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Thursday, November 30, 2017
No Wonder I’m Tired
The other morning, I stepped on the bathroom scale and the digital dial did a dance. It bounced between 195 and 201 for about a minute until it finally settled on 196. Great! I’ve lost the five pounds I put on this summer. To be sure I stepped on the scale again. This time the digital dance stopped at 202. Crap!
“I think the battery on the scale needs changing.”
“It’s fine, it works for me.”
I love this, Mrs. C thinks I’m too stupid to know when a battery is going bad.
“Let me rephrase that. I’m changing the battery, it is going bad, the digital dial is dancing and the weight keeps changing. Fine that it works for you, you can use the old battery, I’m putting in a new one.”
But that is not what this post is about, it is about how much your clothes weigh.
When I changed the battery that afternoon and stepped on the scale, it did not dance, but went straight to 207.
What? Crap, I gained at least five pounds with the new battery. I double checked…207.
Well I usually weigh myself in the morning with just my shorts, so I took off my jeans, belt, and pullover shirt. I stepped on the scale. 200. Holy crap! I stepped again to test and bingo, 200.
I had no idea that I plod through life carting 7 pounds of clothes. No wonder I’m tired.
The last time I went to the doctors, I slipped off my shoes before stepping on the scale.
“No need to do that, shoes don’t make much difference.”
Are you kidding me?
The doctor makes some diagnosis based on weight, but shoes don’t make much difference? Hell, with my shoes, jeans, belt and shirt there is almost 10 pounds. I don’t want to be taking a pill based on a diagnosis that fails to consider a five percent error in my weight.
Next time I go to the doctor I’m taking off my pants and shirt along with my shoes. As a matter of fact, if I am at home, I’m going pant less to save energy from lugging around 10 unnecessary pounds.
Pants, belt and shirt weigh 7 pounds. Who knew?
No wonder I’m tired.
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
I Am Genderly Confused
If you are gender sensitive, please skip this post. I feel a little humor is a step toward accepting differences.
I long for the good old days. The days when you were a man, a woman, or, just a whispered, “You know.”
Some years after I graduated from college I learned the “You know” were gay people; gay men, lesbian women. Who knew, I didn’t.
After a few years of “You know” coming out, I learned “You know” were just like everyone else except for that preference thing.
Up until recently I was feeling pretty good about understanding and accepting sexual preferences. It is a good thing for “You know” to be accepted and as a society we are getting there.
But now I am very confused again.
I was ok with the two genders, and gender preference. Male, female, gay, straight, bi. Easy-peasy.
Male interested in women. Straight man
Male interested in male. Gay man
Female interested in men. Straight woman
Female interested in women. Lesbian
Male/Woman interested in both men and women. Bi
Gender identification has recently been added to the mix.
Now it gets complicated:
Male feels-like a woman interested in women. Is that a malesbian?
Female feels-like a man interested in men. Is that Lesbegay?
Male feels-like a woman interested in men. A galady?
Female feels-like a man interested in women. Gayesbian?
Man feels-like a woman interested in men and women. Bimalesbian?
Woman feels-like a man interested in men and women. Bilesbegay?
It boggles the mind.
Can a straight man date a Lesbegay? Or Does a Lesbegay date a malesbian?
Would a lesbian date a malesbian?
Would a Lesbegay be compatible with a Gayesbian?
There are so many variations…it is so complicated.
It is all too much. Throw in sex change operations and my head explodes.
I am glad I am just a straight man.
However, I do watch “Say Yes to the Dress,” and "Dancing WIth the Stars," I am disturbed by the new awful green uniforms of the Seattle Seahawks, I had quiche the other day and liked it and still have a thing for Meredith Baxter Birney even thought she changed teams…
Is it possible to be a man who feels gay but likes women?
Do I need to start a new category?
I am Genderly confused.
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
Why Bother with Grammar?
When I was a young man, teaching grammar in school was a waste of time.
Let out that air I hear you old folks sucking in all aghast*.
Yes, it was a waste of time, because no one uses it today. Incorrect grammar today is glossed over because we don’t want to offend young people. (anyone under 60)
“I had went to my mom house.”
In the olden days, this would have been corrected at home, school or on the job.
“Excuse me, I believe you mean to say that “you had gone to your mom’s house.”
In the old days learning would take place.
“Oh, I have been saying it wrong? Thank you for correcting me”
“No! I had went to my mom house…you be racist!”
“But you’re white.”
“You still be racist!”
So, our young people go through life sounding stupid because no one is willing to correct their (they) grammar. They will never get a job that pays more than minimum wage, but they will not be insulted.
