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Sunday, June 30, 2013



It is time once again for:


Except in San Francisco*


This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments. 


One headline is completely made up.  Guess the fake and win a mention.


Georgia woman says state wanted her to prove her sex – Yeah that line never worked for me either.

Elderly New Jersey couple faces fine over bird feeder – Who knew there was an age limit to feeding birds?  

North Korea's iPad clone has a web browser, but can't connect to the internet  - Big deal, so just buy a newspaper an encyclopedia and a dictionary and you’re good to go.

Birdwatchers flock to see rare bird, then watch it killed by wind turbine – Carbon footprint / rare bird…kind of a tough trade-off!

Woman's 'foot orgasm' is first known case – Holy cow, have I been far off from finding “that” spot! Who knew?

Why You Should Take Stress More SeriouslyNow here is a great article, if you need to stress over stress!

Extremely rare jaguar spotted near Arizona mountainsDuh…if it is spotted, it’s a leopard not a jaguar.

Photographer Captures Great White Soaring 8 Feet Into The AirWell at least white sharks can jump.

Secret ingredient in “Superglue” turns out to be…Oatmeal! -  Any mom could have told you that.

100-Year-Old Grandma Graduates From Elementary School In Mexico- Women claims, “Those gazintas were a bitch!”


Last week’s fake headline was:

Texas woman arrested as suspected terrorist for taking pictures of Ranch Gates Why would anyone be taking pictures of gates?  She must be up to no good!  


           TexWisGirl said...

oh, i laughed and laughed out loud on the texas woman arrested for taking pics of gates!!! yup, that'll be me, someday! so i'm gonna have to go with that one as i've not been arrested...yet.

TexWisGirl is disqualified as this headline was about her, so do not visit her blog even though she always has great photo stories.

            fishducky said...

I'll go for Texas woman arrested as suspected terrorist for taking pictures of Ranch Gates.

Fran wins again, go visit her funny posts at:

           Stephen Hayes said...

Texas woman arrested as suspected terrorist for taking pictures of Ranch Gates. ---I think this one might be fake

Stephen finally wins one! Go visit his posts which are some of the best stories on the web @
*Relax gay people, it's just a joke!

Saturday, June 29, 2013



A Cranky opinion for cranky opinion Saturday

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man.  Opposing opinions are welcome (wrong, but welcome) please, no name calling, and that means you, you big stupid-head!

What is the hubbub?  Paula Deen admitted using the n-word thirty years ago in a deposition during a discrimination law suit.  There is some evidence of inappropriate behavior in the discrimination case, but the main issue seems to be that Ms. Deen admitted she once used the n-word. 

First of all, when will we grow up?  She said nigger.  It is an ugly word, but not so ugly that it can never be printed and we have to dance around like 4 year olds. “Ooh you said the n-word.” Who among us has never said nigger?  I’ve said it.  When? I don’t know, but I’m sure I’ve said it many times.

Actually, as a child before I even knew what "nigger" meant, it is what we caught by the toe after eemie, meenie, miny, moe.  

I’ve never said “I hate niggers.” I’ve never called anyone a nigger, I don’t believe I’ve ever referred to a person as a nigger, but I’m sure I’ve used the word.  I’ve used the words kike, wop, Pollack, mick, spick, wasp, fag, honky and towel head. 

Sometimes I’ve used these words in jokes. Sometimes I’ve used them because other people were using them.  I am not proud of it, but I will own up to it.  They are all mean words, and words can hurt.  A gay man once casually referred to me as a “breeder” and it bothered me as it was so demeaning. 

Hurtful words are not always an indication of what is in a person’s heart.  Some words are like bullets, dangerous, but only if aimed directly at someone.

Paula Deen used the n-word (nigger) 30 years ago following a traumatic incident in which an African-American man held Deen at gunpoint inside a bank where she was working as a teller. She said she believed she used the n-word when telling her husband about the incident.

I guess she should have told her husband that, “An African-American gentleman stuck a gun in my face today and wanted money.  I did not like this person, but not because of his complexion…pretty much it was the gun.”

Paula Deen’s problem is that she is a southerner.  She says “y’all” a lot.  She sounds like a racist.  That southern twang sounds racist.  Paula Deen is a southerner, she is famous and she once said nigger.  She is now poison, and sponsors are dropping her like a hot potato.

