Saturday, February 29, 2020
A Detective in Training
If I wanted to pull the wool over her eyes in any way, it would be futile.
Mrs. C knows all.
The other day at dinner she asked me,
“What do you need?”
“My knife is dirty…wait, how did you know I needed anything.”
“You raised your eyes to the left, where the waitress always passes, I knew you were looking for her for something.”
“You are scary, you know that?”
Just the day before, she came home from work and asked,
“Did you have trouble replacing the battery in the smoke alarm.”
“Not too much, only when…hey, wait a minute, how did you know I changed the battery?”
“I saw the plastic from the battery packet in the recycle bin, and the step stool was moved a bit from its usual place.”
“You are scary, you know that?”
Last night coming home from the store, we were waiting at a light to turn out of the mall parking lot and I told her,
“That car in front of us is going to the gas station on the left.”
“How do you know?”
“It is elementary my dear Sherlock. Did you notice his trunk just popped open a little?”
“I thought I saw some movement.”
“He meant to pop open his gas tank cover and pulled the wrong lever. I do it all the time. He is going to pull into the gas station on the left.”
The light changed and the car in front did indeed pull into the gas station.
“Ah Grasshopper, you are learning my ways.”
“Not Grasshopper, but Watson to your Sherlock.”
Friday, February 28, 2020
I hate insurance.
Yes, I know it is often a necessary expense.
Banks will not loan money without some insurance that their loan is safe. They require Title Insurance in the rare event where the property involved is not the legal property of the borrower. Mortgage insurance is sometimes required if the borrower may find himself unable to make payments.
Car insurance, particularly liability insurance is required to compensate people injured beyond the drivers ability to pay for damages. These insurances protect injured parties and the responsible party from financial ruin.
The insurance that sticks in my craw is the insurance that is sold like a chain letter.
The chain letter warns that unless you forward this message to seven other people you will suffer bad luck. Very annoying, but many people do forward that letter rather than risk “Bad Luck.”
Some insurance threatens that you buy this insurance or you may suffer specific damages. They prey on peoples superstitions.
Companies offer insurance on everything.
If you buy anything these days, sales people also try and sell you insurance on issues that may arise or product failure. I suspect these dealers make more money on the insurance of the products than they do on the actual sale.
When these salesmen offer this insurance I tell them that for the last twenty years I have recorded all the policies I have not purchased and balanced that against product failure covered by those policies. I am currently $14,678 ahead of the game so I will not be paying $20 to insure my $75 toaster oven.
Have you ever tried to cash in on an insured item? I am sure some policies do pay off, but many times you find that the item has depreciated so much that your $500 purchase is now only worth $78 in coverage. Hell, you paid $50 for that coverage…you just saved $28. Whoop-Tee-Doo!!
I once paid $100 to insure a $900 refrigerator. I think most refrigerators have a life of about 15 years…at least the older models did. I paid $100 because I was assured that after 7 years if I made no claims I would get a refund of $50 dollars. At the end of 7 years, I had no idea where the papers for that purchase were…actually it didn’t matter, the dealer went out of business three years after the purchase.
I have been told I need insurance against car repairs.
“If you have a car issue…and you WILL, Car Care is there to help you.”
Maybe, but I do not trust that they will pay $2000 to repair the engine of your $800 car.
A Car Care commercial offers several satisfied buyers who claim that Car Care is “Reliable. affordable, and trustworthy.” Their agents are “Friendly, knowledgeable and money saving experts.” Call me a skeptic, but aren’t reliable and trustworthy pretty much the same thing? Did their agents get a college degree in “money saving car repair insurance” or do they just have a chart of prices based on car year and model?
I have been told I need insurance for repair of my water main that runs from the street to my house. I really hesitate to mention this for that chain letter type threat this policy covers, but in my 50 years of home ownership I have never heard of this problem. I have not known or heard of even one person who has had this problem. I know it has happened, but balancing the odds versus the cost, I’d rather play the Big Wheel at a casino.
There are also people selling insurance for any household breakdowns. Yes I do know people who have bought this and received benefits, but I doubt that over a ten year period the benefits have ever exceeded their costs.
