Crack Me A Cold One

Crack Me A Cold One

More memorabilia…if people reacted to diaper memorabilia, I decided to add some more.  Mostly old people on this blog, and old people love old stuff.

With the first invention of the can, inventors have been trying to improve on methods of getting at the contents.  Coffee and peanuts used to have those key thingies that wound up perforated metal and allowed the top to be removed.  That wound metal and the can openings were perfect for ripping large cuts in fingers.

Opening beer cans has gone through three changes in my life time. 

The earliest I remember was using a “church key.”  I wonder if today you could use one of these on public property.  Probably the first church of “We hate God and all religion” would bring about a law suit.

Anyway.

A beer can could not be opened without a church key, and almost everyone had one with him or nearby.  I think they were given away free with a case of beer purchase, but I do not remember anyone ever buying one.  Maybe a fancy opener that also had a switch blade like cork screw in the handle, but proper church keys were free.

The church key had a stabby thing on one end that would punch a hole in your beer can.  You would punch a triangle cut on one side, and a little hole on the other side to allow the beer to flow freely.  The other side of the church key was for prying off bottle caps.

If by some unusual circumstance you found yourself with a supply of beer and no church key, panic ensued.  A screw driver, a knife, a pointy rock…whatever, that can would be opened.  If you want to see imagination and quick thinking in action, bring a six pack of the old beer cans where there is no church key.

Popping open the bottle caps without a church key was (still is, with imported beer) an art.  I am lost without a proper bottle opener, but I know people  who could use a table top end and a quick whack on the palm to pop the top.  If done incorrectly one can ruin a good table, injure the palm and break the bottle.  I have seen people use their wedding ring with a wedding finger lever to do the job…me, I buy domestic with twist offs.

I have damage my thumb and forefinger unsuccessfully attempting to twist off an import beer.

In the sixties the pop top was invented.  You pulled a ring and a perforated top ripped off the perfect beer guzzling opening.  Disposing of the pop top was a bit of an ecological issue.  They littered landscapes and occasionally caused margarita drinking flip flop wearing singers to cut their heel and have to cruise on back home.

I always thought that if you could attach a hook to the pop top, they would have made excellent fishing lures, but I never tested that thought.

Currently the pop top has been replaced with the push top which eliminated the littering issue and the heel cutting problem.

Can there possible be any more improvement to the beer container opening issue?  Who cares, I’ve wasted enough print on this subject. 

Come back next week for wine; cork, imitation cork or twist off!

Diaper Doody

Diaper Doody

Ah the good old days, when men were men and diapers had to be cleaned.  That’s right young people, diapers have not always been disposable.  Ewww!

Actually, it was not so bad.  For my first three children we paid for a diaper service.  Lots cheaper than disposables are today.  Each week the service picked up the dirty diapers and dropped off clean ones. 

Changing and storing the dirty diapers was not as bad as some might think.  Poopy diapers were simply dunked in the toilet then rung out and left in a diaper pail which was designed to conceal odors…pretty well…I think.

The worst part of the cloth diapers was the diaper pins.  Large safety pins that were only “safe” once attached and closed.  Squirmy babies and sharp metal being forced through thick cloth was not an easy task.  In an effort to not stab your baby, a thumb or palm often fell victim.  It took a few weeks to get the hang of it. 

Then you had to slip one of those plastic covers over the diaper to prevent leaking.  It did prevent leaking, but also eliminated “baby butt breathing” which led to nasty rashes. 

Naked baby airing-out the rash was effective, but it did result in accidents. You had to be on your toes and limit the airing-out to short intervals.

We did have disposables around baby number three, but they were expensive and we had the cloth thing down pat so we kept the service.  We did use some disposables for traveling.  The cloth things were no fun in a car.  We may have left a few dirty diapers along the Rt 13 roadside.

For this “green” aware generation, I’m not sure how disposable today’s diapers really are.  I suspect the landfills do not consider them that disposable.

Anyway, diaper duty (doody…see what I did there Val?) is something I do not miss.  I will say this for the old cloth diapers, they were strong as heck and well made.  I still have one from my forty-frumpting-year old daughter that I use to wipe down my guitar. 

There is no better wiping cloth then those old diapers.

