This blog is now sugar FREE, fat FREE, gluten FREE, all ORGANIC and all NATURAL!!

Thursday, February 11, 2016

The Truth About Valentine’s Day Gifts

The Truth About Valentine’s Day Gifts

Warning, the following post comes from a man working on his third marriage. 
      Past performance is the best predictor of future results.

It’s February, that means that Valentine’s Day is approaching.  Who invented this horrible holiday?  Women grow excited with anticipation of her man actually being romantic for one day of the year.  Men grow frantic with worry because they have no clue what to do that could possibly satiate their lady’s anticipation.

I recently read a post about what men should not get their woman for Valentine’s Day.

Apparently flowers and candy are out…too cheesy and they say, “You just grabbed something quickly on the way home.”

Sexy lingerie just says, “You want sex with a slut.”

Gym equipment says, “You’re fat.” Cookware says, “You need to improve in the kitchen.” A new vacuum cleaner means, “You’re just a maid.”  A book means, “You need to improve your mind.” Perfume means “You want someone who smells like a whore”  Etc. etc. etc.

Get the fuck out!

First of all women always say, “Oh I don’t want anything, it’s not important.”  Ok, it takes years for men, who take everything literally, to learn that is just a test.  “I don’t want anything” means “you better get something and it has to be because you want to.”

So we finally figure out that it is important that we get something for Valentine’s Day of our own volition and just because we really care (like you really believe that anyway); and now there are lists of gifts that even though TV commercials scream that this is what women want…you really don’t want this stuff?  This stuff actually pisses you off because there is not enough thought put in the gift, or it is the wrong thought, or blah, blah, blah.

OK, you really do want something, we have to put thought into it, and it better be original.  What do you want?

The post I read say’s women want sensitive stuff.  A DVD of a chick flick that you never wanted to watch; a day at a spa; a book of “Good For" coupons.  Good for one bed-making, Good for one back rub, Good for breakfast in bed and so on and so on.

Get the fuck out. 

If you want to be married to a heterosexual man, you have to deal with gifts that are not all sensitive and gooey, because when we give sensitive stuff, most of the time you know it is fake anyway.

Here is the truth about Valentine’s Day and gifts.  Women will deny it, because even they don’t know it:

If a  woman really loves her man, whatever he gets for her will be either thoughtful, wonderful or and this is reserved for the lamest of all gifts…cute. 

That’s right guys if your woman is in love with you whatever you do will put her over the moon.  Keep in mind that you have to do something, do not fall for that “Oh, don’t do anything, it is not important” crap…that is a test and a trap! I cannot stress this enough

If your lady is not in a loving way, if she is bored with the relationship, if she is not feeling romantic, if she thinks you are a loser, then it will not matter one whit what you do or don’t do, get or don’t get; if she ain’t happy before Valentine’s Day, whatever you do for Valentines’ Day will be lame.

In summation, men, if you fuck up all year, there is not a damn thing you can do on Valentine’s Day that will even the score.  If you have been paying proper attention to your lady all year, anything you do or get will be at the very least “cute!”

But you must do something!


  1. Joeh speaks wise words, take this to heart, people.

  2. i hate this holiday and all the silly pressure it puts on people.

  3. Quite right Joe, I'm not one for grand gestures (which is fortunate because neither is SD!). I'd rather have someone who makes me happy every day just by being who they are. SD always manages to give me something that makes me laugh (remember the purple donut of love?). I don't need a special day to remind me how lucky I am.

  4. Well done! Joe H..You nailed it... So...just to clear things up...Good flowers are always a hit...We ladies can tell the difference between last minute roses purchased at the 7-11 , and beautiful Florist shop roses that come with a tiny box of chocolates...

  5. I don't want anything and I mean that. Flowers and candy are a waste to me. I don't want anything and my husband knows that. It's been working for years and we're both happy.

    The other think that always gets me about this holiday is the guy never seems to get anything. What's up with that? Not fair if you ask me.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺

  6. First Valentine's day as a married couple, hubby comes home with an ironing board. It wasn't quite what I was thinking, but his thought and intent were very kind and considerate. I ironed my clothes for work and didn't have one; used the floor with a towel spread over it. He actually had done some thinking about what to get. It was a very nice gesture, but not quite what I was looking for, but got to give him credit for going out of the box and not going with routine of chocolate, jewelry, flowers.


  7. "Dear Abbey" is so old school; now we have "Dear Cranky," advice for the clueless heterosexual male.

  8. Hi Joeh,

    I HATE Valentine's Day. Here is an old post I wrote on the subject:





  9. My ex-husband's mother use to shop for all his gifts to me. That makes one feel all warm and glowy. However, she had impeccable taste so it really wasn't too bad. I kind of miss her.

  10. Words of wisdom as usual, Cranky. Ladies--if you want something special you have to TELL your man. Guys can't read minds any better than any other creature. Give him some help.

  11. p.s. mimihagy and Sandee also make good points.

  12. These made-up holidays are just to sell more stuff. We're going out to dinner at a favorite city restaurant - we'll toast each other and hope for another year of caring. My 11 year old grandson asked his mom to buy a small stuffed animal and some candy for a "special girl" in his class. This morning, he chickened out and ate the candy himself.

  13. My husband called in on the radio to try and win me an overnight stay at a local winery. It's the thought that counts, right?

  14. I love Valentine's Day for the excuse I need (not really) to go out to dinner with my husband.

    Since men generally tend to be challenged gift givers, I don't mind telling my husband what I like: "Dear, I'm all about the three C's." He knows I mean chocolate, coffee, and camera stuff.

    I get a lot of chocolate and coffee. All is well.

  15. I'm not talkin'. I think you're in enough trouble already.

  16. Usually i'm working on Valentine's Day. We go have coffee on another day, and it's enough.

  17. The last paragraph is all any husband really needs to know. . .

    Jenn is really not into V-Day (she's been known to refer to it as 'VD', which, to her mind, is roughly similarly undesirable). But, at least once, she was really, truly, incredibly inspired on my behalf, and realizing that I could never, ever hope to match her on that score, she just declared the game over. . .

    For our Silver Anniversary, I stopped at the store the night before and bought a dozen roses, a box of her favorite candy, and a magnum of champagne. As I was checking out, the clerk, a woman about my age at the time, looked at me with wide eyes, and asked, "WHAT DID YOU DO???"

  18. After many years of exchanging thoughtful and romantic gifts for Valentine's Day, we both are now content with simply exchanging cards. Matter of fact, I suggested that we go to the card store together, and each pick out the one we like, hand it to the other, and then after reading them, put them back and go our merry way. He thought I was kidding. (I WASN'T!) (Do you have any idea how many cards we've accumulated after nearly fifty years of marriage?!)

  19. I want sex with a slut that already has her own sexy lingerie.


I love comments, especially some of my commenters are funny as heck!

Oh, and don't be shy, Never miss a Cranky Post.

Sign up for an email of every post...over there...on your right...go on!