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Thursday, May 15, 2014


Have you ever had a friend that doesn’t know anything about you?  You know this guy, everyone knows at least one.  He is the guy that you should never ask “How’s it going.”  “How’s it going” is really not a question, but to this guy it is and you may not really care how it is going, what the hell, he’s going to tell you anyway.  His conversations are always one way.

“Hey Joe, How ya doin?”

“Yo Ralph, you know, pretty good, how’s it going?”

“How’s it going?  I just got back from Vegas, one week vacation.”

Now you pretty much have to ask.

“Vegas, make any money?”      

“Yeah, I hit for a couple of thou at craps.  I owned the dice; I hit everything, 7, 11, made every point…”

This goes on for about twenty minutes.  At one point he pauses to catch his breath so I butt in with some bull shit just to get his attention.

“Yeah, I been busy too; I went to the Artic for an all-inclusive vacation and found gold; then…”

“Gold? I met up with Artie Gold in Vegas, that son-of-a bitch.  I told him hey Artie, you going to pay me that grand you owe me from…”

Of course I have no idea who Artie Gold is, but douche bag could care less.  Fifteen minutes later I try and change the subject.

“Hey you know I’m getting a divorce don’t ya.  The wife’s leaving me just because my penis fell off from that syphilis thing.”

“Really that is a shame, hey speaking of penises did I tell you I got a raise recently…”

After another twenty minutes of “This is my Life” I finally make an excuse to get away.

“That’s just great, wish I could hear more, but I gotta go, just got a tweet, my house is on fire.”

“OK, great talking with you, we should get together soon…did I mention…”

Dang I hate that guy.

I know, you’re going to say I should just tell him he’s an asshole and he should shut the frig up.

I tried that once.

“Right back attcha, hey speaking of assholes, did I tell you about…”


  1. I believe I spoke to his wife just yesterday.

  2. You are right - I know a few people like that, too. You know, the kind where all you do is nod and smile and nod and smile and never say a word. And then they walk away from you, praising you for your conversational skills and manners.

  3. I understand completely. Once my grandmother called, and I said out of habit, "How ya doin'?" Then for 20 minutes I had to hear about her hemorrhoidectomy. True! TMI!

  4. I know this guy. Yes I do. You can't shut them up at all.

    Have a great evening. ☺

  5. i had a friend like that for years. she'd call and keep me on the phone for 2 hours talking about every detail of her life. after i had been reduced to grunts and uh huhs for a long time, she'd finally say, 'so how are you?' i stopped answering the calls and letters. i never could tell her why.

  6. Funny. I think we all know someone like this. They'll talk your ear off without ever asking a single thing about you. So irritating. Take care.

  7. Wait! People don't really want to hear how my day was? Dang. That's as shocking as the day (about five months ago) that I found out England is an island.

  8. Ned Ryerson from Groundhog Day comes to mind.

  9. I had a friend from hs like that. I saw him when I was in college and he was working retail. I was trapped buying some jeans and I heard everything he had done in the past 3 years--baseball career and all. After finally escaping, I laughed to myself that he did not learn one new thing about me.

  10. So tonight I was out and was wearing my souvenir t-shirt from the St Louis Zoo.
    Some guy I hardly know turned it into a one way conversation about how bad Peyton Manning played in the Super Bowl.
    He claimed it was because he's too old.
    I managed to shut him up by pointing out that the Broncos most likely wouldn't have even been to the Super Bowl if he hadn't been a part of the team.

  11. Next time he says "Hey Joe, how ya doing?", you say "fine thanks" and move on.
    Problem solved.

  12. Not sure I'd categorize that kinda person as a "friend." An acquaintance you hope and pray doesn't corner you or worse, sit next to you, at a meeting, maybe, but not a friend. It'd be interesting to see how he'd behave if when he asks you how YOU are, YOU go into a long-winded monologue, without giving him an opportunity to fit a word in edgewise. I dunno if it'd cure him of the habit, but it might cut the interaction a lot shorter.

  13. We have the same friend. Probably couldnt tell you 5 things about me. Haha. Sorry have not been over. Did i tell you im sick? No well let me tell you all about it. Started lady weekend... im sick sorry im a smart ass when that happens

  14. It's one of the curious perks of being a jerk, my feet still work even as pains like that jabber away. Queenie says I'm the rude one, right up until my feet save her from it. Then I'm HER jerk ;)

  15. When I'm cornered by people like this, I don't even bother trying to say anything. All they need is an "uh-huh" to keep going. They may or may not notice when you stop talking altogether.