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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

THINGS THAT SUCK

THINGS THAT SUCK


As I am becoming a crotchety old man, I find myself finally able to claim my dislike for certain things that virtually all heterosexual men hate but find it socially difficult to admit their disdain.  I hereby declare once and for all these are things that suck.

APOLOGIES TO HELEN REDDY

I am hetero-man hear me roar

I find these things to be a bore

And I refuse to put up with this shit again

These are all things that suck

They are events that I will duck

Yes I hate them and I won’t pretend



Oh yes I am old

It is age that’s born of pain

I really hate these things

From this crap I will abstain

I am obstinate

I am Neanderthal

I am hetero-man



STUFF THAT SUCKS:

Broadway plays, especially musicals -  Anything you can do live on stage can be created 1000 times better in movies with their special effects, editing, retakes and on-location capabilities. 

Musicals are crappy plays where dialog is delivered in sing-song talk.  No one sounds like that in real life!

Opera – Once again, like the musical, speak dialog, don’t sing it.  Opera is worse than the musical, at least musicals are in English, and the ladies are not all fat!!

Ballet – If I don’t like my stories in song, I sure as hell don’t want to see a story told by dance!

Competitive swimmingBORING!! It can’t be a sport if no one ever gets hurt.

Shakespeare – Thee, thou, shant, havith, wantith, if was thy that want to be than beith that thou wilith want?  WTF!! You might as well sing the freaking story…in Italian!!

Quiche – Mmmm cheesy foam with little bits of crap!! Steak PLEASE!!

Figure Skating – Except for the women’s skimpy outfits and their backwards butt-first runs by the judge's table….BORING!!

TV Award shows – Every artist is a “genius.”  Acting is a “craft” singers are “gifted”, I am sooo honored….clap clap clap….I’d like to thank the academy and everyone I’ve ever met….FUCK YOU!

Any Dancing – There ain’t enough liquor.

Cats and poofey dogs – Gimme a pet that will protect me, retrieve something, or pull something.

The color mauve – If it is not in a Crayola box, it is not a real color!

8 comments:

  1. Aww come on, Operas don't suck. They are a socially acceptable means of torture for women to use again potential dates, everyone takes a really long time to die in an opera, the singers actually have to talented, and where else would it be permissible to sell extraordinarily expensive trinkets, chocolates, and wine, but at an opera??

    And Shakespeare isn't so bad himself. He originated the "Cranky Old Man": John Falstaff. (Henry IV i, ii, and Merry Wives of Windsor.)

    But the rest I agree with!

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  2. I agree with everything except ice skating I don't know bu for some reason this bitch of a sport relaxes me. WTF?

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  3. Boy, you are in a cranky mood!
    Hope you'll publish all the things you enjoy too!
    p.s. have you looked at a Crayola lately?

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  4. I used to think opera sucked, and then I became Administrator at an Opera Theatre, and I found that I actually quite liked it.

    Some musicals are good, others are really quite horrendous, so I may have to give you that one - although Moulin Rouge is good (but then it was made into a film...lol)

    Shakespeare - always easier to understand when spelt right - shalln't not shant...lol...and if you think Shakespeare is bad you should try to read some Chaucer. Have to admit to loving Hamlet and Othello, but then I did study them at school.

    I used to swim competitively, but have to admit - taking part is far more exciting than watching it.

    Quiche I love but then I have a Mum who taught me that good quiche needs to be packed the the gunnels with ham or mushrooms of whatever and less of the eggy bit!

    Love to dance - must be a girl thing

    Hate poofy dogs - if you're going to have a dog, have a dog and not a rat - that's what I say.

    Mauve is a weird colour - can't stand pink either!

    My baby sis is/was into ballet, and he can jazz it up and turn it into something so far from Swan Lake you'd think you were on another planet...Hate classical ballet though - thats the pits!

    Hmmm - not sure if you wanted that much of a response Cranky, but it is what it is....

    Lou :-)

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  5. So far we don't have anything in common... So, what do you like, then? Besides steak!!

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  6. I don't like awards shows.

    I LOVE cats. I really do. Can't have them because husband is allergic (or so he says...hmmmm, I have my doubts on that) but I do love cats. Cats are cool because they can warn you if there is a spirit or a ghost in the room. YES, they can. Their hair stands straight on end and they growl deep in their voice...and then they "watch" as "nothing" passes by. And it FREAKS you out, BIG TIME. Yea, I really do like cats.

    I haven't watched competitive ice skating since that one Olympic year when that one girl whacked the other girl in the knee with the baton ...and then her skate lace came untied during her routine and they let her start over again. What was her name again? Tanya something. And Nancy something. Seriously, if all figure skating events had that kind of drama involved, I'd watch it all the time.

    My mom had her bedroom painted mauve back in the 80's. And she had wallpaper that coordinated. And then she took the color into our living room, too. Everything was mauve. BLAH. I don't care for that color AT ALL.

    I don't like ballet because it embarrasses me to see those men in tights with their manly bulge right there on display....I mean, come on! It's a bit obvious and so obscene, don't you think? If anyone should be wearing a tutu, it should be the MEN. That would at least hide it. Sheesh!

    Never understood a word of Shakespeare. And when you say WFT...I believe it translates into W-ith Thy F-ith

    Opera ~ honestly, I have never tried it. So I can't say for sure if I'd like it or not.

    I do like plays and musicals. What can I say? They entertain me.

    And hey...I used to be a competitive swimmer in high school. Enough said.

    Quiche? Not so much. If I were very, very hungry...maybe. But I usually pass it by on the buffet table.

    Dancing?!! Are you kidding me? Dancing is great! Well...that is...unless you can't dance. You can't dance, can you Cranky? Well then, that explains it.

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  7. Cranky Darling,
    You haven't gone dancing with me and my MILFy friends... xoxo

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  8. Love it Cranky! I couldn't agree more.

    Add to my list of Bloggers new word verification.

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