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Saturday, February 28, 2015



A cranky opinion for


The following is the opinion of an ignorant narrow-minded cranky old man with absolutely no expertise on the topic opined.  Opposing opinions are expected and will be ignored as I have no patience for anyone who disagrees with my backward thinking ass.  Still, please, no name calling…it is just not becoming or productive…and that means you, you big stupid-head!

I was not going to offer a cranky opinion this  Saturday.  I had nothing.  Then I read something about Climate Change and Climate Change Deniers.  Now I have an opinion.  Most of you can stop reading right now.  Just write me off as a Neanderthal, ignorant, non-thinking conservative jerk-weed and move on.

First off, I am not a Climate Change Denier, I am skeptical of many aspects of the Global Warming Debate.  Yes I am going to call it Global Warming, that way every time there is a tornado, a rain storm or a blizzard that causes any destruction around the world we do not blame it on “Climate Change.” The oldest written histories of the world all mention floods, storms, droughts, and other disasters, I’m pretty sure they came before the combustion engine.

Does Global Warming exist? By a great majority, most scientists say “yes.”  Some say “I’m not sure.” A small minority say “No.” Few of these scientists are experts in this particular science.  They are nothing more than really smart people called scientists.  Climatologists are the real experts.  Do our best and brightest scientists become Climatologists, or do they become doctors or chemists or physicists?  When we listen to Climatologists, are we listening to the equivalent of podiatrists* of the doctor world?

The Global Warming Theory does make sense, even to a backward Neanderthal jerk like myself.  I know empirically that when stuff is burned, stuff around the combustion gets warmer.  We burn a lot of stuff in this world; probably it will make the climate warmer. 

I know that when I am in a forest, it seems cooler than when I am in an open area.  My guess is the trees offer shade and provide cooling moisture and oxygen.  We cut down a lot of trees; it cannot help but make the planet warmer.

Makes sense, the planet is probably getting warmer.  Am I skeptical about the statistics?  Why yes I am.  Who collects the data, where did it come from one hundred years ago; before computers, telecommunications, accurate instruments and people that even gave a shit?

OK, global warming probably exists to some degree and if not a direct cataclysmic threat, it will certainly change our environment, I don’t like that idea, but it is not a new concept to this planet.  The climate seems to change a lot even without our influence. 

What should we do about it? Stop burning stuff? Oil, coal? Where do we get power, because we are NOT going to give up power, and even if we do other countries will not. 

How about power from wind?  Fine with me, but lots of rich people don’t like how it ruins their view, plus some people don’t like how birds, particularly endangered raptors tend to fly into those giant propeller things and get chopped in half.

OK then, Solar Power, that is fine with me as well.  But then there is that bird thing again.  Giant solar farms seem to be generating so much heat that they incinerate birds that fly overhead.

You know what; screw the birds, screw the view, and do whatever it takes in this country to stop burning stuff.  Let’s have our cars get 100 MPG, run stuff with electric or atomic power (scientists tell us nuclear power is completely safe and we believe all scientists, except maybe those from Chernobyl or Three Mile Island) let’s have a carbon tax (That should be easy to enforce and not too subject to fraud), let’s do everything the scientists and politicians who know what is best for us tell us to do.


Hear that… “Plop!” That is the drop of water that just fell into a giant bucket of water.

I am not a denier! I am a skeptic.  I am skeptical of an issue of science that has become primarily a political issue.  It is an issue that is used to scare us into decisions that may not be practical or in our best interests; a political position that offers no solution, only pompous posturing in order to win elections and fill the pockets of special interests.

If burning stuff is reducing oxygen and polluting us with warming carbon dioxide, then let’s fix the problem.  Conservation is not going to do more than postpone the coming destruction of the planet the experts claim is on its way.

Band-aid solutions are a joke.

Let’s really put the scientists to work.  Let’s put our energy and capitol into develop technologies that take the carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere and make oxygen and water out of it.  Let our smart people invent stuff to solve the problem.  Hell, can’t we invent a process to do what a tree does?  Can only God create photosynthesis? Many scientists don’t believe in God. They believe that  science can create anything that some people think comes only from God.  Go ahead then, solve the problem intellectually, use science to solve the problem.

