Christmas Decorations

Christmas Decorations

I have a love hate relationship with Christmas decorations.  I love them…I hate putting them up and taking them down.

For years I put up lights outside the house and inside around the tree.  Lights that worked the year before but needed tapping on and or replacing to work 12 months later.  Lights that were carefully wound up and put away that had somehow become a tangled mess 12 months later.

We used to get cut trees and a few years tried live trees but later went to an artificial tree.  The artificial tree saved money in the long run, and also saved freezing your buns off in a tree lot looking for the perfect tree, which in the eyes of every wife ever does not exist. 

The deciding factor for a real tree was the children.  Children like the tree buying and the tree trimming, the tree balancing and the daddy tree cursing.  They liked the needles and the smell. 

I’ve come to realize that Christmas is for children.  Without children in the house there is no need for lights, ornaments or trees.  I still love the decorations.  I like that homes in the neighborhood are decorated, I even appreciate the complete Christmas wacko’s who go crazy with lights on the house and yard and blow-up Santa and reindeer on their roof.  Oh, they are crazy, but sometimes it is good to have crazies in the neighborhood. 

The kids love it and it does make me smile.

I smile because I don’t have to put them up or take them down anymore.  We do have a tree in a closet that we have not taken out in four years.  No lights in our house, no tree, no ornaments, no tinsel.  We do hang a wreath on the door, I’m not a Grinch for gosh sakes!  My grandchildren’s homes are properly decorated and I love seeing their trees on Facebook or if we get to visit.  I’m glad they get the full Christmas decoration experience.

I don’t need it anymore in my house.  The aggravation was more than worth it when there were kids.  It was worth it to recreate the experience I had as a child when my dad cursed and haggled with tangled lights and frigid weather and then flipped the switch to light up the magic.

I am not a Scrooge I don’t do the “humbug” thing.  I love the decorations, I love the Christmas delight I see in children’s faces.  I just don’t need to go through the decoration effort anymore.  There are no children to visit, no memories to create. 

I have my memories, the memories of my childhood Christmas delight, memories of my children’s Christmas delight, and seeing the delight in my grandchildren.

Christmas is a magical time of year.  I know it is a Religious day, but it is more than that.  I know it represents the birth of Christ, but doesn’t it also represent the birth of all children, the joy of life itself?

Christmas is for kids, and when I see the effort of other people’s decorations without decorating myself, I feel like a kid. 

Addition By Subtraction

Addition By Subtraction

From time to time I may be critical of Mrs. C’s reticence to throw anything away.  I might have from time to time mentioned how painful it is that we pay skiddly-eight dollars a month for a storage unit that contains on a good day way less than skiddly-eight dollars of crap.

I try not to make too big a deal about this expense as marital discord is way more expensive than skiddly-eight dollars a month.  My divorces alone cost me at least forty thousand-skiddly-eight dollars.

Mrs. C is worth way more than skiddly-eight dollars a month. 

I do occasionally complain about clutter in the house which is the result of saving every piece of crap she has ever purchased and the box it came in on.   I should complain less than I do, because a good relationship is worth way more than putting up with a little clutter.

This weekend, Mrs. C miraculously decided to declutter a basement storage/office area.  I know how difficult this was for her as I have quit nail biting, smoking and excessive drinking. 

I am very proud of her.

She tossed boxes of party hats and noise makers from NYE 2004.  She tossed bank statements from 2002-2011 and work manuals from a bank she left in 1997.  She consolidated boxes and tossed cartons with contents unknown but with best-used-by dates from last century.

Amid all the crap she jettisoned she did find some interesting stuff. 

She found a picture of a very young Mrs.  C with Captain Jack McCarthy of 1960’s “Popeye Theater “cartoon fame.  If you grew up in the NYC area way back when, you would be impressed.  Apparently, there was a class trip to NYC involved.

She was excited to find recipes from her Mom for ziti, lasagna, stuffed shells, proper gravy and stuffing.  She has these recipes in her head, but apparently the actual copies from her mother are special.  She has been looking for them for years.