  

What is Wrong With People

What is Wrong With People

I just read an article about Fraternity hazing at LSU.  Several people were indicted for extreme hazing of pledges.  The crap these idiots did and the crap the pledges allowed is mind blowing.

These pledges were made to get naked and lie on ice, or broken glass, were kicked and urinated on.  This is not the first time I have read about extreme fraternity hazing lately.  Young people have died being forced to drink to access.  It makes you wonder why people allow this to happen to them.

It is scary what peer pressure will do.

We had hazing a thousand years ago when I was in a fraternity, but it was mostly fun stuff, pranks, some mild paddling and some “suggested” beer guzzling.  Thinking back we mostly drank beer, forced guzzling of hard liqueur if we had hard liqueur might have had serious consequences, so perhaps we were stupid too, but we were lucky we could only afford beer.

Anyway.

Hazing was a way to bring people together, to share in nonsense somehow was bonding.  We were blindfolded and made to eat worms, which turned out to be marmalade jelly.  We were forced to exercise to exhaustion and then eat dry cereal.  We had to learn useless shit, (although occasionally knowing the Greek alphabet has helped me in trivia games) and wear funny hats around campus.

As pledges we never had to do anything dangerous, and lots of the stupid stuff was in way of learning to trust the fraternity members.

I remember as a final initiation we were brought individually into a room and faced a member holding a hot poker from a roaring fire.  I was asked to swear my all to the fraternity and to accept a final test of my allegiance.

Saying yes I was thrown on a table, my shirt raised and eyes covered.  I remember thinking, that if these m-----F----er’s actually brand me with that poker, I would not only quit the fraternity, but I was going to kick as much fraternity brother ass as I could before they subdued me.

I was branded as was every pledge with the extreme cold of dry ice.  We still joke about this final pledge ceremony when we have our annual reunions some fifty plus years later.

WE NEED TO FIGHT

WE NEED TO FIGHT

An oldie from 2012*

Something is missing in the relationship between my wife and me.  We never fight.  We hardly even disagree on things.  I thought couples were supposed to fight.  Every couple I’ve known fights.  I always fought in my other marriages.  It worries me that we never fight.

So the other day I turned to Mrs. Cranky and said,

“We need to fight.”

“What?”

“We need to fight.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s going on four years since we’ve met and we haven’t had a real fight.  It doesn’t seem normal.  It doesn’t seem right.  I’m used to having two or three fights a month.”

“But I don’t want to have a fight.”

“We really should have at least one fight.”

“What do you want to fight about?”

“How about doing the dishes?  I never help with the dishes.”

“Yes you do.”

“Not really; all I do is rinse and occasionally empty the dishwasher.”

“That’s helping.”

“I don’t think it is.”

“Sure it is, you help a lot and I appreciate it.”

“No I don’t, you should yell at me over my lack of help.”

“But I don’t want to yell at you, I have no reason to start a fight.  You want a fight you yell at me!”

“What should I yell at you about?”

“I don’t know; you wanted to have a fight.”

“Yeah, but I don’t know how to start a fight, I’m a counter puncher.”

“Well I don’t know how to start a fight either!”

“Hmmm…that is a problem.  I guess we’ll just have to agree to agree.”

“I agree.”

“Do you need any help with the dishes?”

“You’re a jerk!”

*Last time this was posted a few people claimed that without fighting there is no passion.  Not to worry.  We still have not had a real fight and no passion is no issue...we do bicker a lot. 

Stupid Headlines 022419

Stupid Headlines 022419

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sometimes sophomoric comments.

_______________________________

Tortoise thought to be extinct for 113 years has been rediscovered on the Galapagos – Apparently he was just resting up after winning that big race.

Florida man carrying huge rattlesnake stopped by police after scared locals issue complaints – Put down the rattlesnake and step away from the car!

Barber offers free Trump and Kim Jong Un haircuts – Come to think of it, if you put the two styles and colors together they might look normal.

Beer, Wine Coming To Rutgers Football Games – They have to do something to make those games bearable.

Volunteer volleyball coach accused of stealing underwear from female players – The square root of this guy is CREEPY! 

Meghan Markle Skipped Opening Gifts at Her Baby Shower for an Adorable Reason – She’s a damn princess and the kid will already have every thing he could possible need…adorable!

