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Monday, October 31, 2011

Scary Halloween Story


Halloween is around the corner.  There is nothing like a good scary Halloween story so I went into the vault of stuff my mom saved for some unknown reason, and I found two Halloween stories from my cranky youth. 

Without further ado, I submit unedited, the second story, dated Oct. 30, 1957:


Most of the time on Halloween night I have fun but this year I had to take my brother Melvin out.  I always thought he was weird but tonight he proved it.  When we knocked at the first door My brother turned to me drulling and his fangs grew.  I told him to stop playing but he only tried to bite me.  This could cause preblums, after all what would you do if your brother was a were-wolf.  I ran home and told mom but didn’t believe me, she just kept saying stop joking and have a piece of candy.  Their wasn’t any thing to do so I took the candy and ran.  As I left the house I saw my brother he was normal again.  I took him to the police and told them of my proplum and suggested they take him to the zoo or something but they only said gowan home kid.  As I left the police station I turned and my brother almost bit my nose off  Hear we go again.  After an hour of chaceing around I went into my house again.  I pleaded whith my mother to take Melven to the zoo or something like that.  But she only gave me anouther piece of candy.  Now this was getting serous , after all Melven was chaseing around and mom was handing candy around.  But it was good so I took it and ran again.  After a while it was twelve oclock and my brother was normal again.  After that I got out of bed and got some candy but it was not nearly as good as in the dream.

I found myself in bed it was all a dream.

(Most of young Cranky’s stories seem to end up as a dream.)


Sunday, October 30, 2011




The answer to last week’s Toddler Talk VI quiz word “WAMAWA was LAWNMOWER! Apparently this was too easy as there were eight guesses and 6 Whoop-Tee-Doo’s.  The correct answers in order of their response as follows:

Lacey  has left a new comment on your post "TODDLER TALK VI"

Lawnmower! My daddy use a lawnmower!

Katrina has left a new comment on your post "TODDLER TALK VI":

Okay, I've got this one:

"My daddy use the lawn mower"

Lou has left a new comment on your post "TODDLER TALK VI":

For some reason I am drawn to 'lawnmower'

I have no clue why 'wamawa' just sounds like lawnmower to me, but then my head is all over the place this

Lou :-)

Lou said...

Hmm strange things are a foot because I already commented once on this and it has vanished.

My guess was and still is lawnmower. i have no clue why but i just saw the word and thought lawnmower!

lou :-)

Come on Lou I deleted correct answers to give others a chance.  Your Whoop-Tee-Doo was emailed.

Michael Ann has left a new comment on your post "TODDLER TALK VI":

Lawn mower?

Belinda said...

I'll go with lawnmower.  

psumadden said...

After extensive review (and having my 3 year old daughter say the word a few times), I am going to go with lawnmower.

To All the winners, here it is…..WHOOP-TEE-DOO!!

Runner-ups go to:

Kitti Redcoat said...

I was too pleased, lol, to offer a guess...I was torn between pencil and pretzel, but like you said...50/50 is no good! Lol. This one is hard - camera would probably have been my guess, but now my dear mum has suggested "lawnmower"...I'm not so sure!

See what I’m talking about Lou?  That’s why I delete correct responses.

Sarah Mac said...

seems too easy but I'm saying camera?

Aww, I’ sorry, but good try.

This week’s Toddler Talk quiz word –  Again from Crankette Cole is        “Basehit”

In a toddler sentence “I wa ma basehit”



It’s Sunday, time for Cranky’s weekly silly headlines and my stupid sophomoric comments.  In two months these posts have received zero comments.  I interpret that as unanimous approval of these posts.  Therefore I submit this week’s HEADLINES:

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal Re-Elected in a Landslide – Governor survives and vows to stay away from mountainsides next election.

Hundreds of Indian Girls Named 'Unwanted' Choose New Names Surprisingly, many chose Bashardi Bisichi or Hindi for “Bastard Bitch”.

Judge finalizes Milian-Dream divorce – What is a “Dream” divorce? Did Milian’s wife just leave the country?

