Boathead
Anita @ Just Curious http://btdas.blogspot.com/2016/02/taken-for-granted.html
sparked this memory; I’m not sure if I
should thank her or not.
OK, the
title…This post is about a “friend” I once had who was a salesman in the
shipping industry. As you will see, he
was not my most favorite person. If you
are talking to anyone in the Navy or the shipping industry and refer to their
ships as a boat you will be corrected almost instantaneously.
“So, how big is your boat?”
“SHIP!”*
Like that.
I used to
refer to this particular individual as a “Boathead.”
Anyway.
Boathead was
the husband of a vague friend of my first wife.
He came to find out that I drove to the train station every morning and
he had a similar commute. Because of our
wives vague friendship, I somehow became Boathead’s personal chauffeur.
The wives
seemed to think this was a good idea.
Boathead needed a ride, I was going to the station everyday anyway, and
we could keep each other company.
My wife did not
get that commuting time is time to read the paper, nap, or just get all your
cranky out so you can be a human being at work.
Boathead was
a pain in the ass. He complained about
my beat-up unreliable VW bug on the way to the train, he would not shut up on the train, and he called every evening to coordinate our
train schedule for his ride home, a schedule often not to my liking.
“I’m running a little late tonight,
you don’t mind do you?”
Fucking
Boathead!
Boathead was
a salesman. His day was basically taking
customers to lunch and kissing ass for their business. On the way home I had to listen to what he
had for lunch, all paid for on his “Business card” like he was such a big shot. I so wanted to just look him in the eye and
say,
“How very impressive, but I’d like
to read the paper, so FUCK YOU and
your hotshot expense account…Oh and by the way does that expense account credit card work
at the gas station on the way home, or for the monthly parking at the train
station?”
Believe it
or not, I was too nice. I said “um hum” about eighty-seven times a day.
Interestingly
enough, when I had something to talk about, he would change the subject to his
own big shot life faster then he would say “Ship”
if I said boat.
Fucking
Boathead.
Somewhere
along the line after about two years of this delightful commuting arrangement
we parted ways. I don’t remember what it
was, a change of schedule or change of jobs I don’t remember. I do remember not missing his company.
I did bump
into him one day at a local convenience store. We went through the usual small talk. Well he talked, I um hummed a lot. I mentioned that I had moved, (I had upgraded to a
new neighborhood, one more hoity toity than his ride grubbing, chump ass, hotshot
expense account, crappy house.)
Always the
big shot he responded,
“Really! I wish I had known, I’m looking to buy a
rental house as an investment. I could
have bought your house.”
Sure, what
was he going to do, buy a second house with his expense account? Maybe first he should buy a hoopty to get to
the train station.
Anyway I
just um hummed him one last time and said good bye to his hot shot ass.
Fucking
Boathead.
* You get the same kind of instant response (plus a short rhyme) if you refer
to a rifle as a gun when talking to anyone who was ever in the Army.
You put up with two years of that?
ReplyDeleteI once put up with three months of getting a ride to work from a colleague who suggested it, and of course I said thanks that will save me bus money. After the three months, his wife decided I should chip in for petrol money (her idea was to collect the $10 bus money I was now saving),since he was going out of his way to pick me up each morning. I hadn't known that, so told him I'd go back to catching the bus, the blessedly quiet bus. He was a talker too, while I would nap all the way in on the bus.
You two commuted in a VW Bug? A cramped VW Bug? I know hindsight is always 20/20, but you could have launched into a daily coughing spell, explaining your tuberculosis was really raging, much more so than normal, or your leprosy was going to be the death of you any day. Tada! Nice quiet ride. :)
ReplyDeleteI used to share a ride to work with my best friend. Supported her through her divorce, and everything. Then she sowed all her missing wild oats for a couple of years. My husband called her a whore. Then they got married.
ReplyDeleteFriend or no friend, I can't stand talkative people in my car. Perhaps that's why no one ever asked for a ride!
ReplyDeleteWhy in the world would you agree to do this? Really, why. I would have dumped this poor excuse of a human being the first week. No wonder your divorced from this woman. In part because of Boathead.
ReplyDeleteHave a fabulous day. ☺
I think it is for this very reason that freeways here at so crowded and rarely anyone is in the carpool lanes (requiring 2 or more in the vehicle) during rush hour traffic. Would drive me crazy indeed!
ReplyDeletebetty
Yes, you should thank me. What was once a repressed memory, is now an opportunity to experience a bit of catharsis. :) And judging by the number of times I see your favorite expletive, I'd say it's working.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the shoutout and continuing this conversation. I'm still laughing... at your story and those of your readers, too! I hope you'll hear/see more.
I've never owned a rifle or a ship so thanks for the lingo lesson. As for Boathead, I think we've all experienced people like him, although I don't think I'd have been as kind as you.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'd have cut that routine quicker than you did. Someone once said "Just Say No."
ReplyDeleteIronically, the quote of the day over on the Brighton Pensioner's blog is from Kin Hubbard:
ReplyDelete"The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them."
(I have no idea who Kin Hubbard is)
* You get the same kind of instant response (plus a short rhyme) if you refer to a rifle as a gun when talking to anyone who was ever in the Army.
ReplyDeleteI know this one!! "This is my rifle, this is my gun, this one I shoot, with this one I have fun!!"
That must be where you used up almost your entire stock of patience for life, i know i would have.
ReplyDeleteWhen confronted with a request for a favor like this, I always say, "I would if I could, but I don't want to."
ReplyDeleteI spent a year riding an hour each way to the city with a co-worker. He liked the money, I liked the convenience. We sometimes talked, sometimes not. Every last Friday of the month, he made a detour on the way home to browse for gadgets in a computer store, subsidized by my gas money. I did not complain.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I would not willingly accept a passenger if I was the one driving.
I thin I'd rather pass a kidney stone than to commute one day with some
ReplyDeleteWith someone like that. Is what I meant to type.
ReplyDelete