Reba McEntire explains why she turned down iconic ‘Titanic’ role – “I’m an idiot, why else?”

Hillary Clinton huddles with 2020 Dems, including Biden, Harris and Booker – “OK, here’s the play, Joe you hike on count of two, Cory you go left, Kamala you go left, Joe you fake right and go left, I’ll start up the middle then go left and throw a Hail Mary.  If it’s incomplete we’ll claim interference!”

Florida Sen. Rick Scott slams Ocasio-Cortez, encourages Amazon to move to Florida – Not sure why he would slam her and also want her to move to his state, but I really don’t know why he calls her an Amazon, she is a petite attractive young lady, certainly not an Amazon!

Drunk teen calls police on himself for public intoxication, demands his own arrest – I suspect his defense “I was drunk” is not going to get him off.

Florida close to banning the dumping of blood at beaches to lure sharks – This is allowed?  Might just be why there are more shark attacks on people on Florida beaches than anywhere in the world. (Dang I love Florida).

FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE WEEK:

Cop checks to see if girls are safe, then plays dolls with them. – Early crime prevention? A different kind of cop.

https://www.cbsnews.com/video/cop-stops-to-check-if-girls-are-safe-then-plays-dolls-with-them/

Ring-a-Ding-Ding

Ring-a-Ding-Ding

A few weeks ago, Mrs. C suggested we get one of those Ring Doorbell things so we could see who was at the door or if there were any packages left (she buys a lot of stuff on-line.)  I saw no reason for such an extravagance.

A few days later at about 7 pm, the doorbell rang.

“WTF” I thought, who is at my door at 7 pm?  It could be a nare-do-well ready to bust in when I opened the door to his ring.  I went to the door with a ball bat prepared, just in case.  No one was there, it was just a delivery dude that rang the bell and left a package.

When Mrs. C came home from work, I told her we need one of those Ring things.

The Ring thing alerts you when someone is at the door, if they just approach the door you are alerted on you phone.  You hit the alert and you see a live camera shot of your doorway and can speak and hear through the same doorbell/camera setup.

We ordered the Ring Doorbell that night.  The other day it arrived and we set it up.  

OMG!!

There is a you-tube video I saw the other day that made fun of two teens trying to figure out how to use a rotary phone.  They looked really stupid.  After our attempt to set up our Ring, I no longer think these teens are so dumb.

I’m pretty sure a teen could have set up this door-bell thing in 15 minutes.  For us, not so much.  And Mrs. C is reasonably computer savvy.

We needed an Apple ID to set up an app.  Neither of us had any apps on our phones and we had no Apple ID.  It took about 45 frustrating minutes to get this ID and to download the app.  There must have been a zillion logons, passwords and security questions to answer.  All done on a tiny phone keyboard. 

Installation and set up was not too difficult, only took about an hour of multiple frustrations, but we finally got it done.  

Then testing.

The bell worked and the phones were alerted.  The camera worked and the speakers were fine.  Next we tested the motion sensor.

It did not pick up motion unless the storm door was opened.  That was no good, as we wanted to see if a package was left, or if someone visited without actually attempting to ring the bell, you know, like a bad person.

For an hour we kept trying to figure out this sensor thing.  Finally, after searching the internet we realized the sensor is not a visual thing, it reacts to heat.  With the unit on a door behind a storm door, the heat changes are insulated and not picked up.

Bummer.

Further research found that as our front is under a roof and our door is an insulated metal door, we really do not need a storm door which is a pain in the butt anyway.

I removed the storm door glass pane and the motion detector worked as expected.  

Eureka!!

I had to replace the glass with the screen in the storm door, as with no glass the tendency was to walk through the windowless storm door and trip on the frame.  We could not just remove the door, frame and all as it might be against the notorious Nazi-like HOA assholes…I did notice every unit in our community has an unnecessary storm front door.

Anyway.

We now have our new toy.  For $110 and a $30/year “Cloud” fee, we will know when a package is delivered, and even if we are not at home, we can tell the Jehovah Witness people to “GO AWAY!”

Jussie Smollett

Jussie Smollett

The day I read about the racist attack on Jussie Smollett I said to Mrs. C,

“Have you heard about this Jussie Smollett thing?”

