THE SILENT MRS. CRANKY

THE SILENT MRS. CRANKY

Apparently Mrs. Cranky has found a new way to stop my sometimes incessant chatter.  She gives me the silent treatment.  She just doesn’t respond to any of my questions.  This should bother me, but I know how to nudge as well as anyone.

“Are you awake?”

“                         .”

“What time are you going to work today?”

“                         .”

Nobody gives Cranky the silent treatment!

“Are you awake?”

(Me in a high pitched Mrs. C voice)  “Yes, but I am trying to sleep.”

“What time are you going to work today?”

(Me in a high pitched Mrs. C voice)  “I don’t know, probably around 3.”

“Ok, good to know, was that so hard?”

“For crap sake, I’m awake now, and I’m going to work at 3!”

“Still, was that so hard?”

“Yes, I’m trying to get some sleep!”

“Ok, but it’s a simple question, I know you are awake, why the silent treatment?”

“                            .”

“Excuse me?”

“                           .”

“Oh, I get it.”

(Me in a high pitched Mrs. C voice)  “You’re a jerk!”

GAMES PEOPLE PLAYED

GAMES PEOPLE PLAYED

I think it is great that some people still play board games.  Computers and apps and stuff have made most of those old popular games obsolete. 

I remember playing some board games even before Parker Brothers and Milton Bradley “Invented them.”

I understand people paying money for Monopoly, Chutes and Ladders, Clue, Sorry and a whole bunch of games, but there are some games that only need paper, pen, and dice to replicate.

It drives me crazy when I go through the game section of a toy store and see people paying good money for “Hangman,” “Battleship,” and “Yatzee.”  Hell, I’m surprised Parker Brothers didn’t put out an expensive version of Tic Tac Toe!

Or did they?

Hangman –

We played this for years without any fancy store bought board.  A paper, a pencil, you draw a hangmen’s noose, add spaces below the noose, give a clue and play.  What are people paying Parker Brothers for?  The rules…like they’re so complicated.

Battleship –

Milton Bradley supplies the different size ships, a board with zones, pegs, and something to separate both playing grids.  We used graph paper, penciled in our ships, and simply x’ed out every called grid block.  If a ship was hit then you said, “You hit my battleship.”  Kinda like the MB version.  Any large box cover served to separate the two sheets of graph paper.

Yahtzee –

I was taught this game by my Grandma’s friend my Aunt Betts long before it was sold on the shelf of “Toy’s R Us.”  Apparently it was a game invented by boating enthusiasts to pass the nights at sea away; hence the name “Yaghtsy” or Yatzee.  All you need for this game are dice (5), a piece of paper and a pencil to record the scoring possibilities with the dice…pair, two pair, three of a kind, full house, straight, four of a kind and Yatzee or five of a kind.

We played all of these games with materials we had at hand.  We did not need Parker Brothers.

I wonder if anyone has patented:

“Hide and go seek.”  I could package the rules with a blindfold, a clock to count to 100 and a home base.

“Tag.” Sell the rules along with a vest to be worn by “It.”

“Kick the can.” A package would include rules, a piece of chalk to draw a circle, a can, and a rock, scissor and a piece of paper to decide who is “It.”

Then there is always “Blind man’s bluff,” “Hopscotch,” “Hot potato,” “I spy,” “Keep away,” “Running bases”…the possibilities are endless.

Too bad technology has made most of these good old games obsolete.    

STUPID FACEBOOK “WHO ARE YOU” QUIZZES

STUPID FACEBOOK “WHO ARE YOU” QUIZZES

Every day I see on Facebook people taking a quiz to determine which famous world leader they would be, or what occupation they should have, or who are they as smart as, or what animal they would be, or…well you know the quiz.  I don’t know how, but I am certain someone is making money off these stupid quizzes.  I never take them because I am afraid I would fail.

But I have no qualms about posting my own stupid quiz:

WHICH FAMOUS BRAIN-DEAD, NUMBNUTZ, JERK-WEED FOOL ARE YOU?

