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Monday, May 2, 2011

Today's Blog "APRIL'S TWEETS"


I must be getting old, I've fallen and I don't know which way is up!
I quit drinking; now instead of apologizing for being drunk, I have to apologize for being stupid!

What does it make you if you believe the glass is half full...of crap?

I'm pretty sure the librarian at every library I've ever seen was Judge Judy!

In order to succeed, set really low goals. Successful people seldom succeed!

Does anyone really think "Robot Talk" is funny?
I still want to know what happened to the Russian that Paulie and Chris tried to bump off in the Pine Lands! (The Sopranos)
I don't hate all politicians, only the ones that win the election!
2 months no cigarettes! Now if I could just break this 3 patch a day habit...

2pm, time for breakfast. FU, I’m retired!
To err is human, but I think sometimes even God goes OOPS!

Why do some people display their stupidity like it is a badge of honor?

Shit flows downhill, but stupid rises to the top!
When people ask me how is retirement, I tell them it's not working!

Twist and shout used to be a it’s getting out of bed!
Bumped my head against the bed and couldn't get up this morning... now I know I'm getting old!

Do fencers have a duel personality?

My wife tells me I am too apathetic, but I just don’t care.

I know profiling is wrong, but if the choice is between Granny and the guy with a strap on beard, let’s give the later a cavity search!

Quick, name a current TV commercial where the husband does not look like a complete p-whipped idiot.

Does anyone really care if Barry Bonds lied? Of course he lied; your head does not grow 3 sizes from protein shake!

I have never had a massage, and yet some really stupid women call me a misogynist. I hate them for that!

Daylight savings time…where does all the saved daylight go? Does it go into a rainy day fund?

If God had a sense of humor my Ex-wives would meet, become lesbian lovers, move to California, get married, cheat on each other and go through a really messy divorce.
 My stomach is rock hard.  I keep it padded to prevent injuries when people bump into me.

Tweeting @ JoeHagyauthor

1 comment:

  1. Your take on life seems just about right! You forgot one thing, though... and when I remember what it is, I'll tell you!

    Thanks for the cure for heartburn. I'll give you credit in my Tip of the Day next Wednesday, when I'm focusing on homemade remedies that make us feel better.


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