English Leather

English Leather

Valarie, the lovely blogger from the UK http://allsortsforallsorts.blogspot.com/

commented on a recent post that she did not know what my reference to “English Leather” was.  Funny that someone from the UK would not know about “English Leather.” 

She did assume it was not like leather from a shoe.

Anyone from the USA who grew up in the 60’s surely remembers “English Leather” that infamous cologne worn by pimply-faced teenage boys hoping to get lucky.

When used sparingly, “English Leather” was probably quite pleasant, certainly more pleasant than the actual smell of a pimply-faced teenage boy.

Legend has it that at one time an attractive young lady told a pimply-faced teen boy that she liked the pleasant odor of “English Leather.”

Word spread that “English Leather” drove women wild, and teen boys doubled down on its use.

(Young people may need to just think “Axe.”)

For years, young girls were subjected to the much over application of “English Leather.” For the sake of continued dating, since all young boys used the stuff, young girls said nothing.

Only after millions of young men finally won the affections of young women were they advised to stop splashing that horrid stuff all over. 

It does not take long for those millions of men to advise other young men that “English Leather” was not an aphrodisiac.

The stuff probably still exists in cupboards of homes long left by former young boys, or perhaps in some ancient abandoned but undisturbed college dorms. 

I don’t actually know what the leather of a worn old English saddle smells like, but I suspect the odor would bring back memories of, “No, don’t!” and perhaps even a quick slap to the face.  

    

CRAZY DRIVERS

CRAZY DRIVERS

I used to think it was mostly a Jersey thing, or there were just a lot of BMW drivers in these parts, (I leave out Massachusetts drivers, those people are a special kind of crazy) but I now find that wherever you go, drivers these days are crazy.

I thought it was just because I am getting old, and like fuddy-duddies of days gone by I think no one shows proper caution for anything anymore.

But then.

Mrs. C has a theory.

Ninety percent of drivers today grew up playing video games.  Games where speed and dexterity are a premium.  Games that score extra points for bumping other video cars off the road.  Games that routinely have massive accidents where no one is actually hurt.

She calls these drivers “Joy-stick jockeys” and I think she is spot on. 

There have always been some speeders and occasional old people sweavers, but these days every other car is driving like they are getting points for passing.  Tailgate until you pull over, pass way too fast on either side and often for no other gain then to get to the next exit two seconds quicker.

I think Mrs. C is right, the reason for so many crazy drivers today is that they have grown up with video games and a video game mentality.

Maybe they should change the way these video games are designed.  Give extra points for safe driving.  Make the goal of a game to get from point A to point B safely and not give any extra credit for speed.

The video game I would design to encourage safe driving would give points for no accidents, it would pull you over and subtract points anytime you exceed the speed limit or change lanes without signaling.

Old people would be great at my game.  Get in the right lane, drive five miles below the speed limit, hands at 10 and 2 with a steel grip.  As long as you arrive at your destination in time for an early bird schedule…you win!

Young people would suck at my video game, but it might teach them how to survive on real world roads.

Probably not.

HOMO SAPIEN –A REMARKABLE SPECIES

HOMO SAPIEN –A REMARKABLE SPECIES

Ok, this has been re-run before, but not since 2014

Sharks can smell a drop of blood from a mile away.  Dogs can hear sounds that humans cannot.  Many animals can see at night as if it were day.  Bats can’t see at all yet they can navigate and catch insects with their built in radar.

Naturalists constantly point out these remarkable animal feats as if humans were inferior to these creatures.  True, we cannot compete with the rest of the animal world in terms of strength, speed, sense of taste, smell, sight and hearing, but some homo sapiens do have talents which other creatures could never master.

Is there any other creature on God’s green earth that could tie an apron behind their back while speaking on a cell phone tucked under their chin?  The Weaver bird is able to construct a complicated nest out of twigs and reeds.  Could a Weaver bird take two sticks and a ball of yarn and make a sweater while watching “Toddlers in Tiaras?”

Last Saturday on a bus I witnessed a skill which I have seen before, but for the first time realized how remarkable this ability, common to many female Homo sapiens really was.  As I watched, I could hear the voice of Oprah narrating from “Life” in my head.