1.    A photographer is stalking you, you:

a.     Smile

b.    Dance like a fool

c.     Throw eggs at the camera

d.    Take off your clothes and make a porn movie

e.     Drink a fifth of scotch

2.    You are in a fender bender car accident and the other driver screams and makes a big scene, you:

a.     Assume full responsibility

b.    Make a lame excuse

c.     Throw eggs at the other driver

d.    Take off your clothes and make a porn movie

e.     Drink a fifth of scotch

3.    You are in a movie theater and another patron is making noise and playing with their cell phone, you:

                                                                

a.     Ask what he is watching on the cell phone

b.    Ask what is a cell phone
 

c.     Throw eggs at him

d.    Ask him to use the cell phone to video you taking off your clothes and make a porn movie

e.     Drink a fifth of scotch

4.    A police officer stops you for J-walking, you:

a.     Claim you are color blind and thought red was green

b.    Say that is how you always walk

c.     Throw eggs at the cop

d.    Take off your clothes and make a porn movie

e.     Offer the officer a slug from your scotch bottle

5.    You find a twenty dollar bill in the street, you:

a.     Pick it up and leave a thank you note

b.    Leave a note saying your twenty dollar bill is under this note

c.     Use the bill to blow your nose…and then throw eggs at it

d.    Pick up the bill and leave a DVD of your porn movie

e.     Drink a fifth of scotch

 

 

THE EVALUATION

If you even took this test, you are Jughead

If you took this test seriously, you are Gilligan

If you are too good to take the test even as a joke, you are Justin Bieber

If you took the test in the nude, you are Paris Hilton

If you took the test and then drank a fifth of scotch, you are David Hasselhoff

Who are you?

NOW THAT’S CLASS - a cranky re-run

NOW THAT’S CLASS

This cranky re-run is from July 2011.  It has only had 21 visits.  I like it so I'm giving it another shot...That's what re-runs are for.

People are often said to have real “class.”  Usually this is attributed to someone who dresses very well, speaks well, and treats others with respect.  Sometimes “class” is put-on or phony.  Sometimes “class” just comes naturally.

My grandfather ran a successful business in Philadelphia.  He earned a good living which allowed him to retire while his sons (my uncles, not my Dad) ran the business.  Grandma and Grandpa spent the spring and the fall in a nice apartment in the Philadelphia suburbs.  In the summer they had a house on the Jersey Shore.  In the winter, after Christmas, they fled to a small house on one of the many canals in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

At the Fort Lauderdale house Grandpa owned an 18 foot fishing boat which he kept at his dock on the canal.  Clearly Grandpa was a relatively wealthy man; deservedly so, as he worked hard his whole life, running a family business from the age of 15.

I say relatively wealthy, as in the Fort Lauderdale area in the nineteen sixties, some of the residents were unbelievably wealthy. 

One day returning from a fishing trip, Grandpa pulled into the local marina to refuel his yacht.  He had a tight fit to the fuel pump between two real yachts.  An old man on one of the real yachts, a 75 footer with a tender on the deck which put Grandpa’s fishing skiff to shame, stopped polishing the ship’s hardware to help Grandpa dock his boat.  The old guy had a three day beard, wore a torn tee shirt, raggedy shorts and a beat-up St Louis Cardinal Baseball cap. 

“Throw me the line; it’s a bit of a tight fit here.”  The old deck hand called out.  Grandpa complied, and the old dude helped pull in his boat  and tie him securely to the dock.

Grandpa hopped off his boat and while the marina attendant went about filling his tank, Grandpa went over to the deck hand who was now back to polishing hardware on the 75 foot yacht. 

“Thanks for your help.”  Grandpa called out, and he flipped a fifty cent piece to the deck hand.

“You’re welcome, and thank you very much sir.”  The deck hand replied, obviously pleased with the fifty cent tip which he snatched out of the air. 

Grandpa returned to his boat and paid the attendant for his fill up.  “How much did you tip the old guy?”  The attendant asked. 

