|Yes, another re-run|
NEW AND IMPROVED
This blog is now sugar FREE, fat FREE, gluten FREE, all ORGANIC and all NATURAL!!
Monday, December 31, 2018
A NEW YEARS FOOTBALL RANT
Hell no, there is no such thing as too much football.
This rant is about the TV football color analysts.
Dudes…your job is to explain the game, explain each play, analyze situations, and add color and understanding for the vast audience with low testosterone.
What do you do instead?
You use stupid confusing terminology that your audience which already knows what is happening can interpret, but confuses the audience for which you were hired to explain the game.
Por exemplum (I was forced to take Latin in high school and I will use it…dammit!) and as a public service: here is some common “Analyst” terminology, what it sounds like, and what it actually means.
“He needs to use his legs to move the sticks.” FRIGGIN WHAT?
The quarterback should run more often to get a first down. “The sticks” are the markers that represent the yard marker for a first down.
“He’s gotta make that catch!” Is it a penalty if he drops it?
It was a catch-able ball and if they don’t make the easy catches it will be hard to win. You are allowed to drop the ball without a penalty.
“They need to run the ball north and south.” What; do they need a compass?
It means run the ball straight up the middle of the field…yes, some fields do run east west…
“This guy is a great down-hill runner.” Which way is down-hill; north or south?
It means he runs hard and with a lot of momentum…no it is not you, it is a stupid expression. Oh, also runs north…north is forward, south is backward…I KNOW!
“The name of this game is 'hit'!” Why do you always call it football?
It is called football. “The name of the game is (insert anything here)” is a stupid expression for hitting is important. Sometimes the name of the game is block, or tackle, or control the clock…Once again…I KNOW!
“This guy is going to be great at the next level.” So, he doesn’t run down-hill?
Next level means the pro’s…He is good enough to play pro-football.
“If you give him too much time he is going to pick you apart.” Pick you apart? Isn’t that unnecessary roughness?
He will have time to find open pass receivers and will gain ground with easy completions…yes North completions.
“You can’t just stand around. You have to put a hat on somebody!” Hat? Like hat trick? Is this hockey or is it football…or 'hit'?
Put a hat on someone means to block someone…yes…I KNOW!
“We will be seeing him a lot on Sundays.” What? He goes to church?
They play pro-football on Sundays, so this player will make it to the next level. Are you getting the hang of it yet?…no, hang time means kicking the ball real high…I KNOW!
“Here comes the hands team.” Don’t they all have hands?
No, some teams don’t have hands.
“I’d keep it on the ground here.” Didn’t you say a fumble was bad?
That means he thinks they should run the ball not pass it…I KNOW!
“He needs to air it out.” Does the ball smell?
That means he thinks they should pass the ball.
“That one needed to have some extra air.” Why don’t they pump all the balls up the same?
It means throw the ball higher…hang time is for a kick, more air is for a pass…I KNOW!
“That is two three and outs in a row.” I thought strike outs were in baseball.
You get four downs to move the ball ten yards. If you move it ten yards you get a new set of four downs. If you don’t get a first down after three tries…you know what, never mind, strike outs are in baseball not football.
“They’re lining up in the pistol.” WHAT?
It is kind of like the shot-gun but not quite a wildcat formation. It means the backfield takes a direct snap, but from only a few yards and it is the regular quarterback and not the wildcat player who…ah hell, I don’t know either, I don’t think anyone does.
Just turn to the discovery channel, there is a “Say Yes to the Dress” marathon all New Year’s Day!
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!
Sunday, December 30, 2018
STUPID HEADLINES 123018
This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.
High schools and colleges reward students' passion for esports – I’m not one to make moral judgements, but I just think this is…what? Oh esports…never mind.
Professional golfer and his caddie arrested for poaching at a tiger reserve – A tiger reserve, is that in the Woods?
Atlanta mayor defends ‘dry’ mac and cheese Christmas dish after photo causes Twitter uproar – “Twitter?” Internet speak for “I have no life what-so-ever?”
Troops bringing Trump hats to sign may violate military rule – So, Trump might have done something nice and not controversial and one news outlet still gives it a negative spin! Anyone want a soldier to get court martialed for having a hat signed by the President?
ServPro First Responder Bowl's cancellation over lightning after only 10 minutes of play – Strangely enough, the “ServPro” motto is “Like it never even happened!”
UMass Amherst told student to remove 'F— Nazis' sign because it wasn't 'inclusive' – I could think of several reasons why this sign might not be appropriate in a University, but not including Nazis would be last on the list.
College football player to forgo senior season to join seminary - Now that is how a quarterback calls a real Hail Mary!
New York Town Hosts Toy Gun Exchange for Children – Toy guns for children? That does not seem to be a fair (or legal) exchange.