I expected she would find some money, she often hordes currency away like a squirrel and then forgets about it.  Not large sums mind you, but often enough for dinner out.  Unfortunately, she found only coins.  About $4.75 worth, not counting about 150 wheat pennies which are made of all copper.  They are probably worth $1.75 now, but in 30 years…who knows.

The room still is a mess, but you can actually move around in it and even reach some stored items which are not crap.  Addition by subtraction.

It is a start.

It’s the Little Things

It’s the Little Things

It’s the little things that gets Mrs. C upset.  It is amazing actually. 

A few weeks back I filled my new cars tank with diesel fuel.  My new car does not run well on diesel fuel.  We were stuck for 6 hours in a dinky gas stop interrupting what should have been a nice weekend trip in Virginia.

Was Mrs. C angry that my stupidity cost us 6 hours of boredom and eventually about $600 in repairs and car rentals? 

Not really..  She was not real happy, but she was completely understanding and never said boo about my goof.

This Thanksgiving, Mrs. C drove her sister to the airport for a flight to Orlando.  She was up at 3 am to get her sister on a 6 o’clock flight.  She dropped her off and was half way home when she got a call from her sister,

“Ah, I booked my flight from Orlando to Newark, instead of Newark to Orlando…can you pick me up?”

Sis-in-law may have a case of “lexdixia.”

Was Mrs. C angry that her sister had her up at 3 am and she had booked her flights backwards?

No, not at all.  She is a very understanding person for really big stupid screw-ups.

But for little things?  OMG!

At our Sunday early Thanksgiving feast with family and friends, I made the mistake of tossing a half empty glass of cider.  I find that in these functions, people leave glasses of stuff all over and if they seem unattended, I will clear the counters, otherwise we don’t have enough room in our small kitchen.

Apparently the cider was Mrs. C’s.

OMG!!

“DID YOU THROW AWAY THE CIDER THAT WAS ON THE COUNTER?”

“I might have, I thought it was an orphan.”

“DON”T THROW AWAY MY STUFF!!  DON’T THROW AWAY ANYTHING…EVER without first checking with me!”

Mrs. C was upset about the tossing of the cider for several days. 

Fill the cars tank with the wrong fuel?  She takes it in stride.

Book airplane flights backwards?  It happens.

Toss a half a glass of cider? BIG PROBLEM!!

What gets you upset, really big stupid blunders, or is it the little things?

Raising a Teenager

Raising a Teenager

My daughter occasionally calls when her two teenagers behavior confuses her.  My son is just a few years away from having his own teenagers.  I thought perhaps they might need a user manual for teenagers.

TEEN MANUAL

Congratulations, you have raised a child to their teenage years.  Please read carefully the instructions for these precious years in your child’s life.

Your new teenager seems durable, but is actually very fragile. 

Your teen comes in two models, the Testosterone Positive and the Testosterone Challenged, or the TP and TC models.

Either model may be difficult to handle, but if properly managed will bring you occasional joy, and more importantly will eventually grow into a useful human-being that may well take care of you when you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning and are found having conversations with the mail box.

Your new teen is capable of doing chores and can even take care of themselves, but will need constant programming with the voice command function.  If the voice command does not work, monetary incentives might occasionally produce desired effects.  Threats of removing privileges is a last resort. 

Do not, repeat, do not attempt “Grounding.” Grounding always backfires because they will be grounded in your venue.  Grounding is parental punishment, teens will sap your will during grounding…DON’T EVEN TRY!!

Your teen, both TC and TP models will depend on you to help them make good decisions.  However, a defect in their wiring will cause a tantrum if you forbid them from doing something stupid. 

It you allow them to do something stupid, they will assume you don’t give a damn and will make sure to be extra stupid, get in trouble, and make you feel guilty and miserable.

Unfortunately, this decision-making defect has no remedy.  Nothing you do or don’t do will result in satisfactory behavior in your teen. 

If possible, it is best to not know about any bad decision a teen is about to make…sticking your head in the sand is sometimes the best course of action.

