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Wednesday, February 29, 2012
THINGS THAT DON’T SUCK
Based on several comments, perhaps yesterday’s post should have been titled
“Things That Men Think Suck”
A lovely fellow senior citizen, Rosaria of http://sixtyfivewhatnow.blogspot.com/ commented on my post “Things That Suck” wanting to know what things I do like.
A broad from http://www.abroadwithaview.com/ also wanted to know what I do like.
Since both of these bloggers seem like such a nice ladies I am submitting the following:
THINGS THAT DON’T SUCK
Beautiful homes with a view of the Oregon coast – No explanation needed.
Fried Chicken, lobster, mack-and-cheese, steak, and lima beans….that’s right, lima beans!! Post your own list.
Sex – Well sometimes sex does…never mind, sex is good.
New car smell – Especially if it is your new car.
Pro football – Especially when the Giants beat New England in the Super Bowl.
Steven King – How does he write faster than I can read?
Television – The greatest invention ever!
Grandchildren – Sometimes they bite but they don’t suck. Grandchildren are like children on cruise control.
A long hot shower after 2 hours working out at the gym – So I have been told.
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Tuesday, February 28, 2012
THINGS THAT SUCK
APOLOGIES TO HELEN REDDY
I am hetero-man hear me roar
I find these things to be a bore
And I refuse to put up with this shit again
These are all things that suck
They are events that I will duck
Yes I hate them and I won’t pretend
Oh yes I am old
It is age that’s born of pain
I really hate these things
From this crap I will abstain
I am obstinate
I am Neanderthal
I am hetero-man
STUFF THAT SUCKS:
Broadway plays, especially musicals - Anything you can do live on stage can be created 1000 times better in movies with their special effects, editing, retakes and on-location capabilities.
Musicals are crappy plays where dialog is delivered in sing-song talk. No one sounds like that in real life!
Opera – Once again, like the musical, speak dialog, don’t sing it. Opera is worse than the musical, at least musicals are in English, and the ladies are not all fat!!
Ballet – If I don’t like my stories in song, I sure as hell don’t want to see a story told by dance!
Competitive swimming – BORING!! It can’t be a sport if no one ever gets hurt.
Shakespeare – Thee, thou, shant, havith, wantith, if was thy that want to be than beith that thou wilith want? WTF!! You might as well sing the freaking story…in Italian!!
Quiche – Mmmm cheesy foam with little bits of crap!! Steak PLEASE!!
Figure Skating – Except for the women’s skimpy outfits and their backwards butt-first runs by the judge's table….BORING!!
TV Award shows – Every artist is a “genius.” Acting is a “craft” singers are “gifted”, I am sooo honored….clap clap clap….I’d like to thank the academy and everyone I’ve ever met….FUCK YOU!
Any Dancing – There ain’t enough liquor.
Cats and poofey dogs – Gimme a pet that will protect me, retrieve something, or pull something.
The color mauve – If it is not in a Crayola box, it is not a real color!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Jeremy Lin played college ball for Harvard, a great University, but hardly a path to the NBA. He received no basketball scholarships out of high school; he was not drafted by an NBA team. Jeremy signed with San Francisco as a free agent and bounced around other NBA teams and the NBA developmental (D) league for several years before ending up in New York.
Lin was probably weeks away from being cut by the Knicks before circumstances gave him an opportunity to get significant playing time in a game against the Nets. His play sealed a win and a chance to start. The Knicks seven games below a five hundred record, won eight out of nine games with Lin as a starting guard. His scoring, assists and defense has “Wowed” the league, the fans, and the media.
The other night a Knick TV commentator asked a rhetorical question. “How many Jeremy Lin’s are there on the sidelines because they never got the breaks, the right coaching, the right program fit, or lacked the tenacity of Jeremy Lin?”
It struck me as a very good point. There is so much talent in sports, entertainment, writing, and virtually all fields of life that goes unnoticed due to bad luck, bad breaks, or lack of desire. The big one here is “lack of desire.”
Athletes and entertainers are often hit with the guilt trip, “You don’t want it bad enough.” There are numerous stories of people like Jeremy Lin. People that believed in their talent so much that they would not stop auditioning, would not stop ringing door bells, and would not except that they were not good enough to cut the mustard.
It is a wonderful story. It is a story that will inspire many to never quit, and never give up on their dream. What a beautiful rags to riches story.