I think that if there is a Global Warming problem it can be solved by new scientific advances.

If you disagree, are you a skeptic of our ability to have scientific advances, or are you a Scientific Advance Denier?

Now excuse me while I drag my stupid, un-thinking, conservative, cranky old ass back into my cave before you all beat me up.

The preceding is the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

*Calm down foot people, but please, who goes to med school and chooses as his first choice Podiatrist? 

Friday, February 27, 2015


When it comes to all the Big Pharmacy Companies, there is a lot to complain about.  I am sure you can also include little pharmacy companies in these complaints.

Drugs cost almost nothing to manufacture, but the companies charge us a fortune for them.

Some alternate medical treatment is disregarded if it cuts in on sales of successful (profitable) drugs.

Companies do not develop drugs for little known unprofitable diseases.

Big Pharmacy companies lie about the benefits and the side effects of their drugs.

Big Pharmacy companies use four year old children from third world companies to make their pills.

Big Pharmacy companies test their drugs on Labrador puppies.

Some of these complaints may not be true.  Some are true but there may be mitigating circumstances such as exorbitant costs to develop and test their drugs.

I have one complaint that receives very little attention, but is typical of Drug Company’s disdain for society and the well being of the world’s citizens.

All the drug companies, every one, have a drug that cures or protects at least 8-10% of everyone who uses it.  Think of it, one drug, taken once a day that has absolutely no side effects and will protect at least 8% of the world from every disease or condition known to man and will cure 8% of everyone suffering from any disease known to man.

This drug will cure baldness 8-10% of the time.  It is not released as it will cut into the sales for Rogaine. 

This drug is proven to cure sexual dysfunction problems in 8-10% of people treated with it.  It will not be released as it will cut into the profitable sales of Viagra.

Will this drug cure cancer?  In 8-10% of people treated with it…YES!  But it is not profitable, so it will not be released.

In every drug ever tested, this formula is successful in at least 8-10% of the group it is given to.

There is no excuse for this drug to not be offered on the market.  The heck with profits, the good of the many is at stake.  Just imagine the reduction in healthcare costs if 8-10% of all diseases or medical conditions can be cured or avoided.

I for one have had enough of this injustice.  I demand the immediate over-the-counter release of this drug not today, but YESTERDAY!

Big Pharma profits be damned. 

Release the miracle drug…Placebo!

Thursday, February 26, 2015


Why do women always have to know where a sporting event is being played?  A woman walks in the room while a game of any sport is on the TV and they always ask,

“Where is this being played?”

Generally as soon as a woman finds out where the game is being played she asks two more questions and then just walks out of the room.

I used to think women wanted to know so they could see what the weather was like in another part of the country.  Apparently that is not true because they will also ask at a basketball game.   They can’t learn anything about the weather in an indoor venue.

Then I thought, maybe they want to know which team is the home team, even though they usually don’t know who is playing;  that is their  second question, followed by who is wearing the blue uniforms.  Then they leave the room.

Recently I was watching a bowling tournament (don’t judge, there is nothing else but meaningless basketball games and figure skating this time of the year) and Mrs. C asked me,

“Where is this being played?”

“I don’t know where it is being played.  What is the difference?  You can’t tell anything about the weather, and there is no home team…it’s bowling.”

Now comes the kind of woman’s response that forever has me scratching my head:

“You never know, I might see someone in the crowd that I know.”


 “Depending where the match is being played, I might know someone who is watching… and it drives me crazy that you don’t even know where they are.”

“This is bowling, there are about 75 people watching, there is no crowd,” and why is it so important to know where these bowling lanes are? They throw a ball at a bunch of pins, do you think they have to factor in the humidity and stuff.”

“You’re a jerk!”

Hint: The name of the team is on their jerseys, the logo on the field will tell you where the game is being played, the blue team will have their name on the shirts, and if it is bowling,

“Who gives a crap?”

