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Tuesday, April 4, 2017

The Masters - Stupid Golf Slang:

The Masters - Stupid Golf Slang:
This re-run is from April 2012
I'm not sure if Johnny is announcing this year, I hope not.
(I know, it is a dumb game, no need to tell me...thank you)

I love golf.  I love to play; I love to watch it on TV.  What I don’t love is the stupid golf slang that announcers feel they are required to constantly use.

The MASTERS CHAMPIONSHIP starts thursday.  This is my favorite tournament.  Lots of people watch this event.  People who do not understand golf watch it simply because the venue is incredibly beautiful.  Perhaps this year TV announcers will recognize this fact and explain the game in terms that average people can understand.  Stop the cutesy crap!


Golfers putt with a putter.  Stop calling it THE FLAT STICK.

The area that golfers want to land their drives is called the fairway.  Stop calling it THE SHORT GRASS.

Sand is in a sand trap, it is not the BEACH.  The grass in the rough is tall, but the rough is not called the tall grass.  It is called the ROUGH.  To play golf in Europe you cross the Atlantic Ocean.  It is not a THE POND.

Golfers start a hole hitting a driver, not THE BIG CLUB.  Errant shots land in the water hazard, not THE DRINK.

The announcer most guilty of abusing golf slang is Johnny Miller.  I play the game and I don’t know what the hell he is talking about most of the time.

I know what a chip is.  I know what a pitch and roll is.  Tell me Johnny, what the hell is a “Chunk and Run?”

“He just needs to feather it here.”  Feather it?  Tell me Johnny, what is feathering it?

“This is a spot where I like to just slow swing it.”  Huh?  What?

“These green are Augusta fast.” OK. I understand that one but then Mr. Miller follows with, “They are 13’s maybe 14’s.” WHAT?  EXPLAIN Johnny EXPLAIN!

Here is a Johnny Miller statement that makes no sense at all.

“Tiger needs a win.  You don’t want to go from no wins to winning a Major, he needs a win” What the frick does that mean.  It almost makes sense until I start to think about it and then….no…It is just a stupid thing to say.

These are more Johnny Miller golf vomitisms I heard this past week:

“That was a little chunky.” (He didn’t hit the ball clean; he hit the ground a bit before he hit the ball.) 

“He got a draw with a fade wind; that is juicy there.” (He tried to curve the ball left into a cross wind.  Juicy?... I got nothing.)

“The wind is against him…well it’s a little greasy, but not that bad.” (I have no idea.)

“He is going to want to cozy-it down with an option to go clunk.”(He wants to make sure this putt does not go past the hole but wants to give it a chance to go in.  I know that is stupid but I think that is what he meant.) 

I know you understand the game like no one else Johnny, but could you please explain it in English?

Maybe I will have to cozy the volume down with an option to go click.


  1. I would prefer to watch golf rather than listen! Across the Pond always irritated me, what's wrong with calling it an ocean? Commentators try to be too clever.

  2. I may have to listen to a golf game, just once, to see if our Aussie announcers say any of those dumb things. Probably wouldn't have to listen to a whole game though. Right?

  3. I am not a big fan of golf, although the young players are quite nice to look at as they walk away.

  4. For me to watch most sports is akin to watching paint dry but the language they speak makes my head feel like it is going to explode. It's not just golf COM, it's all sports....all sports announcers speak the same garble/drivel.

  5. I've never gotten into golf although my in-laws were dedicated golfers.

  6. I just like the pretty scenery,

  7. We watch a lot of golf, have gone to a couple of tournaments and always get in the lottery for Augusta. You're right, Miller is bad, but SIR Nick Faldo annoys me more, he is so full of himself.

  8. I have never watched golf, but I'm picturing a cartoon where Johnny Miller's exact words are illustrated literally. This needs to happen.

  9. George Carlin captured golf very nicely. I agree with his assessment. I'm glad you enjoy watching, and I agree things should be called what they always have been. Not renamed to something stupid.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺

  10. Sportscasters do the language no favors. I enjoyed when Ray Romano on SNL many years ago gave us an example of their absurdity: "Sweet Pappy Johnson with an--"

    Yeah. That's as far as I'm going.

  11. The game itself is fine, the people in charge of it and who talk about it are dumb. Every third time (or so) that I've played some snooty so-an-so has come out on the course to harass our play group. I used to play 2-3 times a year and had planned on more but now I don't at all. Most often they've complained about slow play, including once when we were teaching our daughters and were the only folks on the entire course. Every single time when I asked what the standard was and did the math we found we were well the required time yet no apology or even a concession that they were out of line including when I scolded them about making life difficult for 2 grade-school kids who COULD be life-long customers.

    The very last time I played was with Queenie on another empty course. The course enforcer came to whine and, as usual, we found we were well ahead of expectations so I turned to Queenie and said "Hey, we're already 11 minutes ahead of requirements! Let's go use up 6 or so of those minutes we're entitled to on that bench over there". The enforcer was so mad she peeled out and I hollered "MIND THE COURSE ABUSE! THIS IS A CLASS ESTABLISHMENT!"

    Thus ended my career. As far as the talking heads, I think you covered that marvelously.

  12. As little as i understand about golf, this would make watching it even worse!

  13. I'm not into golf, but that was funny. Even I know the correct golf slang. That Johnny Miller is little greasy, who should probably just feather it and then chunk and run.

  14. Even though I am not a golfer the actual terms make more sense than the slang.

  15. They just have to fill space in their commentary so they are prone to say things that really make no sense. I think all sport commenters are subjected to the same thing.