My final beef with insurance is almost all have a loophole.
“Oh, that warranty is passed its date.”
“Well, we cover the drive-train, but not if you missed an oil change by 18 miles or more.”
“I’m sorry, that division of our company has gone out of business.”
And the always popular:
“Sir, did you not read the fine print?”
I am afraid to push publish on this post. As soon as I do, my car will breakdown, the refrigerator will stop running, my water line will explode and there will be a slip and fall accident on my sidewalk.
What the heck I’m going to publish it anyway.
What; I don’t have life insurance? Is it too late to delete?
Wednesday, February 26, 2020
“Is that what you’re wearing?”
What non-metro-sexual husband has never been asked that question by his wife?
Last night was bowling night. Mrs. Cranky leaves for work before I leave for bowling. When I came home she was upset at the shirt I was wearing.
“Is that what you wore to bowling?”
“Yes, why not? I always bowl well with this shirt.”
“It is worn and has holes in the front and back!”
The shirt is a NY Giant jersey. Number 88 with the name “Nicks” on the back. It is so old that I don’t even remember who “Nicks” was. Pretty good receiver I think, but not sure.
Why do wives care so much about what their husbands wear when they go anywhere without them?
This was bowling for criminy sake. Bowlers are not a group of fashion plates. Most bowlers wear an assortment of shirts that say “I’m with stupid” or “I never met a ten pin I didn’t hate.”
Hell, professional bowlers are sponsored by “Odor Eaters” shoe inserts. Do you think “Odor Eater” shoe-insert-people are concerned about the shirt you wear when bowling?
I know this is not just a Mrs. C. issue.
Previous wives have had similar complaints about how I dress when leaving the house alone.
I used to be chastised over wearing a paint stained white tee shirt when I went to “Home Depot.”
If in the middle of doing a chore around the house I needed a #8 hex head wood screw, my wife expected me to go upstairs and change into a nice button down shirt before I left the house.
“In case you run into someone I know.”
“What if I run into someone I know and they want to know why I was wearing a nice button down shirt to buy a #8 hex head wood screw?”
“It’s embarrassing, that’s all.”
“Well being overdressed to buy a #8 hex head wood screw might be embarrassing to me!”
“Nothing embarrasses you!”
I will agree that going some places looking like a slob is a bad idea.
Shopping at Macy’s with a plain, torn, white tee shirt is frowned upon. On the plus side, when I dressed like that at a nice department store, I always got good service.
Store managers would follow me all around the store and often ask if I needed help. No matter how much I declined assistance, they stayed within eyesight to make sure I got excellent service.
Anyway, it is not worth arguing over. From now on I will wear a nice shirt when I bowl. Hopefully I will break-in a new “lucky” shirt.
I will continue to wear an old nasty shirt to “Home Depot.”
Button down clean shirts get no respect at “Home Depot.”
Tuesday, February 25, 2020
This may not be my first post on the subject, if not just let it be known that I still HATE supermarket coupons.
We got rid of the annoying Green Stamp/ Gold Stamp scheme about fifty years ago, could we also just get rid of coupons? If you want to push a product, how about just dropping the price?
You may think you are saving money with your coupons, but you are also buying crap you probably don’t need or want. I’ve seen that show on TV where ladies collect and clip coupons, then plot and plan for a week before they shop. They succeed in buying $387 worth of groceries for $1.78.
Then they show them packing their booty into a garage full of shelves stacked with shit they will never be able you use within decades of the “best by” date.
I wouldn’t mind if it did not affect my life and it seldom does, but today it did.
I went to the supermarket and picked up a tub of low fat plain yogurt, a head of lettuce and some tomatoes…that’s right, Cranky is on a diet. I headed for the 12 item or less line when a lady whizzed by and cut in front of me in a cart loaded down with several items, plus many small packages of what looked like some sort of salad dressing.
I counted the packets. There were forty small packets of this stuff. Pretty sure you can buy salad dressing in gallon jugs at Costco, but she wanted forty 6 oz. packets instead. First off, I was pissed that she cut in front of me. Second, I was pissed that she had over forty items in the 12 item or less line. I’ve been through this argument before. Apparently, there is a Supermarket rule that many items of the same stuff only count as one item. I wouldn’t mind so much if checkers just counted the items and multiplied the price for one ring up like they did in the old days. These days, checkers scan each and every item.
