Raising a Teenager
My daughter occasionally
calls when her two teenagers behavior confuses her. My son is just a few years away from having
his own teenagers. I thought perhaps
they might need a user manual for teenagers.
TEEN MANUAL
Congratulations, you have raised a
child to their teenage years. Please
read carefully the instructions for these precious years in your child’s life.
Your new
teenager seems durable, but is actually very fragile.
Your teen
comes in two models, the Testosterone
Positive and the Testosterone Challenged, or the TP and TC models.
Either model
may be difficult to handle, but if properly managed will bring you occasional joy,
and more importantly will eventually grow into a useful human-being that may
well take care of you when you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
and are found having conversations with the mail box.
Your new
teen is capable of doing chores and can even take care of themselves, but will
need constant programming with the voice command function. If the voice command does not work, monetary
incentives might occasionally produce desired effects. Threats of removing privileges is a last
resort.
Do not,
repeat, do not attempt “Grounding.”
Grounding always backfires because they will be grounded in your venue. Grounding is parental punishment, teens will
sap your will during grounding…DON’T
EVEN TRY!!
Your teen,
both TC and TP models will depend on you to help them make good decisions. However, a defect in their wiring will cause
a tantrum if you forbid them from doing something stupid.
It you allow
them to do something stupid, they will assume you don’t give a damn and will
make sure to be extra stupid, get in trouble, and make you feel guilty and
miserable.
Unfortunately,
this decision-making defect has no remedy.
Nothing you do or don’t do will result in satisfactory behavior in your
teen.
If possible,
it is best to not know about any bad decision a teen is about to make…sticking
your head in the sand is sometimes the best course of action.
Your teen
may sleep twelve to fourteen hours a day, this is expected behavior, they are
making up for all those years as an infant when they would not sleep at
all.
When awake,
your teen will be hungry, but will not know what to eat. Staring at an open
refrigerator for long periods of time is not unusual.
Your teen
has not yet had an empathy download.
They will only care for themselves much of the time. It is up to you to develop their empathy
program. If you figure out how to do
this please let us know and we will update the manual.
Your teen
may be happy when you are miserable, and miserable when you are happy. Their behavior will often reflect this
phenomenon. This is another defect that
has no resolution, grit your teeth and accept that you will be miserable for
about six years. You wanted them, suck
it up, keep your eye on the prize, an independent human that will give you
grandchildren and might take care of you years down the road.
Do’s and
Don’ts:
Do listen to your teen’s complaints.
Don’t ever ask them “What’s wrong?”
Do give them enough leeway to learn and grow.
Don’t give them enough leeway to really
fuck up their life.
(No one ever said this was easy)
Your Teenager
may sometimes act in a way that makes you want to adjust behavior with a manual
attitude adjustment.
DO NOT ATTEMPT MANUAL ATTITUDE
ADJUSTING!
Your TC Teen
has been programmed to be very stubborn, a manual adjustment will not work, it
will only reinforce the disagreeable behavior.
Your TP Teen
may temporarily adjust his behavior, but he will not forget the adjustment… remember,
in a few years, he will be able to kick your ass.
Your Teen
will have many flaws that this owner’s manual does not address, there are too
many variables, for the most part you are on your own.
FAQ’S
Q. Is grounding effective?
A.
DID YOU EVEN READ THIS MANUAL?
Q.
Why don’t…
A.
STOP…we have nothing. From here
on you are on your own.
You thought
infants were difficult? You thought
toddlers were hard? You thought adolescents were complicated?
HA HA HA HA HA!
Congratulations,
you have a Teen.
We had a pair of Estrogen Enhanced .... time will tell what the next gen faces.
ReplyDeleteCousin Joe...Well Done! I am sharing this with my son and daughter in law....their kids are only 7 and 5, but the 5 year old girl is already exhibiting some classic teenage behavior.....fun to watch from the Mimi point of view...guaranteed to make them as gray haired as twin boys made me!
ReplyDeleteThose grays look good on you cuz, my mom considered them an achievement badge.
DeleteWasn't sure I was going to survive those years. Resorting to drugs for the Mom may be necessary. But it was well worth it to see the man he has become. And he admits he hopes he doesn't have a child like him.
ReplyDeleteThis seems really helpful, and it's unfortunate that most people don't read instruction manuals.
ReplyDeleteLol on the "precious years." I'm wondering if it ever gets easy? Some of the young adult years are just as worrisome.
ReplyDeleteWe were ready to send one of our TP models back to the factory for reprogramming, but settled for relocating it to a college town. The other one must not have been operating on full power, because we never had a problem with it.
ReplyDeleteYep, you know your stuff here. What a challenge it was. I'm so glad it's over.
ReplyDeleteHave a fabulous day, Joe. 😎
My mom said she hoped I'd have one just like me; two of my three were just like me!!
ReplyDeleteOh man! This one is right on!
ReplyDeletePhew, glad I let my brother and sisters have the kids. Being the cool aunt is really kind of neat.
ReplyDelete1. Set the boundaries (rules) very early in life.
ReplyDelete2. reinforce boundaries whenever necessary with relaxation of rules as necessary.
3. remind them of boundaries while allowing some wing spread (let them fly a little)
4. go with the flow, knowing you taught them right and right-from-wrong.
5. Love them, no matter what.
Before mine got to be teens, i took heart at the advice of a lady who had teens and toddlers at the same time. She said she preferred the teen years because she could tell them, "You knew better, now you have to suffer the consequences." As she pointed out, when her toddlers broke the dining room table, her husband blamed her.
ReplyDeleteSo when mine got to be teens, i mostly employed that tactic -- you are old enough, you know better. It made my life easier, and i mostly enjoyed my teens.
Wonderful ~ and oh, so true. I had finally come to the conclusion that the annoying, smelly, irritating, lazy, silly, sometimes idiotic behavior of teens is to prepare the parental unit to look forward to the day that they flap those wings out of here.....
ReplyDeleteTeenagers seem to know everything about everything.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
I feel and know your pain. You nailed it.
ReplyDeleteWe went through our 3 teens and survived. Now they think we were wise and trusting, good or bad.
A three yr. old was much easier.
Ah i can totally relate Joe!
ReplyDeletei was lucky that my first child was quite understanding as we had lots of time to spend with each other so things were not much tough but now i have two teens with 3 years age difference
middle one is toughest and this is grace of God that i could not do without he help of my husband who filled spaces of my leaning and i learnt how to deal with such a difficult child
this is surprising that this process made me calmer and more understanding ,we are at good point of relationship and this is so peaceful feeling!