“Oh, I gave him fifty cents.  It was real nice of him to stop his job to give me a hand, and I’m not so sure his boss would like it if he knew he was taking time off his work to help me.”

“It was nice of him, but he don’t have to worry none about upsetting the boss.  That there’s Mr. Owens.  He is the owner!”

The old “deck hand” owner graciously accepted and thanked Grandpa for his tip.  He said nothing about being the owner. He did not want to make Grandpa feel silly and spoil his big tipper, big shot moment.

Now that’s CLASS!

STUPID HEADLINES 072714

STUPID HEADLINES 072714

It is time once again for

"Was that wrong? Because if I knew it was wrong I never would have done that!"

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

One headline may be completely made up, guess the fake and win a mention and a Whoop-tee-doo.  'None of the above' may be a correct answer.

_____________________________

Michelle Obama: “There is no crack in our pies” – That Michelle, always complaining about something.

Obama gives protection to gay, transgender workers – That doesn’t seem fair, what about heterosexual, transgender workers?

A Romanian Man’s House was stolen and replaced with a cornfield - Police are looking for David Copperfield.

Tree planted in memory of George Harrison felled by beetles – This was going to be my fake headline next week!

Nazi war crimes suspect hospitalized in the US – “Paging Doctor Ira Rosenblatt please come to the ER we have an emergency, but take your time, no rush…really.” 

Mayfly Emergence So Huge It Shows Up On Weather Radar – Damn, that is one friggin big Mayfly!

Alabama man claims genitals mistakenly amputated – Ah…ah…ah…CHOO! Oh shit!

 

Longhorns misspell 'Texas' in their 2014 football media guide – Texas coach says, “We play Football!  Spelling is not our strong smoot.”

 

London man eats 38 sticks of butter in 10 minutes breaking Guinness record - He broke the record for biggest case of diarrhea ever.

 

British inventor builds giant 'fart machine' to fire at France – Will they even notice with all that stinky cheese?

 

Nevada education system ranked last in nation, report says – When questioned about this study, Nevada Superintendent of Public Instruction Dale Erquiaga said, “That be rediculum!”

 

New Jersey Turnpike Authority sues over Florida pizza shop logo – Because people in Florida who are looking for the Garden State Parkway may buy a pizza instead!

 

 

*Thanks to Uncle Skip for a Headline submission!

 

_____________________________

Last week’s stupid headline was:

Intoxicated South River man arrested for breaking into his own house – Well he thought he was breaking into his neighbor’s house.

And the only winner:

Slamdunk

I must have missed too many news stories from last week because I am not confident at all this time around. I am sure that some of the celebs spend way too much time thinking about themselves so I am guessing it is dude arrested for "breaking into his own house." One can't be charged for breaking and entering if you, the owner, are giving consent. 

Certainly, a male homeowner has been arrested more than once across the country for other stuff while "breaking into his own house"--but it is the other stuff that provides the actual legal charges.

Funny choices this week Joe.

It figures the Dude who posts analysis of interesting crimes would get this one! Follow Slamdunk @ http://theslamdunktrove.blogspot.com/

AND COME BACK NEXT WEEK FOR MORE

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!!

BAD STUFF HAPPENING…shouldn’t we do something?

BAD STUFF HAPPENING…shouldn’t we do something?

A cranky opinion for

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with little knowledge on the subjects opined.  Opposing opinions are welcome, but will probably be ignored and please, no name calling.  That means you, you big stupid head!

Several issues in the news this week which call for my cranky opinion.

A passenger plane was shot out of the air over the Ukraine, apparently by Russian rebels supported by Russia.  This was horrible and action needs to be taken.  Should send troops to support Ukraine and declare war on Russia, or we should impose sanctions, or we should strongly object?  Clearly we should do something…shouldn't we?

