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Wednesday, October 19, 2011



I hardly use an elevator ever since I retired some three years ago, so I have no idea why this is in my head.
These are things about elevators that annoy me:

I used to work in an office building which had eight elevators in the lobby.  These elevators were high speed and you rarely had to wait more than ten seconds for a car.  Ninety percent of the time, before the doors would close, some numb nuts would come running yelling, “hold the door.”  The elevators in this building did not have a button labeled open or close; instead the buttons had an accordion pattern which I could never figure out. The closed accordion pattern represented either a closed door so you push to open, or this is the button that you push to close the door; visa versa for the open pattern. 
If you did not hit the correct button, the aforementioned numb nuts would curse and call you something unpleasant as the door slammed in his face.  To which I always thought, “Relax asshole…and why is the ten extra seconds you might have to wait more important than me waiting an extra ten seconds for you to race to the door?”

This next one always irked me.  Waiting for the door to close and some jerk leans over and pushes the close button (everyone could figure it out but me) then as the doors close he acts all cocky like if he hadn’t pushed the button the door would not have closed. 

These are the same idiots that push the button to change the light at a cross walk.  They push and push and after three minutes when the light changes they think they actually did something.
Why won’t some people let you out when you reach your floor?  Just step the fuck out, let me go, and then you can get back in.  It won’t leave without you!

People please don’t talk loud in the elevator!  First off it is annoying and second when you get off I don’t get to hear the end of your conversation.  I can’t tell you how many times I was late for work following these people to hear the end of a story.
Parents please, control your kids!  Why do parents let their kid push the buttons for every floor as they exit?  GRRRRR!

When the elevator is crowded, some lady always touches me inappropriately!  Please!! I am not a piece of meat.  (I’m just kidding on this one, go ahead and fondle,)
Finally, when on an elevator, please, I beg of you, please do not cut the cheese, they always blame the old guy!


  1. Man I hate elevators I try to never take them cuz I got stuck in once and it was traumatic. Even if the floor is 20 flights I will climb 20 flights. Oh yeah I totally will bitch slap my kid if she decides to push the elevator buttons not cool because I hated it when it used to happen to me

  2. what about when a kid starts cryin cuz he/she didnt get to push the button. then what do u do??

  3. How about the ones that see you waiting for an elevator, (the light is red - showing it's been pressed) and yet they press it again?!

  4. When waiting for the elevator with a group of friends not too long ago, I kept pressing the call button because the elevator had not arrived yet, and I jokingly said, "You know, when you keep pushing the button like this, the elevator goes faster to get to you sooner." and one of my friends looked at me with a serious expression and said, "Really??"

    Um....NO, not really. Can you imagine being in an elevator, going down...when all of a sudden your ride increased by 15 mph? You float to the top of the elevator, hit your head on the ceiling, all because some jerk at a lower level was impatient and kept pressing the button. Yea, sure. It works like that.

    @@ <--- my eyeballs rolling in my head

    Oh, and you are right. We DO always blame the old guy!!!

  5. Elevator etiquette. It should be taught in schools. Great post!

  6. How'd you like to be the guy whose job it was to push the buttons and hold the door and all that? You know, back in the day when someone had that job? What was that position called again? He wore a uniform and everything.

  7. I like to jump when on an elevator going down. If your timing is right, you get wicked awesome hang time. Just before the elevator starts moving- JUMP! Try it sometime. I dare you

    When going up- as the elvator moves up, bend your knees. Then try to straighten them up. Great exercise for the days you missed the gym.