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Wednesday, March 13, 2013

How to Reduce the Welfare Rolls

How to Reduce the Welfare Rolls

My good blogging friend, the very Liberal, vocally talented, lovely Lo of “It’s Always Something” ( ) recently took exception to my post “Aesop 2013.”   This post playfully twisted the “Ant and the Grasshopper” fable from a “work hard and save” message to a “let someone else work and tax them” message.

Lo knows perfectly well that this post (a weak post at that) was tongue in cheek and not a pure reflection of my admittedly conservative nature (I like to think of myself as “conservative with a heart,”) and yet her Liberal slanted do-gooder mind could not let it rest.  She had to give me a bit of a jab.

We had a back and forth email discussion as sometimes happens between bloggers and ultimately Lo admitted that though she could not turn down someone in need, any charity she dispensed might also involve some heavy Jewish Mother Guilt.

Thus was the seed planted for this slightly facetious, but not totally unrealistic solution to the problem today of welfare for the lazy.  Please note I say welfare for the lazy, not welfare for the needy.


The Following post is a “CrankyLo” production:


There is apparently a tradition in the Jewish culture which I am aware of only through acquaintances not personal knowledge, that a Jewish Mother will not turn away from the needs of her children, but will attend to them only after dispensing so much guilt that the child will hesitate to ask for assistance again except in the most extreme circumstances.

“Sure I can help you out with some money; you wouldn’t have even needed to ask if only you would call more often.  Mrs. Goldman’s son calls her every night.  He is a very busy successful doctor, still he finds the time.  I guess you are too busy trying to be a writer to call your mother who gave birth to you after 48 painful hours.  You know you were breach don’t you.  Today I pee when I sneeze and I think of you. 

How much money do you need?”

It is this Jewish Mother Guilt balancing compassion with lecture and assistance with pain, which drives Jewish men to success.  Hard work is less painful in the Jewish culture than accepting help with a dose of Jewish Mother Guilt.

Perhaps this is how we should weed out the truly needy in our country from the truly lazy.  Government assistance should be dispensed with a heaping helping of guilt.

The first thing to be done is to put Jewish Mothers in charge of all of the Government Entitlement Programs and Agencies.


For existing claims, every outgoing envelope containing food stamps or an entitlement check should be accompanied by a small handwritten note, tear-stained and with a few blurred letters saying........."how come you never never call.....?"


Applications for assistance must be made in person and should be handed out with a guilt laden lecture.


“Excuse me ma’am, I am out of work and looking for some help; maybe a government handout?”


“Yes Bubala, you need help?  You seem like a strong young man, you can’t work?  My son who lost a foot while serving in the army to defend your freedom to ask for help, he found a job.  Is hard labor beneath you?  Oy vey, you can’t wash a dish? Call me meshugana, but you seem to be an intelligent young man, you should go to school, be somebody, you shouldn’t have to ask for help.  Do you even have a spine?  I can help you if you are incapable of any useful contribution to society. Here take some money.  You want more?  Just come in every week, tell me what you are doing to better yourself, show me you have some initiative, go to school, take small jobs; anything!  Call me, I am here to help, why don’t you ever call? Other people call me.  You are out of work, are you too busy to call?  Why don’t you…..”

“STOP!  PLEASE STOP! I can work, I’ll go back to school, anything, whatever it takes for you to stop with the guilt!”

“Ok, if that is what you really want, but you’ll still call right?”


We need a little “Jewish Mother Guilt.” It won’t end the need for government assistance, but it would sure reduce the rolls.


We are Joe and Lo, and we approved this message! 


  1. Hahaha....
    I'd rather be chased off and airplane by a rabid badger.

  2. OH if it were only this easy and this black and white. If only ALL the people who ask for assistance really enjoyed asking and didn't have to submerge their egos and get courage to come hat in hand. If only it all could be solved with a job and any job.

  3. ha..I think you may be on to something....but to be politically correct you have to call it Jewish motivation.

  4. I congratulate you both on a very funny post!

  5. OMG, I'm a Jewish grandmother of solid Irish heritage.

  6. My favorite: "You're out of work, are you too busy to call?"

  7. Lol! Sounds like a good plan to me! A bit of Jewish guilt would quickly separate the freeloaders from the truly needy.

  8. Ha this is funny!!! Wouldn't that be something, if that was how it was to collect a check? I know there are people who are truly in need...but I think that there are even more who are just brought up on the welfare system and it becomes a way of life for them. Those are the ones who I'd like to see receive the Jewish Guilt!

  9. I love it...

    As, or more, effective as anything else out there!!

    Hugs to you both ~~~

  10. Now THAT is a collaboration.

    I thoroughly enjoy both of you. Wonderfully written.


  11. Thought provoking that is. Same problem here... money is doled out far too easily... we need more Jewish Mothers in the Welfare sector!!!

  12. OH I forgot... we have families here that have been on a Government Benefit for over 30 years, and their kids are on a benefit too...AND their grandchildren.
    They simply don't have to work when money is given willy nilly (with little questions asked). It does my head in.