Besides, much of what we were taught in school was either wrong or useless.
When is the last time you have been asked to diagram a sentence?
What about the spelling rule “I before E except after C, or sounds like ay as neighbor and neigh.”
This is a great rule except it is wrong about 40% of the time. Also, is “Neigh” even a word? In my life I have never read, written or spoken the word “Neigh” except in that stupid worthless spelling rule.
How about, “Never end a sentence with a preposition?” This is also a bull crap rule that elitist love to throw at you. The rule should be “Never end a sentence a preposition with, if it sounds stupid.”
I.E. “What are you doing that for?” Does not sound stupid. “Why for are you doing that” sounds stupid.”
I say, no more rules! If It is now alright (all right?) to conversate, then anything goes. Don’t worry about tenses, we probably know what you mean. Commas and punctuation are for sissies. The possessive “’S” is a waste of an apostrophe and a letter; we probably know what you mean.
Speaking “correct” English grammar is elitist and racist. Sounding like a complete idiot who never bothered to attend school is cool. Don’t correct your children’s grammar, encourage them to sound stupid.
The day will soon come when someone will say, “The other day I went to my mother’s house.” And they will be shamed with, “You mean ‘You had wented to you mom house’ doncha.”
Enough with grammar, why teach what is a moving target.
“Forsooth perchance thou meant to relate ‘Thou hath gone forth to the house of your Mother.’”
*Just to be clear, this is satire, and yes, I expect there to be a few grammatical errors that need to be corrected…have at it.
Monday, November 27, 2017
I am, by nature, a skeptic. I once saw a circus elephant disappear in a puff of smoke right before my eyes. Magic right? But I know it was a trick. I don’t know how, but it was a trick, an illusion, a good one, but not real, not magic. I don’t believe in magic. Well I didn’t, until recently.
In our kitchen we have a sugar bowl, a coffee can, a rack for Krups coffee cups, a container of coffee creamer, and a shaker of cinnamon. I am the only one in the house that drinks coffee. Mrs. C does not use sugar, creamer or cinnamon. I have coffee every day. I have creamer and sugar with my coffee. I often have oatmeal in the morning and I use cinnamon in my oatmeal.
Whenever the sugar bowl gets low, I make a mental note to refill it tomorrow. When the coffee can is scraping bottom or we are low on Krups coffee cups, I plan to refill and restock tomorrow. If I have just enough coffee creamer for my morning addiction, I try to remember to refill the container…tomorrow. Today I used all of the remaining cinnamon for my oatmeal. I will have to refill it tomorrow.
In my house tomorrow never comes. Every morning the sugar bowl has either just enough for my morning cup, or it is full to the brim. The coffee can always has enough coffee to meet my needs, the Krups rack never goes empty and the creamer never completely runs out.
It can’t be Mrs. C refilling all these items, she never uses them. How would she know they were running short? No way. It is obviously magic. We have a magic kitchen.
Tomorrow I plan on having oatmeal for breakfast. Am I concerned that we are out of cinnamon? I should be, but somehow that shaker will be full.
Sunday, November 26, 2017
Stupid Headlines 112617
It’s time again for
The animals may want a second opinion
STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY
This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.
North Korea bans drinking, singing, punishes officials for 'impure attitude' – Sound like a fun place. I’m pretty sure half the country is starving, is not thinking about booze, and there is nothing to sing about. I really feel sorry for the officials, I think ‘impure attitude’ means “Don’t ever think about drinking or singing.”
Trump pardons Thanksgiving turkeys Drumstick and Wishbone – This Fox News headline left out the full names of Boris Drumstick Rustakov and Nikita Wishbone Yeltsanetskya.
Woman jailed after inmate boyfriend dies of meth-laden kiss – Literally “The Kiss of Death.”
300 gallons of Vermont maple syrup reportedly ruined by ‘disturbed individual’ with an ax – What ever they charge this guy with, I’m sure it will stick!
Olive Garden fans to name baby after the restaurant – Baby will be called “ImitationItalianfood.”
Angry 'McDonald's nuggets' man charged with DUI after ordering 200 hash browns – Who knew you couldn’t drive after eating Mc D’s hash browns…what the hell kind of hash does Mc D’s use?
Rocket launch will prove Earth is flat, California man says – Let’s see, you can fly east from New York and go to Tokyo, or you can fly west from New York and go to Tokyo…Dude, it is not flat!
Philadelphia woman, 86, charged in armed bank robbery – Woman was caught fleeing 20 yards from the bank when a quick-thinking teller was able to identify her walker.
Florida man tried to break into car filled with cops – And this is the State that determined our 43 President!