Utah Mom Admits Trying to Sell Girl's Virginity – Mom tries the George Castanza defense, “Was that wrong? I never know for sure about these things, if knew that was wrong I wouldn’t have done it. No one ever told me that was wrong”

Woman allegedly stabbed by sometime-lover – Allegedly? Come on, was she stabbed or not?

Father of actress Lindsay Lohan arrested in Tampa – Michael Lohan arrested for impregnating Mrs. Lohan with Lindsey.

Face transplant recipient grants first interview – Demands cameras only show her best side.  I’m sorry, that’s why I’m going to hell.

Commonwealth Realms Agree to Abolish Royal Sex Discrimination – Common ordinary sex discrimination is still acceptable

Oops! School sign spelled wrong in South Florida school district – Superintendant insists regardless of this error, his school is one of the ”finest Instatooshuns in the entyre State.”

Woman guilty of trying to burn husband to death during nap – Woman says, “Next time I plan to set him on fire when I’m awake!”

Connecticut not sneaking up on anybody this season – Relieved, New York, New Jersey and Massachusetts drop their guard.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Halloween Story 10/25/56


Halloween is around the corner.  There is nothing like a good scary Halloween story so I went into the vault of stuff my mom saved for some unknown reason, and I found two Halloween stories from my cranky youth. 

Without further ado, I submit unedited, the first story, dated Oct. 25, 1956:

THE MONKEY’S CLAW some plagiarism may be involved.

One day on Halloween when I was trick or treating with my friend Bob we went to an old creepy house.  Bob said, “Lets go in.”  So we went in.  All of a soden we heard a creepy noise.  We looked up stairs and saw a horrible green faced whight haird 3 eyed monster.  We started to run away but we stopped because the monster had magic rais.  He brought us up the stairs and handed us a box and went away.

We ran away as quick as we could.  We tried to get rid of the box but we couldn’t it just stuck to us all of the sudden the box opend and out came a monkey’s claw.  It chased us two blocks and caught Bob.  I got away.  That night when I went to sleep I found Bob’s head in my bed. (Eweee)

After that I never went out on Halloween and I guess Bob never did either.

My first day of therapy started November 1, 1956
(You can’t make this shit up!)

Friday, October 28, 2011



Picture blurred to protect the drunken old farts

November is approaching, and with it is the Lafayette College DTD annual class of ‘67/’68 fraternity reunion.  This group of knuckleheads has been meeting for 15 years now and it just keeps getting bigger and better.  I am particularly looking forward to this year’s reunion as it is being hosted by Stu (Wally) “Last time they served steamed lobster” Robinson and his lovely wife Donna.
Earlier reunions have been rife with stories of our college days (daze).  Oh what a bunch of “crazy” kids!  Lately they have been rife with stories about what a good time last year’s reunion was.   Early reunion sponsors were prepared with cases and cases of beer.  I suspect there are still some unopened cans from these parties.  Hosts now stock up on wine, and as we get older the wine gets better and the consumption decreases. 

Few of my fraternity brothers read this blog.  As I have little else to talk about, I need a post that will catch their attention.  I submit, from my soon to be published book (maybe) “I Used To Be Stupid” a section titled “Nick Names.”  Virtually every fraternity brother is mentioned in this dissertation.  

Why do parents stress so much about what to name their children? They always end up being called something else anyway.  My Grandmother Hagy knew how to solve this problem.   She wanted to name her first born daughter Nancy.  Her mother demanded she be named Eleanor, my Grandmother’s name, as that was the custom of the time.  After many hours of arguing, Grandma gave in. “I will name her Eleanor”, she announced calmly, “but I am going to call her NANCY!”  I never knew Aunt Nancy by any other name until her funeral where the program announced the departed as Eleanor “Nancy” Hagy.

I loved that name. 

Yes Grandma and she was a terrific Aunt also!