Your teen may sleep twelve to fourteen hours a day, this is expected behavior, they are making up for all those years as an infant when they would not sleep at all. 

When awake, your teen will be hungry, but will not know what to eat. Staring at an open refrigerator for long periods of time is not unusual.

Your teen has not yet had an empathy download.  They will only care for themselves much of the time.  It is up to you to develop their empathy program.  If you figure out how to do this please let us know and we will update the manual.

Your teen may be happy when you are miserable, and miserable when you are happy.  Their behavior will often reflect this phenomenon.  This is another defect that has no resolution, grit your teeth and accept that you will be miserable for about six years.  You wanted them, suck it up, keep your eye on the prize, an independent human that will give you grandchildren and might take care of you years down the road.

Do’s and Don’ts:

Do listen to your teen’s complaints.

Don’t ever ask them “What’s wrong?”

Do give them enough leeway to learn and grow.

Don’t give them enough leeway to really fuck up their life.

(No one ever said this was easy)

Your Teenager may sometimes act in a way that makes you want to adjust behavior with a manual attitude adjustment. 

DO NOT ATTEMPT MANUAL ATTITUDE ADJUSTING!

Your TC Teen has been programmed to be very stubborn, a manual adjustment will not work, it will only reinforce the disagreeable behavior.

Your TP Teen may temporarily adjust his behavior, but he will not forget the adjustment… remember, in a few years, he will be able to kick your ass.

Your Teen will have many flaws that this owner’s manual does not address, there are too many variables, for the most part you are on your own.

FAQ’S

Q.  Is grounding effective?

A.  DID YOU EVEN READ THIS MANUAL?

Q.  Why don’t…

A.  STOP…we have nothing.  From here on you are on your own.

You thought infants were difficult?  You thought toddlers were hard? You thought adolescents were complicated?

HA HA HA HA HA!

Congratulations, you have a Teen.

CELEBRITY FREE-PASS

CELEBRITY FREE-PASS

A re-run from 2014...the crushes have aged a bit, but so have we.

Do most married couples have a celebrity free-pass?  You know.  Come on, I know you know.  If given a chance, if the opportunity presents itself, who is that one celebrity that your wife is allowed to have an affair with…just once?  

Who is your celebrity .  Who is the one if the opportunity presents itself that your wife will look the other way…just once?

Mrs. Cranky likes older men, fortunately for me, and she has always had a thing for Sean Connery.  She may have a thing for some others.  Johnny Depp, Keanu Reeves to mention a couple, but she only gets a free pass with one.  She chose Sean Connery. 

Are you reading this Sean?

Now the question becomes, who, Cranky, is your celebrity free-pass?

This is tough.  I have to pass on all the young pretties.  Paris, any Kardasian, Lindsey, they all just seem too full of themselves.  I’m thinking they wouldn’t be all that great.  I think I would feel like smacking them and sending them home; just too young.

Then there are your Jennifer Aniston’s and your Pamela Anderson’s, who are older, still plenty hot, and maybe not quite so full of themselves.  Naw, still too young.  I only have one pass; I don’t want to waste it on a snot head unappreciative bimbo.

Here it is.  Maybe she is in her sixties, but I always had a thing for Patricia Richardson.  She was the wife on Tim Allen’s show “Tool Time.”  She’s cute, funny, and down to Earth.  I’ve seen some recent pictures, and she’s still got it.  She just might appreciate a cranky old man.

If you’re interested Patricia, I have one free pass.  Do you know Sean Connery?  Maybe we could double date.

Do you get a free celebrity pass?  Who is it?  Come on, no one reads this crap; it will just be between you, me, and your better half.

STUPID HEADLINES 112519

STUPID HEADLINES 112519

That'd be my guess.

This weeks stupid headlines and my stupider sometimes sophomoric comments.

____________________________-

Meghan Markle, mom Doria Ragland to be weighed by the Queen after Christmas lunch as part of bizarre tradition – This is an old WASP tradition to weigh the guest before and after, along with the weight of all the food consumed  to determine if anyone stole the silverware…doesn’t everyone do this?