Wednesday, February 25, 2015


When I graduated from college, I bought a brand new VW Bug.  It cost $1600. It listed for less, but I paid extra for a radio and undercoating.  I put down $200, my pop paid the rest.  When I got a job, I gave him $200 a month and it was fully paid for by Christmas.

My 1968 bug had 53 horsepower and could reach speeds of almost 65 MPH…80 if going downhill.  The air cooled engine never overheated.  The rear engine positioned extra weight over large (for the size of the car) rear drive tires, giving it excellent traction in the snow.  The Bug got me through high water (they claim the damn thing could float) and heavy snow.  I never got stuck.

The best thing about the Bug was it was a friendly car.  It was cute.  It was unintimidating.  I was never challenged to drag race at a stop light.  The Bug had a friendly horn, a cute little beep-beep.  I used the horn often, and no one ever shot me that middle finger salutation.

My Dad bought a VW Bug in 1955.  There were almost no Bugs on the road in 1955.  Whenever you did pass another Bug, both cars would respond with a beep-beep greeting.  In 1968, when I bought my Bug, there were millions on the road.  I passed other Bugs all the time; still the beep-beep tradition was followed.

I think the best thing about my Bug is it was an anti-road rage car.  It was impossible to get angry at the Bug.  When I went up a hill and couldn’t go faster than 50 MPH, the cars behind would never get angry.  They knew it was not my fault, it’s a Bug!

I miss my Bug; I sold it for $50 when it was twenty four years old and it was still running as good as ever.  Well almost as good as ever.  To this day I am still sorry I sold it.

The world was a better place when the Bug was in production.  With the Bug off the road, driver courtesy has disappeared.   The road has not been the same since the piece-sign painted, plastic-daisy on the antennae Bugs left it.

My roots are half German.  I am told the German people are a strict, rigid, serious people.  The Bug was the exact opposite of those stereotypes.

Germany gave us Hitler, but it also gave us THE BUG.


Tuesday, February 24, 2015



My son is a prankster.   He has fooled me with fake lottery tickets, fake poker hand set ups, tall stories and such stuff.  He loves to video pranks and capture people's faces when they are startled. 

He did not get this trait from me.  I like to joke, I like to laugh, but I am not so big on practical jokes and scaring the beejeepers out of people.

He got this from his mom.  His mom’s favorite day of the year is April first.  She would “April Fool” people all day long.  She got me several times every April first, and I’m sure she April fooled the children all day as well.

Anyway, my son loves this kind of stuff and guess what; KARMA is in fact a bitch.

He has a Go-Pro thing and takes videos of just about everything from workout instructions, nutrition suggestions for kids, pranks, and yes, working on his car.

My Crankette grandson has his grandma’s practical joke DNA, and has learned a few tricks from his dad.

This  40 second video captures the truth in the saying “Karma is a Bitch!”

Thank you Karma!

Monday, February 23, 2015

The Tunnel Competition of 1966 - a cranky re-run

The Tunnel Competition
This re-run from February 2013 had very few hits. 
I like it so I am running it again anyway.
That is what re-runs are all about.

 Finding a summer job during my college years was not easy. I was fortunate that my best friend Charlie (Chuck, Ditmus) Widmer had a contact.  His cousin owned a fertilizer/pest-control company, “Andrew Wilson.” Their motto was “Why Bugs Leave Home.”   They sold their product mainly to large estates and golf courses.  His cousin was expanding into the underground sprinkler business and Chuck got me a job as an installer.

Charlie’s cousin, Drew (we referred to him as Mr. Big) knew almost nothing about the business, but lack of knowledge never stopped Mr. Big.  He was the kind of a guy who would tell people he could do something and then learn how while doing it.

One of the other “installers,” Paul, was the son of a friend of Mr. Big.  Paul was as dumb as a stump, and just as lazy.  Mr. Big thought he was great.  Paul was a good looking kid.  He once got a modeling job for a shaving cream company.  His big claim to fame is he made the back cover of Time Magazine in an ad.  Somehow Mr. Big thought this made him smart.

