THINGS THAT SUCK
APOLOGIES TO HELEN REDDY
I am hetero-man hear me roar
I find these things to be a bore
And I refuse to put up with this shit again
These are all things that suck
They are events that I will duck
Yes I hate them and I won’t pretend
Oh yes I am old
It is age that’s born of pain
I really hate these things
From this crap I will abstain
I am obstinate
I am Neanderthal
I am hetero-man
STUFF THAT SUCKS:
Broadway plays, especially musicals - Anything you can do live on stage can be created 1000 times better in movies with their special effects, editing, retakes and on-location capabilities.
Musicals are crappy plays where dialog is delivered in sing-song talk. No one sounds like that in real life!
Opera – Once again, like the musical, speak dialog, don’t sing it. Opera is worse than the musical, at least musicals are in English, and the ladies are not all fat!!
Ballet – If I don’t like my stories in song, I sure as hell don’t want to see a story told by dance!
Competitive swimming – BORING!! It can’t be a sport if no one ever gets hurt.
Shakespeare – Thee, thou, shant, havith, wantith, if was thy that want to be than beith that thou wilith want? WTF!! You might as well sing the freaking story…in Italian!!
Quiche – Mmmm cheesy foam with little bits of crap!! Steak PLEASE!!
Figure Skating – Except for the women’s skimpy outfits and their backwards butt-first runs by the judge's table….BORING!!
TV Award shows – Every artist is a “genius.” Acting is a “craft” singers are “gifted”, I am sooo honored….clap clap clap….I’d like to thank the academy and everyone I’ve ever met….FUCK YOU!
Any Dancing – There ain’t enough liquor.
Cats and poofey dogs – Gimme a pet that will protect me, retrieve something, or pull something.
The color mauve – If it is not in a Crayola box, it is not a real color!