“The fourteen year old female of the species is troubled by her hair which has grown beyond shoulder length.  It gets in her eyes and face and irritates her.  Without stopping her constant and incessant communication with a companion, she performs the most remarkable feat.  Taking her hands and without looking, she reaches behind her back and she separates her locks into three segments.  Incredibly, as our camera captures the action, she begins to weave the segments in and out into a locking pattern resulting in one long thick rope-like structure of hair which no longer bothers her eyes or face.  The female does all this in a matter of seconds.  This blind weaving skill is remarkable enough but to keep the weave from unfurling she takes a small elastic band and folds it back and around the end of the weave at a speed which only our time action camera can capture.  Other Homo sapiens ignore this young female’s action as apparently it is a skill not uncommon to the species.”

Is there another creature on this planet that can change the style of their plumes without looking while simultaneously communicating with another of the same species?

OK, maybe a peacock, or a turkey, or a chameleon, or….still it is a remarkable skill.            

STUPID HEADLINES 052818

STUPID HEADLINES 052818

It is time again for

Why, that is outrageous!!

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sometimes sophomoric comments.

________________________________

Ohio man calls police to report he's being followed by a pig – That’s one of the problems with internet dating services.

Airlines passenger arrested after peeing on seat in front of him during flight – I guess I shouldn’t complain about little kids kicking my seat.

Hotel pulls out after group seeks to break world record for largest orgy – Really, “Pulls-out” not cancels, or declines?

NHL prospect horrified to find 2-foot tapeworm was inside him during season – I’m horrified to learn there is a season for tapeworms!

Harvey Weinstein expected to turn himself in, reportedly to face sexual misconduct charges – Not a stupid headline; I just want to celebrate the fall of this big fat disgusting bloviating piece of shit.

It's 'Stormy Daniels Day' in West Hollywood! – Because in California, a woman who s*cks c*cks in movies for a living and then complains because she did not get paid off enough for her blackmail, “If I knew he would be President I would have asked for much more” gets a key to the city.  Go California!

Scientists discover opioids in Seattle’s Puget Sound mussels – This explains the new fad in Seattle, “skin popping shellfish.”

Sinkhole Appears on White House Lawn – Trump claims it is a result of draining the swamp!

30-year-old ordered to vacate parents' home claims they harassed him –  his parents were demanding he get a full-time job, health insurance and sessions with a therapist, but he said he "didn't need any of those things." Well no; not as long as he could just sponge off mom and dad!

Florida couple finds 300-pound alligator swimming in their pool – “Marco…Polo, Marco…Poly crap!”

FLYING A-HOLE OF THE WEEK AWARD:

Writer: I Would Rather My Daughter to Date an MS-13 Member Over a Republican* – And this weeks Flying A-hole award goes to writer Rob Rousseau who doesn’t have a daughter, but if he did would rather have her date a member of the gang whose motto is “rape, control, kill” than someone who might be so outrageous as to wear a MAGA hat.

CONGRATULATIONS Rob Rousseau, you earned it, and may you NEVER have a daughter!

*I apologize for this slightly political comment, but if you wish to defend Mr. Rousseau, please feel free to grab the award for yourself.

FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE WEEK

Teen who used to sleep in homeless-shelters gets full ride to Harvard – This is much better than any “Dog saves owner story!”

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/teen-who-says-he-used-to-sleep-in-homeless-shelters-gets-full-ride-to-harvard/

___________________________

Come Back Again Next Week for More

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!!

Prom Night

Prom Night

It is that time of year where high school kids all over are preparing for Prom Night.  Ah yes, Prom Night, the greatest night of a young teens life.  You get dressed up for a date with your best girl for a night like no other.  Music, dancing, fancy decorations, and good friends, it is an exciting night for sure.

Expectations are high for Prom Night.  You might sneak in a little booze.  You might get lucky.  All you hear from others about Prom Nights past is exciting.  There are stories of all-nighters, sleeping on the beach, getting hammered and getting lucky.

Mrs. C was talking about her Prom Night the other day.  She claims she got stuck at the loser’s table with a date who had girlfriend…not her.  Apparently, the night was not good.

I remember my Prom experience well.  As I recall in those days and probably still true today, to get a date for Prom Night you had to ask the girl early.  I had dated a nice young lady a few times and by February I knew I had to ask her for Prom Night or she would have another and probably better offer.

