would not have worked.  I knew that nothing short of domestic violence would have stopped the verbal assaults, so I jumped to and got busy doing something…anything and absorbed the verbal abuse until the disease let up.
On this Sunday when I heard the vacuum I instinctively felt the need to get up and do something.
“What’s up, why are you vacuuming, that’s my job, I’ll do it!”
“I don’t know, I just wanted to try out the new machine.”
“You’re not angry about something?”
“What?  Why would I be angry?  Go back downstairs and enjoy the golf.”
Sometimes I forget, it is a different wife and a different life.
I still had a twinge of guilt, so I did some laundry.

Gun Control

Gun Control


The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with limited knowledge on the topic opined.  Opposing opinions are welcome but may be ignored.  Mean spirited comments may be deleted,  As always, no name calling and that means you, you big stupid head!

Cranky Old Man does not own a gun, has never owned a gun, and has never even fired a gun.   Guns scare me.  I don’t want to hunt; I have no interest in target shooting, and don’t believe I need a gun for protection.   If I had a gun, the only time it would be fired it would likely be an unfortunate accident.  I don’t like guns.

I do not object to hunting.  Many people have a genetic urge to kill animals and fill their freezer with game.   I have eaten venison…it is delicious when prepared correctly.  I have no objection to people culling the deer herd by gun rather than culling it myself with the front bumper of my car.

Many people enjoy target shooting and or skeet shooting.  I do not wish to deprive these people of their sport.  I like to bowl.  I would be upset if laws were passed that take away my bowling ball just because some nut killed people by dropping bowling balls off a highway overpass.

If I lived in a remote area where visitors were rare, I would own a gun.  I would greet every car that came down my dusty country road with a smile, a wave, and a loaded shotgun.

Still, I believe we need stronger gun regulation in this country.  Purchasing guns should not be easy.  People should have a license to buy a gun.  The gun buying license should require some psychological testing.  At a minimum, people with crazy eyes should be disqualified (come on, you know what I mean!)  

 Do NOT sell guns to these people!
There should be a written test and a demonstration to prove the candidate is knowledgeable in gun use and gun safety.

The gun purchase license should be expensive, and should need to be renewed periodically.

Now the arguments against gun restriction:

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. 

Yes, but guns do make it easier and do increase productivity.

Only the criminals will have guns. 

Well the criminals and the people that clear all the reasonable gun law restrictions.  Oh yeah, and the police.
The second amendment protects us from Government abuse.

You got me there, that AK 47 will really come in real handy against 
government tanks.

Listen; do we really need assault weapons to kill a deer?  Do we need rapid fire heavy ammo to shoot at targets?  Does anyone need an Uzi for protection?

It is true that most of the mass murders in our recent history were perpetrated with guns that were either legally obtained or stolen and gun regulations may not have stopped these crimes.  However, all the stories have not been reported.

In April 2002, Cecil Plotnick went into a gun shop in Seattle with the intent of purchasing several handguns and then driving to the nearest mall and killing as many people as he could.  When told he had to wait for a background check he changed his mind and bought a PlayStation 3 instead.

In June 2007, John "Bubba” Beady tried to buy a high-power rifle and several boxes of ammo at “Ralph’s Burgers and Guns” café in Lacy Arkansas.  Ralph questioned him as to why he wanted so much ammo and Bubba responded, “To kill a whole bunch of people.”  When Ralph told Bubba he did not sell ammo that was to be used to kill people, Bubba went bowling.

The stories of Cecil, Bubba and hundreds of other similar stories never made the evening news.  Gun legislation that saves lives is not news.  Bad shit that never happens is hard to demonstrate statistically. 

If drunk driving was legal, wouldn't the roads be less safe?  If pilots required no training would you be nervous about flying?  If anyone could just hang up a shingle and call himself Doc, who would you go to when you were sick?

People do drive drunk.  Idiots do fly and crash planes. Charlatans do imitate doctors.  Does that mean we should not have laws and regulations?  Laws and regulations limit bad shit.  They do not eliminate bad shit but they do reduce and restrict it.

Stricter gun regulations will not eliminate random mass murders, but it will stop some…we just won’t know about them ...ah...cause they didn't happen. 
The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management...Mrs. Cranky.