“A little, who is he.”

“An actor and I think a singer, I’ve never heard of him before, apparently he is not on reality TV, but some show that we don’t follow.”

“From what I heard, it sounds awful.”

“It is awful, but I think something is fishy.  Don’t tell anyone and I’m not saying anything to anyone else, but it smells fishy.”

“Why, I don’t know too much about it.”

“The guy left his hotel or apartment, not sure which, to get a Subway sandwich at 2 am in Chicago.  Nothing strange about that except why would anyone need a subway sandwich at 2 am when he could just raid his fridge or call room service?”

“He may have just had a craving for a Subway sandwich.”

“I’ve eaten at subway, they are not that good, matter of fact years ago I must have had some bad lettuce or something as I puked and pooped for two day after…bout as sick as I can ever remember being,

Anyway, it was not only 2 am, but it was -10 degrees that night.  Had to be mighty hungry to go out in -10.  Then he was stopped by two guys in masks.  They punched him, threw bleach on him, and put a noose around his neck before he fought them off and they ran away.”

“It could happen…I suppose.”

“So, two thugs were out in -10 weather at 2 am, do you suppose they had a hunch that Jussie Smollett would have a hankering for a subway at that time, so they were waiting for him?  And they happened to have bleach and a noose on them?  I know I almost never have bleach and a noose on me when I am out at night.  Then this guy fights off two dudes that never took his money or his cell phone?  They just wanted to rough him up?  He must be one tough dude this Jussie Smollett.”

“He could be.” 

“Then, after fighting off two thugs, he waits 40 minutes to call the cops.  He had a cell phone, 9-1-1 is a pretty easy number to remember.”

“True.”

“This is the part that really gets me, when the cops arrived, he still had the noose around his neck!  Seems to me number one, that if you could fight off two thugs, they would not have been able to put a noose around your neck.  Putting a noose around his neck is something you would expect after he was subdued; and why would anyone, after such a harrowing experience, not remove the noose from his neck?”

“So, he staged the whole thing.”

“Clearly, but do not voice that opinion, you will be branded a racist and a homophobe.  I think it will come out eventually, the police are not that stupid.”

“Why would he do such a thing.”

“Who knows? To get attention, I don’t know…it makes no sense, but lots of people do stupid things that make no sense.  My wild guess is he is not that smart and clearly has issues.”

I think the jury is still out, but the latest information from Chicago police indicates the whole thing was indeed a hoax.  I guess it is now safe to voice my opinion that it was a hoax without being branded as a bunch of “ists.”

Sad that initially the incident could not be questioned in polite company, even though the story was obviously full of very questionable holes...actually, holes Hell, it was bull shit from word go!  I knew it, the cops knew it, anyone who thought about it knew it; but for some reason most of the world WANTED it to be true.

Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones

For several years now I have been told to watch an HBO series, “Game of Thrones.”  I’ve been told it is mesmerizing, addicting, one of the best shows ever. 

“You must watch it.”

This week end, Mrs. C and I decided to binge watch the show.

I have not watched the show up till now, because as a contrarian I generally avoid doing what everyone tells me I must do.  I eventually gave in and watched “Breaking Bad” which was really good, so I decided I would give “Game of Thrones” a chance.

The first episode there was head chopping and bare bosoms.  A nice combination of violence and sex.  That did grab my attention for a bit.  However before the episode was over, I found it unwatchable.

I guess it is a product of my age and my attention span. 

First of all there are about one million different characters and it was more than I could handle trying to figure out who was who and how they were connected. Then there were at least seven running plots; a funeral of someone that I had no idea who died, a wedding where I had no idea who the betrothed were, and five different kingdoms I assume all at war.

Clearly if you are of sounder mind than I, this is a terrific show, why else would one billion people rave about it.  

Then, most of the world loves pickles, and they disgust me so…

I gave the show a try.  Like many shows today, most conversations whether in an open field or around a dinner table seemed like the characters are in a library.  They whisper and mumble, all in a medieval accent that is foreign to me.  As much as I concentrated on what was being said, I missed most of it.

“M’lord the terriers have plogged upon the ferries.”

“Blast it man, we had better plumber the timber!”