Our borders are being overrun by illegal immigrants including thousands of children all expecting automatic acceptance.  I’m really not too sure what all this is about, but it seems like trouble.  Should we allow these poor people in our country and support them so they may eventually have a better life, the life we all feel as citizens we should be given the opportunity to lead?  Or should we round them all up and send them back where they came from.  One choice sounds untenable, the other sounds downright cruel.  We need to do something and something soon…shouldn’t we?

What a mess there is in the Middle East.  Hamas is firing rockets into Israel killing civilians.  Most don’t cause any damage because Hamas is kind of inept.  Israel is retaliating by sending bombs and troops into Gaza to root out the terrorist tunnels.  Should Israel be allowed to defend itself?  Well yes, but they are killing civilians.  Is Hamas killing its own citizens through human shields to make Israel look like the villain?  Well yes, but the whole situation is horrible.  Shouldn't we do something to stop this violence?

More gun violence in this country.  A nut job tried to shoot up a hospital and did manage to kill one and wound another.  He was shot by a doctor who was probably illegally armed.  Oh my, what to do.  Make guns illegal and strip every one of their arms?  Arm every one so nut jobs are quickly dispatched of as was in this case?  Shouldn't we do something?

Iraq is a mess again.  The last time we tried to fix that place we got rid of a horrible person who was horrible to his people and it seems he is being replaced by more horrible people.  Should we send in troops and stop the violence?  That didn't really work the last time, maybe we should become permanent policemen in this country, except the Iraqis don’t want that.  We should do something, shouldn't we?

OK, I know “What is your opinion Cranky?”

My opinion is I am damn glad I am not the President because even the right decisions whether to take action, voice stringent objections, or do nothing will be the wrong decisions.  I think I’ll just sit back and wait and then point fingers. 

I am a great quarterback on Monday morning.

The preceding was a non-opinion copout by a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

PROUD HETEROSEXUAL MEN...come on!

PROUD HETEROSEXUAL MEN...come on!

I am a proud heterosexual male and have been so for as long as I can remember.  I will occasionally high five or fist bump another PHM.  I will occasionally let out a loud grunt of approval.  I will unleash a neanderthalian “YEAH!!” when my team scores.  I have even nudged another PHM when an attractive female passes by and commented that “Yeah, I’d tap that” when in fact I know that “that” is untappable by the likes of me.  It is just what PHM do.  It is pretty much required.

Still.

I am embarrassed by the current crop of PHM, especially those as seen on Reality TV.

When I see a bald fat man win a cooking competition, punch the sky, whoop it up, toss in a few YEAH’s and grunts while fist bumping and high fiving everyone within range, I cringe. 

“DUDE!! You cooked the best risotto! You did not win the World Cage Fighting Championship.”

I watched a bowling match the other day.  I love to bowl, but it is just rolling a ball at big sticks.  Throwing a ball is manly, hitting a ball is macho, rolling a ball is fun, but it is ROLLING A BALL.  The winner of this match wrapped up his victory by converting a single pin spare.  He jumped up and down, punched the sky, bent over and made a double fist while screaming ferociously,

“Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about, YEAH!!”

“Dude, well done, but it is bowling, you rolled a ball really well, relax, you are embarrassing all PHM.”

Recently I saw a guy correctly answer a “Wheel of Fortune” “Before and After” puzzle.  You would have thought he just won the Super Bowl.

“Damn Dude, man up and relax.  You won $1800 dollars and you beat two women, a Yippee would do.”

Look, real men don’t eat quiche.  Real men don’t cry…often.  Real men ogle, but try and be respectful and hide it.  Real men know how to give another real man a proper man hug (chest in, butt out, three thumps to the back and release) but real men do not over-react to simple successes. 

Simple success can be followed by a swift hand clap and can even include a “YES” if it is not a rub-it-in “YES.”  A simple win should be followed by “Nice game” and a hand shake, high five or fist bump.

Real men control their emotions as if to show their winning or success is commonplace. 

Uncontrolled jumping, sky punching, screaming, chest bumping and Ultimate Warrior facial expressions should be reserved for winning the Super Bowl, World Series, World Cup or any such once in a life time achievements.

Unless, of course, you do tap the untappable.