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Monday, May 9, 2011

"Oinky The Pig" (A Cranky Fable for Spoiled Brats)


It seems to me that every friggin celebrity is writing or has published a children’s book.   Madonna published a children’s book, ex-Princess Fergy has published several.  Other celebrity children’s books have been written by: Cal Ripkin Jr., Barack Obama, Al Yankovic, Carly Simon, Julie Andrews, Jamie Lee Curtis, Bob Dylan, Judy Collins, Jeff Foxworthy, and I could go on and on.  I often hear talk-show starlets announcing they are writing a children’s book.  Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap.  These geniuses are so talented.  They sing, dance, act, paint, and if things are slow they slap together a children’s book.  These books always have a wonderful message which is destined to change the world!  Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap.  
I have two problems with this.  Number one, does anyone really buy these books?  Number two, do we even need any more children’s books?  We have Dr. Seuss books, Richard Scary books, Little Toot, The Little Engine That Could, Wacky Wednesday, Go Dog Go, Where The Wild Things Are, Are You My Mother, The Purple Crayon, and other classics; do we need any more?  Two and three year olds can go months and be very happy with just one of these classics.  By the time they can read themselves they still have not experienced all the great children’s books that have already been published.
It seems to me that people keep writing these books because they are so easy to write and everyone is impressed that they are writing a book!
OK, I will try it myself.  Here is a children’s book with a life lesson every child needs to learn.
(A Cranky Fable for Spoiled Brats)
Little Bobby lived on a farm far away from the nearest neighbor.  He was four years old.  He lived with his father, his mother and his older brother, Ben.  Bobby had no friends.  Little Bobby was very lonely.
One day Bobby’s Daddy came home with a wiggly bundle in a blanket.  When he saw what was wiggling in the blanket, Bobby squealed with delight.  Daddy had brought home the cutest, pinkest, funniest little piglet that Bobby had ever seen.  “Can I keep him Daddy?  Can I, Can I?”  Bobby asked.  “Sure you can.”  Daddy said.  “He is yours to play with, yours to clean up after, and yours to feed.”  “Oh thank you,” Bobby said. “I am going to name him Oinky.”
Oinky was the best friend, the only friend, that little Bobby ever had.  “Oh, Oinky”, Bobby said, “you are so smart, so cute.  Oinky I love you!”  Oinky just snorted a cute little snort and nuzzled Bobby under the chin.
For the next year, wherever Bobby went, Oinky followed.  Bobby did his chores.  Oinky was with him.  Bobby went to the swimming hole.  Oinky was with him.  Bobby went fishing.  Oinky was right there.  When Bobby went to bed, Oinky slept right next to his bed.  “Oh, Oinky”, Bobby said, “you are so smart, so cute.  Oinky I love you!”  
As the year went on, and Bobby fed Oinky, the little piglet grew into a pig.  Oinky grew into a big pig.  Daddy came to Bobby and said, “Bobby, I know you love Oinky, but he is getting so big.  He is too big to be a little boy’s pet.”  “But Daddy,” Bobby pleaded, “I love Oinky.”  Daddy just replied, “I know you do Bobby….but….well, you know!”  And Bobby did know.  Bobby was a farm boy.  Bobby was very sad.
That night while everyone was asleep, Oinky smelled smoke.  Smoke was coming out of a shorted out wall socket.  Oinky grunted and grunted until Bobby woke up.  Bobby smelled the smoke and ran to his Daddy. 
“Smoke Daddy!  Oinky smelled it and woke me up; there is a fire!” 
Bobby’s Dad grabbed an extinguisher and ran to where Bobby and Oinky had spotted the fire.  He quickly put out the fire. 
“Well Oinky, I guess we all owe our farm and our lives to you.  Your smelling and your grunting has saved the day!”
“Oh, Oinky”, Bobby said, “Oinky, I love you!”
The next night at dinner, Bobby’s Dad said grace. “Lord, thank you for this family, this farm, and thank you for sending Oinky, who saved us from fire.  Lord, we also thank you for this fine celebratory meal which we are about to enjoy.  Amen.” 
As Daddy carved out slices of flavorful roast pork Bobby exclaimed, “Mmmm mmmm, Oh Oinky, now we are ALL going to LOVE you!”
Damn, what is so hard about writing a children’s book?

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  1. Can I really say it agian?

    You are just too funny! I knew what was coming but it was still fab when it did.

    Sadly I don't think you will be able to get it published - although I would have to buy it if you did..!


  2. I believe the story goes, Cole (2 1/2 years old) what does a pig say. Cole, "Oink, Oink." Daddy, "Very good Cole. Now eat him."

  3. I so hoped there was going to be a surprise ending! (I love Disney endings!) Way too predictable to publish. Maybe you could just pull up a chair for Oinky with the family and he could also enjoy some pork roast, (of course, a pork cousin) or I once heard a story of the one-legged-pig that was so smart, they couldn't eat him all at once. Get it?


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