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Friday, July 25, 2014

PROUD HETEROSEXUAL MEN...come on!


PROUD HETEROSEXUAL MEN...come on!
I am a proud heterosexual male and have been so for as long as I can remember.  I will occasionally high five or fist bump another PHM.  I will occasionally let out a loud grunt of approval.  I will unleash a neanderthalian “YEAH!!” when my team scores.  I have even nudged another PHM when an attractive female passes by and commented that “Yeah, I’d tap that” when in fact I know that “that” is untappable by the likes of me.  It is just what PHM do.  It is pretty much required.

Still.

I am embarrassed by the current crop of PHM, especially those as seen on Reality TV.

When I see a bald fat man win a cooking competition, punch the sky, whoop it up, toss in a few YEAH’s and grunts while fist bumping and high fiving everyone within range, I cringe. 

“DUDE!! You cooked the best risotto! You did not win the World Cage Fighting Championship.”

I watched a bowling match the other day.  I love to bowl, but it is just rolling a ball at big sticks.  Throwing a ball is manly, hitting a ball is macho, rolling a ball is fun, but it is ROLLING A BALL.  The winner of this match wrapped up his victory by converting a single pin spare.  He jumped up and down, punched the sky, bent over and made a double fist while screaming ferociously,

“Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about, YEAH!!”

“Dude, well done, but it is bowling, you rolled a ball really well, relax, you are embarrassing all PHM.”

Recently I saw a guy correctly answer a “Wheel of Fortune” “Before and After” puzzle.  You would have thought he just won the Super Bowl.

“Damn Dude, man up and relax.  You won $1800 dollars and you beat two women, a Yippee would do.”

Look, real men don’t eat quiche.  Real men don’t cry…often.  Real men ogle, but try and be respectful and hide it.  Real men know how to give another real man a proper man hug (chest in, butt out, three thumps to the back and release) but real men do not over-react to simple successes. 

Simple success can be followed by a swift hand clap and can even include a “YES” if it is not a rub-it-in “YES.”  A simple win should be followed by “Nice game” and a hand shake, high five or fist bump.

Real men control their emotions as if to show their winning or success is commonplace. 

Uncontrolled jumping, sky punching, screaming, chest bumping and Ultimate Warrior facial expressions should be reserved for winning the Super Bowl, World Series, World Cup or any such once in a life time achievements.

Unless, of course, you do tap the untappable.   

19 comments:

  1. I wish I'd been armed with this important PHM information before I made a fool of myself "whooping it up" after winning a high school chess tournament.

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  2. I have laughed at one of those bowling guy's before. Sadly, I think a Sponge Bob quote best describes what I want to say, "Dude, you're teaching art at the rec center. Calm down."

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  3. You nailed it Joe. Absolutely nailed it.

    (Especially that last sentence. THAT would deserve a celebration which would make Vikings blush.)

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  4. I pronounce PHM, FEM. Just saying'. ;-)

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  5. controlled testosterone - yeah, right... :)

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  6. Toning down victory celebrations make perfect sense
    Boisterous, all-out celebrations attract attention
    That same attention makes for a pretty darn good target
    There are a lot of wide-outs who want a shot an Richard Sherman this coming season

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  7. Uncontrolled jumping, sky punching, screaming, chest bumping and Ultimate Warrior facial expressions should be reserved for winning the Super Bowl, World Series, World Cup or any such once in a life time achievements.

    If then. When I was young PHM's walked off the field, heads held high in victory, and saved the shenanigans for the club house. Those were our heroes. Today's "PHM's" might as well wear clown make up to the event.

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  8. It's good to know that you still have your man card. Some lost it years ago and some never had one.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺

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  9. A real man might think, "I'd tap that."
    But he'd never, ever express it aloud.
    He might take a second look.

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  10. Oh, dear. You have been politically corrected. So much for respectfully hiding your ogling.

    If a man says "I'd tap that" in a forest, and the women are blathering too loudly to hear, is he still a respectful real man?

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  11. I am glad that not a whole lot of people voice their thoughts about manhood. LOL

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  12. How 'bout all them professional athletes who congratulate each other by patting them on the . . uh . . derriere.

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  13. When I first saw the "PMH" abbreviation, I thought you were going to tell us about the "Straight White Male Festival" in Ohio.

    (In case you are wondering, flyers for this "festival" have been popping up all over Clintonville, OH. However, nobody knows if it's real or if someone is just having fun with a prank)

    Hope I didn't give away one of your fake headlines now...

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  14. Fist bumping and high fiving isn't something we do in the UK - but I know what you mean. UK PHMs DO slap each others' backs with enough force to just about hurt them (I was here and YOU KNOW IT now you have a hand shaped mark on your back).

    But cooking? COOKING??? I'm 100% with you all the way - and such antics mean that you have the right to PUNCH THE TELLY to show that as a REAL MAN you are DISGUSTED with these pseudo-men!!!

    GRRR!!!

    I've just punched my computer.

    And I WILL write a similar post expressing my equal disgust.

    HIGH FIVES and FIST BUMPS across the Atlantic to you (whatever the hell they are!!).

    :0)

    Cheers

    PM

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  15. I started to read the "comments" and my eyes glazed over. I got nothin'.
    Keep on truckin'.

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  16. I enjoyed your humorous satire. And yes, I took it as just humorous satire. I like humorous satire. Those who have a sense of humor will like it too. those who don't, won't. Such is life.

    Funny stuff.

    S

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  17. Great post Joe!!! I've noticed the same....guys way too excited over way too little... I give it 2 high 5's and a fist bump!!! :-)

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