I had a date, but by March we were not talking.  I don’t remember why, nothing horrible.  I think maybe it was because she was super smart and I was something less than super smart…not even almost super smart. 

I figured since we were not even talking, that’s it, I would not be going to Prom Night.  Truth be told I was fine with that; not happy but resigned to it.

Two weeks before Prom Night I got a call from this young lady telling me the color of her dress and asking what time I would be picking her up.  I told her I assumed we would not be going to Prom Night.

I received an earful.

“No way, this is Prom Night, I am not missing out on it!”

She would rather go to Prom with someone she was not even talking to than not go at all.

Apparently, Prom Night to a teenage girl is like Disney World to a three-year-old.  Expectations are high, higher than can possibly be met, but going is important no matter what.

Surprisingly It turned out great.  We had fun at a pre-Prom dinner and there was a spark.  I scored some booze during Prom and afterwards we went to the shore and spent the night on the beach where we both got hammered and I got lucky!

Well all of that happened except for the scoring booze and getting hammered.

And spending the night on the beach.

And getting lucky.

Actually, we didn’t talk to each other through dinner or Prom.  Carrie had a better Prom than I did.  I was home before Johnny Carson finished his monolog.

Still, on further reflection I would have to say I had more fun on Prom Night than on any trip to Disney World.

Woah Man’s Work

Woah Man’s Work (satire alert is on)

Ah for the good old days where work was separated around the house as man’s work and woman’s work.

Man’s work was taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn, raking the leaves and cleaning the garage.  When that was done man could put up his feet, drink beer and watch the game.

Ah the good old days.

These days woman’s work is for both genders.  For the most part man’s work has not changed, but let’s face it, man’s work has always been pretty easy, sweaty perhaps, but still pretty easy.

Woman’s work, on the other hand, we men have found is pretty hard.  Well, not actually that difficult, it is just the difference in gender standards. 

Women believe in “perfect.”

Men ascribe to its “Good’n’uff.”

Women’s standard trumps men’s standard, but often not without a battle.

Woman’s standards have been established by generations of homemakers trying to out do each other.  Clean laundry, clean floors, and spotless dishes are critiqued by neighbors, in-laws and TV commercials.  Anything less than perfect and women will be talked about. Being talked about is serious business to a woman.

Man’s standard of “Good’n’uff” is the result of a combination of lazy and thinking out of the box for a quicker way to do anything.  “Good’n’uff” is also man’s way of doing woman’s work with dignity.  If you do not understand that concept, you are a woman…or maybe a little gay (not that there is anything wrong with that.)

The result of these two standards, and the integration of all housework to be non-gender specific, is a cause of much strife in marriages today. 

Men are expected to do some of the housework, but they can never measure up to a woman’s standards.  Even if they do, a woman worth her salt will find and point out a flaw…if you do not understand this concept, you are a man.

No matter how much I scrub and clean the bathroom, my wife will find a hair where I just finished cleaning.  All rooms have small hairs floating around just waiting for somewhere to fall after it has been wiped, it is a law of nature.  It happens after a woman cleans up, but a man never notices because everything is “Good’n’uff.”

When a man loads the dishwasher a woman always needs to readjust the load to get in one more dish, apparently it saves on water which is very important. 

“You would know that if you paid the water bill!”

A man can put the clean dishes away, but only 90% of them.  Women switch where some dishes go, and women always must finish the job, as if leaving some dishes on the counter isn’t “Good’n’uff.”

The interesting thing about today’s Woah Man’s work is that if a man can actually achieve a woman’s standards it upsets the natural way of things.  When a man does everything just right, a woman feels incomplete.  She cannot concede that a man could learn to do more than just “Good’n’uff.”

A man quickly learns that a woman needs to put her touch on any household chore to feel complete.  Men quickly learn that “Good’n’uff” is actually perfect.  Much like if a woman actually mows the lawn, she will leave a few un-cut clumps to make her man feel special.

And so, battles go and truces are found.

Dating Lessons

Dating Lessons

 This cranky re-run is from May 2015

When I was but a young lad and wanted to impress a young lady, I always dressed my best.  I showered, applied several layers of deodorant, splashed on gobs of aftershave, and slicked my hair down so it wouldn’t move out of place.

I would wear my favorite shoes with my favorite pair of socks, my favorite shirt and my favorite pair of pants. 

