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Friday, January 27, 2012

NEWS AT 11:00

NEWS AT 11:00

This post was inspired by my step-crank Peter.  If you find it entertaining, it is due to my sharp wit.  If it sucks, blame the step-crank!

So I’m on my computer the other day at around 8:30 with the TV on in the background and I hear the announcer blurt out, “What you don’t know about your dishwasher that can kill you….NEWS AT 11:00!  I’m thinking, “Damn…I was about to run the dishwasher, now I have to wait for the 11 o’clock news or I might kill myself.”

Of course they don’t tell you at 11 o’clock how your dishwasher might kill you, they wait till 11:29 before the dishwasher news finally hits the air.  It turns out that if you overload your dishwasher, run it at high heat dry and have a frayed wire in the outlet, it can cause a fire which could kill you. 

“DUH at 11:00.” 

How about just saying “Don’t use electrical shit that has frayed wires!” 

TV stations do this every night.  They do it on every channel.  Every night there are five different things that I have to wait until 11:29 to find out how not to kill myself.  Usually the warning comes from some study not yet verified and only a snippet of the study is used.

"Cell phones may melt your brain!  NEWS AT 11:00.” 

At 11:29 I find out that scientists have submitted a 2000 page study on the safety of cell phones that contains a one sentence statement:

“Studies indicate that constant use of a cell phone, eight hours per day or more, has been shown to lower the IQ of 8% of lab rats by 4% in a double blind test.”

Frig the cell phone warning; to me the real news story is that scientists managed to have lab rats talk on a cell phone for eight hours a day!

“Your shoes may make your feet fall off!  NEWS AT 11:00. 

Now I can’t wear any shoes until 11:29.  It turns out that if your shoes are two sizes too small and you wear them two days in a row, it could cut off circulation, cause gang-green, and you could lose your feet.

You know…without hearing this dire warning, I’m pretty sure I would take off the shoes when I could no longer feel my feet. 

“DUH AT 11:00.”

“Saliva, the stealth poison! NEWS AT 11:00.”

I think I’m just going to take a chance on this one. 


  1. it's true cranky - if you listened to everything that we were supposed to do or rather not do - we would never get anything done!

    Bravo to living dangerously

    Louise :-)

  2. Sorry forgot to say - I love the way my daughter uses your comments board as a means to call me Lou instead of Mum.....You should blog about children getting cheekier by the day!!! Tut tut tut...anyone would think she was all grown up or

    Sorry just thought I would mention it because yours is the only blog she has ever done it on...

  3. "Frig the cell phone warning; to me the real news story is that scientists managed to have lab rats talk on a cell phone for eight hours a day!"

    Sending me into the weekend laughing....thank you!

  4. Perfect! And kind of goes along with those hour long t.v. "news" shows like 20/20 or Nighline, that stretch a 5 minutes story into an hour long drama.You have to watch the whole damn thing because you want to know the ending. Ugh.

  5. Ahh, the teaser, a new trend amongst everyone trying to get you to listen to what they have to say. The regular radio station to which I enjoy from time to time started doing the teaser about a year ago. I purposefully do not listen and change the channel. The teaser blurb is so much better than the story, that I think it needs to become an addition to the academic competition of headline writing; afterall, everyone's doing it these days!

    Hilarious stuff as always. Have a great weekend, Joe!

  6. it's a dead giveaway.. news at 11:00... it just means 'don't worry... we just have nothing else exciting going on around here'....