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Sunday, March 3, 2013

STUPID HEADLINES 030313


STUPID HEADLINES 030313

It is time once again for:
STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

It was one tiny remark over an order for shrimp, how can someone be so small? 
This law suit is just short on any substance!
 
Homeless man sues parents for not loving him enough – I would like to sue my two ex-wives, Julia Roberts, Charlize Theron, and The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders!

Continent 'lost' 60 million years ago found by scientists – It never fails, those lost continents are always in the last place you look for them.

South River man dies following shooting by police officer – Coincidence?  I think not!

Senator standing by his principles, ready to take the heat – A politician who has principles…outrageous!  A politician who stands by his principles…priceless!

Government's plan to ban Internet porn in Iceland sparks uproar – Well Yeah!  Where will I have to go for my internet porn if I can’t find it in Iceland?

Kim Kardashian: If I was a man I'd want to have sex with myself – Yes Kim, sex with ourselves is often everyman’s best option.

Yale mulls paying for students' sex change operations – Sort of sheds a new light on Co-eds.

Ending North Korea trip, Dennis Rodman calls Kim an 'awesome guy' – Wait a minute…did she actually get a change?  Did Yale pay for it?

Pending suit says doctor removed wrong testicle from man – There is no correct testicle to remove, especially when the doctor is your dentist!

Obama is the closest thing to Nixon we've seen in 40 years – Well Nixon sweated a lot, he had a ski nose, and then of course there is that Caucasian thing, but otherwise, yeah, the resemblance is uncanny!
I just don't see it.
 

The IRS wants to tax your illegal incomeDamn!  The primary benefit of illegal income used to be that it was tax free.

Plainfield man sentenced for South Plainfield homicide – Apparently murder outside your district is frowned upon.

Paul Ryan Can't Accept That He Lost the Election – I’m pretty sure it was in all the papers.

High school student allegedly catches teacher stealing from backpacks on tape – The article doesn’t say, but it must have been a lot of really sticky tape!
Gotcha! 
Texas man says ex-girlfriend stole his sperm, had his child – I’ve heard of pick-pockets, but this is ridiculous!

Former inmate accused of sneaking back into Rikers Island jail – Prosecuting attorney is asking the Judge to sentence former inmate to 10-20 years outside of prison with time in for bad behavior.  


 

12 comments:

  1. "Senator standing by his principles...."

    You should write a book about this, Joe. Fiction, of course.

    S

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  2. The principles caught my eye, too. Wondered if he carried them around in a box to set down by himself to stand by them. Or behind them. Or even in front, leading the charge.

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  3. LOL I love the satire here. I love your blog and always enjoy my visits here sir!!

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  4. great laughs throughout. the kim k one had me busting out loud. :)

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  5. Yes Kim, sex with ourselves is often everyman’s best option.

    Well, THAT hurt. ;-)

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  6. That last one tickled my fancy. Indeed, let the punishment fit the crime.

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  7. I've never lost a continent before but if I did Lady Chatterbox would find it long before I could. She can find things in the fridge that are right in front of my nose. If you can find an A-! bottle of steak sauce a continent should be a snap.

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  8. That does it, Joe.
    I am going to sue you for giving me a hernia.....it hurts and I still cannot stop laughing.
    I know I keep saying it, but I think this is you best Headlines yet. Ouch, I luv ya' but my lawyer will be in touch..

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  9. Someone snuck back in the jail? I'm not an expert on these things, but doesn't it usually work the other way?

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  10. Belittling. Snort. The editor was enjoying her/himself that day.

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  11. Lots of great stuff to work with today... a wonderful Sunday edition, much enjoyed!

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