That was bad enough, but then the lady brings out a handful of coupons that also have to be scanned individually. Over 80 scans in the 12 item or less lane.
Just once I want to go to a supermarket and not get aggravated.
Monday, February 24, 2020
Mrs. C and I went to Friendly’s today, after a visit to the doctor. I ordered a BLT. It wasn’t just a BLT though, it was:
“Perfectly grilled applewood smoked bacon merged with crisp iceberg lettuce, fresh ripe red tomato, all on delicious, perfectly toasted sourdough bread with just the right amount of mayo.”
I would have described the BLT as:
“Bacon, lettuce and tomato on toast, with mayo if you want.”
I don’t think I would be a very good menu writer, and yet:
Why is bacon today always “Applewood smoked bacon?” What is so friggin special about applewood?
If I order a sandwich with lettuce, I sort of just expect it to be crisp.
“Oh I’m sorry sir did you order crisp lettuce? We charge extra for crisp, most of our customers prefer limp lettuce.”
Most tomatoes are red, aren’t they? Because when I order something with tomatoes I don’t believe I need to request, “red, not green” do I? And really, if the tomato is not fresh please just tell me you are all out of tomatoes.
I have to question the perfectly toasted bread thing. What is perfect? Can I have it my way? Lightly toasted, or toasted golden brown or burnt to a crisp if I want…I’ll tell you what is perfectly toasted!
What the hell is the just right amount of mayo? Can I decide, or is there a mayo standard? How about putting a blob of mayo on the side and I’ll decide what is the perfect amount.
Apparently bullshit sells.
This always pisses me off at a restaurant; al dente pasta! I like my pasta soft and limp (don’t even go there) Is there some rule that pasta has to be al dente? I think people order pasta al dente just because it sounds sophisticated and worldly. I don’t care, I’m old. When I order my pasta I ask, “And boil the crap outa it, I like it limp and mushy.”
Cheese used to be Swiss or American. I always just like Velveeta. I know it is not really cheese, but is a “cheese like product.” Cheese today seems to suddenly always be Asiago Cheese. Sometimes they even call it “The” Asiago cheese like it is something everyone demands but is so difficult to find. Did they just invent Asiago cheese?
I love this one, “Were running some specials today.” Today’s restaurant special is yesterday’s crap that didn’t sell out.
Descriptions and names are what push the product at a restaurant.
I love Chilean sea bass. I’m not so sure I would order the “Patagonian Toothfish.”
|Chilean Sea Bass/Patagonian Toothfish...same thing!|
I’ll take mine without the head please.
Re-run from February 2014
Sunday, February 23, 2020
Mysterious group protests Dem debate by unleashing pigeons wearing MAGA hats – I don’t care what your political view is, if you do not see the humor in this I feel sorry for you.
Most popular Disney ride around the world is not Space Mountain – The most popular Disney ride for me is the plane ride back to Jersey!
Newman alert, walking around hospital – At first I thought this was a “Be on the look out for” warning. Turns out it is the driver hurt in a Daytona Speedway crash…he is alert and recovering.
‘Happy Days’ star Henry Winkler labeled one of Hollywood’s nicest stars – Well, the bar is kinda low.
Maryland Walmart employee goes viral for her unique 'grumpy' expression – I told Mrs. C I could be a Walmart greeter!
Man, 91, becomes 'internet sensation' for working out in overalls – If I reach 91 I’m pretty sure putting overalls on will be a workout.
Calorie counts, specifically those with nuts, may not be as accurate as we all think – I don’t trust anything a nut counts.
Robert Durst murder trial underway with jury selection – What trial? I saw the movie ten years ago…he did it!
Georgia man takes down shoplifting suspect with grocery cart – “Stop where you are, I’ve got a grocery cart and I’m not afraid to use it!”
Kim Jong Un spent over $500G on Russian horses over past decade – Hell, we could have sold him some fine Texas Beef for half the price!