Paul was so stupid; he once went to the Doctor complaining of constant pain in his balls.  The doctor determined that Paul, who had been engaged for over a year, was often demonstrating his affection for his fiancé but never to completion due to his religious beliefs.  The doctor told Paul that he needed to “Find some release, or he would continue to be in pain.”  Paul told us he didn’t know what the doctor meant.

Charlie explained it gently to Paul, “You need to do what you are.”


“Jerk off... jerkoff!”

In the summer of 1966, business was slow.  Mr. Big did not have enough sprinkler jobs to support his full crew.  One of us would have to be laid off.  It was not going to be Charlie. Charlie knew the situation, Paul and I did not. 

The toughest job in the installation process was getting pipe under a driveway or walk.  On the day of the "competition," Mr. Big assigned Paul and me to tunnel under a ten foot wide driveway, a bitch of a job.  Charlie and Mr. Big left together for another job site.  Before they left, Chuck whispered ominously in my ear, “Dig mother-fucker!”

Now Paul was not that bright, and he was lazy, but I might not have been the most productive worker myself.  Hell, we were paid $1.35 an hour for a back-breaking job so we did not always work full bore.  This day, I put the pedal to the metal.  I didn’t know the full score, but Charlie’s comment was clearly a warning.  Putting two and two together I suspected this tunnel dig represented a competition.

Paul and I started digging, both on opposite sides of the driveway.  It was a ninety degree day and there was no shade.

“Hey Hagy, you up for a water break, no one to see.”

“Ah, you go ahead, I’ll catch a break later.”

“Hey Hagy, slow down, this driveway ain’t goin nowhere.”

“Yeah, well I need the exercise, you take a break, I won’t say nothing.”

This went on for three hours, Paul taking water breaks, stopping to wipe his brow and just resting and talking.  I continued to plod away taking only an occasional short break.

At noon, Mr. Big and Charlie drove up and checked on our progress.  I had dug six feet on my side of the driveway; Paul had dug three and a half feet.  Charlie got out of the truck and Mr. Big told Paul to come with him.

“Nice fucking job Hinkus (I don’t know where that name came from), you won.”

“Yeah!…what was that?”

“Mr. Big has to let someone go.  He decided whichever of you two dug the furthest would keep his job.  Paul lost!”

We never saw dumb Paul again.

Back in college, anytime I had to cram overnight for an exam, the phrase “Dig mother-fucker” was the mantra that got me through.

Sunday, February 22, 2015



It is time again for
This would make introductions interesting!

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.

One headline may be fake.  Guess the fake and win a mention and a WHOOP-TEE-DOO.  None of the above may be a correct answer.


Utah woman seeks world record for catching bridal bouquets- So I guess the thing about catching the bouquet and being the next bride kinda doesn’t work.

Police chased tractor-trailer 34 miles, dodged thrown fridge – If the dude can throw a fridge, I imagine if the cops caught up to him they got their asses kicked!

Carjacker thwarted by confusion over stick shift – Some thieves are just no good in the clutch.

Surveyors to announce Washington Monument's new official, shorter height – It’s an age thing, I’ve lost an inch in 68 years, and I did not start at 555 feet.

American teenagers getting less and less sleep, study shows – This survey proves that either teens are getting less sleep, or they can’t tell time.

Wisconsin roads being thawed with cheese – It does melt snow, but drivers are warned to look out for the black mice.

Oscar Mayer Wienermobile crashes in Pennsylvania – It lost control and then went into a roll.

Krispy Kreme apologizes for ‘KKK Wednesday’ customer promo – Their “Really Hot Cross Bun” special was particularly offensive.

Utah court lets woman sue herself over fatal wreck – This should be a really easy out of court settlement.

New Jersey man created black ice to cover up drunken car wreck – “Sherioushly ossifer, who could see all thish blackenish isises?”

Wedding ends in brawl after bride marries guest instead of groom – It was a simple mistake, they were both wearing a black tuxedo.

Rare pearl found inside seafood stew worth over $10K – That is just absurd, who would pay over $10,000 for a seafood stew.


Last week’s fake was:

Six year old drives family pick-up truck into kitchen – “Well you said to bring in the groceries.”