I am not a big Paula Deen fan.  I always thought she was an entertaining cook show host, but I will not really miss her shows or her endorsements.

She may be a racist, where there is smoke there is usually fire, but she should not be judged solely because she once used a word.

If that is the basis for a person to be branded a racist, then burn a big R on my A-word.  It is not in my heart, but I guess I am guilty, but I am guilty with a lot of people. 

Probably 99 percent of people in this country are also guilty though  half of them would say, “I’ve never said nigger…oops.”

The preceding has been the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.        

Friday, June 28, 2013



Where have all the old cars gone?  While driving around the other day, on the highway, through the streets and in the mall lot I noticed something, or I didn’t notice something, there are no more old cars on the road.  Well I am sure there are old cars, but they are hard to spot these days.

Years ago old cars were easy to spot.  Every car maker changed their designs each year.  There were only a few manufacturers, so every kid over age seven could identify any car by make, model and year.  If a car was old, you knew it was old and you knew exactly how old it was.

“Damn, look at that ’49 Ford coup…still running.  Man if I had that baby I would chop it, nose it, lower it, and add some duel exhausts.”

You could also tell old cars because they burned oil like there was no tomorrow.  From miles away you could spot (or smell) an old car. 

Old cars used to rust after about three years.  If you did not wash it, and wax it every week or two the old paint jobs would not hold up and old cars would rust away.  Apparently paint jobs today are far superior.  I had a red jeep for fifteen years.  I washed it by leaving it out in the rain, and never waxed it.  When I turned it in there was not a spot of rust on it.  When is the last time you heard the term “rust bucket?”

Some old cars used to have vinyl roofs.  These were really sharp looking for about two years.  After two years, even if you Armor-Alled regularly these tops turned to dust and underneath the rust came shinning through.

You used to be able to hear an old car from miles away.  It has been years since I’ve heard a car sputter or backfire.

What happened to old cars?  I think competition from abroad has forced manufacturers to improve their paint finish and technology has improved efficiency and dependability of engines.  Government regulations with respect to emissions and safety have undoubtedly taken “old cars” off the road and helped the development of better longer lasting cars.  Maybe it is good that government does sometimes force improvements down our throats.

I’m not complaining, merely observing.  I know there are plenty of old cars on the road, but they are just not as “old” as old cars used to be.   

Thursday, June 27, 2013


7…8…9…And New Jersey is up because

not so FUNTOWN

 But not by very much!

Mrs. Cranky, myself, and a revolving parade of sisters, nieces, children and grandchildren are down on the Jersey Shore for a well-deserved vacation from the world of retirement.

We have been bombarded by TV and radio promos that the Shore is open and vacationers are welcome because “We are stronger than the storm.”  On first glance that appears to be true.  Driving down rt. 35 to Mrs. Cranky’s Aunt’s house where we rent a ground floor apartment behind the garage, “The Shore” seemed unchanged.  Familiar landmarks were still present and seemed untouched by Sandy.  Then we passed the sign marking the entrance to Mantoloking. 

This is an area of beautiful mansions right up on the beach.  Now some people might be jealous of the owners of these mansions as they are out of the reach of 99% of the world.  I loved this area of fantasy beach homes.  They are beautiful; they set you a-dreaming.  I’ll never own the Empire State Building, or the Statue of Liberty, but they are mine to see and admire.  I felt the same way about the Mantoloking mansion row. 

It is no more!

I knew Mantoloking was devastated.  I saw it on TV; but driving by and seeing just sand where multi-million dollar homes once stood took my breath right away. 

As devastating as the loss of these fabulous homes is at least the owners are probably still rich!  That does not mean I do not feel for their loss, most of these people earned their treasure through hard work and risk taking, still as much as I feel for their loss, it was the ordinary beach homes that were lost that really choked me up.

All along the road to our summer retreat are small homes and tiny bungalows.  Most appear fine at first glance, but then you realize they are gutted from water damage and mold.  They probably cannot be replaced by their owners who face tougher building standards and higher insurance costs.  These homes were purchased by people of some means, but they were probably still bought on a shoestring and the owners relied on rentals to help defray the costs of their dream vacation home.

