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Wednesday, February 15, 2012



I am a dog lover.  I have shared my home with a Cocker Spaniel, a Boxer, a Beagle, a mutt, a Labrador, and a Corgi.  All had different personalities, all had different needs, all wanted to please.  I loved them all.  Every child should have a dog in their life.  I have a theory; a child raised with a dog in the family never does drugs.

A dog is a member of the family.  They are the neediest yet most loyal member of the family.  They are at the bottom of the family totem pole.  A child never feels neglected in a family with a dog.  With a dog, there is always a family member that though loved is not as important as the child…the dog.

Children learn loyalty from the dog.  They learn of the importance of discipline from the dog.  They learn responsibility from the dog.  They learn about unconditional love from the dog.  Every family should have a dog.

I just finished watching this year’s Westminster Dog Show.  I love this show because I love dogs.  It is a stupid expensive display of dog opulence.  I love the dog show.

My only objection to the dog show is it is the most subjective contest in the world.  The winners of every category and the eventual “Best in Show” is based on the judge’s “mental image of the ‘perfect’ dog described in the breed’s Official Standard.”

OH come-on now!!

There are 150 different breeds at the show.  The winner of each breed, the dog of that breed which most perfectly meets the standard of that breed, competes in one of several categories.  There are working breeds, sporting breeds, toy breeds, terriers and more.  The winner of each group, the dog that is the most perfect to the standard of its breed compared to the other dog breeds, advances to “Best in Show” judging.

In this grand finale of judging, one judge apparently expert in the standards of all 150 breeds, takes about one minute to check the teeth, musculature, coat and gait of each of seven dogs and awards a ribbon to the “Best in Show.”

Each dog in this finale has twice been judged to be closest to perfection of the standard of its breed.  “Best in Show” really boils down to the dog one judge just happens to like.  It is totally subjective at this point. 

This year’s winner was the Pekinese.  It is a little fur ball which waddles, cannot run and looks like a giant furry spider.  It is bred to sit on peoples laps.  It does not hunt.  It does not pull stuff.  It does not capture and kill rats.  It does not guard the house.  It sits on laps.  The standard for this dog which best meets the needs for which it was bred is it must have an ass with which to sit.

Except for last year when the “Best in Show” was a Deerhound, perhaps the ugliest dog ever, the winner of “Best in Show” is invariably a cutesy little sissy lap dog.

For over twenty years now, the most popular breed in this country has been the Labrador Retriever, followed by the Golden Retriever.  Both are in the sporting category.  They are beautiful, gentle, loyal, family dogs, which are also bred to hunt and retrieve game.

A Labrador or a Golden has never won “Best in Show.”  They rarely win the sporting dog category.  It is hard to believe that in the 100+ years of this dog show, one of these retriever breeds has never been bred to exhibit the most perfection for the standard which that breed demands.

I love the dog show, but they need a new category.  After “Best in Show” they should choose the “Poofiest, Puffiest, Cutest, Little Fur-ball Woosey Dog in Show.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of “Best in Show” is….The LABRADOR!!”

“And now Ladies and gentlemen, for all you non real-dog lovers, the winner of the “Poofiest, Puffiest, Cutest, Little Fur-ball Woosey Dog in Show” is….The TOY POODLE!!

Maybe that would satisfy all the elite snothead dog owners of the world.

Either way, I still love The Dog Show.


  1. I love German Short-Haired Pointers and in fact used to breed them...I understand completely how the whole show dog thing works...My pointers were extremely well pedigree'd, but I never once showed any of them. I had planne dt show Tigz who was my baby and had a pedigree that was full of nothing but show champions, but then Jazz decided to bite the lower part of one of her ears off and that was the end of her show career before it even started. I guess it was a good thing because all of our dogs were working dogs, trained to work alongside a gun and a ferret. They were all beautiful animals, well -trained and disciplined and well loved by us all, and it is a shame we no longer have a dog - I think the boys would love to have a dog again..

  2. BRAVO!! I agree that those aren't real dogs, or as I call them real-man dogs. I grew up with an english springer and a golden retriever. I have a list of dogs to own (including Alaskan Malamutes and a french bulldog--which I know is only a real dog because of the bulldog part). I always root for the "under dogs" too. Maybe they should allow the viewers to phone in our votes for best in show?

  3. Aloha Joe,

    Congrats on retiring from Wall St. after forty years (*there's* the subject for your third book!)

    I'm a new follower looking forward to reading your cranked out crankiness!