And the winners:

Six year old drives family pick-up truck into kitchen--he would have been OK if hadn't run the red light in the dining room!!

Six year old drives family pick-up truck into kitchen. That's my pick this week.

If I’m ever on “Who Wants TO Be a Millionaire?” I want one of these ladies to be my phone a friend.

Check out fishducky @


Congratulate our winners, and come back next week for more


Saturday, February 21, 2015


Politics is simple
A cranky opinion for


The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with absolutely no expertise on the subject opined.  Opposing views are welcome.  They are welcome but will be ignored.  As always, please no name calling, and that means you, you knucklehead!

I know this should be “Whom Do You Trust?” but if it was good enough for Johnny Carson’s first show, it is good enough for me.  Actually I think the show was originally called “Do You Trust Your Wife?” but neither title has anything to do with this post.

My post today is about political positions.   

People today tend to label their political position as Liberal, Conservative, or Independent.  I choose to label politics in terms of who do you trust.

Liberals are “Government” trusters.   Government can pass laws to solve all problems and make everything fair.

Conservatives are “Business” trusters.  Business and free markets will best produce what people want and will eventually be forced to make all products safe and treat all people fairly.

Independents are verifiers.  They change who they trust based on whatever benefits them the most at any given time.  They trust only after  they verify that a policy is good for them.

Government trusters hate anything that comes as a result of business. They dislike people who have more than them and insist on regulating everything. 

Government trusters don’t have to think or research, they know that Wal-Mart is bad; anything not natural (organic) is bad; big Pharma exists to rip off the poor and anyone who disagrees is a non-thinking misogynistic, racist Neanderthal idiot. 

Government trusters are sarcastic and sure of themselves.  They use and or make up facts and statistics to win arguments.

Politicians from a district predominantly inhabited by government trusters will support a strong government.

Simple isn’t it?

Business trusters hate regulations. Regulations just get in the way of production.  Business trusters believe that if people do not succeed it is because they are lazy and they need to learn to fend for themselves.  Government should provide Armed Forces to protect the country from invasion, and build roads and stuff to make businesses more productive.  They believe that government is needed to build roads and stuff because often people do not recognize the better good for all and will not sell their property to allow for roads and “good-for-business” stuff.  Government then just takes over the property because…well because they can; also because the right palms have been greased. 

Business trusters do not have to think or research.  If government is involved and it is not to protest their property, or to take over other people’s property who are standing in the way of progress (their interests) it is a bad thing.  Anyone that disagrees is a bleeding heart Namby Pamby communist infiltrating anti-American traitor. 

Business trusters rely on  loud aggressive name calling to win an argument.

Politicians from a district predominantly inhabited by business  trusters will support a weak government.

Simple isn’t it.

Verifiers have to think and analyze everything.  Is it good for me? There is no need to help the poor, unless the poor are causing problems, then maybe we need to allow them to be just affluence enough to not be frightening.  Verifiers hate seeing the homeless, they make them uncomfortable.  Something should be done about that.  Legalize drugs? Well the ones they like, yes.  Equal rights for women?  Sure, if they have a daughter.  Racial equality?  As long as it doesn’t cost them their job.  Verifiers want safe food and cheap drugs and will vote for whoever can best deliver what they want.

Verifiers think almost everyone is wrong.  They avoid all political discussions.

Politicians from a district predominantly inhabited by verifiers will flip flop their positions as needed.

Simple isn’t it.

The final political position is the “what is best for everyone” group.  These people read, research and analyze every issue based on what is right, fair, safe and most productive for the most people regardless of how it will effect them as individuals.

A district predominantly inhabited by this group does not exist.

Simple isn’t it.

The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man, and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Do You Take This Name To Be Your Own

Do You Take This Name To Be Your Own

What does a wife do with her name these days when she marries?   It did not use to be an issue.  She would take the surname of her husband.  These days she has several choices.  She can keep her maiden name, take on her husband’s name or join the two with a hyphen. 

Many women don’t want to lose their maiden name as they have built up business contacts with that name. Changing their name could cost them connections, and or cause office confusion.

