Wednesday, May 28, 2014
You know the stuff I mean, we used to get them with Cracker Jacks. Crappy little toys, plastic rings, dumb puzzles, anything with holes and a BB. Crap toys are toys that get kids all pumped up because they are “free.” They chaffed my backside because they always broke about two minutes after they came out of the wrapper; free shit that only served to make a small child miserable because it broke before he even had a chance to play with it.
They still have crap toys in Cracker Jacks, but the biggest purveyor of crap toys is McDonalds. Those damn “Happy Meals” always came with a crap toy, and my youngest always wanted the toy more than the burger. And you had to put them together. It was bad enough that the kid got all excited over a piece of plastic shit that you knew was going to break and leave you with a whiney kid, but you had to follow directions to put the crap together.
Directions for a CRAP TOY!
It only took me a few Happy Meals with Spencer before I put the kibosh on all crap toys.
“Ooh Dad, can I get the plastic Sponge Bob with movable arms and legs with my meal?”
“No! I’m not assembling a frapping crap toy that is only going to break and leave you miserable. Don’t even think about it.”
“No! No crap toys!!”
It took a few daddy tantrums to stem the Mickey Dee crap toy requests, and then came the Birthday Party goody bag.
Why kids today have to bring home a goody bag from a birthday party I’ll never know, but if they don’t get one, they are inconsolable. What is inside a goody bag? Crap toys! The typical bag has a pencil with a Power Ranger eraser, a BB puzzle, a plastic spider ring and really bad candy.
I threw several daddy tantrums over these goody bags.
“What the heck are you going to do with that junk? You know the puzzle is going to break, you have a thousand pencils, the ring is a choking hazard and the candy is just sugar. The whole bag is full of CRAP TOYS!! Don’t even open it!”
I may have developed a nasty reputation over this stuff. I realized this one day when coming home from a birthday party where I car pooled one of Spencer’s friends. The two of them were sitting in the back seat and I heard his friend whisper,
“Hey Spence, can I have your Crap Toys?”