Most nick names are not complimentary.  I used to be called “Genius” and thought that was a cool nick name, until I met a six foot, three hundred pound dude called “Tiny”. 
I’ve had many nick names over the years, most derivatives of Hagy (Hagy as HAYgee).  Sometimes the final result is unrecognizable from the original.  My name went from “Hegs”, “Haggy” (short A), to “Hag”, “Hags”, “Hinky”, “Hinkus”, “Hoggy”, and “Hogs”.  After an episode of “The Beverly Hillbillies” it became “Hog Jowls”, and finally “Jowls”.

In the summer I was “Turtle”.  Apparently I looked like a Turtle, or maybe it was my speed.  My brother Jim, the oldest in the summer crowd, was “Pops”.  Chris was “Zero” named after the Beatle Bailey character that was not too smart.  Chris hated this name; until he met a six foot, three hundred pound guy named “Tiny”.


Yes Jim

Chris kinda earned that name.  Sometimes Zero means Zero.                                  

I know Jim.  I’m trying to be nice, plus I think the “Tiny” thing is funny.

OK……But you know, sometimes even Chris used to be stupid!

In High school, after a failed baseball pitching tryout, I was “Bullet”, named after “Bullet” Bob Turley the Yankee fastball specialist (once again the “Tiny” syndrome applied).  This name was courtesy of my best friend Charlie “Chuck”, “Wids”, “Winky”, “Wink”, “Ditmer”, “Ditmus”, “Dinkenstein”, “Asshead” (Charlie had a double cowlick on the back of his head which looked like….well….an ass), Widmer.
Some nick names are just a given: Stan is always “Stan the man” (except Craig “Stanley” Blouin.  He just looked like a “Stan”), Roy equals “Roy my boy”, and anyone named Rhodes is “Dusty”.

In college almost everyone had a nick name.  In our fraternity we had a “Catfish” a “Spanky” a “Mantan”, an “Undermumble”, a “Buddy”, a “Sterno”, a “Toad”, a “Mouse”, a "Pieman" and a “Jungle”.  I was “Jowls”; Doug Gardener who had a head like a coconut was…“Coconut”.  Doug who had an endearing (to the ladies) yet obnoxious manner was ultimately called “Obner” then just “Ob”.  Bill Douwes wore glasses that made him look like “Froggy” in the “Our Gang Comedies”.  He became “Frog”.  Because we hung out together, he was sometimes “Frog Jowls”.  Some called him “Atlas” as it seemed as if he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.  Carl Anderson was known to be a bit clumsy; he became “Gawk”.  Don “Squeak” Harjes had a high voice when he got excited, and Stu “Wally” Robinson looked just like Wally Cox in the TV show Mr. Peepers (Giyp).  Ed Basile was just called “Im”, and Dave Doughty was the original “Dude”.  If someone was a bit off, not normal, or perhaps nuts he was said to be “hurting.”  Marty Kurtika became Marty “Hurtika”.  Last name Moffat became Mo-fat.  We had “Vinnie D”, “Joe B”, and “Fast Freddy”. 

People’s heads tended to define them.  Along with “Coconut” we had a “Pineapple”, a “Palm tree”, and a “Globe head”.

Al Balla was responsible for most of the nick names in our fraternity house, yet he was always just called “Balla”.

The king of all nick names was Ronald Angevine.  A big slumping gentle guy, (when off the soccer field), Ronald took the brunt of much of the frat house ribbing (called getting a bag, as in a bag of shit).  Ronald took this ribbing well, though he did have a tendency to whine a bit. 

Ronald was, “Ange”, “Hulk”, “Bulk”, “Bulkavine”, “Hulkavine”, “Whineavine”, “Angeahulk”, “Angeabulk”, “Vineabulk”,” Vineahulk”, “Vineawhine”, “Angehulkavine”, “Angebulkavine”, “Angewhineavine”, Angehulkawhine”, “Angebulkawhine”, “Angehulkabulkavine”, “Angebulkahulkavine”,  “Angehulkabulkawhine”, “Angehulkabulkavinawhine”, “Angebulkahulkavinawhine”, “Vineawhineahulkabulk”, “Angevineawhineabulkahulkavine”,…..WAIT!  I’ve just been reminded there was also a “Horrendovine”, and a “Sulkavine”.  No way am I going thru all the iterations.  You get the point.