And then you see homes of yearlong residents. These are homes gutted and unlivable.  Where are these residents living?  Will they ever return to their little piece of heaven on the shore?  My heart goes out to them the most.

There seems to be no rhyme or reason to the destruction.  Some blocks, like the one where we rent, were untouched, while ten blocks to the south the homes are in ruin.

Is New Jersey stronger than the storm?  There is rebuilding all over.  There are also many houses for sale.  The boardwalks are back.  Businesses are reopening and there is a sense that yes the New Jersey Shore will recover and be better than ever.  Still there is much pain and plenty of sorrow.  The shore will recover, but many people’s lives will never be the same.

In the meantime, the beaches are not crowded and there is plenty of parking.  

There used to be a ride here
Lonely Dinosaur


Wednesday, June 26, 2013


So I’m on the beach all by my lonesome because Mrs. Cranky went to work, and the NC Crankettes are not due to arrive until 6 pm.  This old dude (I know, I think everyone is old and I’m still 28 even though I’m really 67.)
This old dude saunters up the beach and makes a crack about how no one is swimming when the water is so warm.  I’m thinking “Fuck you asshole the water is 62 and that is cold even in New Jersey.”
He dives in and is out in about 40 seconds and comes up to some lady he apparently knows and starts a conversation.  I am listening in because that is what I do. 
“Yada, yada, yada…home prices, yada, yada, yada, Sandy, Yada, yada, yada…construction, blah blah, traffic…blah, blah you’d think that yada, yada, yada…”
So I just about tune this blow hard out and I hear, “Well that is it with the hot weather, it is low 80’s now and there is rain every day for the next 8 days!”
Now my ears perked up.  First of all at the shore we crave hot weather.  If it is in the 90’s we can call home and brag about how cool it is by the water (I know shallow, but what can I say?) Second of all, with three Crankettes coming all the way from NC, I really don’t want to hear “RAIN!”
Damn, this jerk weed got me all depressed.  I had not heard the weather as we lost cable and internet yesterday (a whole nother story.)
I drag my butt back to our beach house…er beach room behind the garage…and check my i-phone.  The temperature is 91, and is not expected to go below 85 for the next week.  There are warnings for thunderstorms every day.
The weather report for the summer in New Jersey calls for a chance of afternoon thunderstorms EVERY DAY FROM JUNE TO SEPTEMBER!!! Why is this jerk weed telling the whole beach that the next 8 days will be a wash out? 
Why do people love to announce bad news when they don’t really have a clue?
If the water is so friggin warm you giant a-hole, stay in it for more than 40 seconds YOU BIG FRIGGIN BLOW HARD A-HOLE BAD NEWS SPEWING JERK!!
Did I mention I get extra cranky when I am without Cable TV and the internet?
Hey, I just got internet back…Never mind.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013



The rest of the story

Val the Victorian made a comment on my Saturday post “It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over” which jogged my memory of one of the most interesting events in sports come-from-behind victories.

The Heidi Bowl.

In November 1968, the New York Jets were playing the Oakland Raiders in a grudge football game.  I don’t remember if the game had any particular importance in the leagues standings, but these two teams were major rivals at the time and every game was for blood.  The game was being televised nationally on NBC.  The game was expected to end by 6:30 pm in the evening, giving ample time for a post-game show and a scheduled 7:00 broadcast of a highly publicized movie “Heidi.”


The game ran long.  It was high scoring and there were several injury timeouts.  With less than one minute to play, and the clock about to strike 7:00, the Jets were winning 32-29.  A three point lead was far from game over.  A field goal would tie the game up, so fans around the country were on the edge of their seats.

And then the unthinkable happened.

Non-football fans that tuned in to watch “Heidi” were alarmed that there was still a football game being televised.  These non-fans called into NBC to inquire if “Heidi” was going to be delayed.  These calls jammed the lines and a NBC executive’s call to keep the game on and delay “Heidi” did not go through.


With less than a minute to go and the Raiders driving to within field goal range, the opening of “Heidi” suddenly came on the screen. 

