NEWS AT 11:00
This post was inspired by my step-crank Peter. If you find it entertaining, it is due to my sharp wit. If it sucks, blame the step-crank!
So I’m on my computer the other day at around 8:30 with the TV on in the background and I hear the announcer blurt out, “What you don’t know about your dishwasher that can kill you….NEWS AT 11:00!” I’m thinking, “Damn…I was about to run the dishwasher, now I have to wait for the 11 o’clock news or I might kill myself.”
Of course they don’t tell you at 11 o’clock how your dishwasher might kill you, they wait till 11:29 before the dishwasher news finally hits the air. It turns out that if you overload your dishwasher, run it at high heat dry and have a frayed wire in the outlet, it can cause a fire which could kill you.
“DUH at 11:00.”
How about just saying “Don’t use electrical shit that has frayed wires!”
TV stations do this every night. They do it on every channel. Every night there are five different things that I have to wait until 11:29 to find out how not to kill myself. Usually the warning comes from some study not yet verified and only a snippet of the study is used.
"Cell phones may melt your brain! NEWS AT 11:00.”
At 11:29 I find out that scientists have submitted a 2000 page study on the safety of cell phones that contains a one sentence statement:
“Studies indicate that constant use of a cell phone, eight hours per day or more, has been shown to lower the IQ of 8% of lab rats by 4% in a double blind test.”
Frig the cell phone warning; to me the real news story is that scientists managed to have lab rats talk on a cell phone for eight hours a day!
“Your shoes may make your feet fall off! NEWS AT 11:00.”
Now I can’t wear any shoes until 11:29. It turns out that if your shoes are two sizes too small and you wear them two days in a row, it could cut off circulation, cause gang-green, and you could lose your feet.
You know…without hearing this dire warning, I’m pretty sure I would take off the shoes when I could no longer feel my feet.
“DUH AT 11:00.”
“Saliva, the stealth poison! NEWS AT 11:00.”
I think I’m just going to take a chance on this one.
SEINFELD RERUN AT 11:00!