Some people just called him “Ron”…. or “Ronnie”……or “Ronavine”… or “Ronahulkabulkawhine”, or………..

When it came to nick names, most of us used to be stupid.                        

Thursday, October 27, 2011



There is much talk about bullying these days, but not much about sibling rivalry.  Some of the biggest bullies are big brothers.  I had two big brothers.  Jim six years my elder did not pick on me very much, he had Chris, who was four years older than I, to pick on.  I was Chris’ bullying target. 
The bullying went Jim to Chris, Chris to Joe, Joe to….damn.  The thing about brothers is the youngest probably deserves to be picked on.  I know I was a pain in the ass to my brothers, and I also was horning in on their allotted time of Parental attention. 

Another thing about brothers is that as much as Chris picked on me, I had a protector from other older kids.  Chris could tease and or torture me, but woe to the interloper who tried to join in on the fun.
Mom was no real help in limiting the bullying.  When I went to her to throw my brother under the bus she would say, “Oh just ignore him” or “Well just stay away from him then.”  Actually that was good advice, but I would not stay away, I always wanted to get in on the “big guy” stuff.

Chris never physically hurt me, he specialized in torture.  His favorite form of torture was the “lugee (a sticky glob of spit) slurp.”  Chris would get on top of me, pin my shoulders and arms with his knees, and then hang a lugee right over my screaming mouth.  At the last second he would slurp the lugee and laugh as I would nearly throw-up at the thought of him letting it drop.  Apparently this trick was taught to Chris the hard way by Jim.

On one disgusting torture session, the lugee dropped; right in my mouth.  Ewe…yuck…gag!  Chris laughed, although I think he was a bit grossed out himself, and I nearly threw up.  That was the end of that particular mode of torture.  The mere thought of a dropped lugee drove me to “crazy” strength and I could not be held down.

This summer, my oldest son, Mike, was visiting from Colorado.  We got to talking about the sibling rivalry between him and his older sister and his younger brother.  At one point, Mike started laughing as he told me, “The worst thing I ever did to Matt, was I used to pin his arms with my knees, and fake dropping a lugee into his mouth.  One day I slurped too late, and it went right into his mouth.  After that, I never had enough strength to hold him down like that again.”

The circle of strife!

When I baby sit on Thursdays for Matt’s two toddlers and I watch the interaction between these brothers, I can’t help but think that poor Connor has a saliva slurpee in his future.  

Wednesday, October 26, 2011



I don’t understand social networking.  I mean I sort of get it, but some stuff just escapes me.  I have a twitter account and I actually tweet from time to time.  I have a facebook account and I sign on regularly.  I think I have an account with links-something and even a few others.  I don’t use them, don’t remember why I signed up, and have not a clue what my sign-on and passwords are.
For an old guy, even knowing what a tweet is or having a facebook account is a bit unusual.  Many of my elder acquaintances not only do not have accounts, these networks make them angry.  I mean really angry.  If you even mention them to these geezers you get a tirade of how these networks are commie, pinko organizations designed to steal information, control our thoughts and turn us all into lock-step zombie-like pawns of an evil empire.

I think Twitter is great for getting out information quickly to a group of friends.  Instead of multiple text messages to convey important information to your friends you make one tweet.  Facebook is not only great for keeping up with friends but is a tool to find and reconnect with old friends from high school, college and work.

I originally signed up to facebook to play on-line poker with friends.  I signed up to twitter to try and promote my book, and my blog.  I have 80 friends on facebook.  I probably have ten friends in real life.  I follow 30 people on Twitter, and about 30 follow me.  Most of my facebook “friends” are seldom on-line and still I can’t keep up with all of the messaging and updates.  Few of my Twitter follows are close friends and I skip through the majority of the tweets.

