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Thursday, December 26, 2019


Still time off from originals, this is one of the very earliest Cranky Old Man posts; May 2011.
It seems to me that every friggin celebrity is writing or has published a children’s book.   Madonna published a children’s book, ex-Princess Fergy has published several.  Other celebrity children’s books have been written by: Cal Ripkin Jr., Barack Obama, Al Yankovic, Carly Simon, Julie Andrews, Jamie Lee Curtis, Bob Dylan, Judy Collins, Jeff Foxworthy, and I could go on and on.  I often hear talk-show starlets announcing they are writing a children’s book.  Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap.  These geniuses are so talented.  They sing, dance, act, paint, and if things are slow they slap together a children’s book.  These books always have a wonderful message which is destined to change the world!  Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap.  
I have two problems with this.  Number one, does anyone really buy these books?  Number two, do we even need any more children’s books?  We have Dr. Seuss books, Richard Scary books, Little Toot, The Little Engine That Could, Wacky Wednesday, Go Dog Go, Where The Wild Things Are, Are You My Mother, The Purple Crayon, and other classics; do we need any more?  Two and three year-olds can go months and be very happy with just one of these classics.  By the time they can read themselves they still have not experienced all the great children’s books that have already been published.
It seems to me that people keep writing these books because they are so easy to write and everyone is impressed that they are writing a book!
OK, I will try it myself.  Here is a children’s story with a life lesson every child needs to learn.
Little Bobby lived on a farm far away from the nearest neighbor.  He was four years old.  He lived with his father, his mother and his older brother, Ben.  Bobby had no friends.  Little Bobby was very lonely.
One day Bobby’s Daddy came home with a wiggly bundle in a blanket.  When he saw what was wiggling in the blanket, Bobby squealed with delight.  Daddy had brought home the cutest, pinkest, funniest little piglet that Bobby had ever seen.  
“Can I keep him Daddy?  Can I, Can I?”  Bobby asked.  
“Sure you can.”  Daddy said.  “He is yours to play with, yours to clean up after, and yours to feed.”  
“Oh thank you,” Bobby said. “I am going to name him Oinky.”
Oinky was the best friend, the only friend, that little Bobby ever had.  
“Oh, Oinky”, Bobby said, “You are so smart, so cute.  Oinky I love you!”  
Oinky just snorted a cute little snort and nuzzled Bobby under the chin.
For the next year, wherever Bobby went, Oinky followed.  Bobby did his chores.  Oinky was with him.  Bobby went to the swimming hole.  Oinky was with him.  Bobby went fishing.  Oinky was right there.  When Bobby went to bed, Oinky slept right next to his bed.  
“Oh, Oinky”, Bobby said, “You are so smart, so cute.  Oinky I love you!”  
As the year went on, and Bobby fed Oinky, the little piglet grew into a pig.  Oinky grew into a big pig.  Daddy came to Bobby and said,
“Bobby, I know you love Oinky, but he is getting so big.  He is too big to be a little boy’s pet.”  
“But Daddy,” Bobby pleaded, “I love Oinky.”  
Daddy just replied, “I know you do Bobby….but….well, you know!”  
And Bobby did know.  Bobby was a farm boy.  Bobby was very sad.
That night while everyone was asleep, Oinky smelled smoke.  Smoke was coming out of a shorted out wall socket.  Oinky grunted and grunted until Bobby woke up.  Bobby smelled the smoke and ran to his Daddy. 
“Smoke Daddy!  Oinky smelled it and woke me up; there is a fire!” 
Bobby’s Dad grabbed an extinguisher and ran to where Bobby and Oinky had spotted the fire.  He quickly put out the fire. 
“Well Oinky, I guess we all owe our farm and our lives to you.  Your smelling and your grunting has saved the day!”
“Oh, Oinky”, Bobby said, “Oinky, I love you!”
The next night at dinner, Bobby’s Dad said grace.
“Lord, thank you for this family, this farm, and thank you for sending Oinky, who saved us from fire.  Lord, we also thank you for this fine celebratory meal which we are about to enjoy.  Amen.” 
As Daddy carved out slices of flavorful roast pork Bobby exclaimed,
“Mmmm, Oh Oinky, now we are ALL going to LOVE you!”
Damn, what is so hard about writing a children’s book?



  1. I see that you love a happy ending. Bwahahahahahahaha. I didn't see that coming, but I should have sense I know about your sense of humor.

    Have a fabulous day, Joe. 😎

  2. Nice store and you would be great at writing children's books. I was respecting it to end with Oniky being the meal.

    1. Sorry about how my tablet changed story to store and expecting to respecting!

  3. LOL; this would be a horror story!! So true, though, about everyone writing children's books. And really the cost of them is outrageous! So thankful for libraries!


  4. Ya got me. I was with you till the end:( But then the wolf ate the grandma in Red Riding Hood so you may have a career Joe.

  5. I'm one of those bad folks who read the last page of a book first...sorry. But I was able to resist on this one. For some reason, even though I haven't known you for long, I sort of guessed the ending. I'll think of it when we have pork for New Year's day because that's suppose to bring good luck. To us, not the Oinky that will sacrifice for us to have that luck! P.S...loved your Christmas letter! Perfect! Ha!

  6. Oh, gawd, Joe, you are a master. Hahahahaha.

  7. Ha Ha, I knew they would be eating him by the end of the story, but I'm glad he saved their lives first. That's a good story.
    I used to make up bedtime stories for my firstborn, beginning with Bunny and Teddy go to the beach, then for weeks after all she wanted was what bunny and Teddy had been doing on their adventures. I should have written them down. Bunny and Teddy were her two favourite stuffed toys.

  8. I hope you can also illustrate your book. For a young child, that ending could be ambiguous...without the pictures.

  9. Congratulations, loved it. Now go get that book written.

  10. I saw some Jimmy Fallon kid books while shopping for Xmas. Looked through them and not impressed.