WHAT THE FRIG?

Mrs. C tried to explain.

“That is Balderal, telling the king that the terrorists have landed in the forest.”

“What does a golf course have to do with Medieval kingdoms?”

“Balderal, not Baltusrol you idiot!”

“Which one is Balderal, the fat guy with the beard wearing an animal?”

“Yes.”

“They are all fat with beards wearing animals!”

“Just pay attention.”

"And what the Hell is 'plumber the timber?'"

"I'm not sure, I can play that part back if you want."

“You know what, I am too old to pay attention and concentrate on a TV show.  That is not entertainment to me, you enjoy it, I’m going to watch golf.”

“You’re a jerk!”

“You won’t watch “Seinfeld” maybe the best sitcom ever, I’ll pass on this mumble-whisper fest that apparently is the greatest TV drama ever.”

When people tell me that “You have to watch…” I do get my contrary up.

I wouldn’t go see “Hamilton” if there were free front row tickets and the theater was around the corner.

    

Home Owners Association Bull Shit

Home Owners Association Bull Shit

Mrs. C and I live in a town house community.  As such we are required to follow the rules of our HOA. 

Now the association does a pretty good job of snow removal, and the landscaping is always very neat and clean.  The community always looks very nice.  In my opinion they probably pay way too much for the landscaping and snow removal, we often have plows show up for a dusting, and the lawn is mowed, weed poisoned and watered more than needed.  I don’t complain, if someone gets a little kick back for over-done service, I understand…that is just how things work, I get it.

Somethings other things also bother me, but I let them slide. 

Our association fees were raised $150 a month a few years ago because they didn’t set aside money every year for roof replacement.  It is supposed to be a temporary increase, but I know damn well no fee has ever been temporary, it will be spent and 20 years from now they will not have any money set aside for a new roof.  I probably will not be around for that.

It does annoy me that they installed five speed bumps along the main road.  It is a pain in the ass and not needed.  There were no accidents from speeders that required the speed bumps…I friggin hate them, but I say nothing.  I’d prefer parents teach their kids to look both ways when they cross the street, but they don’t.  Kids no longer know how to cross a street, they just cross when they feel like it and assume any car will be prepared to stop for them.  Most of the adults don’t know how to cross either; head down, slow your pace and never look for a car.  It is just a matter of time, speed bump or not that one of these cretins will lose the battle against 3000 pounds of steel.

Our streets have a sign about every fifty yards telling people to pick up after their dog.  In this day and age, if people do not pick up after their dog, a sign will not change their behavior.

About every fifty yards there are also signs telling people where they can or can not park.  In most cases there is no reason why people can not park where they are told not to.  In most cases people ignore the signs.  The signs just aggravate me, but I say nothing.

Our community pool has signs telling people to shower, what to wear, what not to smoke and what not to drink.  I no longer smoke, and don’t feel like having a drink around the pool, and neither did anyone else in the years before they put up about 15 signs.  There are no signs saying not to pee in the pool.  I still do not pee in the pool, see we do not need signs for everything.

The signs just piss me off.

Get off your power trip already, this in not high school. I don’t need a Miss Gromowitz lecturing everyone about chewing gum in assembly! Most of us are grownups! 

Today I received an email that was sent to every resident.  It warned about putting out garbage not in a can, and putting out garbage earlier than the night before pickup.  BTW yes, I have seen some people put out garbage in plastic bags, I have never seen one torn apart by our local wild life.  And if someone puts out their cans early, which I have not seen, I don’t think it would affect me or anyone else one whit!

WTF!  Why not tell everyone not to walk around naked. piss on the lawn, or egg bomb our neighbors!

I responded to this latest affront :

If on occasions my trash can might be overflowing, I assume leaving trash overflow in a bag is acceptable and I will act accordingly.  If I will not be home the night before pickup and am unable to make arrangements to put out my trash at the appointed time, I might put it out earlier.  I hope these special situations would not upset protocol, I enjoy living in an association that does not nit-pick needlessly at the detriment of a reasonable and relaxed living environment.

Thank you; just clarifying the rules and how I will interpret them.

I hope the ex-hall-monitor that sent that email tries to pick a fight with me.  I am too friggin old to put up with this petty crap.