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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

TESTING, ONE, TWO, THREE


TESTING, ONE, TWO, THREE

This post is for men only.  Move on women, nothing to see here.

Are the women gone?  Are we good?  Ok, listen up dudes:

After 68 years above ground, three marriages and a couple of screwed up relationships to boot, I have the answer as to why none of us understand women.

EVERYTHNG IS A TEST!!

When they say

I don’t really want anything for my anniversary.

 IT IS A TEST!

If you don’t get them more than a card, YOU FAIL.  If you don’t even get a card, you fail with great prejudice.  When you do buy something nice they will say,

I told you not to get me anything!  Aww, it’s ok, I forgive you.”

Congratulations, you passed the test.

When the garbage is almost full, she will not tell you because, IT IS A TEST!  If you do not take it out before she tells you, YOU FAILED THE TEST! 

I grant you, if you take it out too soon she will point out your misuse of space and waste of money on excess garbage bags, but trust me that is part of the test…no one said this was easy. 

If she tells you to

Please take out the garbage

YOU FAILED THE TEST!  If she adds,

Why do I always have to tell you?  You failed with great prejudice.

When your woman makes any change to her hair.  IT IS A TEST.  If you do not notice, YOU FAILED.  If you do notice and say you like the change, she will ask,

Really, I think it may be too short. 

That is also a test.  You must respond that you really loved it long, but the new cut is cute.  This will be a pass.  If you agree it is too short, YOU FAILED THE TEST.

Hint: Any time your lady leaves the house, when she returns you ask, “Did you do something different?  You look extra nice today.”  This is cheating, but it assures you will not fail a pop quiz.

If she asks would you like to go out to dinner, the answer is always,

Yes, you could use a break from the kitchen.” 

Any other answer is a FAIL.

When she asks where you would like to go to dinner, do not answer,

I don’t know where do you want to go? 

This is a FAIL. 

The correct answer is

How about something nice, you deserve fancy? 

If she wants casual dining she will tell you and still you have passed the test.


There is much more of course, and you all know the easy ones,

Does this dress make me look fat?

 You’re not going to wear that are you?

Was my dinner OK?Actually if she has to ask you failed…but some serious gushing could buy you a pass.


Anyway guys the point is, the reason it is hard to understand women is because everything is a test to see if you care!  If you are not sure of what she really wants when she asks a question, suggests something unusual, or reacts in an unusual way, ASSUME IT IS A TEST.  Try and act in a way that indicates you care.  Take your time, some questions have a trick answer, but take too long and you automatically fail.

And remember, if you do fail, there is always extra credit for flowers and candy. 

If you trip up on a final exam it may take jewelry.

Good luck, and be careful out there.

22 comments:

  1. ;-) I've forwarded this to my husband, he needs to know what you know! xo

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  2. My take from this is a man should wake up in the morning, immediately say, "I'm sorry", and present, on a rotating basis, flowers, candy, or jewelry. OK....got it. Thanks.

    S

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    Replies
    1. FAIL! Scott, you will be asked what you are sorry for and you better have a good answer. Also flowers, candy and jewelry all at once just screams affair! However you are on the right track, just tone it down a bit.

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  3. Had to share this on Facebook.

    Remember: You will never be tested if you stay pro-active. Cook breakfast, help with laundry, and watch the expenditures for things like "salon" "spa" and "nutrition" so you don't sound contrived when asking if she's done something different. You'll already know for sure!

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  4. i am just so not a typical woman.

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  5. I believe I've told this before. A colleague at work mentioned he was buying his wife a mixer for her birthday. I suggested he put pearls in the mixing bowl. He thanked me profusely. Pass.

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  6. Thanks for sharing your lifetime of wisdom. I've been married for forty years and I know less about women now than when I was a newlywed.

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  7. I'm with TexWisGirl, which means my husband's job is even harder.

    But speaking of garbage bags... WHY does my husband pull a HUGE green outdoor bag from the box to go around the house collecting trash?! Drives me crazy. WHY can't he get a tall kitchen bag that will more than adequately hold all the small bits of trash from the small bins?! What a waste of a good bag. ching ching ching I try to catch it (1/4 full) before it goes outside to the big 'ol nasty can, to empty its contents into the kitchen or garage trash bags in use that have space, then fold it and put it back. As long as there is nothing "wet" in it, it's good for an outdoors task later.

    Okay... I needed to get that off my chest. Thanks.

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  8. Sadly, you are mostly right. You would be bored however if we didn't keep you a bit unbalanced.

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  9. Lol JoeH I know what you mean....I hate taking tests!!!

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  10. For some reason, this reminds me of the Roseanne episode where Roseanne gave Dan glamour shots of herself for their 20th anniversary, and Dan gave Roseanne a bathrobe.

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  11. I'm with TexWisGirl - not a typical woman. I decided many years ago that "tests" and playing games just waste time.

    When I want a present, I email my husband the link to the item on Amazon. I've gotten beautiful camera equipment that way...and I always thank him profusely for being such a great gift giver. I also take out the trash myself and never ask him how any piece of clothing looks on me, because I'm handicapped myself that way. I'd wear dots and stripes in the same outfit...

    He thanks me by never complaining about anything I cook and acts enthusiastic even when I fix garden burgers for dinner three times in the same week.

    It used to be different with my first husband...I do think you get wiser as you get older. :-)

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    Replies
    1. That's great Pixel but it would not make a very funny post.

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  12. You needed to include something about we really don't want you guys to fix our problems when we come to you for advice about something. We just want you to listen and not try to solve it. Otherwise, I think you nailed it!

    betty

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  13. Sorry. I didn't tune out when I was told to. But when do women ever do what they're told? Besides I knew there was potential for a hilarious post. I was not disappointed. You passed the test with flying colors.

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  14. Being a woman, I did not read this post. But if I had, I would have agreed with everything you said!!

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  15. I had no idea we women were so difficult!
    Glad you are willing to study and pass, most of the time.

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  16. Well, after reading the opening sentences of this post, I was about to follow the directions and just leave without reading any further. You know, because I like following directions. But then...I thought...is this a test? Does he really, really want the women folk not to read this post? He's just testing us, right? It's a test, I bet. He says he wants us to leave, but he's just saying that so we WILL read it, simply out of curiously. Or defiance. I mean, tell US what to do? Please. So, I assumed it was a test. I didn't want to FAIL. So I read the post.

    Did I pass? Please tell me I passed. I hate to fail.

    ReplyDelete

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