Mysterious radio signal from space is repeating every 16 days – Aliens found a recording of American Pie.
Feel Good Story of the Week
UK man, 77, ‘bravely’ fights off ATM mugger in boxing match caught on video – https://www.foxnews.com/world/uk-man-fights-off-atm-mugger-video
This illustrates my point in https://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2020/02/what-makes-old-people-so-cantankerous.html
Friday, February 21, 2020
Italian in a Car
I may have mentioned from time to time that Mrs. C is half Italian. She is half Irish as well.
Italians are great cooks. They love to cook; food is a big part of an Italians culture.
Mrs. C is Irish in the kitchen.
Italians are also known to be passionate. They love with passion, they laugh with passion, they fight with passion.
Mrs. C is Italian in the car.
We drove to a family event the other day. About two hours driving total. The driver, my Italian in the car wife, managed to have words about many fellow drivers we encountered on the trip.
We encountered three asses, two assholes, one ass-wipe, and there was even one mother-f*cker!
I had to ask.
“What makes one driver an ass and another an asshole?”
“An ass is just a bad driver; he is not paying attention. An asshole knows what he is doing, he just doesn’t care.”
“What about an ass-wipe? Is that worse than an asshole?”
“Big time. An ass-wipe is paying attention and he will drive like an ass intentionally. He goes out of his way to piss you off.”
“Someone who goes out of his way to piss you off, what could be worse than that? Is a mother-f*cker worse than an ass-wipe?”
“Someone who drives like an ass intentionally, goes out of his way to piss you off and then flips you the bird when you honk the horn at him…that is a mother-f*ucker!”
I’ll bet you thought that annoying drivers were not categorized.
You don’t drive with an Italian in the car.
You don’t drive with an Italian in the car.
Thursday, February 20, 2020
We Need New Words
These days everything is super good. Very and extra are now meaningless, which makes “super” meaningless, and fabulous is just confusing. Is fabulous better than super? Super used to be as high as it gets. DC comics did not create “Verygoodman,” or “Extragoodman” or “Fabulousman” it created “SUPERman!”
"Super" has been so watered down, I wonder if Clark Kent could still bend steel with his bare hands or leap tall buildings in a single bound…he is Superman, but Hell, everything these days is super.
“I’m SUPER tired.”
“She is SUPER smart.”
“That car is SUPER expensive.”
The word has been diluted. It is now meaningless. Sure, you can say something is very SUPER, or extra SUPER, or SUPER fabulous, but it does not work. Once you throw in that “super” adjective you know that what ever follows could very well only be ordinary.
We used to use “Literally” as a superlative. “He is literally bigger than a bus!” Now we know that literally means not figuratively, so when used in this way it is clearly just a sarcastic way to say “He is huge!” It used to work!
Today, people use “literally” willy-nilly to indicate a superlative to virtually anything.
“He is literally six feet tall.” What the HELL? Why not just say “He is six foot tall?” “Literally” as a sarcastic superlative has been ruined.
We used to say “actually” to confirm that what follows is true even though you might think it is an exaggeration.
“I actually shot par on eight holes last week.” Hard to believe, but yes, I actually did. (Not actually-actually, this is just in way of an example.)
Now people say actually to virtually every question.
“What do you do for a living?”
“Actually, I am a teacher.” As if, what; being a teacher is so difficult to believe?
To me that means, “Hard to believe because I am so clearly uneducated, but Actually, I am a teacher.”
Today, “Actually” actually means nothing.
So many words today have been ruined. Why is everything “Awesome?” Is “awesome” better than “super?” Can something be “super awesome?”
Why is every event “Epic?” Epic used to describe an adventure that is heroic or legendry. How the heck is a night out drinking “heroic” or “legendary?” Thanks to the “How I Married Your Mom” TV show, even “legendry” is ruined.
If something is “Actually” Awesome” or an event is “Literally” “Epic,” how do we communicate that today?
While I am at it, why does the start to an answer to any question today start with “So.”
“Can you tell me where the bus stop is?”
“So, you go two blocks up and turn left one block.”
SO! Why SO?
