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Monday, March 18, 2013

Cranky Old Man's Tips on Household Chores - a Cranky re-run


Cranky Old Man's Tips on Household Chores
This cranky Monday re-run is from June 2011

(Ladies, some of this may seem sexist; please do not read this post!)

As I am now retired, it is increasingly difficult to avoid household chores.  If I have to do these chores, at least I will do them my way.  For all of you other retired cranky old retired men facing the same requirement to do household chores I offer these tried and true tips:

Laundry – Women have been indoctrinated in the belief that you must separate whites from colors when doing the wash.  They learned this at a young age and the indoctrination is so strong that no woman has ever dared to experiment.

The truth is that except for the first two washings, colored items can be mingled with the whites.  The whites will remain white, the colors will not bleed.  I repeat, there is no need to separate the colors when doing a wash load.  Not separating the colors saves time and money.

Men….if your wife is monitoring your laundering, you must separate the colors.  She will never believe the above axiom even if you demonstrate it for her.  She will see bleeding whether it exists or not. 

You must only fail to separate when she is not watching.

In fact, every once in a while I recommend you take a new purple shirt and mix it with an old crappy white tee shirt.

“Damn!!  What happened?”

“Oh Sweetheart, you poor stupid thing; don’t you know not to mix colors with whites?”

“Oops, I forgot.  Sorry.”

This will make your spouse feel extra important, and maybe get you out of occasional laundry duty.

Dishes – Doing dishes is a relatively easy chore if you remember just a few things. 

1.     You will never be able to load a dishwasher correctly.  You must just load it and run it before the inspector wife tries to squeeze in an extra knife or dish.

2.    If you do not want to get caught with inadequate dishwasher loading, you must unload as soon as the washer is done.

3.    If you do not know where a dish goes, do not put it away.  It is better to leave it for your wife than to try and remember where you put it two weeks later.

4.    Do not touch the Tupperware.  You could safely put Tupperware in the dishwasher, but there is a prevailing belief among women that this will spoil the seal and ruin the burp.  Do not challenge this belief.

5.    Every once and a while, put a dish in the washer without adequately scraping off the morning’s dried egg yolk.  Put the dish away even though the egg did not come off in the wash.  This will keep the illusion that you are helpless without the inspector wife.  She will appreciate this in the long run.

Vacuuming – This one is a bit tougher.  Women demand that a freshly vacuumed carpet have vacuum lines.  I don’t know why, just accept it.  It is perfectly OK to vacuum willy nilly but when finished, you must quickly go over everything to leave the correct lines.  Sometimes if I have time, as a goof, I put in criss-cross lines.  The criss-cross lines subliminally reminds a women of the lines in a grass football or baseball field.  This disturbs most women and they do not know why. 

Hey, they do stuff like that to us, we just don’t know it!

When vacuuming, do not think you don’t have to vacuum under stuff.  These places will be the first areas the inspector wife will check.

Making the bed – Unless you were in the service, do not even attempt this chore.  Bed making can never be done to a women’s standard.

Dusting – Please!! Do not stoop this low.  If you have to dust, do it in a skirt!

Ironing – Don’t fall for this, even women don’t iron any more.

Washing the floors – Spray the floor with Windex, put on an old pair of white socks, get a mop and a folded up sock and play floor hockey for about twenty minutes.

Cleaning the Bathroom – Windex on everything.  Wipe clean with a paper towel.  Use bleach to rid any mold from shower curtains and the tub.  Remember, no matter how much you clean, there are little hairs floating around all bathrooms waiting for you to be finished before they fall to the ground.  Your wife will find them no matter what you do, just be prepared to apologize.

These are my little tricks, now get the fuck out of the house and go play golf!

Hey lady, don’t get angry, I told you not to read this post!


  1. my husband is a much better house cleaner and ironer than i will ever be. more power to him.

  2. Before GS retired I did laundry.
    It took less than half the time it does now.

  3. My husband won't let me do laundry because I don't separate. He cooks, too. Why? Because I don't do that right either. Guess what other chores I screw up and thus cannot be trusted with? :)

  4. I agree on the laundry. First time wash- keep an eye on it. Otherwise it all goes in together.

    I still hold firm on the Tupperware comment from the last time you posted this. Throw it in anyways. If it doesn't last- toss it in the trash and deny it's existance.

    Floor hockey? I may have to try that one.

  5. I'm fond o' sayin' "life has been hell since the maid quit." OTOH, there's a certain satisfaction that comes with not having "oversight" of any kind. Like all-day, all-night football on Saturdays in the Fall, and other associated things.

    Great tips... if only for the validation within! ;-)

  6. OMW - had a good laugh! Especially the bit about the dishwasher. Hubby always tries and then walks out the kitchen and then the kids have a good laugh and repack everything!

  7. I actually don't care how badly someone else does the housework if it means I don't have to do it ;)

  8. I don't do no stinkin' housework!!

  9. OK, now I'm confused. Do I have to separate the plain white dishes from the colorful flowery ones when I put them in the dishwasher? And is it OK to put Tupperware in the dishwasher on the delicate cycle? Do dishwashers have delicate cycles?


    Screw dishes. I'll just eat standing over the kitchen sink.


  10. Loved this post. I guess I didn't know you in 2011.....egads, how much I have missed.,.....must try to catch up someday.

  11. explains why all the males hide when they see me with a mop or vacuum.
    my husband was an engineer and he packs the dishwasher using mathematical formulas of space so I close it so he doesn't see how I pack it,since I have no mathematical brain.

  12. I would swoon if a man in my house did any kind of cleaning on purpose. Including picking up the mud clods that fall out of their boots and onto the carpet. My 18 year old son is good at dusting the coffee table with his butt. I don't tell him, or he'll sit elsewhere.

  13. Regardless of my gender, I'm not what you'd call a fan of household chores. I'm with you all the way about there being no need to separate colours and whites, my water glasses haven't been streak free since I took them out of the box, and my bathroom is lucky if I take the time to spray some cleaner around in there.

  14. Shit I would be stoked if my man did some chores...I am responsible for all my husband knows how anal I am so he he like why bother???

  15. You nailed it on all counts and it was hysterical getting a guy's side of the cleaning fence. Yes, I am guilty of telling my Architect husband that he cannot properly plan a space - in the dishwasher. I'm wish you on the laundry. I think at some point I was like eff it and threw everything in one load and it was fine. But for the nay sayers, they make some kind of pod that supposedly sucks up the dyes and protects the whites. It's probably a laundry placebo.