Sometimes the experts are right. Sometimes the talent is just not there. Sometimes people need to take a different path.
There is a thin line between confidence in your ability and an obsession with a pipe dream. As great is the quality of confidence, is the potential destruction of an obsession.
When does a dream become a nightmare? What if the naysayers are correct? It is a determination almost everyone has to make sometime in their life.
Do you dare to dream?
Are you a Jeremy Lin or just a Joe Slub?
Sunday, February 26, 2012
It is Sunday again, time for a recap of this week’s headlines and Cranky’s idiotic sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments. Politically correct right thinking liberated minds should probably stop reading now:
Olympics minister says ticket demands unreasonable –Minister firmly believes admittance to church should be free.
9 tourist couples marry naked in Jamaica – First episode of new reality show “Say yes to the Undressed.”
Koran Burning Protests Spread to Pakistan – Lets just compromise, you stop cutting of people’s heads, and we’ll stop drawing cartoons and burning books.*
Journey drummer ordered to anger management – He needs to learn to stop beating stuff.
ESPN apologizes for racist Lin headline – Network admits saying the basketball player of Chinese decent had a “chink in his armor” was in bad taste, they just wanted to put a new slant on the story, but asserted the claim of yellow journalism was just gobbledy-gook! Was the article racist? You do the math.
Iran court convicts Christian pastor convert to death – How dare he convert from the religion of love and peace?*
NL MVP Ryan Braun wins appeal of drug test – Congratulations Ryan, but I just do not see what is so appealing about a drug test.
Lucy Lawless Using 'Xena' War Cries To Save The Environment – OK, ah…hmmm how does that work? Wouldn’t screaming use oxygen and emit more carbon dioxide? I guess you have to be an actress to understand this scientific shit.
Kate Gosselin: ‘I’m So Lonely’ – Hmmm…maybe if she spent some time with her EIGHT children.
Flu season has begun, with latest start in 24 years – If not for last minute negotiations, the season might have been cancelled all together.
Penn Judge: Muslims Allowed to Attack People for Insulting Mohammad – Rules man who was beaten to a pulp for calling Mohammad a “big fat stupid head” deserved the attack. Hassan Abdul Mustafa El Wacky who was set free with his big giant curvy sword declared the decision a “victory for backward thinking third world moronic fanatical religious zealots the world over!”*
Does White House deserve credit for increase in domestic oil production? – He is credited with the rotten economy not being even more rotten, so I guess he should be credited with increased oil production.
He should also be credited with the lack of wild elephant stampedes in Montana!
*The Cranky Old Man apologizes for multiple comments related to the religion of peace and love. He promises to stop as soon as the decapitations and suicide bombings end.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
STUPID COMMENTS HEARD ON REALITY TV
“She was snooping around into my prior past.” – Defendant on Judge Judy.
“Is it true the ‘Steiff Bears’ were upper-shalant?” - Darryl “Storage Wars”
“Basically your honor you can come in one door and go out the nother.” – Plaintiff on Judge Alex
“On a scale of one to ten, I feel like I’m going to throw up!” – Contestant on “The Bachelor.”
“My thanks to anyone who comes here and shares their thoughts and feelings because…it’s thought provoking.” Dr. Phil
“The man had three babies on me whilst we was married!” -Plaintiff on Judge Alex
She lazy, she stupid, she don’t never want to do nothing.” – Salon owner on “Tabitha’s Makeover.”
“It’s kinda like some material threw up all over the bottom” – Bridesmaid describing a dress on “Say Yes to the Dress.”
“I was literately driving home” – Plaintiff on “The People’s Court” (Never read and drive!)
“On a scale of one to wonderful, today was fantastic.” – Kasey- B “The Bachelor” (What is with the bachelorettes and friggin scales?)
“Let’s get to the meat of the potato” – Darryl “Storage Wars”
“As they say in Egypt, keep your enemies close and keep your friends even closer” – Darryl (again) “Storage Wars”(Darryl is soon to star in his own show titled “He said What?”)
“I had went to he house after I had drived to the store.” - Defendant on “Judge Judy”
Friday, February 24, 2012
BECOMING MY MOM
It was 1956; Elvis was going to be on the Ed Sullivan Show. My brothers and I had seen Elvis on “The Steve Allen Show” weeks before. He had several top records playing all over the radio. The “Ed Sullivan Show” was big time. Everyone watched Ed on Sunday night. Elvis appearing on the “Ed Sullivan Show” was excitedly anticipated by everyone; everyone except my mom.