University staff told not to use ‘don’t’ or ‘frightening’ capital letters – In other news…WE’RE FUCKED!!

Dead fish to fuel Norwegian Hurtigruten cruise liner – So it’s a Kipper Ship?

School in England bans designer Canada Goose and Moncler jackets to keep poorer students from feeling bullied – At lunch time the rich students are required to hold up a bowl and pitifully ask, “Please sir, may I have some more?”

3D-printed motorcycle is like nothing you've seen – And to see it you have to wear those red and green lens glasses.

Moms are wearing babies’ umbilical cords as jewelry – Also doubles as birth control.

Cryptocurrency mining firm files for bankruptcy amid Bitcoin slump – Cryptocurrency mining firm? Bitcoin?  Crap, I just started trusting ATM machines a few years ago.  Now I know how my mom felt when I talked about VCR’s and cable TV.

Man suspected of money laundering after $400,000 found in washing machine – I once washed a $20  left in my pants pocket, I didn’t know it was illegal.

London police target ‘moped bandits’ by driving into them in new crime-fighting tactic – Great was to stop the thieves, but the moped owners might not be too happy when their ride is returned all smashed up.

London bans fast food ads from public transportation – Damn, the only fast thing on public transportation is the food.

Bride and groom perform wedding vows as rap battle – I give them about 2 years tops…what rhyes with “Pre-nup?"

FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE WEEK:

Domino's deliveryman who saved woman in danger surprised by Taylor Swift at concert – Not a real feel-good week, but I liked this one.

https://www.today.com/food/taylor-swift-honors-domino-s-hero-who-saved-woman-t139034

BLANK-AHOLICS

Blank-aholic

Actually not that funny

A cranky opinion for

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

I have a beef, but first a little truth in blogging:

I am not a nice person, I am actually a nasty bastard.  I do try and cover this up and try to blog only about innocent things.  I have mostly stopped with opinions on politics where I am clearly a racist, xenophobic, and misogynist.  I try to only post on innocuous crap, with the exception of occasionally poking fun at Mrs. C which, generally ends up as self-effacing peeks into my boring life.

However,

Recently one of my most innocent satirical posts upset a very nice person and I realized that even with only 27 readers, no matter what you say, there is an excellent chance of accidentally hitting someone’s nerve.  With that in mind I am going to rant on a subject that pisses me off.  If you are easily disturbed by almost anything not pictures of cats or food, please stop reading now.

Begin Rant:

BLANK-AHOLICS

I used to be a smoker. Perhaps you could say a “Smoke-aholic.”  It is a horrible addiction and was very difficult to quit.

I used to get hammered on wine and scotch virtually every night.  Perhaps you could say I was an “alcoholic.”  It is a horrible addiction and was very difficult to quit. (I do still enjoy an occasional glass of wine with dinner or port with a cigar.)

Addictions are not a laughing matter.  Addictions ruin millions of  lives daily, and yet in a society where you cannot even say or print some words like “bitch,” “nigger,” “asshole” and others, regardless of the context, it is quite all right to make a joke of addictions.

What am I talking about?

I am talking about the people who love to  shop, can afford to shop and refer to themselves jokingly and with actual pride as a “Shop-aholic.”

No you are not!  It is not an addiction, you just like to shop!  You can stop shopping if you want, it does not negatively affect your life, you are actually bragging that you can afford to buy stuff and you do buy stuff.  If you were a real “Shop-aholic” you would be ashamed of your purchases, you would hide your purchases and you would be deep in debt.

This one really pisses me off.  People who claim to be a “Choc-oholic.”  I had a sister-in-law that weighted 17 pounds who claimed she was a “Choc-oholic!”  She probably ate a piece of chocolate a week and then went to the gym and ran the treadmill for 2 hours.  Real “Choc-oholics” are obese, diabetic, miserable, and ashamed, it is not something to casually boast about.