I’m done, this post is literally too long and I am actually tired of writing. So, I am going to just stop.
I hope you like this post. I am TERRIFIED that you will not.
Wednesday, February 19, 2020
When Being Bad Pays Off
Mrs. C left me last week. She took a few days in the sun with her friends. I was not invited. She returned Yesterday.
While she was away, I decided to lose some weight. For five days, no sugar, ok, a little honey in my coffee, otherwise no sugar, no bread, no alcohol, and several days at the gym.
I picked her up last night at the train station. She took the train to the plane. It was after six so we decided to go to a favorite little Italian Restaurant for dinner.
This restaurant is a bring your own bottle restaurant. There is a liquor store next door. Ordinarily I buy a bottle of Merlot, and we buy several scratch-off lottery tickets. Unlike a certain former top of her class blogger from Missouri, we never win anything on the scratch-offs. Once we got our five dollars back.
Tonight, I was going to forgo that tradition as part of my weight loss regimen is alcohol avoidance. Mrs. C does not drink, but she does like scratch-offs.
“Aren’t you going to get some wine?”
“I’m trying to avoid alcohol to lose some weight.”
“Though” temptation was starting to poke me, “I know you like the scratch-off tradition, maybe I could nurse a bottle for just a glass or two.”
Temptation won. I bought the wine, and Mrs. C spent $10 on two scratchers.
The restaurant was empty. Our regular waitress was not there, the guy making pizzas in the back doubled as our server.
Normally I tease the waitress that her tip is going to be based on our luck with the scratchers. I did not feel as flirty with the behind the counter pizza maker. He was a nice guy and a good server, but pizza dough all over his apron, and a bit sweaty from working around those hot pizza ovens and I didn’t feel flirty…that and he was a dude.
Anyway, dinner was delicious. When we finished, Mrs. C attended to the tickets while I got the bill.
“Oh, we got our money back on the first ticket.”
“Big deal, you’ll just flip that for another and there goes the five bucks.”
“Maybe…whoa this one looks good.”
“Wait, I think…we have a double lightening bolt, I think we win all the scratch off money below them.”
So, giving into temptation paid for dinner, the wine, the tickets, twenty dollars for a ‘Powerball’ chance and ten dollars left over.
“Ten dollars left over and still a chance at the big money lottery, not bad.”
“You should probably give the ten to the regular waitress the next time we go.”
It’s good to spread karma around.
Tuesday, February 18, 2020
Well It Wouldn’t Start For Me!
“Well, it wouldn’t start for me!”
What man has not heard this from his mom, sister, girlfriend, or wife?
Car won’t start, power tool doesn’t work, faucet won’t turn, lock won’t unlock, any number of items that will not work, and a woman will turn to a man for help.
Invariably when the car starts, the tool works, the faucet turns or the lock unlocks on man's first try the woman will say, “Well it wouldn’t start for me!”
RT- Not Mrs. C, she revels in starting things and fixing things.
Men do not mind this piece of female incompetence. We generally find it endearing. Outside of assisting in procreation, we serve no other purpose in life if not for starting things that won’t start.
Yesterday something happened that may force me to sit when I pee.
Preparing for bed, I accidentally knocked over a glass of water that was on my night table. I say “accidentally” because I was stone cold sober. There was a time in my inebriated past where knocking stuff over was so common that it could not really be ruled “accidental.”
A half cup of water spilled onto the floor, and some landed on my surge protector power strip which had my computer charger plugged in.
“Oh well” I thought, “The surge protector was not on. No harm no foul.”
I blotted up the water, dried off the surge protector and the prongs to the computer charger. I flipped on the surge protector, and there were no sparks…bullet dodged.
Then I checked my computer which was badly in need of a charge. It was not charging.
I tried plugging my phone and it started charging. It was not an issue with the surge protector. I removed the charger adapter and made a direct connection to the surge protector…no Bueno. I blew dried all connections. Still not good. I fiddled with the connections. No good.
I gave up and spent the rest of my night on my crappy backup computer. I slept crummy as I was pissed off that a simple spill would somehow fry my charger.