While a little girl was seen dancing in the hills of Switzerland, Oakland threw a 50 yard touchdown pass to take the lead over the Jets.  No one saw that TD and fans across the country were screaming at their TV sets.  Then, while Heidi was still twirling through the mountain flowers, the Jets fumbled the ensuing kickoff and Oakland returned it for another TD to make the score 43-32.

Football fans around the country were outraged, and this incident resulted in a TV directive to never pull away from a live event in favor of another scheduled program.

The Heidi game is well known in pro-football lore, but one point always seems to be left out of the story. 

The New York Jets were 7 point underdogs to the Raiders in this game.  When NBC cut to “Heidi,” half of the New York tri-state area had money bet on the Jets; bets that with the spread, looked to be a sure win.  Perhaps the Raiders might pull out a tie in that last minute, they could even, maybe, win the game, but never did anyone in all of New York, New Jersey and Connecticut think for a minute that they might lose their bet.  After all, with the spread they were leading by 10 points. 

When Oakland returned a fumbled kickoff for a touchdown with less than 30 seconds in the game, they also covered the spread and a lot of New York Jets fans lost a lot of money, and they lost this money while Heidi was dancing on the TV screen.

Much of the commotion and anger at the “Heidi Bowl” incident was not because fans missed the final exciting minute on TV, but was generated by superstitious gamblers who blamed “Heidi” on the Jets incredible failure to cover the spread when Oakland scored 14 points in less than a minute.

And now, thanks to Val the Victorian, you know, “the rest of the story!”   

Monday, June 24, 2013

THE NEW KID a Cranky re-run


This re-run is from June 2012

When I was growing up my family moved a lot.  No, we were not staying ahead of the bill collectors, my dad’s job required relocation about every four years.  In school, four years is about the time it takes to go from the “New Kid” to one of the gang.  I was always “The New Kid.”

The first thing that happens to the new kid in school is that all the losers want to be your friend.  When I say losers I mean kids that are different.  As an old man I have learned to appreciate people that are different.  In many ways I prefer people that are different.  As an eight year old or even a high school kid, hanging with kids that are different is poison.  You, the new kid, are immediately branded as “different.”  Different in school is a hard row to hoe.

Shedding the "different" image is not easy.  You are forced to be mean to the only kids that befriended you in the first few weeks of school.  This was a source of bullying when I was a kid; it is a source of bullying today.  The different kids try to befriend others and to shake the image of you yourself also being different you have to make it clear you do not associate with the different kids. 

At least you thought you had to.

I am sorry different kids.  I did not mean to be mean.  I wanted to fit in.  I didn’t want to be “The New Kid.”

To “Tubby” Thompson: You were not “Fat, fat the water rat.”

To “Four Eyes” Susan Smith: I wear glasses now and I know they suck.

To “Sparkles” O’Malley: I secretly thought your braces were really cute.

To Erick “The Spaz” Goldblatt: You threw like a girl, now you are a dentist.  I guess I was wrong.

To Jane “Bazooka Jane” Jablonski:  What the hell was I thinking?

To all the kids I was mean to:  I’m Sorry; being “The New Kid” sucked, but eventually I would fit in.  You were different all through school.

Sunday, June 23, 2013



It is time once again for:



Hey, hey...eyes up here!


This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments. 


One headline is completely made up.  Guess the fake and win a mention.



Experts Warn Eyeball Licking Trend Can Injure the Eye, Damage Sight – But is ok to do it until I just need glasses?

‘Colllege’ World Series opens with conspicuous misspelling on dugout – This is just sillly, I have loooked and loooked and I don’t see any missspelllings!

Biker culture comes to Vatican as Pope Francis blesses hundreds of Harley DavidsonsSo the Hell’s Angles now…ah…Saint Harley…er…Shoot, I’ve got nothing.  Seems like this headline should have a funny comment but…Anyone?

Alaska man, 63, charged with DUI on shopping cart – Man knocked over two-hundred cans of tomato paste when an officer told him to pull it over.

Texas woman arrested as suspected terrorist for taking pictures of Ranch Gates – Why would anyone be taking pictures of gates?  She must be up to no good!

Will California Let Boys Use Girls Locker Rooms? “Well yes, I look like a boy, but trust me in my mind I am a girl…could you pick up that soap for me please…thank you…now ah…where are the urinals?”