Mom had never heard of Elvis. On the night Elvis was to appear on Ed’s show she was baffled by the palpable electricity in the air at the Ed Sullivan Studio. Finally Ed made the big introduction, “Ladies and gentlemen, right here on this stage (what other stage Ed?) We have a young man who is generating a lot of excitement with his unique singing; ladies and gentlemen…..ELVIS PRESLEY!!!
Elvis appeared, the teenage girls, who somehow took over the entire audience, squealed and the show began. Elvis strummed the guitar and gyrated as only Elvis could as he belted out “Hound dog.”
“Oh honestly, that’s awful” my mom exclaimed with utter disdain, “Who is that?”
“Mom, it’s Elvis, everyone has heard of Elvis, he is the hottest thing around!”
“Well I think he is just dreadful.”
Dreadful might have been the worst thing mom cold say about anyone or anything.
“And the way he is wiggling up there, Shame on Him!”
Mom saved the shame-on thing for only the most dreadful people.
With that, mom turned off the TV! She turned off ELVIS!! Dad didn’t flinch. “That is just awful,” he chimed in. My brothers and I said nothing. This latest sensation for whom we had waited all week to watch on the “Ed Sullivan Show” was apparently just dreadful. How could we argue to watch when mom had just declared “Shame” on him?
The next time Elvis appeared on Ed’s show mom relented. We could watch, but she would not enjoy the act. Ed made sure the TV only showed Elvis from the waist up, this might have tempered mom’s disgust, but she could never get over the squealing teens.
“Honestly…that’s just awful!”
Several years after Elvis, and after several other “Latest Sensations” like Fabian and Rickey Nelson, mom seemed somewhat numb to the teen idols and the teen squealing.
Then came Ed’s introduction, “Ladies and gentlemen…THE BEETLES!!”
Let the teen squealing begin, let the mom commentary follow.
“Honestly, who are these people? Are they girls? Their hair is awful!”
“Mom, they are The Beetles! They are only the hottest thing since Elvis. They have four songs in the top ten!”
“Well I think they are dreadful!”
Mom was so out of touch with pop culture it was embarrassing. I had no idea how she could be so out of it.
Play the tape of months and then years ripping off the calendar to 2012.
Mrs. Cranky forced me to watch “The Grammies.” Singer after singer came out and performed and my response to each was the same:
“Honestly, that is just dreadful! Who are they?….Who is that?….Is that supposed to be singing?....Who is Minnie Montage?....Why is she doing that exorcist stuff?....That is just dreadful….SHAME ON HER!!!
OH CRAP!! I am turning into my mother!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
MORE SUPER POWERS I WANT
Way back in May, I did a post on Super Powers I Want http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2011/05/super-powers.html. Having nine more months to think about it, I have developed an enhanced list:
1. The ability to understand women. For instance when they say “Don’t get me anything for our anniversary”, do they mean it, or is it a test.
I have been burned both ways. “I told you not to get me anything!” and “I know I said nothing, but when do you ever listen to me?”
2. The ability to telepathically change and lock the TV channel. “Gee honey I don’t know what happened I guess we just have to watch golf until cable fixes the problem.”
3. The ability to change the expiration dates on the coupons of the lady in front of me in the supermarket checkout line.
I know it would only slow me down, but it would be worth it just to fuck with these people.
4. The ability to give a mild shock to teenagers every time they say “like”, “you know”, “awesome” “epic”, or “really?”. Like, you know, don’t you think that would be awesome and epic? You don’t. REALLY?
5. The ability to cause pompous ass-holes to pass loud stinky gas at the most inappropriate of times. I would clear the room during all political debates.
6. I don’t want to be faster than a locomotive or to be able to bend steel with my bare hands, but leaping tall buildings in a single bound would be really fucking cool! Do I really need to comment on this one?
7. Ex-ray vision! Come on I would be discreet…maybe…sometimes.
8. The ability to make politicians respond to questions with a direct non-invasive answer. (I know that one is a little farfetched, that’s why I want #5.)
9. Able to guide large birds and cause them to “smart bomb” people that piss me off. “Gee if you hadn’t cut in line, that pterodactyl would have crapped on me!”