A lot of ladies claim to be “Wine-aholics.”  They laugh about “Mommies little helper”, and make jokes about sneaking wine in a sippy cup.  You are making fun of a disease that is far from funny, and by the way some of these ladies are probably future alcoholics.

Stop it!

That’s it, that’s my rant.  Stop with the “Blank-aholic” references.  You may like to shop, you may like chocolate, you may like an occasional glass of wine, you are not an -aholic anything! 

Anything “-aholic” is not funny, and if you claim to be “-aholic” to anything, it is a sure sign that you are not addicted.  Addicted people do not admit to their addiction, they try and hide it.

End of rant.

Tomorrow I will make fun of Mrs. C in a way that actually shows I am a JERK-AHOLIC!

It Was A Great Thanksgiving

It Was A Great Thanksgiving

Was?  What do you mean was? Its not even Thursday yet?

The Cranky house celebrates Thanksgiving every year on the Sunday before the third Thursday in November.  We do this as our guests all have different plans with divided families on the actual day, so we jump the gun.

The result is I am currently recovering from turkey overload.  It is a groggy bloated condition that lasts until the leftovers are gone.

This Thursday we are having an untraditional Thanksgiving Duck, as we will be turkeyied out.

So I will still be feasting, just without the family and friends, and I will still watch the traditional Detroit Lions losing to someone football game.

And don’t forget the traditional Thanksgiving Song:

TURKEY DAY

To the tune of Buddy Holly's "Everyday" (GIYP)

Turkey Day it’s a gettin closer

Who don’t love a tasty oven roaster

A well-cooked bird will surely come my way

A-hay, a-hay, a great day 

 Turkey Day, goin to be a- crazy

A great big meal, then get really lazy

A well-cooked bird will surely come my way

A-hay, a-hay, a great day

Turkey Day, Lions get their ass beat

Either way, just give me some white meat

Come that day

Right in front of my seat

Pumpkin pie for me

Turkey Day it’s a gettin closer

Who don’t love a tasty oven roaster

Turkey and gravy will surely come my way

A-hay, a-hay, a great day

Turkey Day, goin to be a- crazy

A great big meal, then get really lazy

Thanksgiving is, sure my favorite day

Oh, I luv, Thanksgiving Day

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Eye-Bag Model

Eye-Bag Model

I can’t go through a day of TV watching without seeing the same infomercial for wrinkle cream. (Yes, I do watch too much TV)

This commercial shows an old dude with bags under his eyes and a “Beauty Expert” who reports as he spreads the cream on his eye-bags.

The “Beauty Expert” tells you as the dude slaps on the cream,

“We have a model; his name is Ritchie…”

Time laps photography shows the wrinkles practically disappearing, and the Beauty Expert goes gaga,

“We were screaming three minutes, four minutes as the eye-bags disappeared!”

Mind you, he still looks like an old dude, but the wrinkles do almost go away.

Anyway:

What gets my attention from this commercial, is not WOW that crap really works!  No, I wonder about two things.

First, what makes someone a “Beauty Expert?”

I mean do you go to school to become a “Beauty Expert?” 

I don’t remember a major at my college for “Beauty Expert.”  I think it would be a pretty easy curriculum:

“Welcome class to “Beauty Expert” 101.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Got that? OK, dismissed, you are all now “Beauty Experts.”

The second thing that grabs my attention in this infomercial is, are there really professional eye-bag models? 

“We have a model; his name is Ritchie…” WTH?  How do I get this gig?  I have eye-bags that are every bit as baggy as Ritchie’s!  How do you become an eye-bag model?  Do eye-bag models get paid a lot?  How many gigs could there possibly be for an eye-bag model.

Do they have a cattle call for eye-bag modeling jobs?

“You, number three, thank you for coming, but were going to go with Ritchie, he is just the guy to go to for eye-bag parts.”

Damn that Ritchie, other eye-bag models have been waiting years for a call and he beats them out.

I think I will no longer put “Retired” on my income tax form.  I think I will become either a Beauty Expert, or an Eye-Bag model.

