STUPID HEADLINES 120218
This week’s stupid headlines and my
stupider sometimes sophomoric comments.
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Vermont couple’s peacock runs away to
join flock of turkeys – Pretty stupid bird to join turkeys right before Thanksgiving, like
declaring yourself a virgin on Volcano Appeasement Day.
This university is arming students
and faculty with hockey pucks in case of a shooting – That would make me feel a lot safer! Is this The Don Rickles School of Comedy?
Is it safe to eat romaine lettuce
again? – No way, you
try and serve romaine lettuce to me and I’ll nail you with a hockey puck!
Kevin Owens Challenges Elton John to
WrestleMania Match – This might work, Elton would enter the ring to “Don’t go Breaking my
Head” and win by Smashing Owens with a high heel shoe and finish the match
singing “I’m still Standing.”
France to reimburse citizens for
condoms in an effort to prevent STDs – How will they know who to reimburse…never mind, I don’t want
to know.
Airline agent mocked 5-year-old
girl’s name, mother claims – In defense of the agent, the girl’s name pronounced “Abcity”
was spelled Abcde. If you don’t want
people making fun of your daughter’s name, give her a REAL name or don’t spell it Abcde!
Starbucks will block porn on free
Wi-Fi starting next year – So what? I prefer watching my porn at Home Depot anyway. Seriously, they don’t let you use the rest
room, but people were watching porn over their latte? Who does that?
Inmates are suing to overturn a ban
on pornography in Iowa prisons – What kind of world is this that criminals can watch porn in
prison and I can’t have my porn at Starbucks?
Payless dupes fashion influencers
into buying $640 shoes – They opened a store called “Paylessi” and idiot fashion experts gushed
over the quality and craftmanship of the regular old Payless shoes…sorry, but
fashion is such bullshit, bunch of assholes telling people what is good, and
idiots being impressed with their opinion.
Florida woman accused of pulling
knife on customer she offended when she passed gas – They take their farting serious in
Florida!
ASS-HOLE OF THE WEEK
Kansas high school football coach
gets ice bath after winning title, absolutely hates it – Come on dude, it’s a tradition; way
to ruin the mood of a bunch of kids celebrating. I’ll bet you whipped them pretty good during
the season but can’t take this? Tough
Guy.
Congrats you
won Ass-hole of the week!
FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE
WEEK
Bus driver buys homeless rider
dinner, lets him stay on warm bus all night – If this doesn’t make you feel good,
you are missing that internal organ that pumps blood.
I heard that there are over 500 kids in the US with the name Abcde. Guess they now know what to expect.
ReplyDeleteAlso I saw that story about the bus driver. What a guy!!!
Who would do that to a kid?!
ReplyDeleteWhere did you find these headlines? They are awesome. Bus driver is a good man.
That camel-lover brought Hump Day to a whole new level! As for that Florida stabby-farter...all I can say is, Florida never lets us down!
ReplyDeleteLoved your headlines--AGAIN!!
ReplyDeleteI read many of those articles and had the same reaction as you. I saw your feel good story on ABC news and shed a few tears on that one.
ReplyDelete"What kind of world is this that criminals can watch porn in prison and I can’t have my porn at Starbucks?" You have totaled the current state of this world in one sentence. I applaud you, sir!
ReplyDeleteI think pouring liquids over thecwinning Coach is a stupid tradition — was probablynpretty funny and unexpected the first time OT two itbwas done. Way past time now to jettison that idea and get a new tradition started.
ReplyDelete