I promise I would only use these powers for the betterment of mankind.
Except for maybe the ex-ray vision thing.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
SKIING WITH MY BOYS
I took my 14 year old skiing today. We met his 35 year old brother at the mountain. The teen is with me for almost a week as his school is on break. I have not seen him since Christmas. I have not been skiing for 5 years.
I started skiing with Spence when he was four. I would put him between my legs and hold on to him while I snow plowed down the hill, his skis barely touching the snow. When he was five I attached a harness to him. The harness allowed me to control his speed and help him turn. Always I was there to pick him up if he fell.
At six and seven years old he was on his own; sort of. I always made sure to ski behind him in case he fell or got hurt. He was always in my sight. At eight years old we skied together. If he fell he would get up on his own. If I fell he was there to ask if I was alright.
Today it was mostly Spence and his big brother skiing together. They allowed me one run on the easy slope, and then they left me, off to try the bumps and jumps of the more difficult runs.
Isn’t that the way with children? You hold their hand, you carry them. You pick them up when they fall, you watch them from afar. Suddenly they are on their own and leaving you at every chance.
They finally learn to ski, and they ski away.
It’s alright. My legs were aching, my wind was deficient, my stamina lacking. After several runs down the mountain, I retired to the lodge and my nook loaded with Dean Koontz. From time to time I would look up and see my boys racing down the hill, hitting the jumps and spraying snow on every turn.
I wish I could keep up with them and enjoy the ride, but seeing them excel on skis will have to be enough and….it is.
It is good to know that I have done my job well. I sacrificed my own skiing time to teach all my children. I may be past the time where I can ski all day. When I do hit the mountain I avoid the bumps and the jumps. I am too old to risk a fall. My children can still take a little risk. They can smoke the mountain jumps, bumps and all.
It is comforting to know that though I can no longer always be there they can ski without me. Even though I cannot pick them up when they fall they can get up without me.
It’s a big mountain. There are lots of patches of ice, lots of bumps and other skiers will get in their way. It is comforting to know that they have made it this far down the hill. They are prepared and they are able to make it to the end of the run. I know I will not be around to see the finish, but I am sure they will do just fine.
Monday, February 20, 2012
“The Bachelor” A Cranky Analysis
After infusing some testosterone into this blog with my NFL playoff and Super Bowl posts, I am about to deplete it all with this post on “The Bachelor.” (SZ please stop reading now….yes, I know, I have already taken two steps backward. It’s your spin.)
What is up with this bachelor, Ben? First of all he is just a little weird looking. His hair is a mess and he needs a chin implant. (Can you feel the testosterone level dropping?) He also cannot see that Courtney is a freaking nut basket.
Dude, she has crazy eyes. She has crazy eye brows. She does that twitchy thing with her pursed lips which is something that….CRAZY F- ING PEOPLE DO!!
I shouldn’t be too hard on Ben for not recognizing crazy, I put up with crazy for 14 years. Still, Courtney is over-the-top wacky and she is probably the least attractive of all the bachelorettes. My theory is that:
1. The producers have told Ben to hang on to the crazy bitch because she is ratings gold.
2. Ben is getting a little extra sum sum off camera from Courtney and he is going to cash in on the nookey while he can.
3. Ben is actually as crazy himself as his hairdo would indicate.
My hope is that Ben will continue to be duped and get down on his knee for this wack so we can continue the drama in the tabloids for months after the final episode.
All of these celebrity whores, both the bimboys and bimbos deserve each other.
How do 26 women all fall in love with one dude in about 15 minutes, all to the point of having a complete breakdown when they don’t get a rose?
It is a stupid competition which never results in an actual marriage ceremony. I think this show should demand an official marriage at the end of the show and a requirement of at least one year before a divorce in order to collect any monetary rewards.
Still, I love this show (yes, I do sit down when I pee). My favorite part is following the women when they don’t get a rose.
“WAA Waa waa! How could he not pick me….I’m PRETTY? I’ve never been rejected, because…I’m PRETTY! I always do the rejecting because…..I’M PRETTY WAA WAA WAA!”
OK, that’s enough ranting about this show. I’m really not gay*; I think it is perfectly OK to watch these shows.
Do these pants make my butt look big?
*Not that there is anything wrong with that!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
The week just flies on by. It is hard to believe but it is time again for Cranky’s Headlines and his stupid sophomoric comments of the week!