‘Sesame Street’ character Grover accused of cursing, divides Internet – Internet is divided between “I don’t care” and “I don’t give a shit!”
How to Invest in Marijuana Stocks – Buy Frito-Lay!
Armed standoff lasts 10 hours, then a SWAT member sang "White Christmas" – “Come out with your hands up or I’m singing…I mean it, I’ll do it!”
There were NO Feel-good headlines this week!
Thursday, December 27, 2018
Am I the only one who gets stupid anonymous comments? I assume I am not. What are these people (bots) after? I do not publish them. What do they gain? What satisfaction do they get?
I don’t get it.For example:
Today, I went to the beach with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.”; She placed the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is completely off topic but I had to tell someone! on
No you didn’t! And btw idiot, hermit crabs don’t bite…WHAT DO YOU WANT??
You had a 4 day hunt about me and my wife fighting over closet space?? Who are you, Latka Gravas? Learn English and learning to be speller.
|Latka from "Taxi"|
Anonymous on 12/24/18
What? Myspace? Does that even exist anymore?
No you do not, and how the frig would I fix it if you did…GO AWAY!!
Er…information? It was a stupid poem about being drunk…NO INFORMATION AT ALL…GO AWAY!!!
Absolutely, I love guest bloggers. How can I reach you and who the fuck are you?
Please tell me how to respond so I can tell you to FUCK OFF!! You want to create a blog, go to blogger.com, it is not rocket science…GO AWAY!!
I do not use WYSIWYG, I use GETTHEFUCKOFFMYBLOG!!
Great internet site! It looks extremely professional! Maintain the good work! on
Why thank you. I will expect to maintain the good work for your enjoymenting very muchly.
I get three of four of these every day. They are not a problem, they are simple to delete. I am just truly curious as to why someone would take the time to respond like this or to create some friggin program to attach comments to blogs. It must take some time. It must involve some effort? What are they getting for the effort?
Wednesday, December 26, 2018
I don’t know if it is age or lack of practice, but my writing looks like a five year old’s, only worse.
I wonder if it is just me.
Mrs. C’s writing is notoriously bad and apparently always has been. My handwriting has never been very good, perhaps because I write lefthanded, but currently it is awful. It is not only awful, but I also write very slowly, forming each letter with great tongue-sticking-out effort and have great difficulty keeping the letters in a straight line.
Previously, even though my writing was bad, at least I could write fast. My writing looked a little sloppy, but it was legible.
I suspect it is because I have been writing via keyboard for the last 30 plus years. I do not write letters, I send email. Almost anything I wrote at work years ago was on the computer and obviously my blog is done on the computer.
I think the only thing I actually write on with an actual pen is when I sign a card or fill out a check. Apparently if you do not use a skill, you do lose it. I wonder what else I can no longer do for lack of practice.
I can jog fast, but I don’t think I could run without injuring myself. I wonder if I can still skip…I haven’t skipped in years.
I probably can no longer ride a skateboard, come to think of it I never rode a skateboard.
I used to be able to throw a ball, not great, but OK. The last time I tried, I threw like a girl, that’s right, I said it you feminists. Actually I still throw better than most girls, except for my daughter-in-law who was a two time softball all-American and has a rocket for an arm.
I think I could still ride a bike, but only with both hands on the handlebar. As a kid we would ride all over with no hands, steering by just shifting our weight, might be a bad idea today.
I can still kick a ball, but probably only half as far as I used to kick one.
There are some things that I can do that I didn’t used to be able to do. I can do laundry, clean dishes, and even clean bathrooms, not often, but as a kid I had zero practice at these chores.
Use it or lose it they say, I guess that is why Mrs. C has me write all our checks.
Monday, December 24, 2018
CRANKY’s POEM OF CHRISTMAS EVES PAST
‘Twas the night before Christmas
In my little house
I tried to play Santa
Though I was half soused
The children were sleeping
Content they’d not sinned
They had not a clue
Dad was three sheets to the wind
Trying to construct
A bike or a plane
While being half toasted
Was simply insane
There was no excuse
For my sorry condition
But getting bombed on this night
Was my Christmas tradition
On Lancer’s on Gray Goose
On Dewars I’m sippin
Screw Rudolph and Donnar
I’m getting Blitzen
The presents were laid out
The stockings filled in a hurry
I staggered upstairs
With sight that was blurry
The children awoke
And jumped on our bed
In their excitement
They didn’t care of my head
Down the stairs
To the tree they did run
The presents; the stockings
Were nothing but fun
The children were happy
They were all in high clover
Merry Christmas to all
And to Dad a hangover
The new, improved, sober Cranky say's drink responsibly, and if you must drink...don't wrap presents!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!! - I'll be back next year.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!! - I'll be back next year.