I understand reaching out to old friends and acquaintances.  I understand relaying important messages to multiple people.  I don’t understand 3000+ friends on facebook.  I don’t understand tweeting, “Just woke up and had to pee.”  I have followed interesting people on twitter that tweet every 3 minutes.  I had to unfollow.   If you follow 1000 people and get an alert for every tweet on your smart phone, how do you ever get anything done?
TV ads for annoying institution like Insurance Companies, Used Car Dealers and Lawyers all tell us to find them on www.blahblah, friend on Facebook and follow on Twitter.  I can understand getting further information for one of these entities on the internet, but who or why would anyone friend or follow them?  I have to put up with their TV ads, do I really need to get their tweets and facebook updates?

Please, someone please explain to me who are the 682 people that follow “Pabst Blue Ribbon” and get 27 tweets everyday like this:

PabstBlueRibbonPabst Blue Ribbon

It's PBR time! Just like it's been for the past 118 years.


Too much information is like hoarding.  It will clutter and control your life.  Too many “friends” is like having too much stuff.  You can only live in one house at a time or drive one car.  The more stuff you have the less you value it.  It is impossible to truly value thousands of friends.  I prefer a small dinner gathering of six or eight people to a cocktail party of eighty.

I gotta end this, I have to take a leak, and then have lunch, then go to the gym, then check my email and Facebook and Twitter, then eat dinner, watch TV, use the bathroom, brush my teeth, and go to sleep.  In the morning I plan to wake up and then…..what the hell, just follow me on Twitter and friend me on Facebook and you will know everything.

Monday, October 24, 2011



Last week’s Toddler Talk quiz word was “PRENZIL”

          ronetta cheryll said...

i could be wrong, considering how creative your crankettes are, but i'm torn between pretzel and pencil!

*please give me a whoop tee do, please give me a whoop tee do" :)

-SO CLOSE Ronetta, but you have to at least settle on one guess to get a Whoop-Tee-Doo

Lacey said...

Well, I was going to say the same thing as Ronetta, either pretzel or pencil. Damn.

I'll just go with pencil, because prenzil is really close to how my brother pronounced pencil as a kid. Course, he also used to think that he could fly if he jumped off the roof.

- There you have it, the 50 50 90 rule if you have a 50/50 chance of the right answer you will be wrong 90% of the time!

 Lou said...

My vote is for pencil too!

Somehow I think it is going to be neither pencil or pretzel and probably something really obscure like 'I love Denzel' ( as in Washington of course)

Lou :-)

Oh, so close once again, 50 50 90! Denzel was a great guess if the Toddler in question was….ah…YOU!
Kitti Redcoat said...

Yay! I won a whoop-tee-doo! Thanks Cranky!

Kitty was so thrilled about her last week's win she would not offer a guess!
Katrina said...

"I have pretzel?"

And we have a winner! Here it comes Katrina…


This week’s Toddler Talk quiz word once again comes from Crankette COLE:

            Used in a Toddler sentence “My Daddy use da WAMAWA.”

As always, the winner gets a Whoop-Tee-Doo.
           GOOD LUCK!



I never really appreciated all the issues of the immigration problem in this country until I started reading blogs. 
Virtually every one of our citizens was an immigrant, or a descendant of an immigrant.  We take the privileges of citizenship for granted, and resent current immigrants for taking our jobs and utilizing our resources. 

The truth is we need these people.  This country has succeeded only because of its immigrants.  Lazy, stupid people do not want to go through the red tape and hardships to get to the USA.  We get the best of all cultures.  We get people that want a better life and have the drive and initiative to reach their goals.
The lady in the harbor asks, "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”   She does not ask for the stupid and the lazy.  We need new immigrants.  Our country is facing high unemployment, yet there are still jobs which many of our citizens will not take, or do not have the skills or training to qualify.

