HEADLINES 8-27
Pyongyang orders South Koreans to quit joint resort – South Koreans complain on leaving, “Dude, like what the hell man?”
8-Year-Old Searching for Food, Water Gets Stuck in Chimney – Parents vow to keep food and water in the fridge from now on.
New Jersey Doctor Accused of Poking Girl With Screwdriver – Doctor used a flathead, while girl was a Phillips head.
Halliburton Exec Takes Swig of Fracking Fluid – Concoction relieved his indigestion, but gas release cleared the board room!
Eric Gein Sells Soil From Serial Killer Anthony Sowell's Home – Ill gotten Gein? This is just wrong on so many levels!
After Calls by Ban Ki-Moon for Austerity Measures, UN Staffers Get Pay Hike – You know, it is just really expensive doing nothing in multiple languages.
Surprise! Alien Planet Made of Diamond Discovered - “The Donald” commissions jewelry maker to produce the world’s largest setting.
'Eyeborg' Man Turns Prosthetic Eye Into Video Camera – Man claims “I always wanted a photographic memory!”
Colorado Remains 'Skinniest' State, Obesity Poll Finds – Oklahoma objects, “Colorado is a big box, no state is skinnier than our pan handle!”
Sex With Cavemen Gave Humans an Immune Boost, Study Says – Add your best caption for this as a comment. The best response will get credit on next week’s End of week Headlines. 
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