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Thursday, May 26, 2011



Everyone seems to be fascinated these days with superheroes and superpowers.  Batman, Superman, Ironman, Spiderman, Thor, The Green Lantern….. It gets me to thinking, if given a choice what superpowers would I want?
Flying sounds really cool, but without indestructibility it is too dangerous.  Indestructibility carries too much pressure.  This is why Superman seems so miserable.  He has the weight of the world on him.  Anytime bad shit happens he is expected to stop it.  Bank robbery, Hurricane, War, Master criminal, Herpes; Superman is expected to step in and make everything better.  The result?  Superman has no life.  No love life, no kids, he doesn’t go anywhere without carrying around that stupid suit.  Superman has no life!
Spiderman, Batman, Ironman all these superheroes have the same problem.  Too much pressure, they have no life, and they are miserable.  I don’t want that kind of pressure; I would not want that much power.  I want superpowers that other people are not aware of, stuff that would improve the quality of my life.
Superpowers I want:
Twitch my nose, and keep all flying insects at least fifty feet away.
Summer is ruined by these pests.  This superpower would make summer nights so nice, and I would become the most popular person at neighborhood Barbeques!
The ability to mentally make another person hic cup, sneeze, or fart.
This power could stop a holdup, win an argument or a bet, but mostly it would just be fun to fuck with people.  Especially people who just annoy me. 
As I am being lectured on my bad table manners by some pretentious snob, it would be so liberating to be able to make that person hic cup uncontrollably.  Cut me off on the turnpike; you will suffer a sneezing fit.  Bore me to death at a cocktail party; a little farting burst will cheer me up.  This power has endless potential.
The ability to come up with the perfect quip at any time.      
I am always thinking of just the right thing to say to put someone in their place, or break up a party with a roaringly funny comment.  Unfortunately I come up with these clever repartees at least ten minutes too late.  I need the instaquip power!
Ventriloman!   The ventriloquist ability to throw my voice.  
This just seems like fun.  Confusing people, getting other people in trouble, the uses are endless.  Imagine, just as the restaurant patron in the booth behind you is about to order, Ventriloman orders stuffed pig snout for him.  What fun!
Remote-man!  The ability to change the TV channel without anyone knowing.
Waiting for a plane; I don’t want the news when Judge Judy is on channel two.  At a bar; screw the game; I want “Dancing With the Stars.”  Boring party; how about changing that elevator music station to the Playboy Channel.
These superpowers would keep me happy, and I would be the life of the party.  What superpowers do you want out there in blogger land?  Let me hear your comments.  My favorites will be announced at a future date.

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1 comment:

  1. I want the ability to reshape other people's body parts (and my own!) Imagine the fun you could have with that!


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