MORE SUPER POWERS I WANT
Way back in May, I did a post on Super Powers I Want http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2011/05/super-powers.html. Having nine more months to think about it, I have developed an enhanced list:
1. The ability to understand women. For instance when they say “Don’t get me anything for our anniversary”, do they mean it, or is it a test.
I have been burned both ways. “I told you not to get me anything!” and “I know I said nothing, but when do you ever listen to me?”
2. The ability to telepathically change and lock the TV channel. “Gee honey I don’t know what happened I guess we just have to watch golf until cable fixes the problem.”
3. The ability to change the expiration dates on the coupons of the lady in front of me in the supermarket checkout line.
I know it would only slow me down, but it would be worth it just to fuck with these people.
4. The ability to give a mild shock to teenagers every time they say “like”, “you know”, “awesome” “epic”, or “really?”. Like, you know, don’t you think that would be awesome and epic? You don’t. REALLY?
5. The ability to cause pompous ass-holes to pass loud stinky gas at the most inappropriate of times. I would clear the room during all political debates.
6. I don’t want to be faster than a locomotive or to be able to bend steel with my bare hands, but leaping tall buildings in a single bound would be really fucking cool! Do I really need to comment on this one?
7. Ex-ray vision! Come on I would be discreet…maybe…sometimes.
8. The ability to make politicians respond to questions with a direct non-invasive answer. (I know that one is a little farfetched, that’s why I want #5.)
9. Able to guide large birds and cause them to “smart bomb” people that piss me off. “Gee if you hadn’t cut in line, that pterodactyl would have crapped on me!”
I promise I would only use these powers for the betterment of mankind.
Except for maybe the ex-ray vision thing.