Budweiser sending barley to space in hopes of learning how to brew beer on Mars – And I thought the flat Earth dude was nuts!
Battle erupts over control of Charles Manson estate – What kind of world do we live in that this piece of crap has anything to leave anyone?
The Feel-good Story of the week:
Man who saved 669 kids from Death Gets a Tearful Surprise on TV. – I Facebook stumbled on this, it is an old story, but a good one.
Come back again next week for more
STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY
Friday, November 24, 2017
Isn't Today Saturday?
Mrs. C generally works on Thursday nights. She did not work this Thursday, apparently it was Thanksgiving.
I say apparently, because we have our Thanksgiving meal on the Sunday before. We have it the Sunday before because so many family and friends have other plans for the real Thanksgiving. This way no one has to make a difficult choice or do that every other year thing.
We did have a small bird to ourselves on Thursday, but it did not feel like Thanksgiving.
All week it has seemed strange hearing people talk about Thanksgiving, when to us Thanksgiving was over. Today, all day we have been confused. We turned on the TV this morning expecting a Saturday schedule, and found “Leave it to Beaver.”
“Is it Friday or Saturday.”
“I don’t know, I’m confused.”
Later in the day we turned on the TV to watch Jeopardy.
“Why is there football on a Friday, or is it Saturday?”
“I don’t know, I’m confused too.”
“Apparently Saturday comes on a Friday this week.”
Wednesday, November 22, 2017
A Thanksgiving Tradition
In 1963, my senior year in high school we played a football game on Thanksgiving. Westfield, NJ vs. Plainfield, NJ; the Blue Devils against the Cardinals. Plainfield was favored by 13 points. If I was not playing and was a betting man, I would have taken Plainfield and given the points as a lock.
The game took place only a few days after President Kennedy was murdered. There was thought of postponement, but it went on, one small example of the country moving on after that awful blow to our leadership.
Westfield won in an upset 14 to 12. My pops filmed this game along with all our games that year on 8mm. Years after, a Thanksgiving tradition became watching this film with my friend Charley “Ditmus” Widmer. I have since copied it to DVD. Charley put it on youtube.
The tradition continues after 54 years, confirming that we actually won that game.
Monday, November 20, 2017
Big doings around the Cranky home this past Sunday. We do Thanksgiving for family and friends Sunday before the real day. This means we start cleaning and putting stuff away around Wednesday. Come Friday, I clean up the bathrooms and save downstairs and kitchen clean-up for after most of the food prep is finished.
On Friday I was almost done with the master bath when Mrs. C came upstairs.
“Are you almost done?”
“I need to pee.”
“Use the down stairs bathroom, I’m saving cleaning that until tomorrow.”
“I’m already upstairs, what is the big deal?”
“I just finished with the toilet.”
“So, what? I can’t use the upstairs toilets until after Sunday? What about tomorrow when you clean downstairs, do I have to hold it in for a day?”
“No, but I just cleaned this toilet. I like to let the blue stuff sit for an hour or so before flushing.”
“Well I don’t feel like going downstairs to pee, and then climbing back upstairs again because I have to change to go to the store.”
“OK…So pee already! I’ll clean it again and add more blue stuff!”
Women, they just don’t understand toilet cleanliness.
The Deadliest Jobs
This re-run is from October 2011
All these careers can be treacherous, but there are other ways to make a living that might be even more dangerous than these accepted dangerous jobs. Listed below in order of their potential peril are the 10 most unappreciated dangerous jobs in the world:
1. A manager of McDonalds in New Delhi, India
2. A redheaded freckle faced drug dealer in the South Bronx, NYC
3. A dradle salesman in Iran
4. An underwater electrician
5. Any Al Qaeda leader
6. A supervisor in the US Postal Service
7. A bullet-proof vest tester
8. The quarterback for the Chicago Bears
9. A sky writer in China… (Think about it!)*
*Last time around people did not get this, which probably means it is only funny to me. The Chinese write from Top to bottom, not right to left. Seems to me this would make sky writing dangerous. Maybe it's just me.
Sunday, November 19, 2017
It’s time again for
STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY
This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.
Drunk Florida man arrested for driving lawn mower on highway – The road had been just mowed the day before!
Florida family awakens to man stomping on their roof – Apparently there was some Meth to his madness.
Florida man fights eviction over 'emotional support squirrel' – Florida…the stupid headline gift that just keeps giving!
Rare Leonardo da Vinci painting may sell for at least $100M in New York – I’m gonna take a pass. It is a very nice painting, but I just don’t have a place for it in my house.
Charles Manson in grave condition at California hospital – This is almost the Feel-Good headline of the week!
