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Monday, January 26, 2015

THE SUPER BOWL PARTY - a cranky re-run

This cranky re-run is from February 2012

For the fifth straight year, I will be watching the Super Bowl at home.  No Super Bowl party for the Cranky Old Man.  I will miss watching with my 13 year old son Spencer as he has been whisked off to another state by his BPD mom (thanks a lot NJ Custody Courts and its dumb ass judge who has absolute ZERO understanding of the relationship between a teenage boy and his dad.)  I will NOT miss the Super Bowl Party.

The Super Bowl Party is not about the Super Bowl.  It is not about football.  It is about showing off food, and 58 inch TV sets.  The Super Bowl party is to football fans, what the New Years Eve party is to alcoholics; strictly for amateurs. 

Part of the problem with the Super Bowl party is women. Super Bowl parties all have women.  Don’t take offence ladies, but when you all talk about breast feeding, child birth, monthly visits and shoes, I step the frick out of the conversation.  At the Super Bowl party I really don’t want to hear that the Patriots will win because Tom Brady is “Like way more awesomer than Eli Maningham.” 

Every Super Bowl party should have a large poster by the TV stating:

1.    The names of the teams and their uniform colors

2.    Where the game is being played

3.    The temperature at game time

4.    Who is lip-synching at half time

These are the questions asked by every woman who enters the Super Bowl party; there is no need to answer them 18 times.

This one fries my patoot.  A controversial play ends in a loss of downs and change of possession, when the commercial comes on and the men strike up a discussion about what just transpired on the field, they get shouted down by the women, “SHHHH, it’s the new “Bank One” commercial!”  I can’t talk football because it interrupts the fucking commercials?  WTF!

Half time should be for recapping the first half, arguing over play selection, going to the bathroom, eating chili, drinking beer and marching bands.  Not at the Super Bowl party.  Half time is for quieting down, dropping everything, and watching this year’s superstar lip-synch her latest hit song to the backdrop of 287 dancers, 5000 fans fucking up the field, and $500,000 worth of fireworks. 

W O-fucking W!!


The second half is played with critiques of the half-time show and endless discussions of 47 different commercials competing with the play by play calling of the game on TV.  The game is always secondary at the Super Bowl party. 

The Super Bowl party sucks!
Can anyone guess why the Cranky Old Man has not been invited to a Super Bowl party in the last five years?  

It does not matter. I am not seeking a party invite, if invited I will not accept, and if my wife accepts, I will not attend.


  1. Yay. I sincerely agree that women should stay away from sporting events. Well, one exception.... Arkansas Patti should be included. Ever since my husband died, I have avoided Super Bowl parties and all it's blazing stats. I have no idea when it is, where it is, who is playing and I don't give a flying you know what. Watching a football game, for me, was like faking an orgasm. As far as I'm concerned, footballl is just a man-thing.

    1. I almost completely agree, but YES, I expect to get a tongue lashing from Arkansas Patti. Some women do get it right. I still love the rest of youse. (Youse, that is Jersey for ya'll.)

  2. Others who should not be invited are those who are bandwagon fans of teams not playing in the big game.
    They will also sabotage the event for those who actually care about the game.
    Of course, now that I think about it, diehard fans can also mess it up, too.
    Like you I will not be attending a party.
    I'm gonna pack for vacation.

  3. I don't care a bit about football. I don't ask any of these questions because I'm not watching the game and neither is my husband. He likes football less than I do.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺

  4. yes, i can kinda guess why no invitations for you. :)

  5. Cranky, were you always so shy?
    Hubby and I will be watching the game, even though it's not the Steelers.
    Yunz (that's Pittsburgh talk for "youse") all enjoy the game, okay?

  6. I don't bother with halftime entertainment. So stupid and utterly ridiculous. That's the time to restock grub and beer.

  7. A win win situation would be to send Mrs. C. To that Super Bowl party and you can stay home and watch the game.

  8. Whether at home or at a party I only watch for the puppies and horsies on the Budweiser commercials - awww! Can't wait for this year's!!!

  9. I'll remember not to invite you :) I have to say I do like the hype that goes with it, the commercials, half time show, etc. But we usually just watch it the hubby and me, not much partying here either.


  10. How can I give you a tongue lashing? I totally agree with you that most women don't get football and should pretty much hang out in the kitchen making sure the wings are warm. Had it not been for Brian, I would have been one of them.

  11. The best part of the Superbowl is that "The Blacklist" is coming back right after the game!!

  12. Ok, I HATE football. I HATE the superbowl and I usually get invited to a superbowl party every year. (I go for the food and the booze.) But even as a hater, I can promise you I do not discuss childbirth. It's actually kinda like a New Year's party for me because I NEVER get invited anywhere for that. Go figure...

  13. Yeah, I'm with you on Super Bowl parties. The one or two I went to, in my lost fading youth, seemed to be about getting drunk. SWMBO has no love of football so she'll be in her bedroom. But she has her own tv in there so if she wants to watch the commercials she can. Neither one of us has much affection for the halftime show. But I do like the commercials. And this year (2015) I'll be rooting for both teams to lose.

  14. Even the commercials were crappy last year. I might give it a quarter.

  15. I like your idea of putting the statistics up next to the TV, but I think keeping the women out is a better idea. Surely they can handle not being the centre of attention for one afternoon? one day out of how many?

  16. It's all about the food for me