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Thursday, August 25, 2011
I am an addictive person. I know that. I am a fidget. Addictions help reduce the fidgeting; but the replacement behavior is generally worse than the fidgeting. I think I have a mild case of Tourette’s syndrome. I know that sounds awful because of the involuntary cursing associated with Tourette’s. I don’t do the cursing (not involuntary anyway), but I do fidget.
When I was a child these involuntary twitches and muscle spasms were embarrassing. My brothers made fun of me, my parents just told me to stop. Stopping was not an option, but as I got older I learned to control the spasms and twitching or hold off till no one was watching. Apparently even today when I am tired or nervous I am not that adept at hiding the twitches.
When I was in my thirties I first heard of Tourette’s. “Damn!” I thought, “That’s what I’ve got.” I never bothered to get a diagnosis, what is the difference. I was just happy to put a name on the affliction and to know that there were others like me.
From time to time I see others with the “twitchy thing” and I wonder if they realize what it is or if they think it is just them. They probably see me and think the same thing.
I think it is the “twitchy thing” that makes me an addictive personality. I used to chew my nails (I know..Eeeww!) That habit reduced the twitching. I learned to substitute nail tapping for chewing, and started smoking cigarettes.
Cigarette smoking was great for limiting the twitching, not so great for breathing. I have quit several times, most recently this January.
Drinking really helped limit the twitching. Drinking, smoking and nail tapping eliminated it all together. Getting hammered every night, however, seemed to be a worse thing then the twitching. When I retired, and my 2nd wife threw me out, I started getting hammered in the daytime. That was really not a good idea….. but I hardly ever twitched.
I managed to quit the smoking (8 months now), and knocked off the drinking to an occasional social beer, wine or scotch. My third wife seems to know how to distract me from these addictions. Outside of the nail tapping I thought I had the addiction thing beaten; until today.
Today I came to my son’s house, two hours from home, to learn my grandchildren’s schedule as I will be sitting for them once a week during school (my son and daughter-in-law are both teachers.) Their house is temporarily without internet access. I am climbing the walls. It turns out I am addicted to the internet; in particular I am addicted to my blog. I am unable to see when someone visits my blog. I am unable to read any comments, I am unable to read other blogs. I will be without internet access until tomorrow.
I am starting to twitch.