New Mexico woman unmasks robber to find grandson, police say – I wonder how many robbers she had to unmask before she found him?

Columbia's Cons: Ivy League social work program run by team of former prisoners – Charles Manson is slated to teach a course in Group Dynamics in a communal organization and the importance of delegating.

'Mickey Mouse' reinvented yet again in Disney's new animated shorts Mrs. Cranky has shopped all over for these animated Disney shorts, I told her I don’t want to be reinvented.

Ex-Yankees manager Joe Torre's daughter catches falling baby – The baby was fine until the ex-catcher’s daughter flung him to a manhole cover in an effort to double up a toddler.


Last week’s fake headline:

West Virginia woman freaks out over bad Drivers license picture, spills diet coke all over DMV worker – I think maybe the bad picture was due to the wacko in front of the lens!

And the winners are:

        TexWisGirl said...

i'm going with DMV photo this week. however, i read that the $23k ring was actually sold for $5 so maybe you're trying to sneak one over on us!

For great nature and fence photos see TexWis Girl

         fishducky said...

I think it's the West Virginia woman with the Deet Coke, because I don't think they drink the diet version there!! 

I’m going to stump her yet…go check out Fran’s blog  

Val said...

          I WOULD pick the $100 cigarette tax, but I think Bloomberg is wacky enough to come up with that.

I'm going with the West Virginia Diet Coke debacle. However...

        I thought, perhaps, this was a thinly-veiled vignette about ME. But I'm sure you would never, ever, refer to me as a wacko unless you've seen my actual driver's license photo. Besides, a Diet Coke is a terrible thing to waste on a DVM worker. And of course, I'm not from West Virginia.

Come on Val this WAS you…except you’re from Missouri…oops, my bad… Val writes some funny stuff over @

Saturday, June 22, 2013



A Cranky opinion for Cranky Opinion Saturday

The following opinion is that of a cranky old man, opposing opinions are welcome (wrong, but welcome) but please, no name calling, that means you, you big stupid-head.


So the Miami Heat snatched victory from the jaws of defeat in game six of the NBA championship series.  I missed it.  I am not a big fan of the NBA.  If the Knicks were playing I would watch, but otherwise not so much.  I will probably watch game seven tonight (Thursday.)  Maybe I’ll wait for the fourth quarter when the game usually gets interesting.

And that is why I am commenting on a game I did not even watch.  Basketball fans should know the game is not over until the buzzer buzzes.  Many Miami Heat fans left this game with Miami down by five points and 28 seconds remaining.  They left to get to their cars and beat the traffic, then when the game was tied up and going to overtime they went nuts trying to get back into the arena.  Security would not let them back in.  HA!

I never understand fans paying big dollars to attend an event, ticket prices for this game must have started at $50 or more, and then leaving before the game is over.  Even if the outcome is clear, I would not leave early.  I watched “Lincoln” until the end even though I knew he would be shot.  Anything can happen in a sporting event.  Stay to the end or let a real fan get a ticket!

The greatest games ever, in any sport, all go to the final play.  There is nothing as exciting as a big comeback.  Guess what there has never been a big comeback that did not look like a lost cause…THAT’S WHY THEY’RE BIG COMEBACKS!!

Why do people leave baseball games in the seventh inning?  How can you file out of a football game in the fourth quarter?


In the name of Magic Johnson, can anyone leave a championship basketball game with only 28 seconds left???  Twenty-eight seconds!!! Your team did not quit, why did you quit on your team?  Are you going to beat the traffic in 28 seconds?  If you are that worried about traffic, STAY THE FRIG HOME.  Watch it on TV.   You are not a fan, you are a poser.  You go to the game to say you were at the game.  Your life revolves around beating traffic?  You are not a fan.  A fan watches to the bitter end…just in case.  Traffic?  Take your time, hang out, and stop for a drink, that 28 seconds will not get you home that much sooner, and if getting home is so important, STAY AT HOME in the first place.

You are not a fan you people who exit early; you are as Mrs. Cranky so often calls me:


The preceding has been the opinion of a Cranky Old Man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky!

Update - The heat won the Championship Thursday night.  With 22 seconds left, Miami was up by 5 points.  No fans left the stadium.