Some women don’t want to take on a new name as it somehow seems demeaning, as if they were simply property.  Hyphenating the name solves many of these issues, but can be cumbersome, and after a few generations the surname can get ridiculous.

Sometimes a woman will change their name simply because they like it better than their maiden name.  Both spouses having the same last name may simplify certain legal issues, and it is less confusing when children are involved.

My recommendation for women who don’t want to lose their identification for work purposes is to simply use your maiden name for business while legally changing it to their husband’s name to simplify legal issues.

Mrs. Cranky did not change her name when we married.  She did not want to go through the red tape of changing her driver’s license, her bank accounts and other documents.  She kept the name of her first husband.  

On social media she is known by her maiden name and her first married name.  At work she is legally a “Barboe” but many know her as “Hagy.” Many friends know her by her maiden name “Lavery” but remember to call her Barboe, and have to ask should it be Hagy.  This results in constant explanations of who, what, and why.

When she makes a hotel reservation, she uses her legal name Barboe. When we check in and I hand over my credit card name Hagy, we always get “That look” because of the different names.  We could offer an explanation to the clerk; I prefer he think we are both just fooling around on the sly.

It all gets so complicated these days, no matter what name you choose, maybe the best thing is for both spouses to change their name to some combination of both names.  Marriage is all about equality, that way both parties will be equally inconvenienced and confused.

Mr. and Mrs. Lavbohag

Sure both spouses will lose business contacts, friends will never find you on social media, and around the country old friends will receive Christmas cards and ask, “Who the frig are the Lavbohag’s?” but you won’t get the stink eye from hotel clerks.

Thursday, February 19, 2015


Mrs. Cranky has two running complaints about me.  One, she says I don’t pay attention to TV shows, and then ask her questions about what has happened in a show.  Two, she claims I constantly forget stuff.
Tuesday morning Mrs. C and I were watching “The Bachelor” on-demand from Monday night.  Monday night, we watched the finale of “Celebrity Apprentice” instead of “The Bachelor.”  During lulls in “Celebrity Apprentice,” Mrs. C flipped over to the “The Bachelor.”
While we were watching on -demand in the morning I was somewhat confused about what part of the show was new, and what had we seen last night while she was flipping.
“This part looks familiar; did we see it last night?”
“Are you all right, do you have a cold?”
“No, I’m ok…Achoo!”
“Did we see this part last night?”
“Did we see this part last night?”
“I don’t mean to bother you, I was just wondering if we saw this last night, it seems familiar, but it is not as if I can’t remember anything, it’s just you were flipping a lot last night.”
“It’s a simple question.”
“OH for crap sake, stop grilling me, I’m having a sneezing fit, can you just hold on to your incessant questions for one minute? If you paid attention you wouldn’t have to bother me all the time.  Holy Hannah, am I going to have to put you in a home?  You are such a jerk!”
I was shocked by this vicious reply to my simple question.
“I’m sorry Darling, I didn’t realize.  Are you OK now, my question really is not that important.”
OH Please…Wait just a minute, Mrs. Cranky here, this is what really happened.
Ok, we were watching last night’s “The Bachelor” on-demand. Every minute Joe keeps asking me questions:
“Who is the blonde?”
“I thought the one with the accent was sent home last week.”
“What did she say?  Why are they whispering?”
“How many times is Chris going to say “I’m not going to lie’?”
“Where are they now?”
I patiently answered every single question, and then I got a sudden sneezing fit.  When my head finally cleared this is what I heard:
“Did we see this part last night?  Why is that question so damn hard to answer?  If you weren’t flipping the channels last night I wouldn’t be confused.  Why can’t you answer a simple question?
“I’m sorry dear, I was sneezing and could not hear your question.  What is it again that you want to know?”
“Oh never mind, I’m sorry I bothered you, it’s not as if I can’t remember anything!  Forget it, I don’t like this show anyway, all the women look and sound alike…who friggin cares!”
“I’m sorry honey-bunch, I’ll try and not flip so much, and I will try and listen more carefully to your questions."
And that is what really happened!
That is not how I remember it.  Who are you going to believe, me or Mrs. Cranky?