In the morning I tested the charger again; every way from Sunday. Still it was not charging.
Off I went to the “Geek Squad.”
I brought the computer and the charger, hoping that they would have an adaptable charger and I wouldn’t have to order one through the internet. I wanted my good computer and I wanted it now.
The geek squad dude took the computer behind that curtain they have where they play “Wizard of Oz” and you can’t see them mess with your stuff. He came back with a slight smirk on his face.
“Works fine with our charger, let me try with yours.”
“OK, but I’ve tried several times.”
“Hmm, it seems to be charging OK now.”
“What? Well it wouldn’t start for me!”
At least now the toilet seat will always be down.
Monday, February 17, 2020
Reaching way back to the days of my once a week babysitting duty, this re-run is from February 2015
I arrived at my son’s house last Tuesday at around 7:00 PM in order to be ready for my toddler sitting duty on Wednesday. My son was in the basement playing with the Crankettes and my DIL was in the family room asleep on the couch. I did not announce my arrival.
I let sleeping mommies lie.
I let sleeping mommies lie.
Apparently others do not.
Within a few minutes the littlest toddler came upstairs. I could see him heading right for DIL. I tried to head him off.
“Connor, what do you want? Maybe I can help. Don’t wake your mother.”
“I need mommy, it’s impotat.”
I left him alone. Maybe it was something where only a mommy would do; otherwise he would have just asked his father downstairs. It might be something he is embarrassed about, like a poopie, or a peepee problem that only a mommy could help.
The littlest toddler tugged DIL awake.
“Mommy, can I have a pwetzl?”
“CONNOR! I can get you a pretzel; you don’t have to wake your mother.”
DIL stirred slightly,
“Grandpa Joe will get you a pretzel. Thank you Grandpa Joe.”
She was back asleep. Connor got his pretzel.
Minutes later, little foot steps are heard climbing out of the basement.
“Cole, what do you want? Don’t wake your mother.”
“What is it?”
He runs to DIL and shakes her awake.
“Mommy, can I have a pretzel too?”
“COLE!! I’ll get the pretzel for you, let your mommy sleep.”
“Thank you Grandpa Joe.”
Moments later I hear more clomping up the stairs. It is my son. Before he sees me or his sleeping wife,
“Devon! Do you know where the popcorn bowl is?”
“Matt! She’s sleeping!”
“Oh hi dad didn’t know you were here yet. Sorry Dev.”
“It’s ok; I’ll get the popcorn bowl. I can sleep tomorrow.”
I doubt it.
Sunday, February 16, 2020
Stupid Headlines 021520
|No they tell me!|
This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sometimes sophomoric comments.
Extremely obese' owl released back into wild after being put on strict diet – Owl was ordered to only eat sugar-free, gluten-free, low-fat mice.
How to change a flat tire safely – “Hello, Triple A…I have a flat tire.”
India residents surprised to find beer, brandy, rum mixture coming out of kitchen faucets – Surprised, but not disappointed.
Canadian businessman says he burned $1M in cash to avoid paying ex-wife child support – This Hoser is trying to hose her. I bet it doesn’t work.
Colorado college will start offering a cannabis major in the fall – WOW, a PHD in POT! The school’s motto is “Quisque Dudus.” *
Everything you need to know about haute couture – I’m 74 and do not even know what haute couture is, so apparently, I don’t NEED to know anything about it.
Biden calls voter a 'lying dog-faced pony soldier – Please vote for this guy, he is funnier than SNL.
Ford thinks people will be making-out and eating shrimp in the electric Mustang Mach-E – “Making-out and eating shrimp” all good, but not sure at the same time.
East Brunswick, NJ Shuts Down Road For Salamander Migration – Years ago I was always late for work during damn salamander migration season!
Twitter praises couple's unique marijuana-themed baby names – To each his own, but “Pothead” or “Doobie” would not have been my first choices for a name.
Warren Buffett just lost $1 billion in 2 days – That’s a lot of money, but I’m still not going to give to his “GoFundMe” page!
FEEL GOOD STORY OF THE WEEK
Delta reunites girl with missing doll of military dad – A rare feel-good story involving an Airline.