Wedding Critique

Wedding Critique

I woke up early Saturday morning with the TV typically tuned to Mrs. C’s favorite show, “Four Weddings.”  This is a show where four brides attend each other’s wedding and then grade them on various factors, like dress, decorations, the reception and so on, all in the hopes of winning a three-day honeymoon to the Holiday Inn in Trinidad and Tobago.

“This one is over the top, but I’d have to take points of on the dress, it is way ugly! And what the hell is the groom wearing, is this a costume theme wedding?”

“This isn’t “Four Weddings” you goof, it is the Royal Wedding with Harry and Meghan.”

“Oh, kind of early isn’t it?”

“It’s in England, different time zone.”

“Oh.”

This was a real WASP* wedding.  Lots of tradition and ceremony, and very little show of emotion. 

Unlike a Jewish wedding, there was no glass stomping or couple in a chair hoisting.

Unlike a Greek wedding there was no plate throwing or dancing to plink-a-tee-plink music.

Unlike an Irish wedding there was no drinking, sweating and vomiting.

Unlike an African American wedding there was no shouting, stomping and group singing.

Unlike an Italian wedding there was no shooting.

(Did I cover enough stereotypes and offend enough?)

No, this was a good old fashion WASP wedding.  Slow, tedious, long, expensive, boring, and emotionless.

The best part of this wedding was the TV commentators. They gushed over every boring nuance of this very WASP wedding, and any hint of feeling or emotion was worthy of comment.

“Simon, I loved how the Prince and Meghan acted, they were so proper and adorable.”

“Yes Margaret, and at one point they almost seemed human, like when the Prince gave out a half smile.”

“Oh. Yes Simon, and the crowd loved it when Harry scratched his ass, just like a real person!”

“Interesting how the Black minister shouted ‘Can I have an AMEN’ and everyone present mumbled, ‘I say, what was that?’”

“Yes Simon, that was delightful.”

“Oh, and the father, Charles, at one point I swear I saw him blink.”

“Did you see Camilla?  I believe a lip reader picked up on a conversation…

‘WTF Charlie, you couldn’t marry me because I was divorced; this Meghan was divorced and I’ve heard she is only half white.  When did your mum loosen up?’”

“Oh yes, and then Charles answered, “Why um…harrumph.”

“So delightful!”

“Wait, here comes a choreographed kiss…Oh my, a royal peck and the crowd goes wild!”

“Simon, is that the Queen, I think it is the Queen.  It is someone under a giant hat alongside an old man who has never been in the sun.”

Ah yes, it was a glorious wedding, pomp, ceremony, expensive and without emotion…every little WASP girl’s dream, but if this was part of “Four Weddings” I’d give it a 4 out of 10.  It was too long, I couldn’t hear some of the vows and the cello music was too slow to dance to.

*White Anglo-Saxon Protestant or With All Seriousness Please.