Police arrest mom after she allegedly punches son during anger management class – The Judge sentences woman to….ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASS!!
Naked Man Covered In Chocolate, Peanut Butter At Kentucky Store – Mr. Reece Piece Claimed to be hiding from ET.
Family asks judge to order Massachusetts school district to remove 'under God' from Pledge of Allegiance – Family also requests that the word DOG never be displayed in front of a mirror.
Gay marriage becomes law in Washington – I’m all in favor of allowing gays to marry each other, but making it a law for everyone is going too far.
French police searching for body find 2.2m catfish – Detective Bernard LaFeef stated, “Ewe know, a bodee ess a bodee. No?
ND higher ed board to sue to drop Fighting Sioux – See they sue over Sioux so some Sioux supporters should stop saying Sioux. Sources say suit a sham. Superior Judge Sue Sower said to be sour on silly Sioux suer, says Sioux suit belongs in the sewer for sure.
Samuel L. Jackson Brings Back Racism – I wasn’t aware it had ever gone away!
Remote-controlled chip implant delivers bone drug – Now what possible scenario would require a dose of Viagra to be delivered by remote control?
U.S. won't allow more fungicide in orange juice – OK, but I hope everyone likes their orange juice with fungus.
Underwear Bomber Abdulmutallab: "Proud to Kill in the Name of God" – He is also proud to be forever known as “THE UNDERWEAR BOMBER”.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
THE LIEBSTER AWARD
Bloggers, it seems, are like the Hollywood elite, we just can’t have enough awards. If there are not enough we just make up new ones and hand them out like candy.
“And the winner is….EVERYONE!!”
For years I have complained about how entertainers are obnoxious with all their awards. Oscars, People’s Choice, Emmy’s, Cannes Film Festival, Golden Globes, and at least one award from every city in the world for best (male and female) actor, best picture, best actor in a musical, best comedy actor, best supporting actor, best actor supporting the supporting actor, best walk-on, best producer, best key grip…..
Now I find myself in a group which also finds a way to shower each other with accolades. If I were to accept this or any other award I would be as bad as any of the Hollywood elite and I would be an extreme hypocrite! If I was to accept this award, it would comprimise my integrity.
THANK YOU LOU for this prestigious award, the LIEBSTER. I would like to thank everyone who made this award possible: The Crankettes, the Cranks, the Step-Cranks, my ex-wives, my many friends (both of you know who you are) and most of all Mrs. Cranky.
Thank you…Thank you very much!
In accepting this award I must also bestow it on five worthy bloggers who have less than 200 followers and like me are also extreme hypocrites if they accept.
Check them out:
http://markkoopmans.blogspot.com/ Aloha Mark
http://thebford5.blogspot.com/ Jesus + Laughing gas…funny stuff
http://flyfishon.blogspot.com/ An entertaining Outdoorsy fly fishing lady
http://danmtnman.blogspot.com/ Country wisdom from Dan the Mountain Man
http://fairlytails.blogspot.com/ This is One Bad Pixie
If you accept you need to pass the award along to five other worthy bloggers.
Thank you again!
If you accept you need to pass the award along to five other worthy bloggers.
Thank you again!
Friday, February 17, 2012
YOUR DIPLOMA HAS BEEN REVOKED
Due to a change in the College’s requirements for graduation we find that the degree awarded to you in 1968 was in error. You are nine credits short of graduation; your diploma has been revoked.
This is the start of a dream that used to recur about three times a year. In it my job is dependent on a degree. To keep my job I go back to school to earn those nine credits.
I was not a good student in college. I had too much fun and not enough smarts. I managed to barely scrape through going on and off probation right up to my final semester. My graduation was in doubt until the last hour when grades were posted and I just slipped in under the minimum grade point average wire.
Having to go back and earn nine more credits without slipping under the required grade point average is indeed a nightmare.
The only part of this dream that I ever remember when I wake up in a cold sweat is having to take my final exam in Ancient History (I know…there was no such course). In the dream I did not attend a single class or lecture. I never read a page of the required reading. I never even bought the book. Somehow I thought I could borrow the book and read it the night before the final exam. No one is willing to lend me the book. The book is not available for sale. The test is due in one hour. That is when I wake up in a cold sweat.
I have not had this dream since I retired four years ago.
I don’t need my job.
I don’t need the degree.
Fuck you dream!