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Tuesday, November 27, 2018
Raising a Teenager
Raising a Teenager
My daughter occasionally calls when her two teenagers behavior confuses her. My son is just a few years away from having his own teenagers. I thought perhaps they might need a user manual for teenagers.
Congratulations, you have raised a child to their teenage years. Please read carefully the instructions for these precious years in your child’s life.
Your new teenager seems durable, but is actually very fragile.
Your teen comes in two models, the Testosterone Positive and the Testosterone Challenged, or the TP and TC models.
Either model may be difficult to handle, but if properly managed will bring you occasional joy, and more importantly will eventually grow into a useful human-being that may well take care of you when you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning and are found having conversations with the mail box.
Your new teen is capable of doing chores and can even take care of themselves, but will need constant programming with the voice command function. If the voice command does not work, monetary incentives might occasionally produce desired effects. Threats of removing privileges is a last resort.
Do not, repeat, do not attempt “Grounding.” Grounding always backfires because they will be grounded in your venue. Grounding is parental punishment, teens will sap your will during grounding…DON’T EVEN TRY!!
Your teen, both TC and TP models will depend on you to help them make good decisions. However, a defect in their wiring will cause a tantrum if you forbid them from doing something stupid.
It you allow them to do something stupid, they will assume you don’t give a damn and will make sure to be extra stupid, get in trouble, and make you feel guilty and miserable.
Unfortunately, this decision-making defect has no remedy. Nothing you do or don’t do will result in satisfactory behavior in your teen.
If possible, it is best to not know about any bad decision a teen is about to make…sticking your head in the sand is sometimes the best course of action.
Your teen may sleep twelve to fourteen hours a day, this is expected behavior, they are making up for all those years as an infant when they would not sleep at all.
When awake, your teen will be hungry, but will not know what to eat. Staring at an open refrigerator for long periods of time is not unusual.
Your teen has not yet had an empathy download. They will only care for themselves much of the time. It is up to you to develop their empathy program. If you figure out how to do this please let us know and we will update the manual.
Your teen may be happy when you are miserable, and miserable when you are happy. Their behavior will often reflect this phenomenon. This is another defect that has no resolution, grit your teeth and accept that you will be miserable for about six years. You wanted them, suck it up, keep your eye on the prize, an independent human that will give you grandchildren and might take care of you years down the road.
Do’s and Don’ts:
Do listen to your teen’s complaints.
Don’t ever ask them “What’s wrong?”
Do give them enough leeway to learn and grow.
Don’t give them enough leeway to really fuck up their life.
(No one ever said this was easy)
Your Teenager may sometimes act in a way that makes you want to adjust behavior with a manual attitude adjustment.
DO NOT ATTEMPT MANUAL ATTITUDE ADJUSTING!
Your TC Teen has been programmed to be very stubborn, a manual adjustment will not work, it will only reinforce the disagreeable behavior.
Your TP Teen may temporarily adjust his behavior, but he will not forget the adjustment… remember, in a few years, he will be able to kick your ass.
Your Teen will have many flaws that this owner’s manual does not address, there are too many variables, for the most part you are on your own.
Q. Is grounding effective?
A. DID YOU EVEN READ THIS MANUAL?
Q. Why don’t…
A. STOP…we have nothing. From here on you are on your own.
You thought infants were difficult? You thought toddlers were hard? You thought adolescents were complicated?
HA HA HA HA HA!
Congratulations, you have a Teen.