TESTING, ONE, TWO,
THREE
This post is
for men only. Move on women, nothing to
see here.
Are the
women gone? Are we good? Ok, listen up dudes:
After 68 years
above ground, three marriages and a couple of screwed up relationships to boot,
I have the answer as to why none of us understand women.
EVERYTHNG IS A TEST!!
When they
say
“I don’t
really want anything for my anniversary.”
IT IS A
TEST!
If you don’t
get them more than a card, YOU FAIL. If you don’t even get a card, you fail with
great prejudice. When you do buy
something nice they will say,
“I
told you not to get me anything! Aww, it’s
ok, I forgive you.”
Congratulations,
you passed the test.
When the
garbage is almost full, she will not tell you because, IT IS A TEST! If you do not
take it out before she tells you, YOU
FAILED THE TEST!
I grant you,
if you take it out too soon she will point out your misuse of space and waste
of money on excess garbage bags, but trust me that is part of the test…no one
said this was easy.
If she tells
you to
“Please
take out the garbage”
YOU FAILED THE TEST! If she adds,
“Why
do I always have to tell you?” You failed with great prejudice.
When your
woman makes any change to her hair. IT IS A TEST. If you do not notice, YOU FAILED. If you do notice and say you like the change,
she will ask,
“Really,
I think it may be too short.”
That is also
a test. You must respond that you really
loved it long, but the new cut is cute.
This will be a pass. If you agree
it is too short, YOU FAILED THE TEST.
Hint: Any time your lady leaves the
house, when she returns you ask, “Did you do something different? You look extra nice today.” This is cheating, but it assures you will not
fail a pop quiz.
If she asks
would you like to go out to dinner, the answer is always,
“Yes, you could use a break from the kitchen.”
Any other
answer is a FAIL.
When she
asks where you would like to go to dinner, do not answer,
“I don’t know where do you want to go?”
This is a FAIL.
The correct
answer is
“How about something nice, you deserve fancy?”
If she wants
casual dining she will tell you and still you have passed the test.
There is
much more of course, and you all know the easy ones,
“Does
this dress make me look fat?”
“You’re not going to wear that are you?”
“Was my
dinner OK?” Actually if she has to ask you failed…but
some serious gushing could buy you a pass.
And
remember, if you do fail, there is always extra credit for flowers and
candy.
If you trip
up on a final exam it may take jewelry.
Good luck,
and be careful out there.
;-) I've forwarded this to my husband, he needs to know what you know! xo
ReplyDeleteMy take from this is a man should wake up in the morning, immediately say, "I'm sorry", and present, on a rotating basis, flowers, candy, or jewelry. OK....got it. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteS
FAIL! Scott, you will be asked what you are sorry for and you better have a good answer. Also flowers, candy and jewelry all at once just screams affair! However you are on the right track, just tone it down a bit.
DeleteDang! This is HARD. *sigh*
Delete
ReplyDeleteHad to share this on Facebook.
ReplyDeleteRemember: You will never be tested if you stay pro-active. Cook breakfast, help with laundry, and watch the expenditures for things like "salon" "spa" and "nutrition" so you don't sound contrived when asking if she's done something different. You'll already know for sure!
i am just so not a typical woman.
ReplyDeleteI believe I've told this before. A colleague at work mentioned he was buying his wife a mixer for her birthday. I suggested he put pearls in the mixing bowl. He thanked me profusely. Pass.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your lifetime of wisdom. I've been married for forty years and I know less about women now than when I was a newlywed.
ReplyDeleteHave a nice day joeh. ☺
ReplyDeleteI'm with TexWisGirl, which means my husband's job is even harder.
ReplyDeleteBut speaking of garbage bags... WHY does my husband pull a HUGE green outdoor bag from the box to go around the house collecting trash?! Drives me crazy. WHY can't he get a tall kitchen bag that will more than adequately hold all the small bits of trash from the small bins?! What a waste of a good bag. ching ching ching I try to catch it (1/4 full) before it goes outside to the big 'ol nasty can, to empty its contents into the kitchen or garage trash bags in use that have space, then fold it and put it back. As long as there is nothing "wet" in it, it's good for an outdoors task later.
Okay... I needed to get that off my chest. Thanks.
Sadly, you are mostly right. You would be bored however if we didn't keep you a bit unbalanced.
ReplyDeleteLol JoeH I know what you mean....I hate taking tests!!!
ReplyDeleteFor some reason, this reminds me of the Roseanne episode where Roseanne gave Dan glamour shots of herself for their 20th anniversary, and Dan gave Roseanne a bathrobe.
ReplyDeleteI'm with TexWisGirl - not a typical woman. I decided many years ago that "tests" and playing games just waste time.
ReplyDeleteWhen I want a present, I email my husband the link to the item on Amazon. I've gotten beautiful camera equipment that way...and I always thank him profusely for being such a great gift giver. I also take out the trash myself and never ask him how any piece of clothing looks on me, because I'm handicapped myself that way. I'd wear dots and stripes in the same outfit...
He thanks me by never complaining about anything I cook and acts enthusiastic even when I fix garden burgers for dinner three times in the same week.
It used to be different with my first husband...I do think you get wiser as you get older. :-)
That's great Pixel but it would not make a very funny post.
DeleteYou are right about that!
DeleteYou needed to include something about we really don't want you guys to fix our problems when we come to you for advice about something. We just want you to listen and not try to solve it. Otherwise, I think you nailed it!
ReplyDeletebetty
Sorry. I didn't tune out when I was told to. But when do women ever do what they're told? Besides I knew there was potential for a hilarious post. I was not disappointed. You passed the test with flying colors.
ReplyDeleteBeing a woman, I did not read this post. But if I had, I would have agreed with everything you said!!
ReplyDeleteI had no idea we women were so difficult!
ReplyDeleteGlad you are willing to study and pass, most of the time.
Well, after reading the opening sentences of this post, I was about to follow the directions and just leave without reading any further. You know, because I like following directions. But then...I thought...is this a test? Does he really, really want the women folk not to read this post? He's just testing us, right? It's a test, I bet. He says he wants us to leave, but he's just saying that so we WILL read it, simply out of curiously. Or defiance. I mean, tell US what to do? Please. So, I assumed it was a test. I didn't want to FAIL. So I read the post.
ReplyDeleteDid I pass? Please tell me I passed. I hate to fail.