Sometimes I would not see that young lady again. 

If I did win a second date I would first be told,

“Its, going to be cool out, so don’t worry about…you know…the heat and stuff, and we will be inside so you won’t need much aftershave, and I like your white socks and the striped shirt and those plaid pants, but I’ll bet you’d look nice with dark socks and a solid shirt.”

If the young lady really liked me, by the third date she might say,

 “Listen, go light on the deodorant, I hate ‘English Leather’, never wear white socks with long pants, stripes and checks make you look like a clown, and for crap sake, stop with the grease and let your hair be natural! You don’t have any sisters do you?”

I learned that if I wanted a fourth date I'd damn well better follow directions.

Wedding Critique

Wedding Critique

I woke up early Saturday morning with the TV typically tuned to Mrs. C’s favorite show, “Four Weddings.”  This is a show where four brides attend each other’s wedding and then grade them on various factors, like dress, decorations, the reception and so on, all in the hopes of winning a three-day honeymoon to the Holiday Inn in Trinidad and Tobago.

“This one is over the top, but I’d have to take points of on the dress, it is way ugly! And what the hell is the groom wearing, is this a costume theme wedding?”

“This isn’t “Four Weddings” you goof, it is the Royal Wedding with Harry and Meghan.”

“Oh, kind of early isn’t it?”

“It’s in England, different time zone.”

“Oh.”

This was a real WASP* wedding.  Lots of tradition and ceremony, and very little show of emotion. 

Unlike a Jewish wedding, there was no glass stomping or couple in a chair hoisting.

Unlike a Greek wedding there was no plate throwing or dancing to plink-a-tee-plink music.

Unlike an Irish wedding there was no drinking, sweating and vomiting.

Unlike an African American wedding there was no shouting, stomping and group singing.

Unlike an Italian wedding there was no shooting.

(Did I cover enough stereotypes and offend enough?)

No, this was a good old fashion WASP wedding.  Slow, tedious, long, expensive, boring, and emotionless.

The best part of this wedding was the TV commentators. They gushed over every boring nuance of this very WASP wedding, and any hint of feeling or emotion was worthy of comment.

“Simon, I loved how the Prince and Meghan acted, they were so proper and adorable.”

“Yes Margaret, and at one point they almost seemed human, like when the Prince gave out a half smile.”

“Oh. Yes Simon, and the crowd loved it when Harry scratched his ass, just like a real person!”

“Interesting how the Black minister shouted ‘Can I have an AMEN’ and everyone present mumbled, ‘I say, what was that?’”

“Yes Simon, that was delightful.”

“Oh, and the father, Charles, at one point I swear I saw him blink.”

“Did you see Camilla?  I believe a lip reader picked up on a conversation…

‘WTF Charlie, you couldn’t marry me because I was divorced; this Meghan was divorced and I’ve heard she is only half white.  When did your mum loosen up?’”

“Oh yes, and then Charles answered, “Why um…harrumph.”

“So delightful!”

“Wait, here comes a choreographed kiss…Oh my, a royal peck and the crowd goes wild!”

“Simon, is that the Queen, I think it is the Queen.  It is someone under a giant hat alongside an old man who has never been in the sun.”

Ah yes, it was a glorious wedding, pomp, ceremony, expensive and without emotion…every little WASP girl’s dream, but if this was part of “Four Weddings” I’d give it a 4 out of 10.  It was too long, I couldn’t hear some of the vows and the cello music was too slow to dance to.

*White Anglo-Saxon Protestant or With All Seriousness Please.

STUPID HEADLINES 052018

STUPID HEADLINES 052018
(What, this is Monday? oops)

It is time again for

Oh... SAX!

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sometimes sophomoric comments.

________________________________

Arizona woman, 31, stalked date, said she wanted to bathe in his blood in one of 65,000 texts – On the plus side, she does have nice honkers!

Meghan Markle, Prince Harry snub 'most beautiful royal' by not inviting her to royal wedding – Apparently, Corgi’s are not their thing.

Pope blesses Lamborghini that sold for $950,000 – Sure that is a lot of money, but this thing can race at God-speed.

Nebraska police nab teen for trying to swipe cat – WTF!  There are only about 2 billion shelters trying to give them away. *

Scientists train spider to jump on command – The command is “Here comes my boot!”