Sons and daughters of the corner pizzeria are now Doctors and Lawyers.  They were put through school by the hard work and risks taken by immigrants.  We need pizza.  Who will run the corner pizzeria in future generations?  Immigrants.
We need immigrants, but we also need some control over who we admit, what skills we need and how many new immigrants we can allow to come to our country every year.  Most of those that climb walls and sneak into our country end up as valuable and productive workers, but many are criminals looking to escape their country and to establish illegal activities in this country.

When I see scenes of people streaming illegally into our land I think “why shouldn’t they have the same opportunity that I was born with?” 

Then I follow a blog from Lou in the UK who has been jumping through hoops and cutting through red tape for over a year (maybe more) trying to get to California to start a new life with her love, a US citizen.  She now has a visa.  It has not been easy, but it has been LEGAL.
I read a blog from “Dan the Mountain Man” in North Carolina who is patiently waiting and praying for a lady with whom he wants to spend the rest of his life.  She is also applying for LEGAL entry.

When you consider the merits and needs of our country to take in new citizens,  when you debate the plusses and minuses of ILLEGAL aliens filtering into our cities, keep in mind those like Lou in the UK and “Dan the Mountain Man” and all those fine people waiting to immigrate.  LEGALLY!

Sunday, October 23, 2011



Vinnie’s Bail Bond-We pay to get you away
No need for collateral, your kneecaps will do!

 Whoop-Tee-Doo!  I got my first advertisement.   When I started this blog, I vowed to never indorse a product I myself would not use.  Therefore, when I was approached by Vinnie’s Bail Bond Agency I decided to do some research before I offered my endorsement.
Last week, I went into New Brunswick and grabbed a little old lady’s pocketbook.  I ran limped away on my bad hip and was immediately caught by a policeman who cuffed me and protected me from the little old lady who was bashing me with her walker.  Don’t mess with an old person with a walker…..anyway….I was taken away and booked. 

Bail was set for $500.00 and Vinnie came through.  Just one easy call and he was there with the money.  I signed a few papers and I was out of jail until my court hearing.  It was as easy as that. 
Vinnie made the transaction easy and enjoyable.  He cheerfully explained that if I jumped bail he would track me down, kick my ass and break my legs.  Vinnie was very clear about the terms of our contract.  It was a positive experience.  I am positive I will repay the bail!

Having done my research I can unequivocally recommend “Vinnie’s Bail Bond Agency” for anyone in the New Brunswick, New Jersey area who finds themselves in a bit of a legal bind. 

Yes Vinnie’s where if you fuck up he will help you out, and if you don’t repay he will fuck you up.
Another bit of news, my blog will be suspended three months beginning November 15.  It seems I will not have computer access in my new temporary lodging.

HEADLINES 10-23-11

HEADLINES 10-23-11

t’s Sunday, time for a day of rest and time for Cranky’s headlines from last week and my sophomoric stupid comments:
UK taxi driver becomes first mummy for 3,000 yearsAfter 3000 years there will be a new First Mummy election.

Actress sues Amazon for revealing age on film databaseActress who first appeared in films in 1991 declared, “It’s the worst thing that has happened to me in all nineteen years of my life”

President Obama’s Teleprompters stolenThe President issued the following statement “Ah……where is……ah……”
Study Links Swearing on TV to Teen AggressionThis is just fucking bull shit, fucking assholes and their stupid fucking studies, what the fuck do they know? Shit! I’d like to kick their fucking asses for this dumb fucking worthless study!

Scrabble Championship Contestant Reportedly Demands Opponent Be Strip-SearchedContestant apparently took his opponents off the cuff comment, “I pulled that word out of my ass” literally.
First SORA Plus students graduate from Middlesex County College- A+ is hard, SORA+ is almost impossible!

Carteret man arrested for defecating in vehicles Man is unrepentant, claiming “I don’t give a shit!”
Unsafe Needles Pose Major Health Risk to Doctors, Nurses – Not so great for the patients either.

Australia to intervene on 109-year-old war crimes – If not too little, it’s definitely too late!
Obama administration pulls references to Islam from terror training materials, official saysReplaces them with instructions for sticking your head in the sand.