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Monday, August 1, 2011

MY WIFE IS TURNING ME GAY

MY WIFE IS TURNING ME GAY

I married my wife on 12/11/10 (she thought even I could remember that date).  When we married I was a heterosexual.  I know I was heterosexual because I have had four children through previous marriages.  Other signs which would confirm my gender preference are I am a slob, I love sports, I watch football four times a week when in season, I have no taste in clothes, I fart, and I am a conservative.
I have reason to believe my wife became Mrs. Cranky at least partly because I was a heterosexual.  She seems to enjoy the fact that I prefer the company of a woman, and yet I believe she is turning me gay.

This process is slow and insidious.  First, she is not a neat person.  I find myself picking up and cleaning where I would never have done so before.  Gay?  She does not like make-up.  She seldom wears lipstick mascara or rouge.  Yet I am still attracted.  Gay?  I know what rouge is.  Gay?
Next she slowly gets me hooked on TV shows I never before would have even paused over on the remote; “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette.”  I began saying things like “I wonder if Jason will choose Amy.   They have had such an awesome journey and shared such amazing times.”  Or “I hate that Robert, how can Sarah give him a rose?  He is sooo inattentive.”  Gay?

She now has me hooked on “Americas Next Top Model”, “Project Runway”, and “Say Yes to the Dress.”  The other day I caught myself saying, “That dress has too much rouging, I hate the crumb-catcher, there is no wow factor and the mermaid cut does not go with her figure.”  GAY!!

Two weeks ago she actually had me watching soccer…..WOMEN’S SOCCER.



As I sit on the toilet peeing, I worry about this transformation.  It is not that there is anything wrong with being gay; it’s just that I thought I had the whole straight thing down, and I think I am too old to change.

My last hope is football; NFL football.  I thought I was doomed while it looked like a strike/lockout would cancel this year’s season, but it seems that was settled.  I am saved. 

Football!  Hitting, gouging, dirt, blood, fights, pain, guys carried off the field on a stretcher.  Football!  Just in time to keep me on the XY chromosome team.

I cannot wait for the start of the season.  My only concern is the NY Giants’ uniform.  I heard they were switching the home-game uniform from cobalt blue to powder blue. 
I think the powder blue will clash with the new hunter green turf.  

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23 comments:

  1. I use to shave my chest, now I'm married, I wax it. GAY or GAY to GAYER

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  2. An ode to my mom on her birthday?

    Erm, Matt, maybe Gay to GAYER. Ha ha haa... :P

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  3. I think you're safe, but please you've got to give the girlie shows a miss - that is a little gay!

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  4. My boyfriends only manly redeeming feature is that he likes motorbikes...

    At least you've got sports going for you!

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  5. My husband and I were just discussing last night his wind problem....while we watched a girlie makeover show. Think he was just farting to prove his manliness while watching said show.

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  6. Hilarious! Just the kind of thing I needed to read today :)

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  7. Hahaha, hilarious post! You're not turning gay as far as I can see, just becoming the ideal man :) I now have hope for my own 'cranky 30-something man'.

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  8. You must be old....I don't think women even use rouge anymore ;-)

    And The Husband also sits down to pee, so you're not alone. But he doesn't do it because he's gay, he does it because he's too darn lazy to stand up.

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  9. I found you through Flog Yo Blog and I'm so glad. Finally a man with something funny and useful to say. Love it.

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  10. "As I sit on the toilet peeing...."

    omg that made me laugh!

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  11. ....oh, one more thing: if your wife turns you any gayer (is that a word?) then there's no WAY you could kick my husband's ass. Just say'n.

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  12. Haha! I wish I could make my man a little more "gayer"... Maybe when we get kids one day...

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  13. I just had my hubby read this post and he is cracking up he now knows that he too has been turned.....

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  14. "As I sit on the toilet peeing"- Gender change too??

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  15. You're watching waaaaay too much reality TV. That's not gay, that's the modern world...

    Visiting via the Rewind.

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  16. Thanks for the chuckle! Great post. Forwarding to my husband to see if he recognises the signs!

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  17. Oh God, you're right!

    Powder Blue and Green? Oh Hell No!

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  18. Oh my. Funny as. That's what marriage does. As you say, insidious...

    I would forward this onto my lovely husband for a chuckle, only I fear he would stop his gay-ish habit of tidying up after me...

    Thanks for the giggle, and indeed for linking up via the Weekend Rewind...

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  19. oh, but being gay is so fun.... happiness abounds!.. stay with it.

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  20. Oh I remember this one - its still funny. Good. Visitng (late) from the Weekend Rewind. xxx

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  21. "As I sit on the toilet peeing, I worry about this transformation."

    Teehee.

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