THE 2012 STANDARD WIFE

THE 2012 STANDARD WIFE

This re-run is from August 2012 follow up from last weeks re-run

The divorce rate in this country is disturbing. In many cases the cause of break-ups is unrealistic expectations by the husband, and an inability to understand how to deal with a new wife. New husbands-to-be should get a set of instructions before the wedding.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE 2012-SW (available en Espanol)

Congratulations on your new 2012 Standard Wife or your 2012-SW.  Your 2012 –SW is very durable and if maintained properly should last a lifetime. 

The 2012-SW comes fully equipped to take care of many functions which you are ill-equipped to perform.  These can include cooking, organizing, remembering important dates, procreation and child rearing.

Your 2012- SW is also fully functional in many areas from doctor, lawyer, Indian Chief, and bringing home bacon...she will still provide those services which you are ill equipped to perform, however she may burn out and be less than pleasant.  You will need to actually pitch in on some unpleasant functions, or accept outside assistance.

Your 2012-SW does not respond well to vocal commands.  To get your SW model to reach peak performance it is recommended that you lubricate well with good wine, sparkly things, occasional flowers and sweet talk.

Some models may be slightly defective and will react negatively when you fail to properly apply the above lubrication.   This defect may manifest in screechy harsh vocal output.  It is the manufacturer’s recommendation that you comply immediately to whatever the harsh vocal output requests.  A firm whack on the vocal mechanism sometimes will successfully correct the output issue, but this is a temporary fix which will ultimately cause your 2012-SW to completely break down beyond any repair.  YOU ARE HIGHLY DISCOURAGED FROM WHACKING THE SW VOCAL MECHANISM!!

There is no refund for malfunctioning 2012-SWs, however they may be partially insured through a Pre-nup policy.  This policy is recommended.    

Your 2012-SW is especially well suited for procreation and post- procreation functions.  She can operate for long periods of time with little or no sleep.  You will be required to show appreciation for this function and provide occasional sleep relief.

We cannot stress enough that though your 2012-SW appears very durable the SW is very sensitive!  You MUST handle with care and show constant appreciation. 

Many 2012-SWs will demand more shoes and other attire than you might think is necessary.  Do not attempt to limit shoes and attire, you will fail and it will reduce the effectiveness of your 2012-SW.

Your 2012-SW is fully equipped to perform to your satisfaction in the bedroom.  Do NOT attempt to operate this function without adequate warm up; when finished, a substantial cool down time is also recommended.

Your 2012-SW comes with a date of production and a date of officially becoming a SW.  Remember, and celebrate these dates.  Failure to acknowledge production and SW dates with dinner out and or presents will cause temporary malfunction of your 2012-SW.


DO's and DON’Ts

Do - periodically tune up your 2012-SW with dinners out, wine and kind words.

Don’t – Attempt high volume vocal commands.

Do – Stroke your SW for high performance.

Don’t – Shake or in any way treat your 2012-SW harshly.

Do – Occasionally attempt to assist in what you consider normal SW functions.  Your 2012-SW will do these functions over but your attempts will be rewarded.

Don’t – Try to decorate any room other than the basement.  The 2012-SW has no override button in the decorating function.

Do – Wear whatever outfits your SW suggests.  She is programmed to be expert in this area.


FAQ’s

Q - My brother’s 2010-SW gained several pounds and has marks on her abdomen after the procreation function.  Has this been eliminated in the 2012-SW.

Ans – No.  Weight gain is typical.  In some models it is permanent.  We find that most husbands still find their SW to be as HOT as when new, even with a few extra pounds.  We call the marks “stretch marks.”  They are typical and should not be considered to be a defect.

Q – I have heard that some SW models are overly demanding and sometimes are not completely logical.

Ans – Yes…Deal with it!

Q – Is it true some previous model SWs would obey all verbal commands without question?

Ans – Yes, however these models have been out of production for years and when they did exist, they often did not perform in the bedroom function.

Please remember that with proper care and tune-ups, your 2012-SW should give you a lifetime of satisfaction.

Enjoy your 2012-SW.