Friday, June 21, 2013

THE PINKY SPECIALIST - a Cranky re-run

Cranky Old Man is on his way to the Jersey Shore for a much needed vacation from doing nothing.  Here is a re-run from June 2012 while I'm packing and un-packing.

Sometimes I look back on my life and I think I never fulfilled my potential.  I was a low level manager at a brokerage firm for forty years.  What a waste.  I should have been a doctor.

I think I would have made a great doctor.  The only issue that probably would have held me back as a doctor is I have always been a little bit lazy.  Doctors have to work hard and they have to know a lot of stuff.

Sometimes I think maybe I could have been a podiatrist.  They only have to know about feet.  How hard could that be?  Feet?  They are really not that complicated.  But then…

There is hammer toe, bunions, flat feet, toe nail problems, arch problems; I would probably even have to know about ankles and stuff.  There are a lot of bones in feet and every one of them can cause problems and require different treatments.  

A podiatrist might have been a bit much for me.  Still, I think I would have made a great doctor.  Maybe I could have just narrowed down my practice.

If I had it to do over again, I would have become a doctor.  I would have been pinky specialist.   What are there; three bones and a nail?  I could have easily learned everything there is to know about the pinky.  You don’t put a broken pinky bone in a cast; you just wrap it with a popsicle stick and some duct tape.  A cut pinky hardly ever needs stiches; generally a band aide will do.  If as a doctor you screw up it is only a pinky.  People can do just fine without a pinky.  A pinky specialist does not have that much pressure.

It is too late for me to go back and start a new career.  It’s too bad.  I think I would have been a great Pinky Specialist.

Dr. Cranky “Pinkies R Us”

Thursday, June 20, 2013



At the age of seven, my folks decided I needed to learn to play an instrument.  We had a piano as my dad was learning to play…he taught himself cause he could just do things like that…so I decided to try piano.  I took lessons for several months and actually kind of like it, until I learned I was going to play in my first recital.

My first recital was going to be broadcast on the radio, 1580 AM or KFNO in Las Angeles.  I was to perform the “Teaching Little Fingers To Play” classic, “From a Wigwam.” (This tune would be totally politically incorrect today.)


“From a Wigwam” was the most difficult song in book one of TLFTP, it involved using both hands…at the same time! I panicked.  The thought of playing on the radio with maybe 18 people listening was too much.  I skipped two lessons which po’d my dad no end as he still had to pay.  I gave up the piano before the recital.

I never understood the recital thing, especially for young children.  For me it was too much and it caused me to quit piano before I found out if I would like playing or not.  I discovered later in life that I have no musical ability, but the recital thing still left a bad taste in my mouth.

Two weeks ago while visiting my North Carolina Crankettes I attended my first piano recital, some 60 years after I chickened out on my own recital.  Two Crankettes were slated to perform. 

The oldest Tommy, 10, played very well.  He stumbled a bit on the first piece, but he nailed the second.  Halley, 8, played beautifully; she did not miss a note, though she may have played as if the building was on fire.  She will learn to slow down.

The highlight of the evening came when the last student took the chair. 

The oldest Crank, my little girl, the mother of three of my grandchildren has been taking lessons.  Mary Beth played piano as a child.  She did not have lessons, we could not afford them.  Her piano was an old un-tunable hand-me-down.  At the age of six Mary Beth was playing by ear, and not just plink-plink plunk-plunk play by ear, she played with all ten fingers, chords and all.  Mary Beth would listen to a piece from a movie and then go replicate it on the piano.  When she first mastered “The Theme from Ice Castles” I was shocked.  It sounded just like it came from the television.

We did get MB lessons when she was older, but the teacher turned out to be a nut job.  She was paranoid and suffered severe anxiety attacks.  She was a good teacher, but she suddenly was taken away babbling incoherently…very sad.  That was the end of lessons, until just two years ago when Mary Beth decided she would learn to read music and play properly.

This recital was her second.  I was as nervous for her as I was when I chickened out on my own recital.  She played strictly classical…Debussy and someone else.

She was magnificent, oh she may have missed a note or two, but she soldiered on, no one noticed, and she played beautifully.  She played with touch and with feeling and I enjoyed every note as did the rest of the audience of parents and their children.

It took 60 years, but I made it through my first piano recital. 

It was worth the wait!