Professor draws ire for saying students will have to work hard and avoid drinking - A mental health campaign at the university said the message sent by the professor “could be extremely damaging to the mental well-being of the students concerned, and potentially others as well,” OMG!
McDonald's reveals plans to sell only humanely raised and slaughtered chickens by 2024 – It must be a difficult process to humanely slaughter a chicken as it apparently takes 5 years to figure out how to do it.
Airline apologizes after crew is filmed beating passenger on a tarmac – FU Air sincerely apologizes for filming the severe beat down we gave you last week. We understand the lighting was bad and intend to have the crew take film sensitivity classes.
GOP State Legislator Quits After Having Sex With a Man – What’s the big deal? He tried it and didn’t like it so he quit.
Germany supplants US as the country with the best global reputation – Just the friggin BMW drivers alone ruins the reputation with me.
30 Ugliest Sports Uniforms Ever Designed – Without a doubt, Seattle Seahawks has to be #1!
Feel-Good Story of the week:
If this doesn’t make you feel all warm and fuzzy, you have no heart:
4-year-old friends think they're twins because they 'have the same birthday'
Come back again next week for more
STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY
Saturday, November 18, 2017
A Cranky Announcement
For the last year or so, I have tried very hard to keep political commentary out of this blog. I may have failed from time to time, some issues are difficult to discuss without some political views slipping in, but it is my intent for this to be a political opinion free zone. If I slip and offer a political position, respectful rebuttals will be published, however unsolicited opinions will be deleted as I do not wish to be a forum for political venom and rhetoric.
There are a million political blogs in this here internet, if you wish to express a political view or pick a political battle, please choose one of those and not “The Cranky Old Man.”
If I have offended anyone with my opinions, political or otherwise, I am sorry, and if you choose to not follow my blog, I understand.
Friday, November 17, 2017
Bring Back The Slap
A cranky opinion for
CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY
The following is the opinion of an insensitive, cranky old man, with practically no social skills. Opposing opinions are welcome and probably make a lot of sense. As always, please, no name calling and that means you, you big stupid- head!
What happened to the slap? I recall as a young man, we watched not only our hands around young women, we watched our mouth and our eyes. Get caught stealing a peek…SLAP! Curse in front of a young lady…SLAP! Inappropriately touch a young lady…DOUBLE SLAP!!
We opened doors for ladies, we respected ladies. Oh, we leered when we could, and we spoke of sexual wants, but not in the presence of ladies. We respected ladies, and if we didn’t…SLAP!
In our 1960's college fraternity, when a brother's date entered the house, everyone was admonished, "Watch your mouth, a lady is in the house."
I know it is not my faulty memory. Watch any old movie from the forties or fifties. If a man gets out of line in these movies, if he steals a kiss, takes a peek or disrespects a lady…SLAP!
Somewhere along the way to women demanding equal rights with men, and with the dropping of many sexual walls, respect for women has changed and for some reason the “Don’t disrespect me” SLAP has been discarded.
I am certain that sexual abuse toward women has always been around, but it seems to be almost casual these days. Politicians, teachers, entertainers, every man in power seems to think it is OK to be sexually aggressive to women, and I’m pretty sure it is not just men in positions of power, they are just the ones who make the news.
In the olden days, much of this aggressive behavior would be returned with a hard SLAP. Men can be pigs, sometimes they need to be told in no uncertain terms where the line is, and words don’t always work. "No" does not always mean "no" to a clueless man. We do understand a SLAP.
Yes, times have changed, and men get mixed signals that they did not use to get. Women want to be treated as equals in all ways. Women compete with men in areas they did not compete before, and this is a good thing.
Women may not act as demurely as in days gone by. Women no longer “get the vapors” women do not use fake tears to get their way, they want to compete on an even footing with men. Perhaps that is why they no longer slap. Do today’s women feel above the need to slap? Do they feel the slap is demeaning? Do they feel that when a man gets out of line simply telling him is enough? It should be, but sadly it sometimes is not.
I do not mean in any way to put the blame for aggressive male behavior on ladies. There is no excuse for men crossing the line. We need to do a better job of teaching our boys how to behave as men, how to respect women.
But ladies, to help deliver the message of respect, bring back the SLAP. Some of us deserve it. Some of us need it, and not just a pity-pat; leave a hand print. Make it hurt!
Men, shape up. You need to stop the aggression, you need to respect women…all women. No means no, and a SLAP means HELL NO!!
Ladies, I apologize for all the pigs of my gender. You shouldn’t be put in uncomfortable positions, you deserve respect, but in the meantime…
BRING BACK THE SLAP!!
The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.