Missouri firefighter takes care of hummingbird that was discovered unresponsive – Nice story, but what was the most amazing to me was the first reader comment on the story “Ahh yes. This is why we pay them so much in salary and pensions.” This was from jsmith89104. 

So, jsmith89104, you are the first winner of the Cranky Biggest Flying Asshole Story Commenter of the Week Award! Congratulations jsmith89104!!

Hawaii volcano emits massive cloud of ash into sky, but golfers seem oblivious – The rule clearly states that molten hot lave is not a natural hazard and player is allowed a free drop two club lengths away from the lava…if however, the ball was disintegrated from the heat there is a two stroke penalty.

Donald Trump Jr. gave daughter a puppy for her birthday – Unless the puppy is a Russian Wolfhound, why is this in the news?

Mother changes son's name after botched tattoo spells it wrong – Welcome to the world baby Maryamm.

Yanny or Laurel? Trump says, 'I hear covfefe' – That’s funny no matter what your politics.

Meghan Markle stuns in Clare Waight Keller for Givenchy at royal wedding – Personally I was hoping for a Pnina Tornai sleeveless Ballroom with crumb-catcher, a beaded-bodice and some Swarovski crystal bling…this dress had no wow factor!

Why yes, I do watch “Say Yes to The Dress.”

*I could have gone the “Cat Burglar” comment route.

FEEL-GOOD STORY of the WEEK

Hero dog rescues his pal from drowning in pool in viral video – A good dog story always makes me feel-good!

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2018/05/15/hero-dog-rescues-his-pal-from-drowning-in-pool-in-viral-video.html

____________________________________

Come back again next week for more

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!

Enough!

Enough!

A cranky opinion for

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with little knowledge on the topic opined.  Opposing opinions are wrong.  Suggestions outlined may not be sufficient to solve the problem, they are a start.  Get some smart people on the case with better ideas and fix this crap, but enough is enough. It can be stopped.

Getting on an airplane today is a pain in the butt.  You have to clear your luggage and carry-on, you have to go through an x-ray machine, you have to take off your shoes, belt and whatever; it sucks.  It was a much nicer experience years ago. Today we have been inconvenienced, it is costing us more money, and we have lost some privacy to just fly on a plane.

On the flip side, we have not had hijackings, no planes have been intentionally flown into buildings since 09-11-01.

In addition to the inconvenient checking before boarding a plane, the pilots cabin is more secure, and there may or may not be an air marshal on board who is armed and trained to take down bad people.

It is a pain, it is expensive, but that is what it has come to in order to fly safely.

It is time to do the same in our schools, and probably other soft targets.  You can not go to a concert without at least having your bags checked and often go through personal screening, the same with most sporting events and even Disney theme parks.

Time to stop school shootings.  How?  It will be a pain, it will be expensive, it has to be done.

1. All students and teachers must have identification to enter school grounds.
2. All bags must be given at least a cursory check and a few if not all randomly x-rayed.  We must do whatever it takes to make sure bad people can not enter school  with a gun.
3. Every class room should be equipped with some form deterrent such as mace or pepper spray or even a gun.
4. In addition to trained security present, especially at opening of the day, there should be unidentified trained armed personnel or, much like air marshals program, the expectation that a school may have such personnel.
5. Students and teachers must go through periodic, random psychological testing.

Additionally, gun regulations throughout the country must be more stringent than today.  A gun or ammo should not be available for legal purchase to anyone who does not have a license that certifies that a person has proven gun proficiency, knows basic gun safety, and has psychological clearance.  The penalty for selling a gun or ammo to anyone without such a license should be severe enough to discourage such activity.

That’s it!  Enough is enough, we should take whatever steps reasonable to finally end this violence.

Please don’t bother telling me about how we need guns to keep our government honest, number one that is stupid, number two, no one is suggesting taking away your guns.  Never mind, “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people!”  That is stupid on steroids!  Guns clearly make people killing people really fucking efficient.  You do not see any mass murders using knives.

Will these types of regulations and security steps stop the insanity? 

Nothing can assure soft targets are always absolutely safe, but we can sure as hell make it a lot more difficult for whack-a-doodles to heap their destruction on innocent children.

Enough!

The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management, though I’m pretty sure Mrs. Cranky agrees.